5 Reasons Why Some Relationships Don’t Work

Relationships

by Lamar Tyler | on April 3rd, 2009 | 7 comments

by Linda Dominique Grosvenor

Your love affair started of perfect. It was just like the movies. He called you, you dined at quaint little out of the way restaurants, you traveled together and built memories that you thought would last forever–now you’re single again. You may be sabotaging your own relationships and not even know it. This New Year it’s time to get off the relationship hamster wheel. Here are the top 5 reasons that relationships don’t work.

You wake up and realize you don’t have anything in common. Love while it can be energetic and romantic in the very beginning, it still has to be fed with commonalities for it to grow and thrive. You need to have more than just a thing or two in common to forge ahead and make a relationship last. Many people discard the need to have things in common and then they soon realize that after they’re together for ten years that they don’t even like the same kinds of foods or television shows. This can disrupt lives. Small things foster togetherness. Learn where your partner would like to one day travel, what their idea of relaxation truly is as well as what kind of books you both like to read. Your common trends are the framework of your relationship.

Individuals in relationships latch on to whoever they’re with and become co-dependent instead of discovering their own worth and embracing their singlehood before finding a partner. A partner should enhance who you are as a person not replace who you are as a person. Many people distort this principle. All couples should have a bevy of things that they like to do together, or places they enjoy going, but they should have individual interests as well, so, they don’t smother each other and extinguish the fire.

Sometimes people in a relationship have unresolved issues. These unresolved issues are normally with someone from their past, an ex-wife or ex-boyfriend and a partner can idealize the ex or harbor anger or resentment towards them and hold the new mate to an unfair standard—a standard that they can never meet or displace that unresolved anger onto them. The wise thing to do is to fully resolve your past before you move forward in the future and seek out a new relationship. This gives your new relationship you’re in a fighting chance.

You are disrespecting someone else’s relationship. Many people in relationships may knowingly or unknowingly display improper behavior for someone who is in a relationship or allow people they know are in a relationship to relate inappropriately to them. Whether it’s bankrolling your opposite sex co-worker’s coffee and muffin every morning from the husband and wife joint bank account or using terms of endearment even playfully with someone you’re “not” in a relationship with, the rule is, if you want to keep your relationship intact, draw boundaries and don’t allow anybody to cross the line no matter how friendly you’ve become with them. If you introduce behavior like that in someone else’s relationship, then you are opening the door to it in your own relationship. Many relationships have fallen apart over much less.

Jealousy and Insecurity ruins hundreds of thousands of relationship every year. This is where getting in touch with yourself before you couple up and get into a relationship should be mandatory. You should be whole and appreciative of yourself and know your self-worth before you come into a relationship. It shouldn’t fall on your partner to boost your self-esteem and stroke your ego. It’s unfair and can become a nuisance. But on the flipside, if the jealousy and insecurity is warranted because his or her co-worker or friend is disrespecting your relationship, you have a right to feel what you feel and their job is to handle it so you no longer feel that way. Get a grip on jealousy, but learn to also put friends in their place even if it hurts their feelings, and that will let your love thrive, flourish, grow.

Linda Dominique Grosvenor has made her foray into non-fiction with the bestseller The Plural Thing: Spiritually Preparing for Your Soul Mate. Her expertise on dating and relationship issues has been used in articles for publications such as Modern Bride, Jolie, Jewel, Honey and MORE Magazine. A tireless advocate Grosvenor is also the co-founder of the Love Better Camp a non-profit organization that is dedicated to aiding individuals and families in learning to love better, which can improve their overall quality of life. Log on and visit her official website at www.ThePluralThing.com.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

Anna

I tried to hightlight a couple of things in your post, but as I read it again the whole post is so true. But you already knew that. LOL. Great post.
cheryl

Oh, my Goodness, this was right on point with what I have been going through with my marriage of 15 years. I have boundaries but he doesn’t which has put a huge hole in our marriage. He has relationships with female friends that turn out to be inappropriate and I would step in because of the disrespect to our marriage. The insecurity and jealously arose because he would flirt in front of me and act like it was ok. He wouldn’t want me to wear my makeup or my half wigs, braids or ponytails, but he would look at women with it. I realized that he is very insecure and he tries to make it seem like me. He stated that if I would listen to him take his advice then those other women would not have been there? That was an excuse and I know it,but you live, you learn and you grow together or move on.
Anna

@ cheryl
He wouldn’t want me to wear my makeup or my half wigs, braids or ponytails, but he would look at women with it. I realized that he is very insecure and he tries to make it seem like me. He stated that if I would listen to him take his advice then those other women would not have been there?
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BS, Your husband does not want you to attract other men.(or women) lol. In his eyes you are beautiful to him and he can’t handle others looking at you the way he does other women.
It may be 15 yrs. later but did you wear your (bought)hair that way when you first met? Men don’t realize that the majority of women are keeping themselves up for themselves or to out do other womem. Yes some are keeping themselves up to get a man because they are single with 5 kids to feed. If you “caught” the man with “what you see is what you get”, he is not expecting you to change now.
cheryl

lolo yes he is lolo, only because he doesn’t want me getting attention while he is giving attention to the other women lolo. It didn’t work, I guess he thought that if I wore my own hair I would be less attractive? he claims because it’s fake and I’m being fake for wearing the hair, the makeup and or the nails. But yet he knew this about me 15 years ago, my style changes but mot my confidence level. THe funny thing is he doesn’t want a divorce which he can have so he can be free to do all that he needs to do, but he will pay to play lolo.
http://www.ThePluralThing.com Linda Princess Dominique Grosvenor

Anna thanks for your feedback. Experience made me a teacher. Trust me I’ve been through it. That’s what prompted me to start ThePluralThing.com and write the book.

Cheryl, I pray that he opens his eyes to what he has before he loses it. I hate to hear of people breaking up but both men and women need to understand, flirt, those pet names (honey, baby, sugar) and other forms of affection are for your spouse and nobody else.

Linda Princess Dominique Grosvenors last blog post..Kendra is now a member of The Plural Thing: Spiritually Preparing for Your Soul Mate
http://www.socre8eve.com Eve

As usual Linda, you are right on point and I know these reasons all too well. Thanks for sharing your knowledge…you rock!!

Eves last blog post..Ferris Wheel
Miss Michele

OH My Goodness! You ladies are really talking about me and my husband. I had to let him know as well about being so personal with other women. When we first got together, we could be (anywhere)family dollar and the young lady at the register he’d be like hey lady, or thanks Baby-girl, and I’d be like, Do you know her? He’d say know why I’d be like why are you so personal with people? He said that’s just me being nice. I had to let him know that some women dont like that and I definitely don’t. It took him a while but he just says HI, Mam now. LOL!
I am currently in the middle of reading this book from REV RUN and Justine, called Taking our family back. They talk about how important it is to keep any open space away from your relationship b/c negativity is always around.