Dear BMWK, My Husband Has a Friend

Dear BMWK

by Lamar Tyler | on March 13th, 2009 | 45 comments

Dear BMWK,

I once saw a message on my husband s phone but there was no name and i remembered seeing the phone number before. I asked my husband who it was and he refused to say , so out of curiosity i phoned the number and the woman started insulting me so when my husband knew what had happened he then told me that they were friends since college and that she is married so nothing was going on between them. i have never met the woman and we had problems before because of her only i was told a different name then. Now the same problem again and the same woman. She phoned asking him why he wasn’t phoning her and if I was home and why he did not answer his phone. Two days later my husband calls her and sent messages on the phone. He spends more time talking with her than he spends with me. ADVICE PLEASE

Family we’ll let you take a crack at it then we’ll weigh in later

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

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http://www.andyclydes.net AndyClyde

I feel that a person male or female that checks behind their spouse needs help.
Also, if you are a person that finds you have to hide your
friends from your spouse then you have trust issues that need work.
Anonymous

Girl..

In case you didn’t get it, Here’s the memo:

Your husband doesn’t have a “friend”, he has a Mistress!
(and, YOU KNOW this!!)

Sista Friend–The moment that your mind decided that you needed to SNOOP through his stuff, you knew the answer!

Because, at that moment, you are silently acknowledging that you DON’T trust him!!

And..

The moment that you followed through with your thought, that was your public declaration that you don’t trust him!

Follow your intuition…It aint lyin’ to ya!
Teanna

I can’t be as blunt as the other person to just call her husband a cheater. What I can do is tell you what I think and I’m speaking from experience. In the case where my husband did the same exact thing, he was in fact “being shady”. The truth that was spoken in the earlier comment is that you don’t trust your husband. Once again from experience, I learned that once it’s gone it may not come back all the way and it is the hardest thing to “earn” back. What you do and how you handle this is entirely up to you. I do disagree that you have a problem because you “check behind your spouse” as stated earlier. In my opinion, you have every right. Your marriage may be in jeopardy unfortunately because you have been made to feel that your husband is not being honest with you. I realized thru all of my marital turmoil that I absolutely can not stand being lied to. As much as it may hurt to hear the truth, I can take that better than a lie. My advice, go to God and pray for your husband, your marriage and that woman. Yes the woman too, it will help you not to harbor ill feelings towards her. Decide what you want to do and ask God for guidance.
Take care and God Bless!!
LaKeysha

You and your husband need to establish some rules.

1. Is it ok for us to have Friends of the opposite sex?

2. If so, what are the boundaries of that relationship (i.e. is it ok to go to lunch together…dinner?…talk on the phone…text?…visit each others jobs or houses?)

3. Even if you agree to have friends there must be respect so that if that friend disrespects your spouse then they are cut off completely. Because your spouse is more important than any other person on earth.

4. MUST meet all friends and their significant others.

5. Most importantly, I don’t know if you are a Christian or not, but one thing my husband and I HAVE to acknowledge is that there is NO GOOD in the flesh. That means that in certain circumstances we are liable to do anything. (I think most people can admit to having done somehting they NEVER would have thought they would do). So acknowledge that what you believe/intend to be innocent CAN turn into something different. Dont fall into the “S/He’s married so they would Never…or We’ve been friends for so long its impossible that they would feel…They know I’m married so they would never…

We have to accept that we dont know whats in other peoples hearts but we must be aware of warning signs.

Secret friends are secret for a reason
Your being home should not be a deterrant for him to call her

Sit down and have a serious conversation with your husband (and it always helps to put the shoe on the other foot. HOw would he feel if you did what he is doing?)
doris

So sad the games adults play in relationships. I think the lady needs to ask herself what made her checkup on the man.(Here’s where cell phones can be the devils advocate). The issue she has is with the man and she should not have called the other woman. The pervious issues appear to be a big factor and I don’t want to assume their was physical or emotional cheating involved.I think if this is such an issue there are many options that they husband and wife might persue.First thay need to figure out how important the marriage is to one another and if this is what they really want, marriage is some of the hardest work to do. If the other woman is such a threat, wife might need to express openly why there is a problem with the friend.Husband might need to shutdown the communication. The wife is supposed to be for life. Friends come and friends go!Husband may need to change phone numbers and not answer e-mails.

