Black and Married With Kids.com – A Positive Image of Marriage and Family

Dear BMWK, Is It Time To Move On?

Dear BMWK

by  |  on March 5th, 2009  |  17 comments

My question/concern would be.. Ive been in a relationship for a few years. I ve always strived to become a better person for my self and my daughters. Im a single parent although I have a significant other. I currently earned my bachelors degree and I soon will be returning back to school for my MBA. My significant other, on the other hand, didnt graduate high school. He has a million and one reasons for everything that he doesnt do, ok. I dont want to be labeled as the “nagger”, but its driving me crazy the fact that there are opportunities out there for him and he doesnt take advantage. I use to bring him information on how to obtain the GED and also info on how to obtai a trade or something. I was always willing to help out a brother. but he’s always looking for a short cut, cheap cut, whatever you want to call it. Im not his parents and sometimes I feel that Im dealing with a child that doesnt understand that he has a job to do.

Im just not really feeling where this relationship is moving. Im in need to better myself emotionally, phyically, spritiually, and this man is at a standstill.

Please advise….

HER VIEW:

It sounds like to me you already know what you need to do but you want confirmation. The question is what do you want out of your life because it sounds like you want more. I don’t think you’re going to be able to change him so you need to focus on yourself. If your daughters were dating a guy like this what would you tell them?

HIS VIEW:

I think you’ve gone past the point of being a supportive mate and have somehow ended up being his new momma. Now I’m assuming he’s not working and earning a living by the way you framed the question. If that’s the case you need to move on because it seems like you’re determined to drag him along kicking and screaming and that’s not going to end on a happy note.

If he is working and holding it down the problem may be you. Your dreams for him and his dreams for himself may be totally different and I think if he’s doing what he has to do he’s good. He shouldn’t get a college degree, Masters and PHD because you want him to get one, he has to want it for himself. It may be easier to go out and find what you want instead of trying to make him into what you want.


About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.



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Comments (17)

