by Eric Payne
Swagger is a word that’s been around for a long time but has been on the “come-up” as of late thanks to Jay-Z, Kanye, T.I., Lil’ Wayne and M.I.A.’s “Swagger Like Us.” I believe swagger begins internally as a state of mind. It has to otherwise it is nothing more than an act that fades over time. And real swagger is not an act. When someone really has swagger you can feel it radiating off of them no different than the way heat does when the oven is set to 400 degrees.
A few years ago when I accepted I was going to be a biological father I was quite panicked about the whole thing. Around this time, I happened to read an article in GQ magazine that put fathers into about 6 categories. The one that resonated with me the most was Prada Dad, the father everyone wants to know and be. In fact the Prada Dad is so cool, he makes childless men want to be fathers, and women…well I don’t need to go into that here. I pledged to be a Prada Dad even though I don’t own anything Prada.
President Obama (currently the king of swagger) has swagger for days and talks about his kids. Brad Pitt can’t seem to have kids fast enough and he’s got swagger, shouting out being a father. Will Smith has swagger and he is an outspoken family man. And the modern day father of swagger, Denzel — do I need to say more? The man doesn’t even need his last name to be identified by the masses. Now all of these men are celebrities and they have plenty of money and childcare assistance, but they do stand out. There are plenty of other men who are celebrities and choose to act a fool while keeping their kids a secret. The men I just listed proclaim fatherhood. It truly adds to their cool.
Before family life, I believed I was cool. And now that I’m a family man with wife and kids in tow I still am. But it’s a different kind of cool. I’m not stupid cool anymore. I’m really cool — that grown man cool that will last over the years, like a classic muscle car or a suit that won’t quit. And why do I maintain my cool? For my kids. I want my kids to know I’m cool so they know they can always come to me for anything. I want to be their superhero, their supercool dad that they’re not horrified to see when I come around the corner to pick them up from school. And I don’t intend for that to change as they grow older and wiser.
In my travels and at work when it comes out that I’m a father or that I’m the age that I am, people look at me almost bewildered. They stumble and stutter asking the following:
“But how…?”
“You don’t look like a…?”
“You’re…?”
As the father of a very confident, outspoken-toddler princess, many days I go to bed beat up and exhausted. At three years old she is just as much of a handful (sometimes more) as my thirteen year old boy. But I don’t have to wear this for the world to see. This is my badge of courage and I choose to wear it proudly and as stylishly as possible. The problem is that over time being a parent or married person has come to be associated with looking like who-did-it-and-ran. And that’s the real problem.
Swagger is a state of mind. It begins with you and it is determined by you. Parenthood can’t mess with that. In fact it should enhance it. It’s all about what you allow.
Does being a father/parent mean you’re not supposed to have swagger?
Does being a father/parent prevent you from having swagger?
If you’ve got swagger, how do you maintain it?
Originally from Chicago, Illinois, Eric Payne lives with his wife and kids just outside of New York City, where he works in the non-profit sector. He writes about married life and fatherhood at MakesMeWannaHoller.com and is the author of I See Through Eyes, a book of poetry and short stories.
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Swagger is what it is. I can swag if I want to but I find it more fun to be me and embarrass my kids in public. On the weekends I wear my hair wild and my kids hate that I wear jogging pants and a sweat shirt.
Obama has a swagger along with the mentioned above. Why is it that a man can have “swagger” because he takes care of his kids? Is a mother only a mother? I don’t want to be a “Diva drama queen”.
I’ll be honest – I don’t know the first thing about swagger. But I think any father who loves to support and spend time with his kids is pretty damn cool.
@Anna
I think parenting is biologically built-in to women (mothers), whereas in men it’s something we mostly have to develop a value for. It’s easy (especially for male celebrities to be irresponsible). But when they choose to do the right thing and they enjoy it – well, that’s pretty cool.
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@Anna, here’s the thing: this particular piece isn’t about mom and what she does. There are hundreds of mommy blogs, countless books and magazines about being a stylish mom and how to manage. I can’t count on one hand what’s out there for men/fathers. When it comes to parenting, men/dads/black fathers in particular are the thankless ones. When we go to the park with our kids, moms/nannies/grandmothers look at us like we have three heads. I only named the celebrities in this piece because they are immediately recognizable. There is a man on my block who carries his baby girl to his car every morning — I think he’s cool and I don’t know anything about him. My motivation behind this piece is to address the belief among those who aren’t parents or who are biologically responsible for a child’s existence but irresponsible for their upbringing, that being a parent, particularly a father is not the end of a man’s life. It’s not. In fact you can be very fly doing it. If you so choose.
