Why Are Couples Reluctant To Take Advantage of Couples Counseling?

Relationships

by Lamar Tyler | on May 18th, 2009 | 19 comments

by Tara Pringle Jefferson

When we got married, I really wanted to sit down for some good ol’ fashioned premarital counseling before I walked down the aisle. Everyone was acting like our marriage wouldn’t last past the first year, making snide comments like, “You know, you don’t have to get married just ‘cause y’all had a baby.” The fact we were both in our 20s (I was 21 and he was 26), were dealing with the pressures of being new parents, and we were each other’s first serious relationship gave others room for pause.

Although I knew in my heart that this was right, I wanted to make our marriage as strong as possible beforehand by participating in counseling, but my husband wanted no part in it. For him, it’s a privacy thing. He doesn’t feel comfortable discussing aspects of our relationship with anyone else.

During a rocky part of our marriage, I went to my husband still crying from a fight we’d had earlier and asked him if he thought we perhaps should go to couples counseling – maybe. I was hoping my wishy-washy stance on the issue would help him be more objective in making his decision, that he wouldn’t say no just to spite me.

It didn’t work. He refused to go, I got tired of begging and didn’t see the value in going solo. We ended up praying it out and lo and behold, we pulled through.

But I still wonder how much faster we would have been through that rough patch if we had been able to communicate with an objective outsider, who could see possible areas of conflict that we hadn’t learned that we kept falling into.

I know we were not the only twosome who was in desperate need of couples counseling but one or both parties were reluctant to go.

BMWK readers, do you have a story to tell about couples counseling? Did it save your marriage? Make it worse? Let us know!

Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer living in Ohio with her husband and two children. Visit her blog, www.theyoungmommylife.com, to read more of her keen observations about life, motherhood and love.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com Lamar

Great post as always Tara. I think in the black community there is a stigma attached with any kind of counseling regardless of how bad it’s needed. We went to couples counseling before we were married and it wasn’t that we learned a lot but it reaffirmed that we had talked about all of the right things already because we had already discussed and had the answers to all of the questions that we were asked.

During marriage I think counseling can be great if nothing else than for learning conflict resolution skills. Who doesn’t need those?
http://www.wisdomswork.com Donielle Michele

I agree! In the black community we still hold onto the old school belief that “your business is your business.” I personally went to pre-marriage counseling and it was great! It allowed my husband and I to discuss everything from who would do what chores, what he expected from me in a marriage and vice versa. The Reverend even had us talk about the little things that aggravate us about each other, yes down to leaving the toilet seat up…lol! Then she gave us examples on how to deal with those issues because she said while certain issues may be small at first, in a marriage they can snowball into big ones if not dealt with in the right manner. I think everyone should go to pre-marriage counseling. It will eliminate alot of problems faced in a marriage.
http://www.mochadad.com Mocha Dad

Couples counseling is geared more towards women. Since women are more verbal, they have an easier time openly discussing issues. Men often feel as if their wife and the counselor are ganging up on him. While counseling can be effective, counselors need to develop methods that make men more comfortable and more willing to share during the sessions.

Mocha Dads last blog post..Marriage is For White People
http://singlikesassy.blogspot.com SingLikeSassy

When we got married we chose to seek out a licensed practitioner rather than a pastor for our premarital counseling. I recommend it to everyone getting married. My husband and I freely talked about our fears and hopes and visions and goals for our marriage and we also revisited her six months later as a check-up. He and I agreed BEFORE we got married that if we hit a roadblock in our marriage, we would continue to seek help from her or some other counselor. So far it hasn’t been needed, but knowing that we are likeminded on this issue is reassuring.
Harriet

My husband and I actually went through 9 months of premarital counseling before we got married. Our pastors spent quite a bit of time with us, and I can guarantee had we not gone through that, we would not still be married today.

I think there is a stigma associated with it, and I agree with Mocha Dad about current techniques. I was just talking to a friend MOMENTS before I read this article about this topic, and although I was open to it, my husband was not.

But if it’s needed, there should be no reprisal or hesitation. If two people in a marriage have stonewalled one another, the only way that wall will come down is through prayer, humility, and counseling if need be.

Great article, Tara!
http://www.blackwivesclub.wordpress.com Tiya

My husband and I also had pre marital counseling (it was a requirement for us to be married by my husband’s Pastor) Back then I wonder if it was something we would have done if it were not required. We were taught not to put our business in the streets and plus so many of us think we don’t need help and that we can fix whatever it is. That we’re smart enough and strong enough to do it on our own. Seeking help means just those things. That you’re smart enough to know you want a healthy relationship and courageous enough to do what it takes to guarantee you have one. Knowing what I know now, there is a great benefit in couples’ therapy, counseling and coaching. Of course I think so because I am a Relationship Coach. And the key is to get it early on, not when it’s too late (at the point you’re ready to walk away or hurt one another). We have to do what is necessary to save our relationships.