After all that choices should be made as to what can be tolerated by both parties. Honest talk. And wife if a husbands cheats you can’t stop him or change him, but you do have control if you accept it nor not. Stay in prayer and let God lead and stop strssing over that relationship you need to move forward in life stree free.
http://politicalmusic.wordpress.com Political Pete

I will go ahead and apologize for the rather “brash” comments above from AndyClyde. It seems like the statement that you are “crazy” for doing so is devoid of any practical difficulties concerning the institution of marriage. I mean it’s not like this is your boyfriend that you just met a month ago.

I certainly can empathize with you in this situation.

In my humble opinion, it could be one of three things, (but it sounds like a mix of all three) which are all damaging. Of course, we are only hearing your side of the story so I’m going to assume that no critical details are omitted.

1) (Best Case Scenario) Pure Machismo. It sounds like your husband could be insecure about something and feels the need to assert his masculity through power. Power in this instance seems to be his refusal to answer a simple question or the desire to see his wife paranoid. If you make more money than him, or he is jealous of some sort of mobility that is happening in your life while his career isn’t jumping off . . . this is common. (Although, it is odd to know that someone spoke to your wife in such a tone and he was not objectionable about it). On the other end of the spectrum, if you are hopelessly dependent, sometimes people can take advantage of you and underappreciate you. (e.g., she should be happy she is with me type of attitude).

2) (Worse Case Scenario) He is physically cheating.

3) (Worst Case Scenario) He is emotionally cheating. It’s important to note that emotional cheating does not usually involve physical intimacy, but inappropriate emotional sharing. The unfaithful party may spend an excessive amount of time with someone, share secrets, emotional feelings, and become deceptive and secretive about the nature of their relationship.

In conclusion. The hiding and deceit implies that “something” is wrong and warrants their secrecy in the first place.

Political Petes last blog post..Naturally 7: One of the Most Talented Groups Ever
Staycee2

WOW!!! I thought about adding my two cents but enough “GREAT” advice has been given. Just remember you are the “PRIZE” and “DO YOU”!!!
http://www.andyclydes.net AndyClyde

I would like to check you Political Pete. I have my own back and I meant what I said.
I think the other post followed in line.

1. If you are a person that feels you have to check behind your spouse by searching through their cell phone then you proably want to open their mail also. This is a person that is do insecure they need professional help. Do you feel this is normal behavior?

2. I never said anyone is crazy or intended that it be taken that way.
I am a 56 year old divorcee. I have had a lot of time to rehash my relationship and the relationships of my peers. I don’t judge a person by the way they handle their personal relations. I know enough to realize that strong emotions with take you out of character everytime.

3. Finally Mr Political Pete, far as long as you are Black don’t you ever try to speak for me.

Actually, I feel as the person that posted after me. I tried to minimize that memo cause I saw it coming.

Here is the skinny. Just because I don’t agree with you doesn’t mean I don’t love you. We just need to get it right, up front, a man doesn’t speak for another man like that.

AndyClyde
http://blackandmarriedwithkids.com Ronnie

You have received very good input so far. I agree with Political Pete…emotional cheating is just as devastating (if not more) than physical cheating. However, a lot of people don’t recognize emotional cheating as cheating.

I don’t know if your husband is physically cheating…but there seems to be something wrong here because he has to hide his relationship with this woman. He is definitely destroying the trust in your relationship and from your comments he has done it before.

We have had this topic on the site before and I think most of the BMWK family agrees that friends of the opposite sex MUST be friends with your spouse. (period)

I suggest counseling also. And after that, if he continues this disrespectful behavior, then as Doris states it is going to be your choice to accept this or not.

Ronnies last blog post..Do You Sleep Beside Your Baby? Is It Safe?
http://politicalmusic.wordpress.com Political Pete

Are you e-checking me? No e-thugging allowed on BMWK. lol. Please. It seems that you are viewing her action through a privacy lens or avoidance mechanism without knowing any facts that warranted her calling back the number.

Surely there could have been alternatives to calling the number. I’m actually glad she did in the end because at least she knows the truth. (I’m not asserting that violating someone’s alleged marital privacy (whatever that is) is a perfect solution). Bottom line is that we are not in the situation to have our spouse receiving strange phone calls and refusing to tell us who they are talking to . . .

As a divorcee, as your proudly stated, you should know that marital problems are hard. So … yes. I thought your comments were rather harsh. I should have said.

@ AndyClyde – Your comments were brash.

