I have been married to my wife(yes, she is a sista)for nearly 25 years we have two wonderful boys, one of which recently graduated from the University of Colorado-Boulder and is teaching High-School and the other is in the IB Diploma program in High-School. I grew up on East Grand Blvd in Detroit in complete poverty, my Father was an ex-felon who beat my mother and was eventually murdered in cold blood, my mother herself was an ex-con who gave birth to my oldest brother while in prison. Now I ask you “How can someone who grew up middle to upper class relate to my life experiences”? THEY CAN’T..

I bring up a brief history of my upbringing to show that “You can make it” you can break the chains of your history..how? it takes hard work and a belief that you as a couple can make it..there are ways to prosper in a black marriage..to love one another for a lifetime and to raise respectful young adults…I have really thought about helping people work out the problems in a relationship..I am not a Dr. or a Therapist, however, I have actually been in a committed long-term relationship and with my wife raised wonderful children..hit me up at Treasurequiz@gmail.com

“Why Are Couples Reluctant To Take Advantage of Couples Counseling?”
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Some couples don’t seek counseling because one of them really does not want to be in the marriage (and that person forbids counseling and makes excuses why they are not willing to go). Some really just do want their cake and eat it to. Some couples don’t want to break up the family and sometimes both don’t want to leave the home they are in or have to face others. Many see counseling as having failed in a marriage.
Hubby and I have never been to counseling but had we, it would be “we”. I would never go to my Pastor for counseling to save my marriage unless my Pastor was a woman(being I am a womam). I hear about woman going alone for counseling and pouring their emotions and fustration out to their Pastor only for the Pastor to take advantage of her weakness/sadness and finding a way to make her feel wanted by listening but also crossing the line. I have found for me that making time for hubby to sit down and talk helps us, plus we know ppl who have been married for more years than we have and to be reminded of how they make it work/have made it work for so long is “their example” for us and they are only a phone call away.

There is nothing wrong with going to counseling. We are even assigned counselors while in middle school through graduate school. It’s when you put the word “marriage” before the word “conselor” that freaks some ppl out. I was listening to Michael Baiston and there was a Latino woman on the line who said that in her community little girls are taught to expect their husbands to cheat and they are to accept it. They(the women) are expected to stay married also. What kind of Frackin Nackal Bull is that? LOL. Counseling is taboo to some ppl as the comments stated. Some ppl won’t go to counseling while others find divorce over and over again an (easy out)option. To each their own. If it ain’t broke does not mean it can’t be improved with counseling. And if it seems/is broken some can spare time with a counselor. Never say never!

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Great post. Counseling of any sort seems to be taboo in the black community. I think some of the negative connotations is what gives counseling such a bad rap among blacks.

Some of the negative connotations:
- “Something must be WRONG with him, her or them if they need counseling.”
- “They must be crazy, suicidal or depressed.” – It’s been my observation that a struggle with reality is a no-no in the black community.
- “They must have really messed up big time if counseling is needed.”

My husband & I did pre-marital counseling for 8 weeks before our wedding. We also participated in a Dynamic Marriage class at our church…although this wasn’t counseling per se it did open our eyes to different things and offer us the perspective & advice of other young, black married couples at different stages in their marriages. Also, we’re in a small group (it’s actually called a Care Group) through our church where we meet once a week for Bible study and discussion with 7 other young, married couples (again at different stages in their marriage and some with kids & some without). Again, this isn’t counseling per se but we do share issues in our marriage or ourselves within the confines of our small group. It’s a good opportunity to share in confidence and know that we won’t be judged and sides won’t be taken and that the other couples will try to offer as much neutral advice and support as possible.

My husband & I have also sought an independent counselor at one point in our marriage to work out an issue and while neither of us were THRILLED to be going, we’re both glad we did.

During the waning months of my marriage I begged my ex-wife to start some counseling with me, no luck in getting her there though, she was totally against it. Hell the military even pays for it, but that’s besides the point.

I don’t know what difference if any it could have made, but there’s something tremendously powerful about a couple admitting they need help and seeking it together. The journey to find this help together is in my opinion is as much a healing power as the actual counseling itself.

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yes, it takes two to make a marriage work, but it only takes one to persevere in prayer for God to take notice and make a change. He will definitely give you the strength you need to make a decision that’s perfect for His plans for you. i’m praying with you, sis. stay encouraged.