Rock Steady, Baby

Relationships

by Lamar Tyler | on April 6th, 2009 | 12 comments

By Tara Pringle Jefferson

In any marriage, there are the highs and the lows. Highs can be on your wedding day, the birth of your first child, the fact that he bought you flowers out of the blue or she treated you to a hot oil massage without you having to beg, er, ask.

The lows can be your first big fight, the nights you spent up crying because there was a conflict and you didn’t know how to resolve it, different work schedules, etc.

Typically young love is very extreme. You’re either madly in love, bestowing cutesy nicknames on each other, or you’re in a verbal deathmatch, determined to keep arguing and fighting until you’re the only one left standing. The relationship meter is always either at 10 (I wanna marry you) or 0 (I’m gonna kill you). There’s really no in-between.

But when love matures and develops between two people who really “get” each other, most of your time together should be steady. Your relationship meter should be at 5, with most days a range between 8-3. Occasionally, there will be a day when every interaction is at 0 and you need to move away from all heavy objects before someone gets hurt. And you’ll have your share of days when you’re at 10 and you spend all day in bed together talking about, “I love you more…No, I love you more.”

But I believe (and this is just my opinion) that a marriage that’s always switching from one extreme to the other (while it may be passionate), it’s not always the stuff of lasting love. For some people, when the sparks stop flying and the relationship settles into the middle zone, they get nervous. Antsy. Wondering where the love went. Newsflash: The love didn’t go anywhere. It just matured.

But don’t confuse a steady marriage with a dull one. When you feel like you are more like college roommates, then it might be a dull marriage. But if you feel comfortable with each other to just “be,” then it’s just steady, baby.

BMWK readers, where does you marriage rank on the relationship meter? Are you all constant hitting 1, 2, 3, or are you two always reaching for 10?

Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer from Ohio, where she lives with her husband and two kids. Visit her blog, TheYoungMommyLife.com, for daily musings about the issues young moms face.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

Harriet

i think we’re right between that young love extreme mess and calming down into more steady waters. for the past year, we’ve been at a steady 6, enjoying one another and allowing things to roll off our shoulders. This weekend we hit a 2-3 patch that’s going to take some time to resolve. I don’t think it will take nearly as long as it used to to resolve.
LATISHA

My hudband is gone alot on the weekends with his friends and I sometimes feel as if he really does not consider my feelings. I have 3 children ages 4,6 and 12. I work 12 hr days 5-6 days a week. When I am home on the weekends I would like to be spoiled a little bit. Somehow I think that our marriage is a 3-4 most days. On a very rare occasion it may be a 8-10 only if I do something to make it that. I really don’t know what to do at this point. We have discuss it on numerous occasions and nothing has changed.
CartersMom

Our marriage is basically a 7, we are more in love with each other, we have disagreements but no fights.
http://www.scritchandscratch.com/blog VEe!

I’ve often heard many people that more to a relationship than steadiness. The push and pull and the extremes between a 2 and 8 really excites some people. They may need a verbal deathmatch because that is the way they know how to relate. Ever heard some one say that you don’t really love some one if you don’t have heated arguments? Note, heated arguments can really mean anything between shouting, cursing, screaming, etc. I don’t subscribe to that traing of thought.

I would much rather be. Reaching for 8-9, hanging steady at 6-7.

VEe!s last blog post..Go DJ
http://www.scritchandscratch.com/blog VEe!

Ooops, I’m getting really lazy.
“I’ve often heard many people want more in a relationship than steadiness.”

VEe!s last blog post..Go DJ
Shajmil

I can relate, my husband and I have two kids (2 and 4), and this is definitely a dry period in our 9 year marriage. We are trying to recognize it for a phase in our life and move past it, but it’s a bit scary to look at your life and wonder how you reached the point of feeling like roommates or business partners.
http://theyoungmommylife.com Tara Pringle Jefferson

@Latisha – Have you two trying scheduling something together for just the two of you? Something like dinner at a new restaurant, catching a movie, biking, playing tennis, anything? During the weekend let him know how much you enjoy spending time together…I know it’s not easy, especially when you feel you are putting in more effort than he is. Hang in there!

Tara Pringle Jeffersons last blog post..What the heck is a playdate?
Dr DO rIGHT

Hello! Everybody I am the DOC in the house to help you all to solve your problems.Let me say first far most I’ve been there in all situation that happens in a relationship. I’ve 12 years experince in helping others but unless your spouse is a whore.I am about to tell you the truth about bringing the fun in and keeping it in the relationship.Ladies please! understand; that no! man likes the same thing everyday and thats why? hes spends his time elsewhere because its become rutine the same old’d same old’d etc; you get it?.We as people has gotten away from talking and listening to one another.Remember! when we first got together it use to be fun now we hardly speak to one another so; what happpen.
Anna

Dr DO rIGHT said:
Hello! Everybody I am the DOC in the house to help you all to solve your problems.Let me say first far most I’ve been there in all situation that happens in a relationship. I’ve 12 years experince in helping others but unless your spouse is a whore.I am about to tell you the truth about bringing the fun in and keeping it in the relationship.Ladies please! understand; that no! man likes the same thing everyday and thats why? hes spends his time elsewhere because its become rutine the same old’d same old’d etc;
~~~~~~~~~~~
“No man likes the same thing everyday”, I guess we women want the same changing of diapers, spit up, potty training and coming home to a house that our husband is AWOL because he can’t handlle our situation. Last time I checked, women don’t get married or choose or not choose but have a child by themselves but with their husband. Kids happen. It only takes a woman to keep the excitement in a relationship but what is the mans role to you?. Am I to come home from my 9-5 and make sure my makeup is on point and my heels shapened with my nails long and painted the color you want for your pleasure, while I am only suppose to be here to satisify your needs and neglect and ignore the fact that you only want me and don’t want to help with the kids?
My comment is only because many in the room have small chidren.
Women don’t want the same thing everyday either. We want to know that you hired a sitter for the night so we can go out. Or hired a sitter to watch the kids in a different room of our home for an hour or two so we can have a romantic meal and tune out the kids because the kids are not far away but entertained without disruptions for “our date”. DOC with all due respect, either you have never been married, had kids you lived with or have 12 years of experience that does not work in your “Doc career anymore” or just forgot to get your continuing education courses that the state requires every 2 years. You are so out of touch. DOC, thanks for my giggle of the night. I needed a good laugh after the past few days I have experienced. Isn’t DOC backwards for “Child Of Democracy”? LOL. Women and men do want the same thing. “TIME”, we all want to know we matter to the ones we love. Time/ life is shorter than we think.
http://www.scritchandscratch.com/blog VEe

Anna,
Hilarious reply and on point.

VEes last blog post..Michelle Obama Got . . . WHAT?!!?
http://ambitionzazawriter.izfree.com/wordpress/ MDUBB

My marriage was a down right 2, we didn’t argue to much but even that bit of communication would have been good when you pretty much walking around in silence.

MDUBBs last blog post..Confusion 101
Shajmil

@Anna,
Thanks! My sentiments exactly! Both people must be willing to make an effort…

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