The Ring That Binds

Relationships

by Lamar Tyler | on April 29th, 2009 | 39 comments

by Eric Payne

While out to dinner with married friends my wife noticed that the husband was no longer wearing his wedding band and asked the obvious question, “So, you’re single now?”

He laughed and explained that he lost it during a vacation. When I asked when he would be replacing it he said he was not, proudly stating that he didn’t need a ring to know or prove that he was married and if he did something was wrong. His wife agreed. And there’s no denying he’s a great husband and provider. There was a brief silence at the table and before I could offer my two cents, my wife shot me a never-in-your-life look that froze time.

Ladies what would you expect if your husband lost his ring?

Eric Payne lives with his wife and kids just outside of New York City and writes about married life and fatherhood at MakesMeWannaHoller.com. He also writes a fatherhood column at MochaManual.com. He is the author of I See Through Eyes, a book of poetry and short stories. His short fiction has appeared in Spindle Magazine and DiddleDog Magazine.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

http://www.blackwivesclub.wordpress.com Tiya’

It’s true that you are married with or without the ring. But if my husband lost his ring you’d better believe that he’s going to replace it. To me the ring is a symbol of our marriage, it shows the world that he’s a married man, which I hope would be something he was very proud of.
http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com Lamar

My ring was misplaced (I know one of those friggin kids did something with it) last year. I’m not one to really lose items so it bothered me, plus I didn’t want to spend the money on a new one.

Around this same time we had an out of town trip coming up to Atlanta and like one of our readers put it before… I rock my ring like it’s a super bowl piece so I had to spring for another one. I was already feeling naked without it but I didn’t want to roll out of town without one of my prized possessions.

On a side note, some of our male readers have talked about having a low budget everyday ring and a better ring for special occasions. I think I need to go this route so if the kids pull another caper I won’t have to shell out as much.
http://theyoungmommylife.com Tara Pringle Jefferson

Um, I put my husband’s ring on my credit card (flat broke before the wedding, new baby, eh, don’t get me started), so if he ever lost it? Oooohhh. Granted the card is paid off, but I paid on TON of interest on that puppy. Everytime he takes it off for a shower, or yardwork or something, I’m always there scooping it up, making sure that ring doesn’t get lost or he can’t “remember” where he left it.

On the flip side, my mom came over one day while he was doing yardwork and she noticed he didn’t have his ring on. She was SOO WORRIED. She’s like, “Oh, you and the babies can stay with me while y’all work things out. Oh my goodness! What’s going on? Are you arguing a lot? Did you threaten to leave????”

Meanwhile I’m like, “Um, he was cutting the grass….” LOL.

Tara Pringle Jeffersons last blog post..Sexy mama
Harriet

LOL @ Tara!

I haven’t worn my own ring since 6 months after we got married. I got pregnant, and subsequently my fingers outgrew the ring. They never went all the way back down after I gave birth. I know the ring I want as a replacement, but I’m not in a huge rush to purchase it since our budget has been so shoestring for so many years.

But my husband won’t go anywhere without his ring! I wouldn’t mind if he did…I trust him, and he is totally committed to me. I agree with the philosophy of E. Payne’s friend.
Harriet

But that COULD be a simple copout for the simple fact that we ain’t got no money (yes, I know it’s a double negative, but it is what it is). LOL!!!
http://www.makesmewannaholler.com Eric

All of you are funny!

Erics last blog post..Wordless Wednesday
Mrs G

I agree with the writer. The ring does not make a marriage. It is a symbol but many men wear it and it attracts attention to those who are looking for someone with no attachments. If the man or women is not committed in their marriage a ring won’t change that. My husband does not always wear his ring for various reasons but one thing I do know he is committed to his marriage. How do I know the women he works with tells me all the time, how lucky I am because he never tires of telling them he is a happily married man.
http://nycitymama.com NYCity Mama

I was married once before…and my ex never, ever wore his ring, where as I proudly wore mine. I don’t, it was a symbol of commitment, of a bond I have with someone else. He insisted that wearing a ring wasn’t “his thing” and that it meant nothing. But, it hurt because we weren’t at the same level. Funny thing is, he remarried and wears his ring all the time. Yes, I noticed.

My husband now hates jewelry, doesn’t like it, doesn’t buy it for himself, never wears it…except for the band that tells the world that out there is someone he has committed HIS life to. He was very picky about it, took us months to find something he liked, and at one point I even told him he didn’t have to (because I believed the hype that it was fine, even for me….). He looked at me confused and surprised, “What?? What are you talking about? I hope you always were your ring too.”

