Dear BMWK, I’m Confused and Need Advice

Dear BMWK

by Lamar Tyler | on March 26th, 2009 | 12 comments

Dear BMWK,

I need some advice. I am a single (sort-of) woman with 4 children, ages 15-4, great job, always been independent and took care of my own. I recently split with the father of my children of 11 years and been dating now for about 3 years. My IBM (Ideal black man) is one with morals, values, goals, a job, a car, his priorities in order, some kind of future plan, be goal driven, must have a relationship with his mother and his children if he has any, must take pride in his appearance, be sensitive to my needs, be patient and understanding. Now, of course I reciprocate all these things and more to my man and would not want any less given back. This is my dilemma, I have dated men with hot cars, hot looks and the money to back it all up 10 fold! but fall short of even having respect for me outside the bedroom, not acknowledging my children and making it known they want nothing more once some time has passed and I bring up “moving forward”. I have met many men that could have been my IBM but their personality has put them up under the foot and the qualities that I desire and the needs that I want to feel at the end of the day are not there, yet they have some of the “materialist possessions” I hold dear and they could offer me a cozy future of more materialist things but the respect to allow me to be me is not there and I feel my children’s happiness would be compromised.

Recently, I met a man. Just so happens, its my BFF brother, we have began to talk and date, he already knows my children and they love him, as well as I love his daughter, the kids get along well. No problem there. Our chemistry and conversation is great. I come home from a long day, kick off my shoes and he comes to rub them. The respect he has for me and my children is great. He listens. He is attentive to my needs. He cooks. Does HW with the kids. He makes me laugh. He sees that all of my needs are met. Dilemma. He has no job. No car. He Lives with his sister and going through a rough time right now. He wants to be with me and I want to be with him but I don’t want to step back into the same drought of being with a man with no purpose, no goals, I question if we would have a future. I don’t want to have to pick up the slack all the time. I did that for 11 years. But at the end of the day he offers me all of him in ways I never could imagine I feel when I am with him, he gives me what I had hoped for from the men I assumed had the complete package inside as well as outside. I want a man that has a nice car and a job and goals. One that could take care of me at least 60/40. I do. But I have found that the men I looked for haven’t been able to give me what I need at the end of the day, maybe because he’s out gallivanting in that nice car.

Is there a man out there that has all the qualities that I desire and would want me and my children? Or do I have to settle for the man who has nothing but unconditional love for me and my kids and continue pay for our future solely on my own and possibly have animosity about it later?

Sincerely,

So very confused

HIS VIEW:

“Or do I have to settle” – Quick answer = NO. That’s exactly it you don’t have to settle. I was about to go into a long explanation on some things but you said it yourself at the end. You know you’re just settling and that this will turn into animosity at a later point when you get tired of taking care of a grown man. Now I don’t know what his tough times are, there are a lot of folks that recently lost jobs etc… but does he have goals, an ambition to work, etc…? Or is his job going to be just rubbing your feet when you get home and are you cool with that? As a man I couldn’t do it. Personally I’ve got to take on that provider role and even if I don’t make as much as you I’m out working and adding my two cents into the family.

In the long run don’t compromise for someone that will take away from the happiness of you and your children and don’t settle for someone else that you know you’ll be unhappy with down the line then kick yourself for it. Just wait, be patient and allow Mr. Right time to come into your life.

HER VIEW:

I agree with Lamar on not compromising. You also need to look at your list and decide if having a fancy car or certain job position is important enough to rule out a potential prospect. You already said before that you dated someone that had these things but they didn’t make you and the kids fully happy. Like you said, your new mate would be great if he were a hard worker. If he’s just not working because he’s not motivated what type of image is this setting for your kids. Since he is your BFF’s brohter, you should already know why he is not working. You should already know if he is taking care of the one kid you said he has.
You need to figure out what really are the most important things on your list (your requirements to be happy) and stick to them. Stay strong! The right man is out there.

