We’re Not Married Yet, We’re Still Happy

Relationships

by Lamar Tyler | on February 8th, 2009 | 24 comments

We’re not married yet, we’re still happy was a statement made during a recent couples’ outing that my husband organized for 12 of our friends. We all laughed when she said it, the rest of us were married (she and her guy were not), but I wondered what exactly, she meant.

I should have asked more questions, but I didn’t want to be a buzz kill since everyone was enjoying themselves. Was she insinuating that non-married couples have more fun than married couples? Or was she saying that after marriage it’s all down hill from there? That got me to thinking. Ladies and gentlemen, what are we saying about our marriages? What type of signals are we sending out to the single world about what they can expect from a marriage? Based on this comment it isn’t very good.

I’ve occassionally overheard guys jokingly tell newly engaged guys that they’re making a mistake. And I know it’s all in fun, don’t get me wrong, but I’m wondering where it all came from. Why is the perception of marriage that the fun ends, the sex ends, we stop taking care of ourselves, we gain weight etc.? Well, okay, I guess there is some truth to it. Many people do stop trying after marriage. Some of us feel like we don’t have to maintain what we had, because we now have what we’d worked so hard to get in the beginning. We don’t realize the significance in remembering what initially drew us in. It probably was the fun, or the appearance, it may have been the sex. Whatever it was, I want to challenge all of my married brothers and sisters to show these not-yet-married couples that we’re still happy too and that marriage is something to look forward to.

In order to do that, we have to start bringing back some of those little things we did in the beginning. We have to date again, call each other all the time and get back to that place where we just can’t stop thinking about one another (remember that?). We have to keep the love making hot and spicy and spur of the moment (I know this isn’t as easy when you have children, but the children do have bedtimes right, and nap times too and don’t they sometimes go outside to play?). The point is we make time for everything else that’s important to us, so we have to start making our marriages a priority too. It is the only way they can grow and get stronger. We want to be able to say, “We’re married and we’re still happy” years and years from now.

BMWK what do you think are the reasons singles view us this way? What can we do about it?

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

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Comments (24)

Anna Monday - 09 / 02 / 2009 Reply

We’re Not Married Yet, We’re Still Happy One puts up with more BS dating than being married! Hubby and I still date. I love being married. No games just love and appreciation for each other. We do have our "momets" but being married working it out is much different than "just dating".
King James Monday - 09 / 02 / 2009 Reply

<-- not married. Many ways to look at it. I know I'm the first to do the throw-up motion when married folks kiss. It's all in fun as I just like to enjoy where I am.. and for not, that includes being unmarried. There's BS in the unmarried dating scene if you entertain it. Just as there is in the married life, so we see. I'd point out though, that many things that are 'fun/cool/entertaining' to me as a single, won't be fun/cool to me as a married guy. I can already call it. So that would have a bunch to do with me feeling differently. Just as staying up late was cool in college, I'm 'cool' with going to bed at 10:30 today...which is UNCOOL to some others. Must also mention that goals are different depending on what place you're in. But realistically, you are on point @ the author. All of that 'put me last,' no alone time, only chill with other boring couples, no going out having fun perceptions that we have can make a single say... yall can have that.
King James Monday - 09 / 02 / 2009 Reply

Plus seriously, if I can... marriage is a bit scary. I chill with a bunch of men who step out on their wives ( I know women too, but that's another convo). It's as normal as your daily routine. But I'm wondering how much the weight gain and 'losing ur sexiness' has to do with it. Of course we say it's a personal decision and a choice and all that... but... how much does it have to do with me 'wanting' her? hm... That's something else that'll make a single say.. naw dude.. i'm happy this way.
rawdawgbuffalo Monday - 09 / 02 / 2009 Reply

marriage is the bomb only thing better is being a father - to me
D Michele Monday - 09 / 02 / 2009 Reply