So, I think if it’s fine for them, it’s fine for them. But for me, I like that my man wants to wear his commitment to me, to us, in a way for all to see. It’s not the only thing that he does that makes me feel special…but it really helps : )
Mom of 3

I used to be a stickler for my husband and I both wearing our rings. Unfortunately, neither of us wears one now. I have lost mine (long story) and my husband stopped wearing his about a year or so ago. We had an argument last year and my husband stopped wearing his ring which upset me, but now I don’t really care. I have gotten some strange looks from me and my husbands mutual friends who are married, but they have never asked me about why I don’t wear it.
laughing808

I agree with Tiya, in that the ring is a symbol of marriage. I believe the ring represents the love, commitment and the covenant of marriage two people chose to enter. So if my husband was to misplace his ring, he’d better stop, drop and look or get to the store and purchase a replacement.
Staycee2

I have been married now for three years and this is my husbands second marriage. I remember when I came to bed one night without my ring on and my husband was devastated by the fact that I don’t wear it around the clock like he does. I told him that I wash greasy dishes & put lotion on our kids after baths & so on. He was o.k. with that explanation, but I know it didn’t sit well with him. My husband is with the railroad and his new position requires no ring for safety reasons. Believe it or not he trys to sneak and wear it but always seem to get busted for wearing it. I know he loves me unconditionally and is quick to put it on as soon as he gets home from work. I truly believe that the ring I purchased him is truly a symbol of our marriage because he hates being without it as you can see. I remember when I gave him the ring, he was shocked at how beautiful it was (had a plain band in his first marriage) and questioned me about how much I had spent. I told him don’t worry about it and he wears it proudly every chance that he gets.
Karyn

My husband received the ring that he just absolutely LOVES! He never takes that ring off and if he did take it off and lose it, he’d die. He wears his ring proudly and makes it a point to show it to every woman that tries to hit on him when I’m not around.

I’ve never seen a man prouder to wear a wedding ring, but I’m happy that the one that feels that way is MY husband! LOL!
michele

My husband’s ring “mysteriously” went missing a couple of years ago. I stumbled upon the new one he purchased one day looking for something. I KNEW it obviously wasn’t the one I bought and placed on his finger when we got married…..he didn’t deny that it was a different ring……never got the story behind what happened to the original one though. It doesn’t bother me if he wears it or not, he still comes home to me. And everyone knows he’s still married. If I leave the house without my ring on, it’s curtains!!!!! I get the panicked phonecall from him wanting to know what happened!!!!!
http://singlikesassy.blogspot.com SingLikeSassy

My husband lost his ring about a month after we got married. If he were the kind of person who knew where everything else was but couldn’t keep up with his ring, this would have bothered me, but he doesn’t normally wear jewelry — not even a watch — and he’s always looking for his keys, wallet, iPod etc. so I wasn’t too surprised when that ring went missing, too.

I also believe that while the ring is a symbol of the promise we made to each other the promise does not live and die with the ring. It does not change what’s in his heart. Either he loves me and is committed to me and our marriage and acts accordingly or he doesn’t and trust me, a ring will not change that.
LaKeyshaF

A ring is a symbol of a vow made. When I got married i said “with this ring I thee wed”. Meaning that the ring was an OUTWARD show to my spouse and the rest of the world that I made the committment of marriage.

I believe not wearing your wedding ring is a misrepresentation of your status. When there is no ring, 9 times out of 10 that person is not married. That is how our society has differentiated between married and single. So I would never want to give a false impression to the world that I was single when Im married. Jus like I would not want anyone to mistake me for a man when Im a woman. No their mistake doesnt make me any less of a woman, but i dont want to look like something I am not.

But I think if one person does not want to wear a wedding ring then thats something that should be discussed before the marriage.
MrsT

My husband just lost his ring a couple of months ago and I recently replaced it with a simple $50 band from Walmart until we can get the original custom one re-ordered.He was married before but never wore his ring and when we were first married it took him a while to warm up to wearing it–he also never wears any other jewelry or a watch. But he came around, so much so that when he lost it he was devestated, tore up the house looking for it. And even though the replacement isn’t nearly as nice as the original and might even fit a bit snug on his finger, he wears it.I do believe a wedding ring is an outward symbol of the commitment. I was very disappointed in his wishy-washiness toward wearing it in the beginning because I feel totally naked without mine and have worn it since day 1. I also think the ring is a reminder to the wearer of what your commitment means I had “for better or worse~always” inscribed in his orginal ring. He just told me today that he’d like the next inscription be “best decision I ever made.”
Kristin

my husband has lost two rings. it does bother me, for the simple fact that we are married and the ring symbolizes that commitment. maybe it’s silly, maybe it isn’t.
http://www.mochadad.com Mocha Dad

I lost two wedding bands down the drain and I had to stop wearing another because I developed an allergy to the metal. I’m now on my fourth wedding ring (all with the same woman). If anything oes wrong with this one, I’ll have to tattoo the next one on my finger.

