A Man’s Job

Relationships

by Lamar Tyler | on March 26th, 2009 | 19 comments

In order to help the greater good, I’ll give you a peek into my marriage and see exactly what we’re doing wrong so you can get it right.

Example:

Last week, I finally decided to mention to my husband that the oil change light in my car was on. I told him it had been on for about a week and that he needed to take my car to get the oil changed after he got home from work. I’d watch the kids and make dinner and by the time he got back, dinner would be ready.

Now, I admit, when I got married I had some preconceived notions of how everything was supposed to go down. Who would cook dinner (me), who would wash the cars (him), who would do the kids’ hair (him…LOL). Getting the oil changed in the cars is CLEARLY one of those “man” things I expected him to do.

So imagine my surprise when he refuses. Since we’ve been together, nine times out of ten he takes my car to get any type of maintenance done. “I’m going to be tired,” he tells me.

Um-hmm. Like I won’t be tired too after a hellish hour-plus commute?

“Please,” I say in my nicest voice.

“No. Just take it in. You don’t even have to get out of the car,” he insists.

Round and around we go. Long story short, it’s a week later and I still don’t have the oil changed. Truthfully, it slipped my mind, but really? I want him to do it. I know it’s somewhat childish and I’m a grown woman and I can get my own oil changed. But I don’t wanna. *big pout*

Just like if we’re driving somewhere and we need gas. I’m certainly not getting out the car to pump gas when I’ve got an able-bodied man sitting next to me. No siree. I’ll slide you my debit card and tell you to pull up to pump 3.

Taking out the trash? Pffftt. Nope, that’s stinky man stuff.

Calling the plumber or repairman? That’s all him.

I do my share too. Like, I don’t know, birthing the babies and breastfeeding the babies. That falls under my domain. I do all the laundry and run the vacuum and buy the groceries and the kids’ clothes.

Is it asking too much to get my oil changed?

BMWK readers, do you feel there are certain things only a man or woman should do?

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

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http://www.makesmewannaholler.com E.Payne

I could write a book about this one. As a handy man and a domesticated man and a neat freak, I’m a “triple threat.” I fix everything, clean nearly everything and other than birthing babies, breastfeeding (which I can’t do) and grocery shopping (which I HATE to do unless it’s early in the morning or late at night when no one is around) I’m running my house (with a job). My wife loves to cook, every meal is a recipe of some sort that requires a thousand ingredients and she’s great at it, she does my daughter’s hair otherwise my baby would be looking like Raggedy Ann – literally. The argument in my house is actually who does more.

To your hubby’s point an oil change in 2009 has become so dumbed down. Gone are the days of driving it up on lifts in your driveway, draining the oilpan and hanging out with your male neighbors talking about each others cars and lawns. It’s like going to a drive thru car wash, in fact most car washes now have oil change stations built into the building. And if you can get it done in fifteen minutes during lunch, why not? Versus him having to come home and then go back out. Or you could just wait to let him do it on the weekend. Getting your tires changed, washing the car and all that other stuff I agree, if you’re married have your man do it if you don’t want to. But I do think it’s sexy when I see a woman pumping her own gas or telling some man what she needs done to her car (just a side note). I hear you on the roles, but some things nowadays are just too easy to stick onto one specific gender.

Just my thoughts.

E.Paynes last blog post..Wednesday’s Question of the Week: What Makes You So Angry…
http://www.scritchandscratch.com/blog VEe!

I love the title of the post, because I was really interested in hearing what the author thought is the woman’s job. In the end I think it comes down to clearly defining your expectations from the beginning. I don’t think you’re asking for much at all.

“That’s stinky man’s stuff.”
But I don’t wanna. *big pout*

That is hilarious and it sounds very familiar. Every once in a while I take care of some the duties that my wife normally handles. She’s often shocked if she sees me using the vacuum cleaner or cleaning the bathroom. Although if she read this comment, she would say that happens once every two months.

@E. Payne, I’m not mad a female grease monkey.

That whole breastfeeding thing is really difficult for the fellas. For some reason I just dont’ see that happening.

VEe!s last blog post..Drawing Beautiful Strangers
Harriet

I never thought I would employ some of the BORING doctrine I learned in the Air Force, but while I was reading, I kept hearing it in my head:

FLEXIBILITY is the key to airpower! LOL For me, I was grown and single for YEARS before I got married, so I HAD to do all that stuff for myself. I know how to change tires and oil. I know how to cook, clean, take out the trash, mow and edge the yard, etc.

I also know how to relax and let my man be who he is. If he wants to take some of that load off me, I’m all for it.