Marriage is great! My husband is my absolute best friend and I couldn't imagine life without him. With that being said....getting married is a step that shouldn't be taken lightly. It takes time and maturity to get to that stage. Of course young singles don't see marriage as "cool" because there is alot more responsibility and lifetime comittment involved. It's okay to be single, date and have fun for as long as you want. There's no rush to get married....that's why alot of marriages fail. King James....I would suggest that when or if you do decide to get married, not to hang with those cheating men. That kind of company only influences the same behavior. **Hey, I loved the single life when I was younger. As I got older I needed more and my husband and I still goof balls that wrestle, chase each other and laugh at our stupid jokes all night long. I wouldn't have it any other way!
Attorneymom Monday - 09 / 02 / 2009 Reply

I will be the first to admit. I have let myself go in the weight department. I finally admitted that to myself that I had gained too much weight, especially when my jeans choked the hades out of me on last week. I applied to be a contestant on Atlanta's Biggest Loser: Mom's Edition last week. Of course, I was not chosen. Check out my audition tape: http://charactercorner.blogspot.com/2009/02/no-atlanta-biggest-loser-for-attorney.html I was really bummed out about it for three days. Then I decided to not allow the enthusiasm, which was created from me entering the contest, go to waste. Stay tuned. I am currently writing a new chapter in my book. It is a new season. It is a new day. My later will be greater than my past.
Anna Monday - 09 / 02 / 2009 Reply

@Attorneymom, nice audtion tape, don't let not getting picked discourage you. I have gained 15 lbs since marriage but hubby is not complaining and I am not too much either. I am tall so it's not so noticable. When ppl are short gaining 5 lbs can look like 20.
T. Rogers Monday - 09 / 02 / 2009 Reply

My advice to single people is not to base your conclusions of marriage on the people you see around you. If I did that I would have NEVER gotten married. I won't be a blind cheerleader for marriage. I think it works if the people involved work. I think it works if you are with the right kind of person. If you take away those two factors then it will be horrible. I thank God for my wife. I don't care how much "freedom" I am missing out on. You couldn't pay me to go out on the dating scene even if I wasn't married. Just know this much: Nirvana does not exist on either side. However, I am glad to be on the married side.
Attorneymom Monday - 09 / 02 / 2009 Reply

@Anna, thanks. As for my husband, I will invoke the spousal privilege and not put him on full blast at this present time. : -) Attorneymoms last blog post..GIFTED HANDS: THE BEN CARSON STORY
Daisy Monday - 09 / 02 / 2009 Reply

@Anna you aint ever lied if I gain 5-7lbs it looks like I am plus 20. I am 5'3 on a good day I like to say. I am a size 6/8 but can't get rid of my tummy (bad genes) I haven't had any babies yet! I think both single and married couples can and do have fun if that's what they strive towards.
c.n. edaw Monday - 09 / 02 / 2009 Reply