Mocha Dads last blog post..Mocha Dad Goes Camping
http://www.makesmewannaholler.com Eric

I’m loving the comments on this one. Please keep them coming.

Erics last blog post..Black Love?
Pam

My husband and I both have ring stories. He works with his hands and wears it usually just for special occasions. I have sensative skin and have worn it off and on. My doc says Its a nickel allergy to the gold and suggests I wear platinum. I asked if i could I get a prescription for that. I am going to upgrade in a few months to a new one.
http://www.msmikosplaceontheweb.blogspot.com/ Ms. Miko

Well here is my 2 cents. A ring doesn’t make you married.

My husband and I have been married almost 10 years, and he doesn’t wear his ring all the time. It’s not lost it’s in the jewelry box. His reason, His Job! He’s a correction officer, and he says the inmates doesn’t need to know he’s married. I guess that’s a good reason. But it doesn’t bother me if he wears it or not. The funny thing is, if I go out with out my ring, oh then there is a problem, I get the are you single question.

Ms. Mikos last blog post..To the Man I Love!
tonya jones

During my first marriage, my ex didnt wear his ring because he worked in a warehouse & didnt want to “scratch it”. Turns out he was seeing someone from work who thought he was single (eventually we both dumped him) Now during my second marriage of 10 years & counting, I want my husband to wear his rng, and he does. To me is symbolizes that he is married & off limits to other women & mines the same. If it were to get los,t a cheap replacement will be brought. In fact we have 2 sets of wedding bands because I wanted to have a second set for everyday wear. We paid all of 50 bucks at the local Walmart for the set.
Yolanda (The Queen)

My husband would replace it if it’s lost…no doubt!
Anna

IMO I think a lady should wear a ring to identify that she is married. My hubby wore a ring long enough to lose it, gain weigh or saw it at work and ruined it.(he did not saw it off to get rid of the old ball and chain, he forgot he had it on while using the saw at work, well that’s his story and I bought it. LOl). I am done buying him a ring because “he knows he is married. Once again my opinion. I think that when a man wears a ring that the skanks who don’t want a commitment or a man of their own are looking for a man with a wedding ring on. My hubby does not wear a ring and at first it did bother me. I got over it when I kept replacing it to “mark my territory”. Hubby does wear an earring and an Africian necklace no tats, war/thug wounds on his body. LOL. Everyone does want to know that their spouse is attractive to the opposite sex but it is still up to the man to just say no” to any advances from a woman on the prowl. Now if we can have another “pet peeve(sp) post. It amazes huuby how many men don’t wash their hands at work after using the restroom. I can see more men in his line of work not washing their hands vs working where I do and going to a nice resturant and the “big honchos” wife hosting a party and his wife not washing her hands. that was so icky when I saw her rinse her hands lightly after coming out of a stall and and taking a used paper towel to pat her hands dry. No soap used or even a clean paper towel or using your elbow to start the hand dryer. I wash my hands so much with soap that my hands looks older than my face.
NaturalOasis

My husband wears his ring religiously but I, like several of the other woman have experienced an allergic reaction to my wedding band. Due to the irritation from the band I’ve had to stop wearing it and start using a steroid cream. Due to my not wearing my ring he has decided not to wear his ring because he says it makes him feel uncomfortable because he feels as though he is looked at stranged (just picture a married man chatting it up over a romantic dinner with a woman who is not wearing a ring). It may look just a little shady. So I’m totally fine in him not wearing his ring.
I just wish that I didn’t have to replace my ring!
Novella

I don’t have a ring and I don’t want one. I don’t like wearing rings and see noreason to “waist” money on something I’m not going to wear and will problably loose. I prefer tatoos, so I got “married” on the inside of my ring finger. I can’t loose it and I don’t have to worry about where I put it. It works for me. My husband on the other hand has a flashy ring he wears when he wants to. It doesn’t make my any difference , just as long as I don’t have to wear one. If people look at us strangely, I’m sure it’s because of something other than one of use not wearing a ring. I communicate my status on how I carry myself, not by what I wear or don’t wear. It’s all about choices.
Dee