But just to let you know – I believe my wife is incredibly sexy when she’s doing nothing more than nurturing our kids, whether that’s reading to my daughter or drawing with her or giving my son the business because he’s out of line. There’s no denying the power of mom.
@Michael, I don’t think swagger is something you aspire to — maybe initially when you don’t know any better (like myself) to combat the stereotypes or your own fears — but once you’re into it as you fall into it, to your point, nothing is cooler.
@E. Payne – You hit it on the head. I feel exactly the same way and get the same comments when people find out I have children. I guess I don’t fit whatever the mold is supposed to be but that’s cool because we’re making a new one!
@ Lamar & E.Payne
That’s the key, the mold that is out there currently doesn’t fit brothers like you two – that’s why you gotta create your own mold, blaze your own trail, & be positive examples for other young brothers who need someone to look up-to…
@Lamar & DJ Ed Nice – agreed.
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Another point I want to add based on a very valid point raised in the first comment: I have no problem embarrassing my son. I actually strive to. But I think embarrassing your children is different from being an embarrassment to them. In today’s day and age where there are so many distractions and kids are being marketed to at the expense of their own families I think having a point of commonality or being in a place of awe (along with being everything that Dad means) is key — for me. What each of us chooses to do is our own individual choice and nothing is wrong with any “style” at the end of the day as long as the kids are loved and taken care of. I don’t believe Daddy Swagger is something you should “aspire” to have, but if you’ve got it, move in that direction, or fall into it, why not? My mother’s father was the epitome of cool, without thinking about it or even trying, God rest his soul. Just sitting with the man in silence was enough to never make you want to leave his side. To this day my mother (who’s 70) along with her siblings, still swoon over the man (faults and all). I think that’s great.
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Great article and great comments. I would also define “daddy swagger” with having ultimate confidence in realizing that you can control and protect your family with whatever curveball life throws at you. When I read this article what came to mind was all those fathers who are taking care of disabled children whether physical or mental. These men are keeping it real and when these kids come for their physician appts. you can sense the importance of what that strong father brings to the table.
Great post, Eric.
Prior to having my kids I am not sure if I was ever “cool”. However, now that I have my son and daughter I know that I am. It is not because of any particular way I dress or speak. In fact, having two small kids has forced me to scale down my attire. No sense in getting chocolate pudding all over those nice slacks. So, that’s not it. It is because I have finally found true comfort with myself. I am not sure if it was fatherhood that did it. I think it was just maturity and growing up.
I just know when I am out pushing them in the double stroller (with the missus trying to keep up) I feel completely in my element. I know who I am. I am daddy. And that is what swagger is, knowing who you are and being comfortable with it.
I personnaly think that any man that chooses to be a part of their children’s life has swagger. I am more happy and excited to see my husband play, communicate and educate our son, it really attracts me more to him. I know society in general don’t give men (the good one’s) enough credit where they are concerned because there are so many fathers or I should say sperm donors that don’t give a flying crap about their children. I for one love my husbands swag, he is doing an excellent job, providing, teaching, disciplining and maintaining a positive attitude towards our son. This is a moment that mothers should all, give our husbands the credit they deserve and if they want to show off their swag, let them. We always get credit for being a good mother but, men are expected to just be the providers.
I love the comments. To swag is like “I am not trying, this is me”. The word is used so often that I thought to swagger was to wear expensive clothes and drive expensive cars and I don’t fall for that. I have always thought that a man who does not wear a suit to work can be just as immpressive as a man who does. It’s not what you wear because if you have the swagger it will always wear you. Swagger is a new word and I just always considered it being confident and doing what you do to take care of your job, home and in general “your business”.
Lamar has the ultimate Daddy Swagger. He loves his kids to death and he is such a confident and loving father.
I love this post!
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I’ve gotta admit…there are many sites and articles about the mothers that raise their kids. They are great. But there a very few that talk about what the dad does.
“Swagger”…Do I have swagger?? If swagger means I spend time with my daughters, teach them the way a man is suppose to actually treat a woman, show them that they are precious and to let any man mistreat them, teach them that can be strong as women and do for themselves… just to name a few… then yes, I have swagger. So for all of the dad out there that are real dad and put in the time and effort… I salute you! “Nobody has Swagger like us!”
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