  1. Harriet Thursday - 05 / 03 / 2009 Reply
    Ronnie said: "If your daughters were dating a guy like this what would you tell them?" **************** That's where the rubber meets the road right there! Do you want your children to perpetuate the same types of choices in men that you have made? If you want THEM to do better, it begins with you. You called him your significant other? Does that mean you're married? Are you living together? Those types of issues tend to complicate the black and white decision you need to make.
  2. Anonymous Thursday - 05 / 03 / 2009 Reply
    From the tone of your post, I think you already know the answer to this... You've grown past this brotha. It's time to let him go! If you don't he will only stagnate you. Read Steve Harvey's book!!! If a brotha is not where he know he needs to be, and all the things that drive him (who he is, what he does, how much he makes)are not in place he will NOT be able to be a good man to you...or anyone else.
  3. BNC Thursday - 05 / 03 / 2009 Reply
    well, significant other, he is a live in boyfriend and he is employed. I dont feel that I want him to get a masters or PhD or anything, but if he has potential I would like to see him put more effort into somethings besides nothing. He has ideas and talks about doing things better for himself, but will not make as much effort as I will to get him started. But you guys are right, it will have to start with me. Ive known this but Im not sure if I was doing the right thing or not particularly because I dont want to deal with the dating scene. I guess you can call it settling.. My best bet is to have "another" conversation with him and put my foot down..
  4. Lynn Thursday - 05 / 03 / 2009 Reply
    ...all very good advice from the posts & I like the addt'l comment of the husband giving the guy's side too of IF he's working & holding it down the problem may be her & basically don't try to make him into someone he's not or doesn't want to be because it will end badly. I can only add that if you continue to push it will make him feel like less of a man. If you can't voluntarily come together on this, then you have to make a decision for yourself and he has to do the same.
  5. CS Thursday - 05 / 03 / 2009 Reply
    @BNC, From the tone of your email to the tone of your response its obvious you already know the answer to your question. But one aspect you have to remember is your child. You may be tired and willing to settle to avoid the dating scene, but you will also be unfairly settling for her as well. As everyone stated, it starts with you. I hope that everything works out for the best. CSs last blog post..Would You Befriend Yourself?
  6. Wtf? Thursday - 05 / 03 / 2009 Reply
    I feel sorry for this man. Society has crippled his ambition. Either that or stymied his ability to perceive opportunity and appreciate the type of support he has been blessed to have. I think you are a visionary woman. That is a very rare quality in these times. One thing that everyone must actualize in life, is that, everyone is an individual and travel their own life paths. After acknowledging this fact, you must be able to accurately assess if your life paths still coincide. Not everyone is meant to be in your life forever. Paths merge, converge and diverge. Although this is a difficult decision to make, it must be made to preserve your life quality.
  7. Sasha Thursday - 05 / 03 / 2009 Reply
    Great topic...I agree with everything. It seems like you already know the "right" answer for you, but you want validation, and maybe you want some validation to stay??? If you want to "settle", as you call it, and stay with him because you don't want to do the "dating" scene, then you have to stop pushing him to be something else. Now, you can encourage him, and be the change you wish to see by bettering yourself, but I don't believe that it is fair for you to stay and "choose" him, and just use him as a place card until someone else more suited for you comes along. Also, you have to ask yourself if you are always going to be someone who is never satisfied with their mate because you think they should be more. (I am NOT saying that you are this, but it is a good inquiry to have with yourself.) That being said, there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting more for yourself and working to achieve that. I think you need to be honest with yourself: is this a relationship that has run its course? This is either a man that you can see yourself growing old with or not. What kind of an example are you setting for your kids? What do you desire for yourself? Now, make a decision and move forward, and good luck!!
  8. Jonesi Thursday - 05 / 03 / 2009 Reply
    First I want to say that not going to college isn't a strike against any person that strives to excel and advance in other aspects of their life. Not obtaining a high school diploma or a GED is a red flag and warning sign that this person has little to no aspiration to do much of anything (productive) in life - IMO (and I'm not speaking of people from much older generations yet I am speaking from first-hand experience and recent interactions). I've seen my friends overlook this major complication only to find that these men were merely existing with no real goals to advance or succeed. A man without vision or a plan of action to enhance his own life, certainly isn't putting any brain power into how he can assist in advancing yours. You are obviously an intelligent, goal-oriented woman that aspires to increase your portolio of opportunity and unfortunately fell in love with a man that has been brainwashed into believing he isn't worth or capable of more than just getting by. Don't be afraid to do what's best for you and your children....because obviously he is more than comfortable doing what he feels is in his best interest - pretty much nothing. As Harriet stated, you probably wouldn't approve of your daughters staying in this type of relationship, so why don't you value yourself enough to hold yourself to the same standard? You deserve just as much happiness and satisfaction in life that your feel your own children deserve. I know it may be hard, but from your post, you don't have any male children....and I would hate to see you waste your energy trying to raise a grown man. Prayer and encoragement is what he needs at this point in his life...but that doesn't mean in the meantime you don't have the right to live [happily].....(I'm just telling you what I've always wanted to say to my best friend in the exact same situation, except her man doeesn't even have a job)