Real Talk. It’s obvious the situation is pretty dire. You don’t have to be a divorcee to determine that. And “professional help” is certainly a last resort . . . sometimes it only facilitates the avoidance instead of the necessary confrontation.

Your advice to someone wanting some clarity was, “You need help, and he needs help.” I think that is implicit with the actual post homie.

Have a good day.

P.S. Nice Website.

Political Petes last blog post..Naturally 7: One of the Most Talented Groups Ever
Smart Woman Foolish Choices

In reading some of the comments, I am a bit disappointed. I do however, appreciate Political Pete’s comments. Thank you brother, you are a true indication that not all hope is lost in the men/women relationship arena. You are right, the need to HIDE anything? I mean ANYTHING…implies deceit and the situation needs to be addressed. However, always be the lady in this situation. Keep your self respect in check and if needed, go have that little cry when you need to. Do not allow this woman to know you are bothered because at the end of the day, its hubby’s responsibility and HE chose to allow this woman into the circle. We so often as woman want to blame the other woman because its easier…we don’t love HER…we don’t have a connection to HER and in some cases, where you KNOW the other woman, addressing her is needed as well. HOWEVER… be a LADY about all aspects of this situation. It’s SO much easier said than done but in the end, you don’t want anyone to say you didnt conduct yourself correctly. Now, for whatever reason, your hubby has felt the need to seek attention from this woman and it cld be physical or emotional but lets face it, its SOMETHING. Sit back, take a LONG look at your marriage…only YOU and your hubby truly know what’s been going on and what may have led to this NEED for an ego boost or “grass is greener on the other side” feeling. I am disappointed with the other woman for addressing you in a negative manner because if she was a TRUE friend to him only…she would first and foremost, RESPECT HIS MARRIAGE! I hope this gets better for you and I pray that we as woman will learn that if we don’t want it happening to US? Why would be play a role and doing these awful things to another woman? Keep you head up, pray, and when you need to duck away and gather yourself so that you can communicate effectively with your hubby and anyone else that may have become involved. Much luck sistah…
Ms Miko

The only thing I have to say is, if she was really a “Friend” whether you met her on not, when you called her she wouldn’t insulted you.

My husband has a friend from back home (Mich) I think I met her once, but she calls, and she always ask how is the family, he sits right by me when they talk, so no secrets, (and she’s only dating not married) and one time when I did answer his phone when she called, she was so polite.

Friends don’t get upset with spouses.
Smart Woman Foolish Choices

None of us in this worled are perfect and at times we slip & fall. Adam and Eve weren’t perfect and to expect that in this day and age? Unrealistic. To check or to rightfully expect a certain level of openess from your partner is not wrong. If you get offended by this or are unable to tolerate this? Maybe there is a need that you have personally that needs to be addressed. We all have to have a certian level of privacy but if the feeling arises that makes you want to go behind your mate? There is most likely an obvious reason that BOTH parties involved are aware of that has lead to this trust issue… Havign trust issues? Normal…how you work through them? Challenging…who is anyone to judge?

Again..Pete? I admire you brother for not allowing comments to take you to a level of ignorance but to a further level of clarification and communication. I have recently discovered this site and I have to say, I love it. We are all in this boat everyone…let’s be supportive. It’s hard enough to post about your problem or concern, let alone defend your decisions. Good day!
Smart Woman Foolish Choices

Ms Miko? Well said.
Harriet

i have to co-sign with pete, lakeysha and ronnie. there’s not much i can add except you need to know and love yourself and God, and get some clarity in your emotions before making a decision.

my mom told me to NEVER, EVER make a major decision if i’m HALT:

Hungry
Angry
Lonely or
Tired

God bless, sis.
http://silkcafe.blogspot.com Rachel

I co-sign with Political Pete, and would like to add that once the husband began lying about the relationship it also became obvious that there is cheating going on whether physically, emotionally or both. If there is nothing to hide about the relationship, then no need for the lies and secrecy. She probably checked his phone to confirm what she already knew and possibly because she did not want to falsely accuse him. No healthy relationship involves snooping through phones/mail etc. The moment someone feels the need to do that something was already wrong far before that even happened. Since the wife said that there were problems caused in the marriage before over this woman it makes sense that she has trust issues. These two need to have an honest conversation and figure out if they are going to fix this, and if so, seek marital counseling!