BUT with that, I know how to listen when he tells me (whether with non-verbals or verbally) he’s tired, and if he needs his rest during the time when I need something to get done, the task will either wait, or I’ll do it.
Mom of 3

Defining expectation and roles in my house has become a big issue. As the wife, I take out the trash when needed(I hate it, the trash can is bigger than me), cook, clean (not as often as I should), take care of the kids, take my son for hair cuts, comb the girls hair, get the oil changed in my vehilce, etc. My husband usually does all of the yard work and does help some with the kids. We usually pay someone to wash the cars which I think is a waste of money. Since it is now Spring, the grass in our yard is looking really bad. One of my neighbors came over a few days ago and asked if he could cut the yard for us. I was really embarrased because our yard looks the worst in the neighborhood right now. I am struggling not to say something to my husband about cutting the yard because if I ask when he plans to cut the yard, then I’m nagging, so I think I’ll just stick to cooking, cleaning, working, and taking care of kids.
http://theyoungmommylife.com Tara

I know it’s easy as ever to get the oil changed these days. That’s not the point. My point is that my hubby and I have an understanding. He doesn’t expect me to take out the trash or cut the boy’s hair. I don’t expect him to cook dinner every night. We have an agreement as to what our jobs are and we do it. Like I said, he usually always handles the car maintenance. He was just being stubborn. (Like I am. LOL)

Taras last blog post..Weekly Inspiration: Give me strength
http://www.wisdomswork.com D Michele

Although some “chores” naturally fall into place for men and women, there shouldn’t be a set of things either one has to do 100% of the time. The husband and wife should both be well aware of the daily chores AND how to do them. I say this because, what if something was to happen to your spouse and you were left to take care of the house, family, and or business? If you weren’t used to doing it, you would be completely lost! I do or am capable of doing everything that needs to be done in and around my home and that’s the way it will always be. I grew up taking out the garbage, doing the dishes and mowing the lawn. I am thankful my mother had me do all of those things because it made me a well rounded person able to take care of me and mine.
http://www.scritchandscratch.com/blog VEe!

D Michele . . . I hear you all the way.

VEe!s last blog post..Drawing Beautiful Strangers
MissJay

My fiancé and I share household chores. He’s more of a neat freak so he likes to clean a lot. If I cook then he washes dishes and vice versa. One thing he almost always does (there are very few times I do this when he’s with me) is pump the gas. I know how to change a tire but I’ve never had to do it. I would prefer for him to call for maintenece things but I can do it myself.
Smart Mouth

I am proactive while my better half is a procrastinator. My wife is a student so I do most of the cooking, cleaning, car maintenance, yard work, laundry and everything else with the exception of combing my girls hair and buying their clothes. I don’t wait on my wife to do things around the house because I am very impatient. She knows how I am so I thinks she gets some personal enjoyment of coming home and being able to relax.
CartersMom

SMARTMOUTH, YOU ARE DEFINETELY A KEEPER. I’M STILL WORKING ON MY HUSBAND TO PICK UP AFTER HIMSELF. YA’LL DON’T WANT ME TO START TALKING ABOUT CHORES.
CLM

Call me “old school”, but your hubby should be taking care of that, without you having to worry about it. I don’t know your schedules, so that might be a LOT more difficult than it sounds.

Car stuff = the guy. Period.

Again, I think that is something he should lead on. “Sweetheart, it’s time for an oil change, so I’ll be taking the car in on…” That kind of thing.

Like I said, that works for me; I don’t know your schedules or time pressures.
http://theyoungmommylife.com Tara Pringle Jefferson

I definitely know how to do almost everything in and around the house. I think it might be because of the way I was brought up. My dad would go out and brush the snow off my car and start it for me when I was in high school. He always put gas in my car and he took the trash out and…well, I was spoiled. And he would always do those things for my mom as well. So when I got married, I brought those assumptions to my marriage as well.

@CLM – That’s what I’m talking about! Let a man be a man! LOL.

Tara Pringle Jeffersons last blog post..And the winner is….
Rock City Roots

I rollin with MissJay……In our home we do what is needed. Whoever, gets to it first gets it done. Most of the time I clean and do the laundry and my wife would take the car for maintence(but she worked for the car dealer. She cook mostly but I sometimes get my hand in mix. I can cook mac and cheese.My wife cuts the boys hair including me. My point shared responsibility. Like MissJay expressed you may be in a situation where you have to do it.
Anna

A chore is a chore is a chore. If the garbage needs to be taken out, do it, if the dishes need washed, wash them. If the oil needs changed in my cars I go to Vavoline. My kids just took one of my cars to the “do it yourself car wash”. My hubby will change a flat on my car, he has only changed the oil in my car once. I buy the “entertainment coupon book” and we have coupons for free oil changes, resturant coupons, comedy club and tire rotaion. FYI, I buy the book for all the free stuff mid year and it’s half price. On a real note we do have to let a man be a man and a woman be a woman but in todays times there are not gender “chore” roles. I am going to go “country white” and say , get her done”.
L. Gettis

Awe come on! It takes less than 30 minutes to have your oil changed. I do it? Its no big deal. You better hurry, you don’t want your car engine to lock up on you?
http://theyoungmommylife.com Tara Pringle Jefferson

Apparently, no one caught the humor in the article! I guess it can’t be so subtle! LOL.

@L. Gettis – I know I CAN get it done and I WILL get it done, but I was trying to make a larger point about whether or not it’s common to expect one person to handle certain responsibilities. I know it only takes a few minutes. Not the point. The point is that he usually handles these things and having to do it myself requires me to change my schedule around a bit. That’s all. Not the end of the world.

Tara Pringle Jeffersons last blog post..Share your breastfeeding horror story
william

yes i dont mind doing the cooking getting kids ready for school,taking out trash but if i’m to sick or to tierd i will look at my wife or children to help out also and if they respect me they will help out and i reward them and thank them for thier time it should be a give and take thing everyone should help out in there own way.
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