Dear BMWK, I Date Outside My Race Because of Politics

Dear BMWK

by Lamar Tyler | on April 13th, 2009 | 28 comments

DearBMWK,

I have a question is it wrong not to date your race because of Political difference I’m a black man and I’m a Republican and as it stands. I thinks its a bad idea to date in my race cause most of yall are Democrats please respond just want to know your opinion i just interested in knowing your thoughts on this.

BMWK family, we’ll let you chime in on this one. Please give this reader your thoughts.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

http://theyoungmommylife.com Tara Pringle Jefferson

Hmmm. You are right, many (most?) black women are Democrats. But there are some who get down with the Republican party. Politics is a tricky subject and can cause all types of issues in a relationship if your views don’t mesh well.

That being said, it seems as though having politics in common is #1 on your list for potential mates, instead of, say, having similar ideas about finances, family life, morals, etc. If that’s true, then you have to do what makes sense for you. But don’t write off all black women because you think they’re all democrat. You never know, you might mess around and skip over the next Condi Rice. LOL.

Tara Pringle Jeffersons last blog post..Ten Long Months…
…

Yeah, dude you’ll have much better luck dating outside your race.
ewok

I agree with ‘….’

You might also want to try specific networking websites that cater to your interests. The black Republican women I know have already hooked up and married a white guy.
Anonymous

Gone to the other side brotha…We(black women)won’t even miss you!!
Buh Bye!
http://www.blackwivesclub.wordpress.com Tiya

I would have to agree with Tara. It really does depend on your priorities in a mate. If them being a republican is #1 and that’s what you’re looking for then go for it. You may be surprised that woman may come in any race (including African-American). But that is your preference, there’s nothing wrong with your preference. To each his own.

Tiyas last blog post..Reconnecting
http://blackandmarriedwithkids.com Ronnie

when you said “yall” are democrats..it made me think that you dated outside of your race because you have issues with dating black women and that you are hiding behind this republican thing…but I don’t know you..so that may not be the case. I don’t know why that word yall jumped out at me….

I would just have to say that there are some black women that are republicans (not many)…..have you ever tried dating them or joining an organization or social group with black republicans so that you are able to find a black woman republican?

people with different political beliefs meet and marry all of the time. is your political preference really at the top of your list for a potential mate. What about a black woman that is a democrat and that is pro-life for instance..and that could possibly have some of your same values..would you exclude her because she was a democrat?

Ronnies last blog post..Saudi Judge Refuses to Annul 8-Year-Old’s Marriage
Harriet

@ ronnie

you took the words right out of my mouth!

personally, i vote the issues. i haven’t seen a republican i agree with 100%, and the same vice versa on the democrat side.

the letter writer’s generalization gave me pause, though. i think there may be some deeper issues there.
Harriet

just an addendum to my last statement:

i think the stigma in the African American community at large about black men dating women that are of a different ethnicity is some bull, for lack of a better term.

here’s my thing to the writer of the letter: if you are more attracted to women that are not black, please don’t hide behind politics as your reasoning. if you like “other,” just say that. no one can control that but you, and no one can judge your preferences, either.

but if politics truly is the main priority for you in women you choose to date, but you desire to date a black woman, like ronnie said, the seeker finds. you can find what you’re looking for. i just don’t think there’s any reason for you to delude yourself in terms of your preferences in women, and i hope that’s not what you’re doing.
kmh20s

the only bone i have to pick with black men who date outside of their race is the fact that so often they claim to date outside of their race because of something that all black woman don’t do, but that all white women do.

i’ve heard men says they date white women because black women are too dominant (instead of saying they prefer a woman who is more submissive) or that black women are all overweight (instead of saying they prefer a woman who is more in shape).

i am guessing that if you called Michael Steele or JT Harris or even Condi Rice, they might have just the sista for you! (smile)

if politics are important to you (which it sounds like they are), then you have every right to find someone (black or white) who shares your passion!
Lisa L.

Maria Shriver and Arnold Schwarzenegger didn’t let their political differences stop them, and they’re of the same race, as we all know.

I suspect also, that there are a lot of other (same race/ethnic group) couples with conflicting political views who have managed to find true love despite it.

It would be different (maybe), if you said you are looking to date outside of your race because of the negative experiences you’ve had with black female democrats.

Sounds to me like an excuse. But who are you really trying to convince?
http://www.mrkingjames.blogspot.com King James

You all are overboard…

I say ‘yall’ too.. and I love black skin and black booty! (just threw that in)

But is it wrong? naw… do you young man. Some women won’t date a man shorter than them and it doesn’t mean that height is at the top of their priority list. I don’t want a women who can’t cook well, yet its not my first factor.

