In Response To: Dear BMWK, Is It Time To Move On?

Awww. A brother that’s tryin’ to make it work. Well, I read that some people shouldn’t try to give advice if they haven’t been in the situation, but if they can see for looking, I say go for it. Could you agree? If so, I’d like to offer some words of encouragement, if that’s okay with you. Think about how much harder it would be on everyone if you gave the relationship up. What would they think, of you? Of themselves? Does it actually seem to you that things would be better if you weren’t your soon-to-be wife’s husband anymore? I don’t have not one child, but I used to be one without my parents, and raised under someone else’ mother. So, if you could understand, your continuing in putting forth the effort, makes a world of difference to your children and your woman. I’m not always good at it, but I try- Stop thinking as if you or her need to live under condemnation for each other’s mistakes. Change that tape! I’m a little ol’school- The seriously hurtful feelings do take a few years to wear off, but it makes it easier to bear your lives as individuals and the time you spend together. If you guys could just stop bringing up old stuff. And honey, Why not pay attention so she doesn’t feel as if she has to yell? She could be spending that energy making love to you or having some peace in her life. Don’t you want her to be peaceful? Ask her like a gentleman if she could please be a lady and tell you calmly how she feels- let her know you are listening. If you’re not in the mood to listen, could you do her a favor and tell her so, as respectful as you can? This way, she doesn’t have to waste her time, energy and breath – All precious commodities to the living. Otherwise, it’s going to kill her sooner. She could be using that breath to tell you how much she loves you, praising the Lord, or spending that time telling the kids jokes, or doing something you didn’t even know that was very beautiful and fun.

Hey, who is that at the bottom of my sister-to-brother letter?

Dear Tryin’ Brother-
I was thinking of all the other men who are going through the same exact things you are. Yes, there are millions. I was just thinking of how many women would just love to show him how to manage. Why don’t you ask your woman? I bet she knows, and would be glad to show you with love if you asked her. you’d probably blow her mind if you asked her how to clean the shower stall properly. She knows the little tricks around the house to keep it cleaner more often, where everything goes – when little Timmy has his dr’s appts. and so on. You seem to be struggling through the day-to-day stuff. Is it outside of your paradigm to get a housekeeper? Start off with a few hours or a few days. Then go to every other week, then try the whole month… A lack of clutter and organized spaces can contribute to more productive thinking and lends to more productivity. Listen. I was bed sick for about 4-5 months. A car accident followed by a serious operation had me on a cane and walking slow for about 8 mos. When I finally came back to life and started moving around faster, of course I was more productive, but my mate had let so much dust and work pile up that it was more than I could handle on my own. I had to hire a professional organizer to come into my house, something I never thought I would have to do. She suggested better furniture, home office equipment, and more organized ways to keep track of my paper. I never thought I would need the help, but after looking in my corners -geeze-o-pizza! I also hired the young lady a few places over to help me deep clean. There was no way I could keep track of everything, and I couldn’t FIND anything! After I realized I couldn’t do it alone, and came to terms with my man not ever getting around to it on his own volition, the burden of daily tasks no longer belonged to one person, and I gave in to outside help to help us determine our shared responsibilities. It lasted all of a few months until he got sick and had to go to an outside care facility for other health reasons, but in the meantime, my house was organized and it had a system to help it stay manageable. You might fall out of perfection with your schedule, but at least you have guidelines to go by. We didn’t like how much it cost us to get our act together, but in the end, I learned what ‘Cleanliness is next to Godliness’ really meant. It’s not all about dirt, but keeping your life organized as well. You probably could use it, considering the two kids and your very busy job schedules. I’m sure it could relieve a lot of the anxiety, if it’s a source of it in your home. Can’t afford it? Do The List together. Snuggle up on the couch and do it together. Don’t have time? Do it on your computer during breaks and bring home the print-out of what you’ve got so far. Compare lists and put the main one together on a wall in your hallway. Put a big ole’ calendar on your hallway wall with everyone’s responsibilities. Do a big project a little bit at a time. Don’t have a conniption if something gets over-looked – it’s a guideline to your family’s needs, and it should feel rewarding, not like another job. If it’s that important, you’ll get around to it. Reward each other, if you can. Make taking care of the house and each other fun as often as you can. Go to the movies once a month, or every other month. Have movie night at home with popcorn, sodas, hot dogs and wings. You and Mommie can put a little rum in that coke, and tell the kids, so they don’t think you’re hiding anything, but let them know you and Mommie want to relax a little bit adult style safe at home with them. Have Comedy Night! Fancy Dinner Night! Slumber Party!!!!! Get yo’ party on with your family, Bruh! It’s the only one you’ve got, sounds like, and I just can’t see you letting all those good times just roll by you because of the DISHES, who forgot to empty the trash?, and I thought YOU paid the light bill this month…nah, not you guys. You work too hard! Peace, Love, and Happiness. Hairgrease is out of style, but some of us still have to use it. Mowah to your baby momma!