Tiyas last blog post..Why Marriage Is Sexy
http://www.blackwivesclub.wordpress.com Tiya

I also want to add, that I’ve actually had a husband to initiate coaching for him and his wife it really was so refreshing. I do make sure that I am fair and unbiased in my coaching of couples, because I do recognize that it is normally a little more challenging for husbands to open up.

Tiyas last blog post..Why Marriage Is Sexy
http://theyoungmommylife.com Tara Pringle Jefferson

@ Mocha Dad – You know, I never really thought about how counseling might be geared toward women and maybe that’s where his reluctance came from? The more you know!

Tara Pringle Jeffersons last blog post..BAB challenge, week 2 – Why do we put ourselves last?
Sissy10

My husband will not go to counseling. We went for premarital counseling (Im glad because I would’ve left a long time ago). We are at a very fragile pace where the wrong thing said on any side is bound for an argument. I believe he is unfaithful..but I’m still praying. We have needed counseling for some time now. I go to my pastor all the time. But it gets so hard to truly see change when its one sided and then I get so upset I take everything I have and throw it out the window. We have both done things in the past that hurt. I on one hand want to get to the bottom of it and try to move on. My husband just holds on to everything. So it always comes back to what I did. He need to know should I continue to keep going to counseling alone or just throw in the towel on that and just keep praying. I think counseling will allow us to get it all out with a mediator(not yelling at each other) Im sooo for counseling…he’s totally against it. WHY?? I don’t believe he just want to keep things private…Cause right now, Its either counseling or leaving for me.
Harriet

wow, sissy…that’s a deep situation right there. i’m not going to act like i have the answers, but i’ve been in that place of despair. i never worried about my husband being unfaithful, but i had to determine whether or not i was going to stay in an emotionally draining marriage.

yes, it takes two to make a marriage work, but it only takes one to persevere in prayer for God to take notice and make a change. He will definitely give you the strength you need to make a decision that’s perfect for His plans for you. i’m praying with you, sis. stay encouraged.
http://ambitionzazawriter.com MDUBB

That’s an unfortunate situation, I hope it works out for you and your family.

During the waning months of my marriage I begged my ex-wife to start some counseling with me, no luck in getting her there though, she was totally against it. Hell the military even pays for it, but that’s besides the point.

I don’t know what difference if any it could have made, but there’s something tremendously powerful about a couple admitting they need help and seeking it together. The journey to find this help together is in my opinion is as much a healing power as the actual counseling itself.

MDUBBs last blog post..Bryant, Carter, Nelson and Williams
Shawnta

Tara,

Great post. Counseling of any sort seems to be taboo in the black community. I think some of the negative connotations is what gives counseling such a bad rap among blacks.

Some of the negative connotations:
- “Something must be WRONG with him, her or them if they need counseling.”
- “They must be crazy, suicidal or depressed.” – It’s been my observation that a struggle with reality is a no-no in the black community.
- “They must have really messed up big time if counseling is needed.”

My husband & I did pre-marital counseling for 8 weeks before our wedding. We also participated in a Dynamic Marriage class at our church…although this wasn’t counseling per se it did open our eyes to different things and offer us the perspective & advice of other young, black married couples at different stages in their marriages. Also, we’re in a small group (it’s actually called a Care Group) through our church where we meet once a week for Bible study and discussion with 7 other young, married couples (again at different stages in their marriage and some with kids & some without). Again, this isn’t counseling per se but we do share issues in our marriage or ourselves within the confines of our small group. It’s a good opportunity to share in confidence and know that we won’t be judged and sides won’t be taken and that the other couples will try to offer as much neutral advice and support as possible.

My husband & I have also sought an independent counselor at one point in our marriage to work out an issue and while neither of us were THRILLED to be going, we’re both glad we did.
Shawnta

@Sissy: I will keep your marriage in prayer. Hopefully, God will turn this around and work it out in your favor. Stay faithful and remain strong.
http://www.blackwivesclub.wordpress.com Tiya’

Sometimes counseling/therapy/coaching can also be hard for couples, because it is difficult to fess up to the wrong we’ve done that caused the relationship to turn sour. Often times we would rather continue to point fingers and shift blame. Sissy, I will be praying for your marriage. There is nothing that GOD can’t do. The fact that you want to continue counseling says that you do want to work out, you may want to ask your husband if he wants to work it out too and if so what are some steps he’s willing to take to turn things around. Counseling isn’t for everyone, your husband may have some alternative solutions that may work for both of you. I am a part of some great networks that also support marriages (Still Dating My Spouse and The Black Wives’Club).
http://www.losangelista.com Los Angelista

My husband and I went for a little while in year four of our marriage and it was helpful to both of us. It took some ego squashing to admit we couldn’t solve it all ourselves. But the weird thing was that everybody seemed to think that it meant we were separating. Asking for help equated to things being over, and that sort of attitude isn’t helpful to anybody.