At the end of the day.. Be happy without hurting others…

King Jamess last blog post..Thank God that Easter is gone!
http://www.mrkingjames.blogspot.com King James

Besides most people dont know enough aobut politics to tell you why they are one side or the other… outside of “Most blacks are Dem and most whites are Rep”

Who even knows if that is true…?
dana111

There ARE black female conservatives out there (I am one of them)! I do find it more difficult to primarily date black men because of my politics, but there are plenty of white liberals out there that I disagree with as well. So, one’s politics should not be an excuse as to why you only date white women. I know plenty of black women who are both socially and fiscally conservative, so don’t completely lose hope!
Anna

Many ppl may choose to date outside of their race for various reasons. I am not buying or renting that “politics” plays a role in ones decision. To me our last presidental election proved that ppl can think outside the box of what their political “rearing/choosing or being molded chose them to be? I know many “White Republicans” who voted “Democrat”. I never heard of a engagement or a wedding ending because both did share the same ‘political party”. If a person is specifically looking for a certain visual feature(skin color, body weight or height) that is a preference. If one has a list of questions to ask a person on a first date and one question is “What political party do you support, how many times have you passed up a compatiable mate? If I wanted someone like me I would have cloned myself in a male version. LOL. If you have everything in common with your mate/spouse, what can you come home to at the end of the day to talk about and experinece/learn with an open mind from the other person? I am not a Robo spouse.
ewok

@ Anna. Could not have said it better myself!
http://joeblessing.wordpress.com joe blessing

It’s not the Repub versus Dem thing. Both are placeholders for a certain set of values. Here’s the wrinkle for us as blacks. 80% Of our values, the values of blacks in terms of how we conduct our lives, and within our churches, are Republican values. As a people we do not really like or agree with the values of the Democrats all that often. Most of us just don’t follow our values into the voting booth. Which is frustrating for me as a conservative. Most of us believe in God, most of us do agree with limits on abortion, blacks HATE letting go of our money-so when I talk to individuals they don’t like high taxes. But too many of us think black republicans are confused or traitors to their race, or have no values. (I would argue that actually we’re the ones keeping inline with our values, but that’s another argument for another board)

So I think you are confronting a hard truth. If it matters, if they like you enough you will be a novelty for a bit. You’ll hear things like, “I can believe I’m dating a Republic.” My ex’s family are all Dems, but because of me in her life she asked the right questions, and when the Dem answers did not add up or make practical sense, she went toward McCain. Does that mean she will vote Reo next time no. I have other people I know that I could never date because they will argue for the values of the Dems, and get mad when you put holes in what they say visa-vi their own life. My best friend, owns her own business, I tried to show her how the taxes would affect her business, and she shut down. I literally told her to call her CPA, and she still wouldn’t do it. When she finally had a meeting with him…she changed CPA’s. lol

If in their own lives they don’t live the values, then you are shrunk. You can’t do it. But remember, something even if everyone of us voted for Obama, he still would have gotten his but kicked if we were the only ones voting for him. What’s my point? There’s a WHOLE mess of liberal white girls out there. Just cause they white don’t make them Republicans. And in fact, there are more of them than of us. Remember that.

joe blessings last blog post..Collateral Damage
http://joeblessing.wordpress.com joe blessing

As an aside I have to say that I get real annoyed with sistas that have a problem with black men dating white women. Why? Cause I don’t see yaw getting on the backs of sitsta like Halle, Tina Turner, Kerry Washington, etc. Halle recently said in Essense, “I tried the brotha’s.” If that was someone like Denzel, yaw would have been like, “Like you dated every sista out there. YOu just picked the wrong ones” and it would have been a hue and cry in our community. But for Halle…nothing. So jump on the backs of some of your fellow sista’s like you do the brothas.

joe blessings last blog post..Collateral Damage
Kim Douglas

Dear Writer,

I am writing because for some reason I feel sorry for you. The reason is because you are quite simple minded to coin all African-American individuals with the “yall” term. I strongly feel that you have other issues that perhaps therapy may be of assistance for you. It appears to me that you have a much deeper issue with being black, instead of the political preference that you are hiding behind.

I also think that your political preference should rank much lower in your priorities than love.
http://selfra.blogspot.com Dantresomi

How about if she isn’t either a Dem or Repub…?

Most sisters I socialize with are third party supporters.

Dantresomis last blog post..
http://joeblessing.wordpress.com joe blessing

That is the best place to be in…independent. But they have to vote for someone, if it’s consistently Dem, they may be posing. I think as we get older, we might wish for a 3rd option so to speak, but our values will align with either Dem or Rep on most issues. Then what do you do? I’ll use the most decisive example I know of, abortion. I can roll with someone that says, “I believe a woman has the right and should have the option to abort if she’s been raped.” I can deal with that and agree. But if I have a woman I’m seeing and she believes she has the right no matter what, i.e. she wants to be able to abort at 8 months because a child is gonna her march up corporate America, I have a problem wit that. At that moment I cannot date her, or be with her, because her values are off for me.
http://joeblessing.wordpress.com joe blessing

Kim Douglas: I think you either may be missing the point here, or maybe just feel that way you to toward the writer because he is a Rep. I’m willing to bet every married person here can attest, love means nothing if you and your partner do not share the same values. It will NOT work, I don’t care how much you think you love the other person. So the writer is making a comment about values ahead of time, as opposed to dating and getting into a relationship with someone, and then seeing if their values can match. That’s the way most people do it, and may be why so many people get divorced.

