30-Day Challenge Update – Last Week

Relationships

by Lamar Tyler | on March 23rd, 2009 | 13 comments

This 30-Day Challenge is really getting the best of me. I honestly thought I was a better wife than this and that being nice to my husband (doing one nice thing for him each day) would be a piece of cake. “I do so many things for him without even knowing it,” I thought to myself.

But this is HARD. I know my marriage will benefit from making a conscious effort to keep the fires strong. I know things can only get better from here, as I thought we were doing alright prior to the challenge.

Would it be easier if my hubby were doing the challenge as well? I don’t know. Perhaps if I knew every day he would do something special for me, it wouldn’t be so hard for me to come up with my part. But I don’t want to be that wife that can only do something nice for her husband when expecting something in return. That’s not what I want my marriage to be about.

So this last week I’m recharging my batteries, and making an honest effort to do something to make him smile. If you’ve met my hubby, you’ll know that this is next to impossible. The man is just…cooler than cool. Never shows emotion. So if I can make him smile (at least once this week), I will have done my job!

What about you, BMWK readers? How is your personal 30-day challenge going?

Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer from Ohio, where she lives with her husband and two kids. Visit her blog, TheYoungMommyLife.com, for daily musings about the issues young moms face.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

Harriet

there’s just something about going the extra mile in marriage that is sooooooo….i can’t find a word for it.

but when you live to bring another person joy, it always helps.

yesterday was a key point for that. i know we’re not supposed to count cooking or sex, but this comment outlines both.

normally, if i’m too tired, don’t touch me. i need my rest. for some reason, though, my husband got home from work at 2 am sunday morning, and although i knew he was tired, and i was exhausted from working throughout the day, i knew he would want it. so i gave it to him just the way he liked it, and he went off into dreamland totally spent, and totally focused on the family as opposed to the bull he had to endure at work.

then, yesterday, after church, i went to a ladies’ discussion for a couple of hours. when i got back, he asked for it, and i gave it to him, then he went to work out. i knew he would be hungry after his work out, but normally, i throw something together (it all tastes good, but some things are more low maintenance than others).

he called 10 minutes before he got home and asked for quesadillas. delicious, nutritious and QUICK…but while he was gone, i spent an hour and a half preparing his FAVORITE…LASAGNA from scratch.

he was so pleased! he asked for something along the lines of a burger, and i gave him filet mignon in response. THAT felt like a million bucks!
http://theyoungmommylife.com Tara Pringle Jefferson

@Harriet – You just gave me an idea for the rest of this week. Thank you!

Tara Pringle Jeffersons last blog post..Plus Two
Mom of 3

@Harriet–you are so right, when you live to bring another person joy, it makes life a lot better. This challenge and marriage in general are making me realize that it is sooo easy to get caught up on the things a person doesn’t do or what you don’t like about them. It is harder to focus on their good attributes and affirm them for that. Through marriage and prayer, things are being revealed to me about myself that I need to work on. I can make changes to my attitude and thinking that will be positive for my husband as well.
Harriet

You know what, Mom of 3? That’s something that’s much easier said than done. What I appreciate about you is the fact that your marriage is on the rocks, but yet even in the drama your husband is putting you through, you’re putting your best foot forward, without a guarantee for success.

I really respect that. I’m praying that everything work out with the two of you. I admire the fact that you’re doing and being everything you need to make it work.
Mom of 3

@ Harriett–thanks, I needed the encouragement.
LaNeitria

@ Harriet,

I cannot express how much your responses bless me. I am a single woman, but I can see some of myself in you. Your remark about living to bring others joy hit home for me. This is what I am trying to get right with all of my relationships.
http://blackandmarriedwithkids.com TheDad

@Mom of 3- We’re all rooting for you and your marriage

TheDads last blog post..Fireproof: He Said/She Said
Harriet

@ Mom of 3…like Lamar said, we’re in your corner rooting for you. Sometimes it’s hard to encourage yourself, especially if your circumstances and surroundings are full of negativity. I know this place is a little unorthodox, but I really believe Lamar and Ronnie have created a website that assists you in finding the keys to the prayers you have prayed.

I just love the fact that God, in all His sovereignty, knew exactly when you needed encouragement, and used this forum to get it to you. You’re not an afterthought to Him, even though it seems like you are to your husband. Encourage yourself in the Lord…in the meantime, there are those here who have never laid eyes on you, yet they are committed to praying with and for you. Keep pressing though this. It’s going to break.

