Dear BMWK, Single Brother Needs Advice
Dear BMWK,
I need some advice. I am a single brother with 3 grown children (none live with me), ages 25, 21 and 20, one grandchild, and a great job and live by myself due to a out of town contract. I have always been interdependent and/or independent and have taken care of my family. I have been divorced for 7 years from the mother of our children after 16 years of marriage. I have been dating now for about 8 years. My BMW (Black Magic Women) is one with grace, kindness, integrity, and common courtesy. She is a woman of her word, socially conscious, and spiritually sensitive. She has goals, a job, a hobbies, a car, and her priorities in order. She must have some kind of future plans other than a job promotion, and must have had or has a good relationship with her dad and her mom!! She must be gracious and have more dignity than just pride in the way she expresses herself. She must be sensitive to my needs, be patient and understanding. Now, of course, I would reciprocate all these things and more to my woman and would not want any less given back.
This is my dilemma. I have dated women with homes, cars, hot looks and the money. But they fall short of having more honor and respect (in that order…loll) for me – outside the bedroom, or when I’m buying them something or taking them on exciting trips. Then, when I bring up my feelings about life – the purpose, social concerns, or moving forward in our journey in life in a holistic way, they say things like, “It don’t take all of that,” or “What more do you want brother?” or worst..”You think you are better than me”.
Now, I do also date women with children. I have met many single mothers. Their personalities were good and they could offer me a cozy, Bill Cosby-like family life…loll. But the honor and respect to allow me to be me was not there, and I felt my happiness would have been compromised.
Eventually, I met and began dating a BSPF. We began to talk and I have gotten to know her children (all 5 of them; from 17 to 7 years old, 2 teenagers {BOY & GIRL} and 3 younger boys.) They love her deeply. The children get along pretty well, at times…loll, especially with the trauma and drama they have had to endure in their life. This was due to their verbally and physically abusive absent father/husband. No problem there, (I came up with no father, so I can somewhat “feel” them…smile). Our chemistry is great; our conversation is ok. I moved in with her from my apartment to help her and her children out (she has always had a good job, but it wasn’t enough to meet the family budget.) Also, because we just wanted to be together…loll. She was a great help to me, as well, when I was in-between computer contract jobs while living there with her. So, I gave her my car and some of my furniture through that period…cause I had too much materialistic stuff anyway…and I can always get them again…loll. Plus, with that many children…another set of wheels and furniture wouldn’t hurt…smile.
Her children show me respect, most of the time…and it is great. She listens. She is attentive to most of my needs and I love her. She cooks for me. Helps me keep track of my children’s birthdays, and reminds me to call my mom, too. She and her children love to travel with me…and I take them many places. She tries to see that all of my needs are met. Dilemma. She is “married” to her church, and is overly protective at times with her children. Her only real goal is to get that elusive job promotion for more money. She doesn’t pursue any real hobbies or any other dreams. She wants to be with me and I want to be with her. But, I don’t want to step back into the same drought of being with a woman with only one real purpose, and no social or holistic goals for her life. Her children like me because of what I buy and the places I take them. And of course, they like what I do, and how I make their mom feel. But, they don’t love me. They are still, deep inside, waiting for that “dead beat” father to come back and “Save” them. I question if we could have a real fulfilled future with them and if we could ever be “grafted” together. I don’t like feeling like I am just the “stand-by father”…. I felt and still feel that way for 16 years with most of my natural children (but that’s another story.)
But, at the end of the day, she offers me most of her in ways I could only imagine, and I feel that when I am with her she keeps hope in me. She gives me hope that maybe she can be that ideal women…one day…the complete package inside as well as outside. I want a woman that has a nice car and a job, goals and a social and spiritual consciousness – one that could exist with me in an interdependent and interconnected way. But what I find is that the women that have come into my life are more concerned with what I can do for them (and their children), than who I really am…my essence, my spirit. And at the end of the day, I feel more LIKE an image of THE MAN… and not a unique individual that is a man.
Is there a woman out there that has all the qualities that I desire that can love me for just being me and not so much for what I can do for them? Or do I have to settle for this women who I love and continue as if this is as good as it gets, and possibly have animosity about it later?
HIS VIEW:
This one is a little tougher than last weeks although it has some similarities. I hate to hear someone say that they have to settle for someone and to think they may be unhappy with their choice down the line. If that’s the case then you definitely should really think about your future with this woman especially since she has children and the actions that the both of you take affect them as well as the two of you. But unlike last week this woman seems like she has a lot going on for herself and some of the things that you named to me seem like they may just be a byproduct of her being a single mother to five children. Since the two of you aren’t married I can’t fault her on being focused on getting that next promotion or being overly protective because the reality of it is you could roll out tomorrow and she’ll still have 5 kids to take care of. (I always tell people living together is not the same as being married for exactly that reason).
In your letter you didn’t say how long you’ve been together but over time some of this may change if she thinks you’re definitely in it for the long haul and as her protective wall starts to come down. As for the kids that is just how they roll especially if they are older. As a stepdad myself I realize no matter how poor a kids biological father is they still hold a spot for them but that shouldn’t stop you from being who you are. And buying things for kids is overrated, I had a single parent mother and whenever someone did that for me I thought they were a joker for trying to buy me over. To wrap it up I think some of the things you’re talking about just take time in the situation that you’re in. How important to you are these things on your list that you say she’s missing? Don’t settle by any means but also don’t forget that you never miss a good thing till it’s gone.
HER VIEW:
I agree with Lamar and since the post and his comment were long I won’t add much but I think you just have to really assess your list and compare it against your woman and ask yourself how important are the remaining things on your list that she doesn’t have. Are they deal breakers? Will she change in any regard as your relationship develops.
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