The one thing I would say he is assuming is that Dem vs Rep. is a statement about a person’s values in of itself. That is probably true to a degree for many of other groups, but us blacks. I repeat, our values are mostly in line with the REb platform, but we vote Dem. And yes I’m generalizing because that’s the only way to write about something like this. I can’t very well account for all 30 million of us as individuals, but there are patterns and this is one of them. I think it is very possible for the writer to date a female that is Dem., and still has or lives the values espoused within the Rep. party.

joe blessings last blog post..Collateral Damage
Patra

Excuses, excuses…he wants to date outside his race, and he’s using politics to do it…please.
http://joeblessing.wordpress.com joe blessing

OK Patra. I’ll just put it out there. Halle Berry is just making excuses and has no business dating a white male.

Now, if you disagree, don’t dare get mad at any male for dating a woman for whatever reason he wants. Whether is making sure she has the same values as him, or because he believes certain rumours about things black women won’t do.

I’m being sarcastic to make a point here. Keep it consistent, on both sides. I really don’t see a different between his premise, and the premise of some sista’s dating white men, because of how they think they will treat them.

joe blessings last blog post..Acceptance is a journey
http://forthesistas.blogspot.com/ GT

I hope it’s okay with the blog owner if I post this:

For black women who are interested in dating outside their race, there is a blog that will be helpful for you called “For The Sistas.” It also has posts on dating for black Christian women. Some of the posts are a bit long, but they aren’t any longer than the cover story of a magazine article and I really do think they’ll be useful to you. The blog address is ForTheSistas (dot) blogspot (dot) com. By the way, the blog also has information on dating men from Europe.

Black women need to get off this black-man-only band wagon because, for too many, it obviously is not working. I’m not saying don’t date black men, just expand your options. Please forward this to other black women you know.
http://joeblessing.wordpress.com joe blessing

@GT I think personally that black women should date outside their race ONLY IF THEY NEVER BITCH ABOUT A BLACK MAN DATING A WHITE WOMAN EVER AGAIN. The halle berry hypocriticalness is astounding.

Having said that, how’s this as something to try. Date good black men. If you have a good black man, don’t leave for stipud crap and reasons, and things will work out for you just fine. Date men in the way Halle did/does, or like the characters in Waiting to Exhale, and all your relationship woes are your own damn fault.

joe blessings last blog post..I Pray
http://www.whyvisitafrica.com WhyVisitAfrica

I don’t have a problem with blacks dating outside of their race, but for the right reasons. If politics is your reason and your partner is aware that they are just a political decision and they are fine with it then go ahead. But be honest from the beginning about what you are looking for and what your reasons were. It’s healthy to be diverse and expose yourself to other cultures. This gives you an appreciation of your own culture and race.

WhyVisitAfrica.com

WhyVisitAfricas last blog post..Why do black women always justify abuse?
Jay’O

Hey,

I’m a Democrat and for me my values and beliefs are so strong I can’t imagine dating a republican. I see them as fearful, greedy, selfish, and bigoted warmongers. Sure this is a gross exaggeration, but I think the Republican party as a whole as proven this to be true and if a thinking person chooses to associate themselves with it, then they aren’t worth my time.

Having said that, I would say you should look for similarly minded women and if you’re lucky enough to find another Condi rice – congrats!

Maybe Black folks follow the Democratic party too faithfully and some probably do as a habit. Maybe there are some black women that are “fearful, greedy, selfish, and bigoted warmongers” you can shack up with.

But don’t get your hopes up about white, Hispanic or other raced women. They are at least 50% Democrats and don’t share the repub “values” mentioned above! Maybe instead of dissing Black ladies – you might do some soul searching about why you are a republican?

P.S. The most faithful group that follows the repubs are old white men – maybe that Senator from Idaho (senator Craig?) who likes hanging out in public bathrooms might like to met you?
joe blessing

JayO

That’s a load of crap. It’s the same load that Democrats have fooled people into thinking for yrs. 1st of all, most blacks live their personal lives based on republican values. If you go to church every week and are a believer, your values are republican. And how about this, MLK was a registered republican, is he a warmonger? No, he was not and he fought for the same things that conservatives fight for now. A level playing field, where an individual is the captain of their destiny. Democrats don’t do that, they fight for equality of results. IE if I start a business and become successful, and you decide to be a wage slave, or sit around and not better yourself, I still owe you something some how. If you think it’s selfish to want lower taxes because your family deserves your money more than the federal government, then send me a check.

Oh yeah Dem’s are open minded, as long as you are fine with people whatever they want. No judgments, no values. Respect the muslim religion, but its ok to diss Christians. Be open to gay marriage, but if you disagree they wish to punish you. Dissent is the best form of patriotism, unless you dissent with Obama, and then you’re a racist. Please Democrats are nothing more than hypercritical most of the time, and intellectually dishonest all of the time.

And before you talk about me being a lost brother or other such nonsense, let me remind you of something. It was Democrats ordering the hoses on those people during the civil rights marches. Not republican.