Til Death Do Us Part….Or once I’ve had enough?

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by Lamar Tyler | on March 6th, 2009 | 13 comments

I often find myself wondering what does it really mean and require to commitment to someone, “Til death do [us] part”. Aside from the literal interpretation, along with my obvious plans to fulfill this obligation starting October 24th, I have to admit I feel a big lump forming in my throat whenever I ponder this question internally. As I’ve shared in the past, I come from a lineage (and existence) where marriage wasn’t/isn’t common. I’ve seen many relationships fade over the years and people re-marry as if the first time around was just a trial run. Still to this day, I find myself in awe every time I look down at my engagement ring. Not because my fiancé so graciously proposed with the rock I desired, but that there is another human being on this earth willing to commit to ME before God eternally. I find that gesture in and of itself amazingly beautiful as I recap all the reasons he could have and should have fled years ago. At 19 years old I my met my match, never realizing I was beginning a journey of everlasting love.

But the issue at hand has to do with my view on whether love and longevity truly correlate. I intentionally omitted marriage because the act itself stands on the foundation of permanence. Though I’ve never done it, I’ve always wanted to ask a divorcee (or divorce’) how they came to the conclusion that enough was enough and it was indeed time to move on with their life sans their spouse. Other than major offenses such as abuse or infidelity (and to my [limited] knowledge, the bible only addresses the latter), how does a couple, once blissfully in love, decide to call it quits – and for some, it seems, so easily? What is an example of an irreconcilable difference anyway?

After many references to the movie “Fireproof”, I decided to purchase it – and it was worth every penny and 2 hours of viewing! Without spoiling the movie for those who’ve yet had the chance to receive its message, I found myself inspired to never succumb to the pressure of throwing in the towel. I’m a realist at heart and the fact that I have [tried] to mentally prepare myself for the future storms I’ve been “warned” are sure to come, I’m also looking forward to putting in the work necessary to keep love alive and not just my marriage afloat. Knowing our human nature causes us to change with the seasons, I find myself focusing on what brought us together and made me fall in love to get through the hard times in the past and plan to continually cling to it as a reminder that no season last forever.

For those who’ve divorced, do you ever reminisce and realize (or wonder if) you could have or should have done more? How does one decipher between being too passive versus not being flexible enough (meaning have you ever felt you weren’t receiving all you deserved from your partner and had to decide was it worth dealing with versus moving on)?

Check back regularly as we chronicle Jonesi’s trip to the alter here on blackandmarriedwithkids.com!

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

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Comments (13)

Charm Friday - 06 / 03 / 2009 Reply

As a divorced woman, I don't think anyone will need to tell you when you've had enough. Trust me...you will know. I don't view my decision to end my marriage as "throwing in the towel". I view it as a rebirth. For years I worked full-time, was the primary caretaker of the children, and took care of the house. My ex-husband traveled extensively for work. I didn't feel I was a priority with him. After sometimes 10 days on the road for work, one would think the first place he would head to would be his home to see how wifey and the kids are holding up. This was not the case. The bar was always his first stop. Hanging with the boys was priority. I voiced my displeasure and anger for years. But after a while I realized he is who he is and there is nothing I could do or say to make him want to cherish and value me as his wife and the mother of his children. This my dear is an example of an irreconcilable difference. He never grew into the role of husband and father. He only knew how to be a financial provider. I did this for almost 10 years. I reached that milestone birthday of the big 4-0 and asked myself if I wanted to spend another 10 years of my life not feeling valued or appreciated. For me the answer was no. I witnessed on a daily basis, a co-worker well into her 50's complain about her husband and I knew I didn't want to be 50 years old having the same issues as we had at 30 and 40. My childre were all under the age of 10 when I became a born again woman. I didn't want my son to grow up believing that all there is to being a husband and father is to pay the bills and I certainly didn't want my daughters to believe that this what should be expected of a marriage. Do I think I could have done more? Not alone I couldn't. It takes two.
Jonesi Friday - 06 / 03 / 2009 Reply

Ms. Charm, I appreciate you sharing that. I've always wondered what kind of situation, besides abuse or infidelity, couldn't be fixed with patience and prayer. But you brought the true issue to the forefront - if both parties aren't committed to the change that needs to take place...welp there goes your irreconcilable difference I see. Nonetheless, I am still a believer in the power of prayer above all things :-)
Ronnie Friday - 06 / 03 / 2009 Reply

Thanks for sharing Jonesi. I need to check out the movie Fireproof. You definitely have the right attitude going into this.
china1126 Friday - 06 / 03 / 2009 Reply

Today I watchd the movie Fireproof, and I do agree that it is worth the two hours. I am in the stagnant motion of divorce and I can agree with both comments. It just angers me on my childrens behalf as well as my own, how easy men can and do just walk away. there are truly instance that it is in the best intrest of parties involved to just walk away.
elle denise Saturday - 07 / 03 / 2009 Reply