  9. LaKeysha Thursday - 05 / 03 / 2009 Reply
    Its definately a little complicated. There are so many variables that you really must consider... Has he always had steady employment? Is it the amount of money he makes (w/o the benefit of a diploma) that is the problem?-meaning would you feel the same if he brought home $70,000? Or is it that you want him to be something more than what he is? Is he a Good man otherwise? Whats his perspective? I had a similar struggle with my husband. I have a master's degree and he has only a couple college credits (no longer pursuing). In my family education is supper important and most of us have college degrees. But I had to realize that his family is different. His is full of entrepeneurs and his parents themselves own three businesses without ever having set foot in a college so a degree is not as important to him as it is to me. Bottom Line: only YOU know your man. So consider all variables before making a permanant decision.
  10. LaKeysha Thursday - 05 / 03 / 2009 Reply
    YOu also must acknowledge that it may be fear holding him back. The GED is no easy test and someone who has been out of school for a long time (especially if they perhaps were not A students while there) may be intimidated about going back. Of course I doubt he would tell you that he's scared but... Tell him the Bill Cosby had to get a GED and a bunch of other very famous people if thats whats holding him back.
  11. rawdawgbuffalo Thursday - 05 / 03 / 2009 Reply
    only we know when it is time to go
  12. Sasha Thursday - 05 / 03 / 2009 Reply
    I agree that only YOU really know your man...it just sounds like you don't really respect him, and if you don't respect him, it is next to impossible to truly trust him with your heart and your aspirations.
  13. So.CaliSister Thursday - 05 / 03 / 2009 Reply
    I have been going through this myself, w/o kids. My companion didn't start acting like he gave a you know what until one day I told him to put himself in my shoes and "be me" so he could get the chance to see my perspective of him, and how I feel, with the responsibilities and goals I have - WITH my personality. At first, he looked shocked, like, why the he** would you think I would want to be you? Then when I told him I was serious, go on and do it, he vehemenently refused for about a half hour, but I was determined to get him to feel me. I told him if he didn't do it, then that was letting me know he would never understand my plight in our relationship, and he would always be able to take advantage of my life. He didn't like the way that made him look, so he did it. He HATED being me. He would step outside of the roleplay every few seconds, because he just couldn't stand the pressure and responsibilities of what it was like being his woman, and feeling it. After roleplaying each other for about an hour, he understood my goals better, and why I wanted them. I found out how easy it was being him, and why he always starts stuff - he has a very creative mind so he gets bored easily, but he has low self esteem from things that made him cry on the inside growing up. Bad father-son relationship, split parents, preferential treatment of the stepkids, asthma-so he couldn't play sports, lack of financial support to take on hobbies as a kid-you name it. I told him if he thought his disability checks that paid the rent was good enough for me, and he thought he could lay around all day doing nothing, he could get the f*** out from around me, 'cause I didn't need any help messing up my grades (I went back to college) being distracted from his bs, and if he didn't know how to do anything else in this world but eat, sleep, drink, smoke, talk s###, and do things that were literally making me sick, did he know how to PACK? Could he at least do that? I brought him a very large suitcase and told him I wanted him to start putting his draws, socks, shirts, pants and shoes in it, so I could have some peace and quiet to focus on my goals, and I'd FIND some way to pay the rent. I didn't NEED his sorry rent money and lazy a## around me, being an evasion tactic specialist everyday of the week. Do you know this brother did an about face? Started cooking, cleaning, bringing home his schoolwork....? He's getting his H.S. Diploma. He's all in LOVE now...I'm fightin' him off, and I couldn't get this man to leave now until the day he die-he told me so himself. I still don't think I want to marry him, even after all these years, but we both feel the same way. We'll probably go our separate ways, but not until I can afford to, and he's emotionally ready to "let somebody else have me", as he puts it. He just don't know - I'm fenna be so single...I ain't having kids till I'm almost at menopause. I've been raising my mates ever since I started dating. I'm tired, and can't wait to be by myself again! I used to be so productive and happy, skinny and healthy. Whew! Maybe you should try what I did, and see if it works for y'all.
  14. Anna Thursday - 05 / 03 / 2009 Reply
    So.CaliSister, I cracked up at most of your comment. We can get our way and still not want was is in our face. I have to give you credit for getting him to "role play".
  15. Arlice Nichole Thursday - 05 / 03 / 2009 Reply
    Honey, I think your headed for a lifetime of struggle. Arlice Nicholes last blog post..5 $mart Moves To Make With Your Taxes
  16. Anna Sunday - 08 / 03 / 2009 Reply
    Most times we do no the answer to our own question.