BMWK family what are your thoughts on this? Help a BMWK family member out!

If you have a question that you’d like for the BMWK family to chime in on email it to info[at]blackandmarriedwithkids.com. We won’t disclose who it was from and we’ll notify you if it’s chosen to go onto the site.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

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Comments (12)

Kemi Thursday - 26 / 03 / 2009 Reply

I read your story. What I've learned is you have to be happy within yourself. A partner doesn't make you 'whole', they enchance you more. And when you are whole and fulfilled, the material things do not matter. I have been in relationships where the man was 'down on his luck' and I played the rescuer, providing resources for him to get on his feet and being the cheerleader only to get my feelings hurt when he gets himself stable and moves on. Take it from me. The time and effort you are spending trying to find 'Mr.Right On, use that time to make you happy. Men sense everything from desperation to if a woman is materialistic and he will treat you the way he sees you and the way you see yourself. LOL
Harriet Thursday - 26 / 03 / 2009 Reply

I have a different concern beyond what your qualifications are in terms of your "IBM." It seems to me that you HAVE settled...many, many times. I can't stress enough how damaging it is to the psyche of a person to have sex with a person whose level of commitment is casual at best. This is not a judgement of your character, but I think your question is symptomatic of a larger issue that begs to be resolved--if not for your sake, then for the sake of your children. When your children watch your relationships, what are they learning about how women should relate to men, and vice versa? Are they learning that they can get all these goodies if they give the "goodies" up? Are they learning that as soon as they get bored with the bedroom, then all bets are off in the relationship? Are they learning how to carry themselves with respect and honor, and how to employ patience in order to gain a more excellent, respectful, loving relationship? What are you REALLY teaching your children about relationships based on the information you provided above? Heck no, you don't have to settle, but you've already established a pattern of doing just that. I don't know which is worse...settling for having love, respect and honor, but no partnership financially, or settling for all the goodies, but having no respect. Based on what was written, you've done both. It seems to me that the decision lies squarely with you to stop allowing your emotions and feelings to be the sole decision maker for you. They're PIMPING you! Not the men, but your emotions and feelings. It's time out for all that. Let the Lord (if you have a relationship with Him) order your steps. At least employ some mental strength and think about all the "what ifs" before jumping into another relationship. I meant none of this in a harsh manner. I just hate to see grown folks play themselves, though. Your question begged for an honest answer.
LaKeyshaF Thursday - 26 / 03 / 2009 Reply

I think you should make it clear that the relationship will not move to deeper waters until he gets back on his feet. As was said above...it DOES make a difference why he is going through hard times. Is it the current economy (just lost a job)...or is he one to say that there are just no jobs out there?...All the time you knew your BFF was he working/living on his own/taking care of his? If you choose to take the relationship further then you must ask yourself how you would feel 10 years later and the situation is the same. Is that something that you can accept? If not...just give it some time. If he's worth the effort he will already be working on getting his situation straight so that he will have something to offer you. But right now it sounds like he's more in need of a supportive friend than a girlfriend.
Lamar Thursday - 26 / 03 / 2009 Reply

I forgot to add that you should wait to see what his job situation turns into to if you're not sure what type of character he has when it comes to this area. A lot of women make the mistake of rushing their emotions into the situation by falling madly in love, sleeping with a man and then letting him move in before they've thoroughly check the guy out. Take your time and all of your questions about him will be answered in one way or another. Lamars last blog post..Dear BMWK, I’m Confused and Need Advice
Tiya Thursday - 26 / 03 / 2009 Reply

I agree with was said above, definitely find out, if you don't already know, what his work habits have been and sit him down and ask him about his career goals and his dreams and what's his plan to get them. If it doesn't sound right or sound like he's not motivated at all, then you have to do what you have to do. But, if he does have a plan and is working toward that, then I suggest being there for him as far as support and encouragement. If everything else is there as far as the respect and support he is giving you, it's okay for you to show him that same support.
MissJay Thursday - 26 / 03 / 2009 Reply

