Jonesi’s Journey: The Wedding Blog

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by Lamar Tyler | on February 26th, 2009 | 14 comments

Whose wedding is it anyway?

Ok, I have to apologize for slacking on the post, but honestly, wedding planning has been pretty dead lately. Why? Well since I’ve decided to take on wedding planning myself, I find that I have to take breaks, long breaks, in between major decisions. Right now I am nearing the dead line to choose my bridesmaids dresses, so I spend my nights playing dress-up on www.AlfredAnglelo.com. (Dream in color separates – in black; it was the simplest thing to do!)

Anyway, what I wanted to share was my frustration with people who willingly share their [unwanted] opinions – especially those who I’m not even close with. While I [try to] value the opinions of all whom feel the need to share, I am becoming a bit aggravated with people who’ve never been married telling me what they “wouldn’t” do in regard to wedding planning. Yes people I KNOW this country isn’t in the best of times fiscally, but I’m still having a wedding. What I don’t need is someone, especially single, voicing how ridiculous weddings are. A few weeks ago I had a conversation somewhat like this:

Nuisance: How is wedding planning going?

Me: Good, a bit overwhelming, but I’m getting a lot done.

Nuisance: I don’t understand the point! IF it were me, I would just spend the money I’m wasting to help people with their flights to Jamaica or somewhere, so they could be with me at my destination wedding. After the ceremony they could be on one side of the island doing their thing, while I’m on the other side doing mine.

Me: *blank stare*

I guess the most annoying thing about this particular conversation was that A. She was SINGLE and B. She justified STILL spending money – only to her liking.

One thing I’ve noticed most about this wedding planning process is people feeling the need to be overly vocal when not called upon. I decided early on to limit myself to a few people who I felt comfortable sharing my thoughts, insights, and plans with concerning the planning of my special day. While I realize it very well may be more economical to waltz to the justice of the peace, I feel blessed that I am able to have a full ceremony and reception (paid for by me and my fiancé) that family and selected friends can enjoy. I just wish that people wouldn’t feel the need rain on my parade. I know there are some psychological undertones I should be assessing, but quite frankly, it’s getting to the point where I am becoming more reluctant about sharing with people I am even getting married.

BMWK Family can you think of a time, married or unmarried, where you’ve shared an opinion, unsolicited, where you wish you had been more supportive and less “superficially” judgmental? If not, what would you say to a couple in the process of planning to marry?

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

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Comments (14)

elle denise Thursday - 26 / 02 / 2009 Reply

Sharing opens the door for opinions, whether you asked for them or not... elle denises last blog post..Event: Muffins with Mommy
Jonesi Thursday - 26 / 02 / 2009 Reply

I totally agree with that philosophy! But I'm merely speaking of instances where I'm approached :-) And for some reason, the negativity is rampant....yet and still I smile and wait for the venting sessions to end most times. There have been a few I've had to cut short lol
My Virtual Voice Thursday - 26 / 02 / 2009 Reply

Wow, I'm going through the same exact thing! My fiance and I decided a wedding in Jamaica would be cheaper than it would be at home in Atlanta. Big mistake! We'll save money, but hardly any of our guests are able to afford the trip. Every day I'm getting phone calls and e-mails from people telling me what we should do. I swear, the courthouse sounds REALLY awesome right about now! My Virtual Voices last blog post..Ladies, get it together
Jonesi Thursday - 26 / 02 / 2009 Reply

To be honest, a wedding in Jamaica sounds beautiful...but for the exact issue you're having, I valued sharing my day with my family and friends too much to make the location too inconvenient to attend. I've stated before, I never felt this day was just about me. Though I did want a wedding, more than anything I wanted to make it special for all who've helped me get where I am. If it cost me extra bucks, it's nothing compared to the bucks and time people spent caring and preparing me for this moment in my life! M God-cousin was planning a destination wedding and hardly any of her family planned to attend, so I know how you feel...that's probably why ole' girl told me she would spend her money helping people pay for flights! No matter how you go about it...weddings are expensive :-(
Harriet Thursday - 26 / 02 / 2009 Reply

I'm good at unsolicited advice, but I only give it to people who have given me the right to speak into their lives, not total strangers or folks I'm not close with. But as far as your question is concerned, here's what I would say: know who your inner circle is. Those are the people who love you unconditionally and would never purposely say or do anything to hurt you or aggravate you. This doesn't necessarily mean they are "yes men" that will agree with everything you have to say, but that their love for you drives their interaction with you. Obviously at the top of the list for you (I think...based on your past comments) is Jesus. Then your fiance, and whoever else you want to add. Then purpose in your mind that what everyone else says is irrelevant. Thank them for their opinion, be polite, but keep it moving. If it don't apply, let it fly. LOL
Jonesi Thursday - 26 / 02 / 2009 Reply

@Harriet - why do you always know exactly what to say?! lol...thanks :-)
Harriet Thursday - 26 / 02 / 2009 Reply

