What Would You Ask? What Would You Say?

In a nutshell, my answer to her question was that the two of them are developing a new family. When it comes to conflict, decision making, or anything else in their relationship, I told her the most important voices to listen to are: the Lord, and one another.

Y’all are pissed off at each other? It’s all about Reginald and Ernestine.

Y’all are making a decision about where to move next? It’s all about Reginald and Ernestine.

That’s not to say they should not seek wise counsel, but even with wise counsel, the two of them are the ones that will have to live with the decision, so it would behoove them to take serious precautions in terms of who they allow to play an influential role in their lives.

I agree with you Harriet. But I must add, I have being married for 4yrs now and I guess I am still considered newlywed, but when my younger cousin’s see my husband and I together they would always say they admire us so much. What they don’t know is that we are not always like that. There are times when I don’t even like him and Vice Versa. But I know deep down he is the love of my life. So for younger folks about the get hitched, seek counselling from your pastor, older folks with positive attitude. Understand the meaning of marriage ”till death do us apart”. Ask yourself these few questions:

-am I willing to compromise,
-can you love this person unconditionaly,
-do you respect and honor this person,
- is this person your friend etc

These are some of the important questions that I ask my friends when they are about to get married. And always remember a family that prays together stays together. GOod Luck

@ cartersmom and T.

You all are SO right! I had to learn the hard way to make it a point to only discuss positive changes and transformations in my husband with family and friends. The only people we are completely transparent with are a couple down the street and our pastors. We both agree about one another’s choices, and it helps that we both go to the same people.

Boundaries are absolutely essential!!! Whether between spouses or between a couple and the people they associate with or seek for counsel!

Those were great points, y’all!

@Jonesi

I was afraid someone may have taken that the wrong way. You need someone to confide in. It is an absolute must. What I was referring to was using wisdom to know who to confide in. And sometimes that is difficult.

I think my greatest challenge in almost seven years of marriage has not come from my wife, but from trying to figure out who I can confide in when I have issues. Unfortunately, we (my wife and I) both come from families with many failed marriages and bad relationships. There are plenty of folks around me who are emotionally scarred. I take that into account before I solicit any advice.

Also, don’t let married people scare you. Some people simply made bad choices. They married a person they know they should not have. And/ or they married a person for all the wrong reasons. Now they are miserable and want to project that misery onto you. Don’t accept that. When you hear those kinds of comments always consider the people making them. There are some people whose lives would be a mess irregardless of their marital status. Why? Because they are the problem.

My suggestion to anyone who is engaged is to simply take your time. Don’t rush. You two are still getting to know one another. There will be things you don’t like. I am sure there are some things he doesn’t like. It comes with the territory. Just remember marriage is mainly on the job training. You become a great spouse over time. No one is a great spouse when they say “I do”. As long as both of you are willing to learn and grow as people you should be just fine.

I guess I am in a awkward predicament because I come from a family of very successful single women who, though they may want a husband, do a darn good job living without one. So I’ve noticed remarks that imply, “Why would you even want to deal with that from a man” and I am starting to acquire that mindset. I do belive divorce should not be an option but I also don’t intend to allow anyone to rob me of my happiness. It’s so weird how you begin to see life differently when you are about to make such a big decision. I loved my relationship because we both knew we didn’t need each other, we could be with other people, yet we wanted one another regardless of what we went through. But since we’ve gotten engaged, something changed. With all that said, I have no one to talk about this with candidly and emotionally I’m tapped out because the words of encouragment I would get would be to move on with my life – it’s the easiet thing to do.

Jonesi, we are all products of our environments. At some point during the transition between being a child and being an adult, many folks learn how to create their own environment and atmosphere to either enhance where they came from or refuse to go back to what they once were.

There are generations of women who were left to fend for themselves when it came to child rearing and raising. Although unfortunate, most single mothers I know dug their feet in, collected a set of testicles to match their breasts, and for better or for worse, became moms and pops to children who had no control over whether or not the circumstances behind their birth were ideal.

That is deserving of a lot of respect, honor and dignity.

BUT…

When this concept graduated from a necessity to an actual choice in lifestyle, things for men and women began to degenerate. Women began to emasculate men because they had been doing it for themselves for so long.

It’s great for me to know how to put gas in the car, change a tire or light bulb, protect myself from predators, etc. But to tell a man that because I’ve been doing it on my own for so long, I really don’t need you to do anything for me, that’s dangerous.