So glad someone wrote an article about this topic! I am in the age group of black women who are supposed to be wringing our hands and planning our suicides because we/I am not married and have no real prospects either. And I have to tell you I was more interested in being married until I started hanging out with married people. Obviously, as one gets older more people around you become married so you have more opportunities to socialize with married people as well as singles. I have perhaps three couples I like to hang with regularly and I will tell you it's because they are both STILL the INDIVIDUALS I liked as people, who just happen to be married now. They didn't merge into these unisiex superpersons who no longer seem to think for themselves or talk about anything other than furniture, drapes, and their next trip to Pier One or Home Depot, the grocery store and oh yeah that big TMI thing...getting pregnant. And its worse once the kiddies actually come. Who really wants to go over to someone's home and listen to hours of conversation about poop, vomit, daycare, and labor? This coincidentally is about the time I started to become more and more adverse to becoming a parent. Hey I don't mind seeing the kid's new nursery or latest pics-- but after an hour about what little Suzie or Johnny ate before wetting the bed last nite and how worried you are they haven't had a bowel movement in 24 hours I'm really done! I think back to my parents when their friends would come over to the house on Fridays for a "grown up" night and recall perhaps maybe 10 minutes of talk about us kids and then they all started talking about things like work, hobbies, pop culture, current events, back in the day, etc. Today's married folk just cannot seem to talk about anything unrelated to being married or "domestic". And I truly hate to say this, as the granddaughter of a Baptist minister and one who sprang from the loins of two college educated upper middle class black people....but it seems like educated religious black married people are the worst kill joys! Now, the unchurched will bitch about not having any freedom or time to themselves, and about the signifigant other's 10 to 20 lb weight gain and not getting as much sex as they used to in between all that conversation about furniture and drapes... BUT THE SAVED FOLKS...will drone on and on about how its their love for the Lord that makes all those furniture and drapes purchases possible and how its God's love and prayer that keeps them from noticing that 15- 20 lbs their signfigant other has gained since the wedding...after all they prayed for God to send them someone, so who are they to question why who God sent can't lay off the carbs ,right? Then of course, they must point out if you prayed more God would send you someone you could marry and pray about their weight gain too. Oh Joy! And even more strangely enough it is my married educated upper middle class church going black friends who seem to have more instances of infidelity, swinging experiences, drugs...just general wierdness going on in their relationships... that they all believe can be solved by prayer and telling the preacher all their business in a counseling session. Hey, I understand life changes when you get married or when you have kids. But, I often think about what my brother said to me one weekend when I visited him and his wife of now 3 years, shortly after the birth of my nephew. We all went out for dinner and drinks and talked for hours about anything and everything except the new baby and their marriage. When I pointed out how surprised I was by that-- considering how new both marriage and parenthood was to them and how most of my married/parental friends can't stop talking about domestic stuff even for an hour he replied, "Because we still have perspective." He went on to talk about how he and his wife love each other and their child but they think it's healthier that they still cultivate the areas of their lives that made them attracted to each other in the first place and that they believe will make them good parents. They go to church and sit up at night with the baby and even stop by Home Depot but I guess the best way to describe it is they don't let married and parent define who they are..it's just one of their components. From the outside looking in I think that's why so many marriages grow stale or partners become bored or disinterested in each other or their lives. Marriage itself (and what we believe marriage just has to encompass) becomes the defining factor. I've told several people if getting married means I must all of a sudden wake up and like discussing furniture and drapes then I will NEVER get married.
Attorneymom Monday - 09 / 02 / 2009 Reply

This video is dedicated to all the married couples in the house. http://www.dailymotion.com/video/k5CT8WiYb9Co3sbVa3 Sidebar: Does anyone know whatever happened to Karen White? Attorneymoms last blog post..JENNIFER HUDSON: THE ONLY REASON I WATCHED THE GRAMMYS
Attorneymom Monday - 09 / 02 / 2009 Reply

c.n. edaw writes, "Today’s married folk just cannot seem to talk about anything unrelated to being married or 'domestic'. " What married couples are you hanging around??? You need to hang out with me and my friends. Attorneymoms last blog post..JENNIFER HUDSON: THE ONLY REASON I WATCHED THE GRAMMYS
D Michele Thursday - 12 / 02 / 2009 Reply

My husband and I don't talk about furniture or drapes....lol! Yes married people change but everybody changes as they get older and get involved in different things. Some people seem to really have a complex about getting married. It's kinda funny, but whatever!
T. Rogers Thursday - 12 / 02 / 2009 Reply

I'll say this much. I have two children under the age of two. They are a huge part of my life, thoughts, and daily activities. If a person does not want to hear me talk about them and all that comes with being a father, then they don't need to be around me. When I got married making an impression upon single people was NOT part of the vows. The purpose of my marriage is to edify my wife and my children (as well as myself). If a single person is motivated by what they see in us, then all the better. If they are completely repulsed that's ok, too. It's not about them.
c.n .edaw Thursday - 12 / 02 / 2009 Reply