The wedding band isn’t just a piece of jewelry (although the engagement ring is, but most women cherish it more since it costs more). It’s a symbol of something that is never ending which is the reason for the circle of gold, no beginning and no end. I have lost, thrown, bent, replaced, & misplaced mine out of anger in the past since when I wear it, it makes me feel married & when I’d had enough I didn’t want it on my finger as if I was less married by not wearing it and I know it hurt my husband’s feelings.
On the other side, my husband has had the same ring for 20 years, never takes it off (only to clean it), refuses to get an “upgrade”, loves the simple band, and the one time he did take it off when we had a fight, I was so hurt because it’s something he doesn’t do.
He wears it proudly and after the first couple of years, so did I.
I don’t take it for granted anymore. Of course we don’t need it for people to know we’re married & actually a lot of women love the ring & hit on him (instead of trying to get their own), but I’m glad it mean something to HIM to always wear it & not by my request. When it’s removed for any negative reason it’s hurtful as if our marriage doesn’t mean anything, so I don’t do that anymore.
I saw Mariah Carey with her band on after the engagement ring & she’s wearing it wrong. The engagement ring comes off at the ceremony & is “replaced” from the intended promise of marriage to the actual lifelong commitment by putting on the band first, then the engagement ring can be put back on by choice. The first ring (band) on the finger is worth so much more than any dollar amount paid for the engagement ring!
Lynn

Novella: please dear, LOSE (not loose) and WASTE (not waist). You sound like Nick Cannon (who does wear a ring, but said tattoos meant more. Tattoos are not mentioned in the Bible regarding marriage (rings are), except that one shouldn’t tattoo the body since your body is not yours, it is the temple for the Holy Spirit and belongs to God. Please don’t start the debate, but it just seems that people are rebellious just to be difficult. We wear other kinds of jewelery, but don’t cherish out wedding bands. Maybe that’s why we have so many problems. I wear mine proudly & so does my husband by his choice, not because I ask.
I think people who don’t wear a ring just because are trying to hold onto some sense of being single & showing the world they can still do what they want. What else in your marriage are you doing whatever you want?!?!?
SMack

I have to agree with the writer of an earlier post. “With this ring I the wed.” A wedding ring is a symbol of our vows. I would never want anyone to be confused on whether I’m married or not. See, I’ve been married before. And over the years when I was married and had my ring on, 3 out of 4 people that looked and might have wanted to make a comment or two to me didn’t. There will always be that 4th one that doesn’t care about the instiution of marriage and try anyway… then I’d took care of that one by telling them that I was married. To me wearing my ring made it to where I didn’t have to have a lot of those conversations. Society does have a view in most cases of “No ring..No spouse”. To me wearing one can help eliminate some of the unneeded situations that may arise. Yes, I was secure in my marriage and I wore my ring to show it. But…once I felt my marriage was over, I stopped wearing my ring. Almost immediately those 3 that didn’t make comments before, suddenly had something to say. I feel that EACH couple has to make their OWN decisions about wearing rings or not. I am currently engaged again and can’t even imagine not wearing my ring once its placed on my finger. Other than doing certain chores around the house or vehicle maintenance, it will be there.
Harriet

Wow…this topic has gained quite a bit of momentum!

Here’s my thing…to think someone is Christian because they go to church is like thinking someone is a car because they’re standing in a garage. The same is true of a ring, IMO.

Some married men and women who wear their wedding bands wear them to attract like spirits (i.e. adulterers, liars, folks who use sex to fulfill a void in their lives, etc.). Like it or not, a wedding band is no longer a repellent, but an invitation to others that want to maintain little secrets that have the potential to ruin marriages.

I had an allergic reaction to my ring, and my husband and I agreed to give the set away to another couple (as another commentator said). I’m not interested in getting a cheap substitute. When the time comes, our rings will be replaced, but for now, I go ringless.

Strangely enough, everyone I encounter knows I’m married within minutes of meeting me…without a ring! It’s an attitude.
Raven

I hope I don’t have to NOT wear my band when I am married…
Smart Mouth

As much as I paid for those rings somebody is going to wear them, even if my wife decides that she does not want to I believe in the symbolism of the weeding rings but I also recognize that in today’s world our rings has drawn more attention from the opposite sex. My wife is a “kept woman” and the attention she gets does not bother me because I trust her and she has that attitude like Harriet described that screams “don’t waste your breath”.
http://www.makesmewannaholler.com Eric

Wow, I never imagined this post would generate so much interest. I definitely believe in the symbolism of the ring(s) and the ritual that accompanies them. I suppose if you get married by the Justice of the Peace then it’s just jewelry, but typically it’s so much more than that between spouses.