What will end up happening is this perpetual battle about who will wear the pants in the house. The woman has done well at it because she’s HAD to over the years, but when a good man comes along, she no longer has to, but she refuses to relinquish that particular role in order to adopt another one.

THEN, a man will do one of two things: he will get out of dodge (emotionally, physically or both), or he will abdicate his God given role as protector, provider, lover, and friend, and will castrate their masculinity to take on the role of a woman (or, if that’s foreign to them, they’ll just get in this catatonic “Yes, Dear” state where they’re agreeing just to keep the peace).

It seems to me–and PLEASE correct me if I’m wrong, because I don’t want to offend or run you away–that you’re at a crossroads (“and I’m gonna miss everybody…” LOL!!!) between how you were raised, and who you have chosen to marry.

If you choose to stay, the onus will be on you to create your own atmosphere and climate with your husband of how you want to identify yourselves as a MARRIED COUPLE.

If you choose to leave, more power to you. But if it is your desire to marry one day, you will run into this issue again. Unless you want to marry some “Yes Man” who has no backbone and no potential to lead you as a family (and I seriously doubt that is on your list of characteristics that attract you to a brother), you will undoubtedly face the same issues later on down the line.

I would like to challenge you to write down a vision about where the two of you want to go as a couple…finanically, children, relationally, school wise, careers, etc. I would also challenge you to write down your fears and reasons why you feel like you can’t confide in this man you’ve made a preliminary agreement to spend the rest of your life with.

This is where the rubber meets the road. It has nothing to do with the negativity those individuals spewed your way in giving you unsolicited advice. It has very little to do with where you’re from and what you’re used to. It has everything to do with the life and atmosphere you’re about to build with another person.

The two shall become ONE FLESH, and what God puts together, no one can tear it apart. That has more to do with identity than it does with sex.

Whew….ok I think I like the idea of writing out my vision. I shall keep you updated! Please ask Lamar for my email and I don’t mind sharing it with you

“If you are single and not interested in getting married, what questions would you ask a married couple?”

When I was single and not interested, I didn’t ask any questions at all, I was single and didn’t care. But what I did realize was that if you want to be in a healthy and happy relationship then make it your business and act accordingly. I did observe other couples and took notes but I never really sought after any advice. Think in terms of a recent post here, about the Laws of Attraction. Make the choice and work towards that goal.

I choose to be happy, healthy and positive. Real simple.

@Lamar, other folks opinion? Yeah I hear you. Now if they’re in a really great happy relationship, I’m all ears. If it isn’t constructive, then I’ll figure it out myself.

@jonesi

Good luck! Personally I was the person who had a hard time expressing myself verbally. I always had to write it down. My fiancé doesn’t like that, he likes to communicate verbally versus reading what I have to say. That has forced me to voice my opinion or feelings and not hold them in as much as I used to, because sometimes I do still hold things in and let them build up. I think it is important to be able to communicate with your mate, especially since he is the one you will have to be forsaking all others for. Again good luck. I know it can be hard to open up to people especially after doing so and then receiving negative or mixed signals.

This is a wonderful topic. I have been married now for eight years. I wish I would have known to ask these types of questions and had the wisdom to seek such advise.
I believe that if ask these questions I would say:
-Understand your actions/plans do not just affect you anymore.
-Learn that your partner does not know your expectation to ANYTHING until you have communicated them.
-In forming your life with someone else it is important that you don’t forget who you are.
-Do not just compromise, talk it through
-Trust, I am not just talking about that person either
trust your judgements, trust your feelings, trust in God.
Finally, I want to share a quote that read a while back from our now President of the United States “Alway remember that feeling defeated is a temporary condition. But giving up is what it permanent.” (Thanks HH)

@ Daisy,

That certainly wasn’t the tenor of the article that was written. I, personally, was quite satisfied and thriving in my single life. I was complete, I had great relationships, I was confident in myself and my career, etc. etc.

I chose to get married because I met a man who inspired me by his vision. I wanted very much to be a part of that vision…but guess what? If we had not chosen one another, I would have been just as fulfilled.

I certainly don’t subscribe to this whole “If you ain’t got a man, you ain’t got nothing” viewpoint. In fact, it is arguable that much more can be done in terms of fulfilling purpose and vision when you’re single.

Yes, the Lord said it is not good for us to be alone…but He also used the ultimate example (Jesus) of showing us how a person can be single all their life and still be fulfilled and joyous.