I agree with Tiya. Her post was pretty much exactly what I would have posted. Good luck to you. And if this one doesn't work out, stay in prayer(even if it does work out).
Kemi Thursday - 26 / 03 / 2009 Reply

I'd like you to get Steve Harvey's book. It explains when you're starting to date someone, you give them a 3 month probationary period, which means you get to know them, if they're stable and don't engage in s*x with them. This period allows you the opportunity to decide if he's a keeper or if you should walk away. Second, the following questions should be asked right away if you're dating, what are your short term goals?, what are your long term goals and where do I fit in them? and how do you feel about me? If those questions are answered and you don't fit anywhere in the equation then it's time to put up a flag. Third, if you're dating for awhile and if in introductions he doesn't refer to you as his lady, woman, girlfriend, wifey etc. etc., you aren't and he doesn't see that way. If you're the one, a man will tell the next man you're his woman so the next man will know not to approach you that way. I think you should wait at least until this new guy in your life is stable and has a job before you get really involved with him. A man must have 3 things before he gets involved with the 'one'. He must know who is he, what he does (status) and how money he makes to provide, protect and support his family. Hope I didn't get all preachy but I hate to hear about sistas getting their hearts broken over and over again. This book should have been around like yesterday. BMWK, I'm not endorsing Steve's Harvey book on your website :). I just hope this advice helps! LOL
Anonymous Thursday - 26 / 03 / 2009 Reply

think
Anonymous Friday - 27 / 03 / 2009 Reply

i think you have this twisted. why are you so determined to find a man? your kids need you to parent not try to find that perfect man for yourself. your time will come when they are not depending on you, so wait it out, focus on the kids and put the man thing on the back burner.
Anna Friday - 27 / 03 / 2009 Reply

Anonymous said: i think you have this twisted. why are you so determined to find a man? your kids need you to parent not try to find that perfect man for yourself. your time will come when they are not depending on you, so wait it out, focus on the kids and put the man thing on the back burner ~~~~~~~~ I did not want to seem mean but this was also my thought. I think that it has to be difficult to get to know a man if he does not have a J O B. The character of a man is evaluated by his work ethics. I don't care where the man works but if he takes pride in his job and knowing that he put in a honest day of work for an honest days pay to me that = his character. It is nice to raise kids with a mate/spouse. Our choices/circumstances do make us "single parents". We don't have to seek and make it our mission to have a dad/mom in our kids lives for the children who are in ours, if we are only doing it for the sake of the kids who are only in our homes to raise for a brief "momemt", don't you get stuck with a mate that you can't communicate with and divorce = an option. Just my Gibber Gabber. Is Gibber Jabber spelled with a "G or a J"? I did go to a public school. LOL.
Teanna Sunday - 29 / 03 / 2009 Reply

I think the man you're with has all the qualities that matter most. Sure money is important and mainly that he can provide for your family if it comes to that. There also is nothing wrong with standing by someone you care about during hard times. I don't think you were very clear.... you said that he has no job, that he has no car and stays with his sister....but you didn't say if he wants to work, is looking or just a bum. I think that can better help us to advise you.
Penny Tuesday - 31 / 03 / 2009 Reply

Love the Dad's comment: "but does he have goals, an ambition to work, etc…? Or is his job going to be just rubbing your feet when you get home and are you cool with that? ". If all I need is someone to rub my feet, I'm good with the no job as long as he keeps the "no" theme. What is the "No" Theme? Glad you asked. You the man have no job, Me the woman have No sex, No money - loans gifts or promises, No borrowing my car, No spending nights on my couch or in my bed - rub my feet and keep it pushing (I may make an occasional meal in return for the foot rub, but even that's not a guarantee and the No embargo remains in effect) and most importantly - drum roll please.....No discussions of "our future together" until you get your present together.