Peace and God Bless,
Rachel

Rachels last blog post..How’s Your Posture?
http://www.andyclydes.net AndyClyde

No not thugging I want you to grow up and be a man. Everything else you said made sense. But you still can’t put words in my mouth. If you can’t understand that you violated me then you have deep seated problems. Even a messenger is responsible for the words that come from his mouth
Do you really think that you can just do this and not get checked?

“I will go ahead and apologize for the rather “brash” comments above from AndyClyde ”

without first talking to me. You effectively took me out of the conversation.

Then
“It seems that you are viewing her action through a privacy lens or avoidance mechanism without knowing any facts that warranted her calling back the number.”

Why don’t you ask me if that is what I am doing? What facts do you have I don’t have.
People feel warranted for any action they take when emotions are involved.

Then for a lady to imply that I am ignorant makes me wonder what type of site did my friend refer me to.

To get back to my opinion (and that’s all we have). Now I feel the brother was wrong. Cheating in any form is not allowable If he was going to keep a friend like that, why did he get married? If she had trust issues, before becoming an invader why didn’t she just confront him. Now if that is to brash then I’m sorry.
If I did something that slimey my lady would have come str8 to me. We are friends like that. She would have never lower herself to searching my cell phone. That is something kids do, not people that have kids.
Once again I feel they both need help. He is misguided and she allowed him to take her out of character. A friend of mine has written a book on relationships “Getting Along With You Know Who” we talk all the time. Just because you say a person needs help doesn’t mean you are calling them crazy. Professional help is certainly not the last step. The first time he did it should have been and indicator. Smack a woman once, and you can bet he will smack her again. It takes going through a divorce sometimes or seeing your peers crash and burn to see through the fog. You ever heard the saying that adversity brings wisdom.
Please Political Pete what ever office you are running for don’t try to step on me to get there.
Kerlley

Hello All,

1st time posting, I felt compelled being I went through a similar situation with my hubby of 12 yrs.

He had a friend, whom he dated at one point in high school before our relationship and nothing became of it. When my husband and I began dating I met this friend but something was not right. She sent cards, called constantly, paged and it was always I love you.

I brought it to my hubby’s attention and explained to him her actions are way more then just a friend she must be feeling you much more then that. He said I was over reacting and it was nothing. Although I asked him to stop the relationship, he continued which in turn caused a lot of trauma in our relationship. To make a long story short in the end he realized what I was saying about her action and eventually terminated the relationship. But our relationship suffered to the point where he is trying to re-build the trust. Trust is given easily but when it’s lost its so much harder to gain back. We did seek martial counseling and by the blessings of God we have made some great strides. But you have to confront your spouse with your concerns and do not forget to take care of you through this all. Do not loose yourself in this.

God Bless!
http://politicalmusic.wordpress.com Political Pete

@Andy Clyde

Nice website.

Political Petes last blog post..Naturally 7: One of the Most Talented Groups Ever
http://politicalmusic.wordpress.com Political Pete

Seriously man.

No hard feelings bro. I apologized if I offended. That’s the culture of the website to bounce back in forward from folks comments. No disrespect bro. It’s all love here man.

Political Petes last blog post..Naturally 7: One of the Most Talented Groups Ever
http://www.cocoamoms.com Cocoa M.

Well, there’s nothing that hasn’t already been said but I do want to add that people need to have these discussions before they get married.

Ladies, if something isn’t right, don’t be afraid to address it. Ignore those nay-sayers who will call you insecure and other things. This is your marriage, you have a right to guard and protect it!

Cocoa M.s last blog post..Re: Mom Returns To Active Duty- Opinions?
http://singlikesassy.blogspot.com SingLikeSassy

Hm. First, you knew before you called the number there was something wrong. Be honest with yourself and think about your relationship and whether it’s as strong as it could and should be.

Second, your husband says “she’s married” and the conversation ended? You didn’t say how it made you uncomfortable for him to be talking to someone he had apparently lied to you about in a previous drama?

Third, I’m puzzled that your husband didn’t check this “friend” for talking ugly to you.

I guess, what I’m saying is, you need to step back and assess what is really going on in your marriage, cause a whole lot sounds out of order.

Good luck.
Rock City Roots

Please read my entire post before you judge me.