Los Angelistas last blog post..Toma Leche? My Chai Latte Habit Makes My Hair Healthier!
Anna

Thanks to all who left a comment.

“Why Are Couples Reluctant To Take Advantage of Couples Counseling?”
~~~~~~~~~
Some couples don’t seek counseling because one of them really does not want to be in the marriage (and that person forbids counseling and makes excuses why they are not willing to go). Some really just do want their cake and eat it to. Some couples don’t want to break up the family and sometimes both don’t want to leave the home they are in or have to face others. Many see counseling as having failed in a marriage.
Hubby and I have never been to counseling but had we, it would be “we”. I would never go to my Pastor for counseling to save my marriage unless my Pastor was a woman(being I am a womam). I hear about woman going alone for counseling and pouring their emotions and fustration out to their Pastor only for the Pastor to take advantage of her weakness/sadness and finding a way to make her feel wanted by listening but also crossing the line. I have found for me that making time for hubby to sit down and talk helps us, plus we know ppl who have been married for more years than we have and to be reminded of how they make it work/have made it work for so long is “their example” for us and they are only a phone call away.

There is nothing wrong with going to counseling. We are even assigned counselors while in middle school through graduate school. It’s when you put the word “marriage” before the word “conselor” that freaks some ppl out. I was listening to Michael Baiston and there was a Latino woman on the line who said that in her community little girls are taught to expect their husbands to cheat and they are to accept it. They(the women) are expected to stay married also. What kind of Frackin Nackal Bull is that? LOL. Counseling is taboo to some ppl as the comments stated. Some ppl won’t go to counseling while others find divorce over and over again an (easy out)option. To each their own. If it ain’t broke does not mean it can’t be improved with counseling. And if it seems/is broken some can spare time with a counselor. Never say never!
Dre

Black men have the idea that counseling is for white folks, why would I want some man/woman all up in my business? and let’s be honest, many times the therapy is being administered by someone of the Caucasian persuasion (that’s old school). I can understand completely, how in the world can someone who grew up the exact opposite of you have any sympathy for what it is you are experiencing? at least that’s the mindset..

I have been married to my wife(yes, she is a sista)for nearly 25 years we have two wonderful boys, one of which recently graduated from the University of Colorado-Boulder and is teaching High-School and the other is in the IB Diploma program in High-School. I grew up on East Grand Blvd in Detroit in complete poverty, my Father was an ex-felon who beat my mother and was eventually murdered in cold blood, my mother herself was an ex-con who gave birth to my oldest brother while in prison. Now I ask you “How can someone who grew up middle to upper class relate to my life experiences”? THEY CAN’T..

I bring up a brief history of my upbringing to show that “You can make it” you can break the chains of your history..how? it takes hard work and a belief that you as a couple can make it..there are ways to prosper in a black marriage..to love one another for a lifetime and to raise respectful young adults…I have really thought about helping people work out the problems in a relationship..I am not a Dr. or a Therapist, however, I have actually been in a committed long-term relationship and with my wife raised wonderful children..hit me up at Treasurequiz@gmail.com
http://counselingdivorce.com/ Pamela from Counseling Divorce

Premarital counseling, like any couples counseling, is usually facilitated by a skilled family therapist, (and sometimes members of the clergy). The function of pre-marital counseling is to assist couples in developing skills to navigate their way through marriage successfully and to identify (and if possible resolve) areas of difference between couples that may become a source of conflict later.
.-= Pamela from Counseling Divorce´s last blog ..Pre-Marital Counseling =-.
http://www.facebook.com/nathan.d.simmons Nathan Simmons

Counseling only works if both parties can agree to listen and agree to change. Sadly, my marriage ended because my ex did not want to go to counseling because she felt “it wasn’t needed” and only agree to it AFTER I moved out and even then, it made no difference because she was unwilling to listen to the constructive critique from the counselor and make the changes necessary to hold the marriage together. I would admonish anyone getting married to do what Harriet did and get a firm foundation BEFORE the marriage to help hold it together….