@ T. Rogers Fine, but please consider that just because you want to tell me "all that comes with being a father" you'd probably would not want me to tell you "all that comes with being a single woman" or ALL that comes with just about anything --especially in the presence of your kids. Do you really want to know about last night's hook up--not that I really do that, but for argument's sake-- what my boyfriend says that drives me wild in bed or his annoying bathroom habits that made me think twice about moving in? Or what about my girlfriends latest reviews of vibrators or that bachelorette party we went to last weekend. I'm sure the answer is a resounding NO!!! I'm not talking about "I'm so proud of Little Johnny for doing so well in school'--I'm talking about the details that I really should not be privy to about your kids personal habits (toilet training, food allergies, bowel movements, when your wife dilated-- yes all these things have at time dominated conversations I've had with married couples, etc) UNLESS I ask., which I wouldn't because unless we are related or really close friends or I am your physician--It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS!! Otherwise you are being a bit arrogant IMHO in your assumption that someone CAN or WANTS to learn about childrearing from you (maybe I think you are a horrible parent and I get this impression from ALL THE UNSOLICITED INFORMATION YOU GIVE ME ABOUT WHAT YOU DO) --suppose I or anyone else you think should hear all about it-- doesn't even want kids? Where's your theory go then? I am exagerrating to make a point, of course. I don't have a problem with married people or their issues just married people who can't seem to realize that everyone does not want to CONSTANTLY hear about them. When you cannot entertain the idea that a world exists outside your kids and marriage you are probably not setting the example to us poor single people that you think you are. Any person with any social skils knows its not polite to dominate conversation with topics only relevant to oneself OR to share graphic and personal details (kids bowel habits, etc). That's all Im saying. Yesterday afternoon at work, a married co-worker with kids was talking about how much productivity is lost in our office from people talking about their kids. That morning a staff meeting droned on an extra 35 minutes with "baby talk" that only three people in a room of 10 were interested hearing about. Eyes rolled, feet tapped but no one said a word because if you complain about people talking about their kids you are "mean and not family friendly" It's honestly one of the last forms of sanctioned work place discrimination. Phones are ringing, the fax machine is going crazy but these three individuals were still engrossed in a conversation on potty training that should be taking place on their own time. If I were on the phone with my boyfriend that long, you bet someone would tell me to clam up and get to work. @Attorney mom, thank god for the few people (and I do know some, sadly they don't appear to be the majority) who are married that I do know that sound like you and your hubby. It restores my faith in the whole concept that is froth with many leaps of faith.
King James Thursday - 12 / 02 / 2009 Reply

:-)
T. Rogers Thursday - 12 / 02 / 2009 Reply

@CN You completely missed it. Once again, my children are a large part of my life. If anyone speaks with me long enough they will come up. I know plenty of people with children and I cannot think of the last time anyone of them mentioned anything about bowl movements or anything of that nature. Either you are exaggerating just to draw attention to yourself, or only the people YOU hang around talk about those things. Also, I hear many conversations at my job from both single and married people alike about their sexual escapades, religious/ political views, etc. I don't want to hear it, but it comes with working around other people. Married people are not the only ones who drag on a business meeting. How much time is wasted in meetings by egotistical bosses who just love the sound of their own voices? You seem to be looking to married people to give you a reason (or not) for marriage. Part of maturing and knowing you are ready for marriage is understanding it has nothing to do with "everyone else" and everything to do with you and your spouse. If other people are put off, then so be it.
Harriet Thursday - 12 / 02 / 2009 Reply

Wow...I see excellent points in what both T. Rogers and CNEDAW had to say. As far as what CNEDAW had to say, I think your points are valuable to this forum. It's good to get perspective from a single person's standpoint. I'm glad you're not "wringing your hands" and "planning your suicide" as a single person, no matter what your age. Although I disagree with what you said regarding educated saved black folks, my experience is the only proof I have. Where you are, and your own experiences may have jaded you, but I'm with AttorneyMom...come hang out with me and my married friends for a while. More than anything else, it's important for someone single to be complete and totally satisfied in their single state. I know I was in mine! I had a life then, and I have a life now. Yet what T. Rogers said bears a lot of credence. I DID change when I got married. I changed even more after I had children. I not only adjusted to my new status, but thrived in it. I could care less about furniture and drapes, to be honest with you. I definitely could care less about vomit, poop and diapers. But my conversation will be spiced with the last thing my son did that made me fall out laughing, and the gesture my husband made that brought tears of joy to my eyes. Faith, Bible study, sports, current events, community service, research, writing and exercise were all part of my life prior to getting married and having children. However, shifting my demographic broadened my horizons in ways I never thought possible. I'm a more well-versed and well-rounded person because of getting married and having children. When all is said and done, I'm with T. Rogers: "When I got married making an impression upon single people was NOT part of the vows." However, if making that impression is a residual effect of who I have become as a result, then I'm all for it.
King James Thursday - 12 / 02 / 2009 Reply