I do not condone what the husband is doing. Political Pete you made some good comments. However, I could see where Andy Clyde is coming from. I would say there are issues within their relation because she went behind his back to his phone. Yes, the husband is guilthy of trying to hide something, but he may have tried to hide it because the wife is jealous. If she suspected something is wrong why sneak behind his back. Do it to his face. Make the call in front of him. Confront them about their relationship. Two wrongs don’t make a right, but it makes it even, but still wrong.
BELLA B-GIRL

Two wrongs don’t make a right, but it makes it even, but still wrong.

LOL!
Lomax Barnes

I feel your pain but from a mans perspective. I am completely against those types of distractions in a relationship. The conversations between the two are undoubtedly different between them than they would be if either of their spouses were there. I feel there should be no secrets between spouses.
youalreadyknow

You have gotten some great advice here. I tend to lean toward the blunt response from Anonymous up top. All of this asking and wondering is denial. Whether there is sex or not, you have been cheated on. You, as the wife should know every friend you husband has. If you don’t he shouldn’t have a problem openly sharing a past or present friend. If you feel uncomfortable or have been insulted by this woman, your husband has the obligation to make you feel safe. If he doesn’t make strides that direction, he is cheating you.

You aren’t crazy for looking through his messages if you feel unsafe. You, as the wife have put yourself, your finances, your body, your emotions, your heart, your work, possibly children all on the line to be in this relationship. If you feel like it’s being threatened you have the right to investigate. You have the right to defend it, leave it, mourn it, nurture it, accept it, or whatever else because this relationship is a part of you.

God will lead you, just stay close to him.
http://www.andyclydes.net andyclyde

No problem Political Pete, I think you are str8 people. Can’t deal with people that don’t speak their mind. Now we know where we stand and it’s all good to me.
Thank you a whole grip for visiting my site. I have been building it for a couple years I would like to get your take on it sometime.
I’m new to this site and I like it. I am a shameless advertiser everyplace I go I leave a brand. Here I am just going to say that I own AndyClyde’s Inc (you can google me) and a part of our services is retreats. You know like couples retreats. So that puts me on contact
with people that council people with problems/issues.
It is my opinion that once you are married no one else matters. There can be no friend better than your spouse. If your friend continue to hang on they should have stepped up to you first.
My question is where and what is the other woman’s husband doing while all this is going on? This woman is fighting hard to keep a friend when she has a hubby. Tell me ladies what is on the mind of the other lady?
http://www.jubileemag.com Kim

Well said Political Pete! I can tell you have strong character.

A harsh approach to someone with this type of issue is NOT the way to go. Cheating (physical or emotional) in a marriage is like a death. Therefore if someone dear to you died (like your mother) you wouldn’t tell them, “You’re mom is dead, so get over it! You need help.” Of course not.

I’ve been in her shoes, very recently. It immediately floods in emotions of abandonment, hurt, shame, dis-trust and soo much more. I appreciate the soft, loving approach to helping her work this out.

Surround yourself with ppl who LOVE you. Speak to God and ask him for guidance on what your next step should be. Glad I found this site.
zephyrgirl

Been there, done that.

Rreading this brought back my own experience, some 20 years ago, with a spouse who claimed he was “just good friends” with another woman. She knew more about his life, his business, his everything than I did. And it wasn’t because I wasn’t asking.

Of course it’s fine for people of the opposite sex to be friends–I would never expect my husband to give up friends he knew before our marriage just because they happened to be women.

But when he spends a lot of time in a room with a closed door on the phone with her, when they “happen” to run into you coming back from one of their frequent lunches, when he refuses to talk about her to you or acknowledge the legitimacy of your feelings when you tell him his actions are making you uncomfortable, it’s time to get help.

If he won’t go to counseling, that pretty much tells you what you need to know.

And I can tell you that as painful as breaking up is, it is infinitely less painful than to assume you’re the crazy one because your unfaithful spouse keeps telling you “nothing’s going on” when all evidence points to the contrary.

I hope you won’t need to, but it wouldn’t hurt to start a separate checking account and make sure you have at least one credit card in your name, just in case.

Wishing you the best.
http://www.jubileemag.com Kim

Just when u think you’re all alone, ppl out there will show you the love you need as you heal. Thanks for your input Zephygirl.
http:.//blackandmarriedwithkids.com Lamar w/ blackandmarriedwthkids.com

To all of our new folks. Thanks for adding your input and this is a great example of what we’re all about. Lending our collective voices through all of our experiences to grow our relationships. You all are appreciated.
http://www.andyclydes.net andyclyde

Hello Kim,
I still don’t see the harshness of telling someone that they need to seek help. As a man I see the husband as just not being ready. He should have never gotten married in the first place.
The lady is being abused and it has brought trust issues into play. She is the victim in all of this. A family member or a good friend needs to tell her she doesn’t have to take abuse from anyone.

