Role models

As a child of divorced parents I can definitely identify with my feelings and motivations towards romantic relationships being shaped by my parents marriage or lack thereof. I didn’t see a lot of love in the house. I didn’t see a lot of affection and I think that is why to this day I am not an affectionate person. I have an auto-defense mechanism which I think helps contribute to my “angry black woman syndrome.” I find it very challenging to to make relationships work while carrying the baggage of growing up in a home with a love-less marriage and eventual divorce. I would say if two parents love each other to make it work at all costs. Some people say you shouldn’t stay together for the kids but I say to that, “Aren’t your children worth it?” Not just staying together but making a relationship work for your children. However if the two parents don’t love each other it would definitely be more beneficial to the children to see happy parents who love them more than they hate each other.

My mom was a single parent and didn’t get married until after I was out of college. My husband’s parents, while still married, don’t have a relationship that either of us want to emmulate…

And yet, I’m not worried about our (future) children. When we got married a couple of years ago, our wedding photographer commented that we did a “nose thing” quite often (sort of an eskimo kiss prior to a real kiss… I know, TMI). But we were laughing last night, as we did the nose thing before heading our seperate ways for a little while. My husband asked if I thought we’d be doing it forever. My response was that we’d better! He then said to me, “you know, our kids are going to hate that when they’re teenagers. But they’ll hope for it when they’re older.”

And I couldn’t agree more. And it is those kinds of things that I hope our kids pick up… And that we’ve created on our own. Even not knowing good marriages close up when kids ourselves. Granted, we were “older” we met and married (for the midwest anyway); sometimes I think you learn how you want to behave in a relationship by watching others, sometimes you learn how you *don’t* want to act, and sometimes you just have to imagine the experience you want and create it for yourself. I can’t speak for every relationship, but in mine it would be far far harder for me to walk away than to work it out.

Okay, stepping off my soapbox now.

I’ve been married for 15 years and I have a 7 year old and a 3 month old. I had become so consummed with my husband’s betrayals and how damaging it was to our marriage and then I got a wake up call. My 7 year told me I was mean, mad and angry and didn’t love her, she stated that I was always yelling at her. I didn’t realize my relationship with her dad had truly impacted her self-esteem and the way she views herself. I decided to pull back emotionally from her father in order to save my daughters. He is only capable of being a “provider”, not a husband or a father I understand that now. I’ve decided to divorce him mentally and all that he does will no longer effect me or my child. I have asked GOD to remove my from this marriage is a healthy and safe way and to deliver me from the bondage of bitterness and anger and unforgiveness. My babies mean the world to me and it’s sad to have to leave a spouse to be able to give my girls what they need from their mother. He was never my bestfriend or my protector of the heart, so I must make the tough decision to leave, it’s hard because he is all I know, but then again the way I am is all my daughter knows and she and her baby sister is the one I have to protect now. I changed from calling myself the flower child not letting anything bother her to an out right anger, bitter, wife.