@ Jonesi, It's the God in me...if it was just me, I'd be the subject of your aggravation, TRUST ME. LOL God bless!
Jonesi Thursday - 26 / 02 / 2009 Reply

I guess what I need to clarify is that I am not opposed to people sharing their viewpoints or opinions, even if it isn't what I want to hear. What amazes me is the convo aforementioned in my post. While she is a sweet person, her commentary about my wedding, that she initiated, blew me away....and the funny thing is she prefaced her comment with, "Not that I am anywhere close to being married", and I was thinking, so how the heck do you know what you would do then? But this wasn't an isolated incident, it happens more often than people sharing something positive. With all that said, I was hoping to get people to realize how their comments, solicited or not, especially pertaining to something as beautiful as a wedding ceremony, really do have an effect. In the beginning I really would take things to heart and start second guessing some of my decisions - but my mother helped me quickly realize this isn't about anyone else or what they think; And quite frankly this day really has no lasting merit over my future marriage - it's just a celebration! I have been very intentional about not getting caught up in the hype, while I am excited, because making sure I go into this knowing I am making a commitment to my God and fiancé is the real prize to me :-)
Harriet Thursday - 26 / 02 / 2009 Reply

I love how you described it as a CELEBRATION and not hype, pomp and circumstance. Ultimately, you and your fiance are bringing in the "end of the beginning" of your relationship with class and exuberance, yet you've balanced that with a realistic mindset that the wedding is the celebration of the life you all will have to work hard to create together. If you're willing to put in the work, then happily ever after is not just possible, but it's a REALITY.
E. Payne Thursday - 26 / 02 / 2009 Reply

It looks like I'm the only guy with an opinion on this...oh well. Jonesi - Ahh, I remember these days and I'm so glad they're gone. When my wife and I decided to get married in Barbados, the country of her side of the family's origin, everyone here threw a fit and shared with us how the money could be better spent and how it would prevent most of the folks (who weren't even in communication with my wife) from attending. Funny thing about it is that people felt they could talk to me to get to her, not knowing I was the driving force behind the destination wedding. We even received a letter from one of her cousins imploring us not to because then she wouldn't be able to bring all of her children (and she's got a lot). It was ridiculous. But we did what we wanted, apologized to those (her grandmothers) who couldn't fly and the whole thing turned out great. Basically, do what you want to do. It's all about you and your man anyway even though no one realizes this going in. E. Paynes last blog post..On the Couch
LaKeysha Thursday - 26 / 02 / 2009 Reply

Let me preface... 1. I am married 2. I planned my whole wedding myself What I experienced was that those fantastic once-in-a-lifetime moments (weddings, pregnancy, etc.) are almost invitations for opinions/comments. I can even say that whenever someone mentions planning a wedding I want to know all their details and offer things that I learned during my planning that I think will be helpful to them. And I do remember that the closer it got to the day the less patient I was with peoples opinions and advice, whereas at the beginging I was anxious to hear all options and ideas. Now because of that experience I try to wait until someone asks my opinion before I hit them with the tsunami of advice. Sift through all the advice because some of it will be good. Continue to be patient, blank stare and all or you can say something like "I'm sure that will be/was great for your wedding but thats not what I want for mine" because most of the time people are well-intentioned but clueless. P.s. I LOVED alfred angelo and ended up getting my bridesmaids gowns from there as well.
Anna Thursday - 26 / 02 / 2009 Reply

elle denise said: Sharing opens the door for opinions, whether you asked for them or not… ~~~~~~~~~ That is so true. @ Jonesi, I hope I did not say anything to make it more overwhelming than planning a wedding is already. I am only going to say, "Don't stop believing". I will give you an example. You love your fiance' and you want to marry him. You know that the two of you care for and are right for each other. You can't stop the birth of a child because you are too afraid to continue. LOL. Let it happen and let it be. It is what it is and some ppl get jealous that it is not happening for/to them. Keep up the Wedding Post because you know I do enjoy them. Nobody will ever be able to please all.
MissJay Saturday - 28 / 02 / 2009 Reply

Girl I feel your pain. I shared with a mutual friend (though him though) that my fiancé wanted to pay for my dress and she made a comment that I was supposed to do that. Now I had no problem with him helping me pay for it as long as he didn't see it and let her know that. She then said that was gay.....now WTF? I was pretty much done sharing with her for the time being. I felt like 'just because your husband didn't help pay for your dress my fiancé is wrong for wanting to pay for mine?' But anyway....I would just ignore it. I know it's hard to not share that you're getting married so I think the best bet is to ignore it or like you said you've done, put a stop to those who drone on and on about it. Good luck!!
Daisy Sunday - 01 / 03 / 2009 Reply

I have always wanted a small destination wedding. I know that means most of my friends and family cant attend and to be honest thats the point..lol I hate being the center of attn so I would rather have less than 50 guest and call it a day. Congrats and good luck Jonesi!