Good stuff folks... I'm thinking though... many of the single folks I know aren't even happy. For some reason... WE/society/the church/married folks/singles.... think that being 'unmarried' is some waiting place until you GET married. We feel that it is associated with incompleteness and unhappiness. Sadly, during this week of February, it's very visible... It is what it is though. I doubt that it will change anytime soon eh?
c.n .edaw Friday - 13 / 02 / 2009 Reply

@ T Rogers But that's not what you said ...you said ALL that comes with being a father, which sounded at bit like saying you are entitled to discuss anything about being a father (a pretty broad topic, by the way) whenever you want to. And you made it a point to say that you are not concerned with what other people, specifically single people think, which in theory is fine-- however, let's just be real. I am sure that if people were to say they are not concerned about impression they leave with/or on you or your children when they interact with you---I think you would be equally offended, which is why I pointed out some topics single people are known to discuss among themselves, but would clearly be inappropriate to discuss with you and your wife and kids. And I'm sure if you are the family person you are giving the impression you are, you would feel comfortable and right in saying that topic of conversation is unacceptable in their presence. Or just choose not to associate with those people and feel completely justified. Yet, if I say to my married friends, "Gee I don't really care about how long it took you to potty train little Joe Joe and the wonderful book you guys read that finally helped you figure out that doing X works better than Y..etc" OR " Frankly, I don't really want to know how many different shows on the Style network you watched before you decided to switch out the drapes in the bedroom with the ones in the living room etc" THEN I am the rude, bitter, single person who is lonely, miserable and doesn't understand how your life changes once you are married. Yeah I know your life changes when you get married and have kids, since the majority of people are married, we ALL know this. Life can change for a variety of far more traumatic and frankly less positive reasons, but we don't expect those circumstances to dominate one's every interaction. There's a cottage industry industry and sentiment based on the idea of how life altering marriage is, but that's not what this is about. When in your company; I'd just rather talk about politics, movies, what I read on the Root, last week's sermon, music, or even God forbid, the weather. In addition, it was implied that you somehow are imparting knowledge to single people by your behavior. Which again, fill in the blank with some other lifestyle choice, would be considered somewhat arrogant at the least, and downright rude and offensive at the other end of the spectrum. I think I was pretty clear sharing pictures or little anecdotes is not what I was talking about. As I sit at my desk for a lunch break at work typing this I am listening to two married women talking about when they should have their next child. Standing right next to my computer with cups of coffee in their hands. AT WORK! This is a really personal conversation to be having in the workplace especially since they are delving into their issues of fertility and their spouse's personal feelings on the topic. Do they think their husbands really want me and the other three co-workers in the vicinity to know they are already concerned about the quality of their sex lives and their wive's appearance after one child? Or that he may have a low sperm count? Come on? And you are absolutely right there are single people who talk about the things you mentioned and I mentioned as well, BUT as I pointed out to you in my last post THOSE people would be wrong to share those particular topics ad nauseum with you or anyone but their closest friends and certainly not in the work place. And I guarantee you when it happens we are complained about. OR shut down by our married friends who don't think those topics are appropriate or are above/ past that time in their lives. The difference is that people readily see the error in THOSE ways of single people, but give a pass to people when it involves marriage and children. It's only NOT rude to do those things when you are talking about kids and your husband/ wife. What? I say that's not only discriminatory, but it also furthers the stereotype that marriage is not fun or worthwhile over time and that people--- women especially, must COMPLETELY give up their individual personality and outside interests to function in a marriage relationship or as a parent. I think men have long felt that way (that marriage is totally giving up the good life of freedom and independent thinking) but, I think in recent years more women see what some married women morph into and that doesn't seem like an attractive option, especially considering the balancing act women must perform if they also work. The last time I went to a cocktail party I was the only single woman there. I was excited as I don't often see these women since they had kids, but and this time I AM NOT EXAGERRATING, they spent an hour and half discussing epidurals and episiotomies. That's not my idea of cocktail hour on a Friday night chat...yet 5 minutes later it's the "Oh I never get a chance to do anything that doesn't have to do with my kids or husband," refrain. Come again? I am sure most of you on here are being honest that you don't do those things. However, I'm sure if you asked those women do they spend too much time talking about marriage and child rearing when they are supposed to be getting away from it all OR told them that they spent that much time talking about episiometies they'd deny it though my "rescue me" text records of that night would indicate otherwise! I am not anti-marriage or married people by any stretch of the imagination. There are few divorces in my family and my own parents were married 30 years before my dad died. I've turned down two marriage proposals, so I am not in the can't get a man to commit to me category either. I think I have a wide cross section of friends and have lived in several states. Black, white, other. Religious and non-believers. Profression and not-so profressional, yet this particular habit seems to be pervasive no matter the background. I'm just being honest, believe me in my line of work I get plenty of attention. More than the idea of committment, responsibility,fidelity nothing scares me more about marriage than turning into a person who can no longer relate to anything or anyone other than other married people with kids. Hey, I'm sure if you posted a topic about the annoying things single people do that make married people glad they got out of that existence, there'd be postings galore probably highlighting some things I've done myself. And Lord knows we've heard how miserable all single black women supposedly are and how that topic dominates so much time and space in their lives. But that's a different subject. Bottom line, while this deviates perhaps a bit from the original idea in the posted article-- I often hear my married friends lament about why none of their single friends hang out with them anymore (and sometimes vice versa ,of course) and I will tell you amongst my single friends-- and there's a lot of us of the female African American persuasion-- is not so much that our married friends are boring people they seem to BECOME boring because so many of them 1)equate being married with the idea that married men/ women only do and talk about certain things i.e. children and homemaking, which is really hard to believe in the year 2009, but still appears to be true 2) often only discuss marital dischord 3) despite expressing the need to have "me time" away from marriage /family cannot seem to distance themselves from it even on a conversational level for even short periods of time. This is probably worse among women than men.
T. Rogers Friday - 13 / 02 / 2009 Reply