Kudos to you for even posing the question and taking responsibility for where you were at fault, not everyone can own up to their mistakes. I think that’s where you begin, if you want it to work. Do you want to make it work or have you given up on it? And although you have admitted your mistakes to us here, have you admitted them to your woman? It may help her to own up to her share of the mistakes too. Something that I am also learning along the way is that we choose to love and also choose when we fall out of love. So if you want to make it work there are actions you can take, one being what I mentioned above letting her know that you apologize for contributing to some of the mistakes and the other requesting or almost demanding what you need out of the relationship and the one main one I’m hearing you say is that you want to be respected and talked to like you’re the man of the house, as you should be. You both are making choices that are contributing to the downfall of this relationship so to turn it around you have to start making different choices, both of you. And keep in mind and remind your fiance that your precious little one is watching everything you do.

Hey, Bro-in-Love~
When was the last time you serenaded your Lady?

Some nights are just made for pool. Gives her a license to get sexy and make all kind of inferences about sticks, balls and pockets whilst giving you The EYE.

Goooo toooo the faaaaaair. Gooooo tooooo the fair!
Gives the teens a chance to chase each other around, the baby can get as sticky with cotton candy as their little heart desires, the Lady of the house gets her new Teddy Bear, and you make out being the coolest Dad. Don’t forget to ride the Astro-Spinner where the floor drops and you’re stuck to the wall? Coolness.

Well said Tiya and LaKeysha….I think you could make this relationship work…but it is going to take the both of you actively working on it and choosing to make it work. Couples counseling and family counseling (because of the kids) would be great for your situation.

I don’t know why she is yelling so much..but it sounds like some built up resentment and frustration….counseling will help you all get to the bottom of that. Maybe she is not able to communicate to you what the problem is..or maybe you are not listening..but either way I think counseling will help.

Don’t know your religious affiliation…but a little pray never hurt anyone…you don’t have to work on this on your own…God will see you through. And a good church home makes a world of difference!!

Ronnies last blog post..Do You Sleep Beside Your Baby? Is It Safe?

I haven’t had a chance to read the comments, so I hope I am not being redundant. Your situation is a prime example of where couples counseling can do wonders for your relationship. As a professional therapist, I am sometimes troubled by individuals waiting until two feet are already out the door before seeking some level of treatment. You did a good thing by soliciting unbiased feedback (there is a reason why family/friends are ethically NOT allowed to see their family and friends However, I think you would be most benefited by seeking professional help while there is still a “try” in you.

Lastly, my mother yelled all the time growing up. As a Black child, I couldn’t very well ask her – “Hey mom, why do you yell so much?” As an adult, I have playfully broached the issue, and her response was, “after getting tired of speaking the same message over, and over, you start to yell because you have this silly idea that if you say it louder someone will listen.”

I know you hear the yelling, but are you listening?

Stay Encouraged!