@ LaNeitria,

Girl, you’re so sweet! Thanks for letting me know that in all my words, some fell on fertile ground. LOL
LaNeitria

@ Harriet,

You are so crazy! As someone who desires marriage, you along with Tara and the creators of this site (Lamar and Ronnie)give me a real picture of what marriage looks like (the highs and lows) and I can’t thank you all enough for it.

@Mom of 3,

While I have not been in the position that you are in, I do know that God is a healer and a restorer. I have learned, in my short period of time on earth that when you are open and allow God to transform you,it will affect others for the good. Please be encouraged. I am praying for you that your marriage be restored. Be blessed.
Mom of 3

awww… I am wiping tears from my face. I love you guys and I am listening. Thanks everyone!
Ms Miko

Mom of 3, my husband and I were just in the situation in Aug of last year, and it was very hard to deal with, I’m not going to go all into details, and pointing fingers, but I do know most of it was about me being crazy and not realizing, what God and gave me in my husband. But I am here to tell you Prayer and true faith changes things. If you want your marriage to work, you have to work and pray, even if you don’t pray together, make sure your pray, you don’t have to pray long prayers, but makes sure they are strong prayers. And thru our storm, the best advice I got other than to pray was to stay his wife, meaning still cook, clean, fix his plate, etc. and even though it was hard I did. And one day in Mid Oct he came to me and said, I don’t know if you still love me, but I still love you, and my love is strong enough to hold us together, and that was our turning point. So to say all that sometimes you have to create a turning point, by putting yourself out there.

Ok for my challenge…

I’ve been doing fairly well, since I work 1st shift and he works a rotating 2nd shift (that I hate I might add) anyways so we had finally had a weekend off toghether, and I made arrangements for the baby to be gone until Sunday, so when he got home on Friday we had a picinic in the living room, by candle light. So you know we did our thang that night, and on Sat. we didn’t even get dressed, we stayed in the bed alllll day, we ordered chinese food, didn’t answer cell phones (except for the baby sitter) and just watched movies and enjoyed each others company, we slept in again on Sunday, the baby came home about 3, and we were all good.

Ok so my husband writes beautiful poetry (erotic peotry I might add) and on when I woke up on Tuesday he had a poem taped to the mirror, Man I almost called into work….lol

Let me know if yall want to read the poem I will post it…
Harriet

Ms. Miko, that’s so real. More people need to learn how to give the whole story, and not just the “happily ever after” part. You’ve always been good for that, and I love the fact that the two of you all worked everything out with the Lord’s help! You’re a real encouragement!

For the challenge, I almost backslid yesterday. I’m not loud, but I can be contentious at times. There are also times when I’m not willing to hold anything in, because I don’t want to shut down. So of course, I’ll want to discuss what’s bothering me. Lately, I’ve adjusted that attitude to also be willing to discuss immediately what he’s said or done to make me feel loved and secure. It’s been working wonders, but yesterday, it backfired on me.

So I was running late when he came to pick me up, and I went outside about two minutes after he called and told me he was out there. I get in the truck, and here is this man, who has been working out relentlessly in the weight room for the past six months. His 6’4″ frame was wrapped in a sky blue button down shirt and navy blue suit pants, with the fly Guess shoes I purchased for him.

Just mmm-mmm good, right?

And then, he just purchased some new cologne. I don’t know what it’s called, but every time I smell it on him, I want to wear the man that’s wearing it, if you know what I mean. LOL

So I hop in the truck, I see him, his fragrance caresses my olfactory glands, I smile and say, “You look and smell delicious, baby. Wow!”

He responded, “Yeah, whatever baby.”

Huh?

So I’m about to let it slide, but I didn’t want to shut down, so I told him his response hurt my feelings. One of the things he told me he wanted me to do for him more often is appreciate and compliment him on how attractive he is to me. So I do that, and THAT’S the response I get????

But I purposed in my heart that I was going to continue to do it. His response felt like a punch in the gut…but I was determined to shake it off and move on.

I think I did an all right job. I tried to discuss it later, but he was tired, and the timing was all wrong…maybe I’ll write a letter or something. LOL
Mom of 3

@ Ms. Miko–Thanks for sharing your story. I am praying and trying to work through this. It is hard–we have been going through this for almost a year and a half and we have only been married 2 years and 11 months. My husband says he is at the give up point but I am trusting that God can bring back to life that which is dead.

@ Harriet– you always make me laugh! I can only imagine having to shut up when you really want to holler, take the darn compliment! LOL

30-Day Challenge Update – Last Week

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