@EN Honestly, I read about 20% of what you just posted. I really don't see the need to read through your entire rant. I am sure you can condense it to bullet points if you have that much information to cover. I'll say this and be done with it. It is what it is. You seem to have a serious problem with married people and their children. The sheer length of your posts if proof of that. That's fine. The main point I have been making is people do not have to conform their lives to your liking (or mine). They do not have to live in a way the makes sense to you or me. That is just life. I have made my point. I won't argue. At the end of the day I am content with myself and my lot in life. I wish you the same.
c.n .edaw Friday - 13 / 02 / 2009 Reply

You don't like what I said, the length of time in which it took me to say it, so therefore I have a "serious problem with married people and their children ". I also have a lot to say about the way I style my hair: but I don't have a problem with hairsylists, but I digress. I enjoy spirited debate. I felt you misintepreted some things I said so I merely pointed out why and gave examples. I had time on my hands and you said a lot I disagree with. To me that's how one has a civilized conversation. Not just stating mere opinion. We all know how valuable those are intelligent discourse. Like a certain part of the anatomy, everyone has one. Your intial tone and current response already indicated we don't agree and never will ---yet I would never assume that you are not happy, content, or have a serious problem with anything simply because I don't agree with you or anyone else. I get your point, but you don't get mine or choose not to and your response is indicative of why and also your prerogative.
Jai Sunday - 01 / 01 / 2012 Reply

I'm not sure that the comment made was meant to be taken in that text. Maybe, maybe not. The way I see it is couples who have been together for a bit of time catch hell a lot for not being married. For some, you are not taken seriously unless you are married. That is really not necessary. You can be happy, with your significant other, without a ring. I think the comment was just coming from the angle of "Without a ring, we still have a healthy, happy relationship..." I'm a married woman going through a divorce. When you've been married, it changes the way you look at things. I'm not saying that I won't ever get married ever again, but I have a new respect for those who choose not to. At the end of the day, if both parties agree on what the future should be on their relationship, more power to them. Whether it be marriage or not. Happiness should be the goal...not titles. Titles won't bring immediate happiness. Healthy communication does. : )