Good stuff, Jonesi!... I'm not married (or divorced) & often wonder the same. As an event/wedding planner, I hear so many couples "OOH & AHH" at the idea of marriage. Just the idea, not the "other stuff". I don't think people realize the work that it takes to MAINTAIN the relationship, once the vows have been exchanged, the cake is gone, the Honeymoon pictures have been developed & the gift cards are all used up. Its almost fascinating/scary. Best wishes on your journey :-) elle denises last blog post..Family Fun: 100 Free Things to Do with Your (Grand)Kids!
Anna Saturday - 07 / 03 / 2009 Reply

I hesitated to commet. You can still love someone from afar and walk away. You can just simply "out grow" a person I have mentioned before "what you want at 18 is not what you are going to want at 25. I don't want a marriage/relationship on auto pilot.
Teems Saturday - 07 / 03 / 2009 Reply

Wow a friend and I JUST had this conversation yesterday. Someone else we knew had a big ol destination wedding and then divorced ONE MONTH later. In that case, there was obviously little effort done to maintain the relationship. Going into my marriage, I don't see divorce as an option. Even if what I want changes in ten years. I trust that the effort will be made on both sides in order grow together and not apart.
MissJay Saturday - 07 / 03 / 2009 Reply

This is a very deep question/thought and I appreciate the topic being brought up. @Charm thanks for clearing that up. My parents divorced because my father had a drug problem that took him away from his family. Glad that now that is all over and he has been clean and sober for years. But in the mean time their lives have changed and there's no going back to their marriage. That would be another reason besides adultry or abuse. Unless you count substance abuse as the abuse in this situation.
Michael Saturday - 07 / 03 / 2009 Reply

Hi, Jonesi, I think you raise some important questions. I've never been divorced, but came very close to it once (as in pulled out of the divorce proceedings at the very last minute). My reason for pursuing the divorce was because of irreconcilable differences - frustration over some issues, feeling like we had grown in different directions, and because the love didn't seem to be there anymore. So I understand the reasons provided here about why some people divorced. Personally, I'm glad that I decided to stick it through - because the best years were still to come. The thing that you need to understand is that marriage is challenging. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. Oftentimes while tackling a difficult challenge, we reach this point where things are much harder than we ever anticipated they could be. At that point, it's natural to want to give up - to say "this is not what I signed up for." And it's true, at some points it will become harder than you can imagine. But if you stick it through and try to make things work, there can be times when the rewards are also much greater than you can imagine. So great in fact, as to make all the effort WELL worth it. If you aspire to achieve something great - you should expect to give it everything you've got. Don't sign up for the Olympic tryouts if all you want to do is run a few pleasant laps around the track. Marriage takes work, humility, courage, determination, endurance, dedication and a willingness to become a better person. Mistakes will be made, feelings will be hurt, and there will be days when you want to throw in the towel. But if you intend to win the gold, you know better than to give up. The statics say it all. Studies on longevity and happiness show that married people live longer and are happier on average. Single people are next on the list. But statically, people who divorce lose years on their life, and are less happy than even single people. I think it's difficult to fully recover after giving up on your heart's dream. My advice: be prepared to work your ass off, and keep your eyes on the gold! Michaels last blog post..The Love Letter
Trueman1000 Thursday - 19 / 03 / 2009 Reply

If two people are willing to work it out and keep God in the fore front anything is possible. However, when one (or both) people don't want to work at it the marraige is as good as dead. I am a recent divorcee and I know I made mistakes but my ex-wife never owned up to any of her mistakes. In her mind the only problem was ME and once she was divorced all her problems would end. She now realizes that is not the case. All you can do is try your best and agree to work through ANYTHING and with God's help all things are possible! Peple shouldn't see divorce as a first or last option....divorce should be NO OPTION.
rj Wednesday - 27 / 05 / 2009 Reply

When I decided to walk away at that point I knew I had done all that I could. It is hard to be in a marriage with someone who is constantly putting themselves first. The emptiness I felt was not worth staying it was way past time to go. I have no regrets I did what was right for me and my children.
JD Wednesday - 29 / 07 / 2009 Reply

I;m a wife of 15 years and mother of a eleven and two year old. I do most of the caring for the children ( doctor appts, work in child care full time to have my children close, spend time with them, etc ), do most of the housework and yardwork. My husband works full time and when he gets home he disappears on the computer or has plans outside the home or watches TV. He seems disinterested in the children and at times is short tempered with them. I try to keep them out of his hair but while trying to rcare for my family and my other responsibilities I feel like I'm dying inside. I cry often, am depressed, and stressed. I've let myself go and eat emotionally. I have no support so I don't get a break for myself to even regroup. I often wonder if I'm living the life of a single parent, why am I married. I just can't physicaaly or emotionally keep up with this life I'm living. JD
LA Momma of 2 Wednesday - 29 / 07 / 2009 Reply

**Personally, I’m glad that I decided to stick it through - because the best years were still to come.** I feel this sentiment hit home with me. After a devastating turn of events 6 years into my marriage, we decided that we were going to work together to get this back on track. After dealing with something that you thought you'd NEVER go thru or put up with, you realize what's important. I have my friend and partner and our days are filled with love and laughter. All the other stuff is hard(believe me after 13 years I know) but.................its soooo worth it!