AndyClyde
Jonesi

I guess I’m not sure what type of advice she is honestly looking for. Most of what has been said is great advice, but really at this stage in the relationship, the man knows he is completely out of line and either he is willing to correct the behavior or not. I think we women intentionally ignore what our instincts tell us to do. I’ve been on the wrong side of this fence before and you have to nip this in the bud asap before it truly does get out of hand. No one is perfect or beyond redemption, but someone unwilling to admit their wrongs and the desire to change isn’t worth the effort it will take to delusionally reconcile.
Renee’

To LaKeysha (who posted earlier)

YOU ARE 100% WRONG TO ADVISE THIS GIRL TO SIT WITH HER HUSBAND AND DECIDE IF THEY ARE GOING TO HAVE FRIENDS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX OUTSIDE THEIR MARRIAGE!! THIS ONLY LEADS TO EXTERNAL MARITAL AFFAIRS. I AM NOT SPEAKING ABOUT LONG TERM FRIENDS YOU’VE KNOWN SINCE HIGH SCHOOL AND COLLEGE (AND EVEN THIS HAS TO BE MONITORED CLOSELY AND THOSE FRIENDS HAVE TO KNOW HOW TO STAY BACK) BUT NEW FRIENDS ARE A NO NO NO NO NO!!! PLEASE STOP GIVING BAD ADVICE IN SUCH A DELICATE SITUATION. THIS COUPLE NEEDS THE LORD, THEIR PASTOR OR A COUNSELOR, THEIR TRUSTED FAMILY (OR CHURCH FAMILY MEMBERS AND JUST ONE OR TWO AT THAT) AND GOD SOME MORE! THEY DON’T NEED OUTSIDE FRIENDS WHO THEY WILL ULTIMATELY TURN TO WHEN THEY HAVE ISSUES AND YOU KNOW THOSE FRIENDS WILL GIVE BAD ADVICE. IN MOST MALE FEMALE RELATIONSHIP SOMEBODY LIKES SOMEBODY. THEY JUST MIGHT NOT BE ACTING ON IT!! BEST THING TO DO – STAY IN YOUR OWN RELATIONSHIP AND FIND OTHER MARRIED COUPLES WHO KNOW HOW TO RESPECT YOUR SITUATION AND DON’T CROSS BOUNDARIES (IE TRYING TO BE FRIENDS, FOR EXAMPLE, IF YOU’RE A MARRIED MAN WITH ANOTHER GUY IN YOUR CIRCLE’S WIFE).
LaKeysha

@ Renee

Honey Sista Child…I agree with you 99%. My husband and I do not agreee with the concept of having friends of the opposite sex…including those you’ve known for a long time. (For old friends there must be a new perspective and boundaries because what you said about new friends is just as likely to happen with old friends).

The 1% I disagree with…each couple has a choice.

My suggestion for them to sit down and talk was because they are obviously NOT on the same page about friendship. And while I don’t think its a WISE choice to decide to have friends of the opposite sex, I also don’t think its a SIN..hence the reason I have presented it as an option with guidelines within my advice.

Also you must realize that just because SHE may not agree with having friends doesnt mean that her Husband will agree with her. They are married and so if her husband has decided that it is ok for them to have friends (then she must submit to that according to the word of God, and hopefully he will submit to her requests about the guidelines I suggested).
MissJay

Wow…..

A lot of good advice I think. I’ve never been in this situation before…..as I typed that last part of this sentence it came to me that I have. Not from a marriage standpoint, it was bf/gf, so I know it’s extra hard and heartbreaking when you’re married. Hang in there and I think you should trust your gut that there’s something going on and move toward taking care of yourself. I expecially like the advice to start arranging things so that you will be financially sound if/when the relationship can not be saved and needs to end. Good luck and stay in prayer.
http://thirstyliving.blogspot.com CeCeWilson

Whew! This is a lot of information to process but I agree for the most part that it is sound and right. God Bless you in your journey and I pray that things really work out for you and your spouse.
ewok

I agree with mostly everyone here and you make great points.