My wedding band is the first piece of jewelry I’ve worn since college days other than a bracelet I got about 12 years ago. On my wedding night my finger swelled around it and the skin beneath it began peeling almost instantly. I asked my wife, “Am I allergic to marriage?” (She didn’t laugh.) Although my wife forgets her rings at home at least once a week, I’m never outside without it. I don’t wear it at nights because of the finger swelling issue, but other than that it’s also a symbol when I’m with my kids that says, “yeah, what?” when sometimes observed by members of other races who have it in their heads that a black man with kids just has kids just because. But it also draws some occasional unwarranted (and wanted) admiration. But I rock my ring. And if I lost it I’d rock a new one. My father, who’s been married for nearly 50 years recently got his replaced without a thought. It’s not about the cost for me, it’s about all the things it means…to me — and my wife.

Erics last blog post..Last Minute Mother’s Day Gifts
NaturalOasis

“I suppose if you get married by the Justice of the Peace then it’s just jewelry, but typically it’s so much more than that between spouses.”

@ Eric although me and my husband made the ultimate decision to get married at the Justice of the Peace please don’t assume that the people that go that route are not as serious in their commitment as the next couple who decides to have a lavish wedding. We took that route as a means of making the day strictly about us with only our parents and siblings in attendance and then had a nice reception for all of our friends to attend. Because we know that we are in this for the long haul we chose to save our money and have that big wedding on our 5 or 10 year anniversary. That way we can truely celebrate when that time comes.
http://www.makesmewannaholler.com Eric

@NaturalOasis – I was speaking from my own perspective, not imposing what being married by the Justice of Peace means to each and everyone. And I was also speaking regarding the opinion of close friends who don’t view the ceremony as a religious one (but a economical route for cohabitation – they’ve said, “it’s just jewelry”). But again, an individual opinion not an imposition onto all who go this route. My wedding was very inexpensive and intimate by today’s standards but full of spirituality. If it was for you and yours as well at the JP then great. To each his own. Hope you didn’t take the comment as a slight. It wasn’t.

Erics last blog post..Honeymoon Quest 2009
fredah

Why buy the rings then…might as well just marry without them if you wont wear it throughout the marriage.Not wearing a ring is just an excuse it means that your man or woman is living a double life and falsely representing themselves to single people out there.We need to be honest with ourselves here.
http://www.1fashionstatement.com/ hautecoco

the rings symbolize a Covenant(or promise) made between a man, a woman and God. without those rings (technically speaking) its like saying, you have broken your promise. However, if you and your spouse are in agreement about NOT wearing your rings, so beit. But what kind of message are you sending to those on the outside looking in? A ring is what separates the single from the married. There is no other way to know if someone is married without the ring.

hautecocos last blog post..How To Cut Hair For Beginners
http://whyte23.blogspot.com/ Whyte23

Speaking as a Man, husband, father …I thought I lost my wedding ring after 23 years several weeks ago from this date…Man My heart drop into my shorts more than one reason…the ring meant a lot to me. I lost something so special so I thought….after working out at the gym…i notice it missing. My heart skip a beat, I looked for it ,stopping and asking everyone around me ” Have u seen my ring…Brothers were looking at me like I lost my mind or something, I was begin to lose it mentally.
Because, my marriage to the same wonderful woman, ” The Ring” meant that i am in covenant with her that it’s a symbol broken or lost in this case. Side bar: plus Gloria ,my wife would say; oh you’re not marry no longer? huh…That is heat that i don’t like to feel…

The ring would and will be replace asap….to answer your question.

To make to the long story short…I was folding laundry clothes with her before heading the gym and it was in the clothes folded….the reason it fell off I lost 91 lbs. so now the ring needs resized so that will not happen again.
My wife had already found the ring …she was going to see how long it was going to unfold by my actions. Lord, I love you …help me with this one. I came home looked Glo in the face..and said; honey, I think I missed place my wedding ring….she start laughing uncontrolling…Brothers and sisters, lets just say that the reward was great, it was like another honeymoon to the third power had taking place. Points to the good….for future usage.

Thank you for reading…
Much Lov,
Marcus Whyte23
http://whyte23.blogspot
LaPreghiera

Wear the cheapy band, call the insurance company to report the other one lost. I mean, if I am changing my name, you are wearing the ring….

The Ring That Binds

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