BUT! In this situation, it is time out for being nice. I have been through this before and I am blessed to be alive and disease free.

The minute this woman disrespected her on on the phone, it would have been a prime opportunity for him to DEFEND HIS WIFE and lose this woman’s number. He should have checked the skainch (sorry…lol) right then and there in front of his wife AT LEAST. If she was a real woman and a real friend to this guy like they claim, then she would have explained herself with no problems. But nooooo she wants to talk smack because old buddy’s sweet nothings have given her fuel and she may be fed up herself or simply does not care he is married at all.
Why no programmed name? She was a friend since college…..was she “the one that got away?”

This slick so ‘n so is not programming her name in his phone, not defending his wife, and giving weak excuses. She deserves more than than that as his life partner. I know she loves him and hopes for the best but she must stop fooling herself. She does not need to be coddled, she needs tough love and someone to lay out the real risks here. While she is being the ‘good wife’, he could be out having unprotected sex with the one that got away.

This is 2009 and with AIDS and the rate of black people catching it….FROM THEIR SPOUSES…..she has no time to waste. She needs to take her head out of the clouds and make some decisions. Her life is at stake and all women who are cheated on need to treat it that way as well.
Anna

This is total disrespect at its finest. As the old saying goes “if he hits you once he will hit you again”. If he does not stand up as you being his wife and as one person commented “lose her number” he is not that into you. I have been in this situation. It does not change. Unfortunatley the way the cards lie, you can’t take everyone with you when you get married. You do have to let go of ppl you thought were your “girls, bff if you want your marriage to grow. This of course goes for men also. My hubby has friends that he has had pre me and he has never introduced them to me. I am ok with that. He knows me and my personality and I don’t like “dead beat dad”s or men who marry women with kids but have a kid with the wife and neglect or don’t take the time to get to know the kid(s) she already had. My daddy did not raise a fool. Once again in a past post I mentioned that My Dad always said if you want to get the girl you have to be nice and interact with the kids. My first date with my now husband included my kids, my sister, her kids, the girl I worked with and her kids. LOL. (For the new ppl on this site), hubby was a blind date and I wanted witnesses. LOL.
http://www.andyclydes.net andyclyde

To everyone that has been following this post via email, I would like to say this.
“I am a human, I am not a monster” I mean the elephant man could not have said it plainer.

I have questions to ask those ladies that have been in simuliar relationships.

1. Now that you look back at this, do you remember anything that should have warned you? (meaning before you got married)

2. Are you still with that man? How did you work it out? Or…What broke that last straw?

3. What signs should women watch for?

AndyClyde
http://nipslipnation.com jsterlo

Hi,

Found a great social community you all might like for best celebrity nipslip

Enjoy:)
Colette

That’s a form of cheating. It’s emotional cheating and very typical. People do it because it’s not actually physical but the feelings, the emotions are there. Those emotions are for you as his wife. And he lied about her name before. That is dishonest. Just because she’s married doesn’t mean she’s safe to allow to be friends with your husband. Married people cheat.

In my marriage we have a ‘no friends’ rule. No friends of the opposite sex. Its not possible, not in this day and age. Guys seem to be able to do it better but women have a hard time being ‘just friends’; as you can see by the fact that she is asking him why he’s not calling her. She misses him. If she’s having marital problems, she’s pouring her heart out to your husband..all emotional. Since he refused to tell you about her he’s wrapped up in it as well.

I’d tell him it’s you or her…and talk to him about how important it is to be honest with each other. Ask him how he’d feel if it were you and a college friend.
Colette

@Political Pete, Thanks ( :

@andyclyde, my son has been having problems with a bully at school. His Dad told him to defend himself but not to fight. It stopped for a while and today started again, the boy followed him around and hit him…after my son told me the story he ended by saying – ‘mom and he’s my skin color, why would he wanna fight me?’

Respectfully….what you said was brash.
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=662642988 Cindy- Doll Carpenter

I have a new friend that just came into my circle–she was having problems after whileshe told me with her husband-well Iwasn’t about to get involved in that–but my advise was always positive-she would call in the morning or evening no problem- sometmes in her husbands name–sometimes on her mobile–but my husband told me one day when I came that she or he had called –I said she or he –had to be she why would he call me–so Icalled her back and she said she was returning my call –what time was that I said –no i was at work come to find out my husband said he made a mistake–yeah right I said -lets not get twisted. we all are so insecure–.

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