Dear BMWK, Enough is Enough!!!

Dear BMWK

by Lamar Tyler | on May 29th, 2009 | 16 comments

I’ve dated my children’s father off and on for over 10 years. Yes, that’s along time! But we recently seperated again less than six months ago.

First let me make you aware of the reason for our seperation – he was cheating on me with a woman from work. We have lived a happy, calm, life until now. Recently the “m” word has surfaced but nothing has developed between us since this devastating event. I’ve loved each other since High School. We have three children, and lived together since 2000 up until now.

Now word has it, he has moved in with this woman and her child less than six months from our separation. He told me he got himself into some mess and would like some time to clear it up.

I’m torn and need your friendly advice. I would like to know what to do? Should I forgive him? Put it past us to live our lives? What would you do if the shoe was on the other foot? I’m open to anything you have to share with me.

HER VIEW:

I think you need to seriously take some time to get yourself back on track and not worry so much about him but about you and your children. While he’s taking his time getting out of his mess you should take your time renewing your spirit and while you are focusing on a better you I guarantee things will become clearer. Use this time to your advantage by building up yourself and loving up on your children who are going through this as well.

HIS VIEW:

Be careful of that “m” word because in situations like this sometimes it’s just used to keep you sticking around. I don’t have a problem with you wanting to forgive him but…. what’s up with dude living with the woman he cheated with, is it over or what? It seems to me that the two of you won’t be able to move on until he’s done with her. Ronnie gave some good advice above, while he’s doing him take this time to do you and you may find that time away from the situation will make some things crystal clear. Sometimes we can’t see what’s right in front of us while we’re in the thick of things. Also I’m assuming he told you what he got himself into that he needs to clear up… if not he needs to spit it out and leave that situation if he wants to have a future with you.

BMWK family let this sista know what you think she should do.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

http://theyoungmommylife.com Tara Pringle Jefferson

Everything gets more complicated when you have kids.

If you were a single, childless woman, I’d tell you to tell him, “DUECES! PEACE OUT HOMIE!!!!”

But you have kids with him. Arghhh….

Let me analyze this for a minute. He cheated on you. And he’s living with the woman. And you two have three kids together. Everything was cool until recently.

This situation brings up a host of questions: What was his explanation for the affair? Did you catch him in a lie? Did he come right out and tell you and ask you to forgive him? How long had it been going on? (Long enough if he’s living with her.) Does he truly WANT to work things out? Does he still call you/interact with the kids? Is he operating on what’s best for HIM versus what’s best for YOU and the kids?

I agree with Ronnie and Lamar. Take this time to evaluate how YOU feel. Can you trust him? Can you LEARN to trust him again? Do you think he’d be willing to earn back your trust? Was your relationship all that healthy for you in the first place? A lot of times people hold on to relationships way past the expiration date just because it’s comfortable and in some cases because they have kids and feel like they are stuck.

Tara Pringle Jeffersons last blog post..You Know You Want It…
LaKeysha

Does he really want to reconcile if he is living with this woman?

If I were pleading my case and begging for forgivness I would not be livig with a man I had an affair with…NO MATTER THE CIRCUMSTANCES!

I think reconciliation is a great thing but you can’t have it if both parties aren’t serious about it.
Political Pete

I think Tara hit the important questions on the nail.

I have a sister who is in your exact predicament: She has four kids with a guy that she has been with for ten years and they haven’t been married (the only difference is that he was physically abusive in the “past.” They have been off and on and he lives with her. I don’t know your situation but in the case of my sister, there are some underlying issues.

1) We were willing to help her, but she truly did not want to be helped….or rather, I don’t think she has the mental capacity to be helped at this point (so we had a talk with the guy). Love is a strange thing in that it is totally irrational. She knows what she needs to do deep down, but she has that history with this guy and loves him…it renders her irrational and illogical–one of the detriments of being open emotionally.

Couple that with the fact that black women GENERALLY have an enormous heart and an undying capacity to forgive… and you have a situation in which someone could easily abuse (even unknowingly).

2) Emotional dependency. There are deeper issues concerning her childhood and her need for a father that I think linked to her sadly parasitic behavior towards him. There are childhood issues that went on for years unaddressed. My father was not there for her for years… and I no psychologist, but I think if you studied the correlation between women and emotional/physical abuse and absentee fathers (even if the father was their and did nothing)…the relationship would be strong.

3) Kids. This makes the situation even more difficult because sometimes I believe she feels helpless to move on with four kids, even though we have tried to persuade her to move “back home” with us . . . in her mind I don’t think she is brave enough at this point.

This issue is that there is a lot of Psychic harm that goes unaddressed in an abusive relationship for ten years that is untreated… and if you never give yourself a chance to heal or get out of the cycle of violence, you will look up and the repetitiveness will consume your entire life.

Know this: It’s not too late to move forward with your life… Find a CORE group of people who support and love you and you can do it. People do change and make mistakes, but ten years of the same issues may mean you are engaging in avoidance or denial (of the hard truth). We’ve all loved someone and wanted them to change on our time schedule…we understand. If you don’t have anyone, you have your cyberfriends here!

Above anything, know that YOU will have to have the will power to move forward… and know that that takes TIME away from the person. Really take this time to look introspectively at the past…. Look at the past in the rear view mirror (while you are moving forward).
Harriet

wow…great responses. i have nothing to add.
Jonesi

This is one of those instances where I find myself trying not to be judgmental because I highly belive “We get, not what we deserve, but what we accept”. And when Tara said the situation is more complicated because children are involved, I didn’t really understand that – but then again I don’t have children – because I would think you would get out of a situation like this for your kids. The key here is while all of this mess is taking place, the children are quietly observing everything going on and that should be the main concern. If you can’t find the courage to put yourself first and recognize you are worth and deserve more, then do it for your children, especially if you have daughters.

I’m not really understanding why it’s not painfully obvious that it’s time to move on, especially since this man has had the opportunity to make you his wife for the last ten years and has chosen not to. Too often we tend to over think the wrong things. Like Ronnie said, this is the perfect time to get back to nourishing your spirit, and the next time he tries to trap you with the “m” word say thanks but no thanks…You gave him ten years and three babies…it’s time to give back to yourself
rj

I totally agree with Ronnie and Lamar. Its time to do you. Nurture and take care of you!He is trying to play both sides of the fence. This one time affair led to living with this woman and her child. what about the children the two of you have together. Don’t let the “m” word make you stay in mess. Let the spirit guide you and when the time is right the commitment you want will come along from the right person. If he does decide to come back and you decide to take him back set ground rules before he can even steps through the door and see what his actions say. Stick to the things you need to make you happy. Most importantly put you and your children first.
http://www.wisdomswork.com Donielle Michele

I know it’s easier said than done but you have to walk away and just concentrate on being there for the kids. Why is it that he gets to cheat on you, live with the woman (I use that term loosely), and then have the nerve to tell you he is “going through some things” AND you are expected to wait! I don’t think so! Too often, women are expected to wait on a man to get his life in order and when they are finished sleeping with the whole county, they want to come back to open arms. Women need to understand that they are worth more than that. You already spend half of your life waiting in line or on the bus. You shouldn’t have to wait for some man with the morals of a street hustler, to come back to you! ****You are a beautiful, strong woman and you deserve more****
Kim

Political Pete, that was awesome and on point! She really needs someone right now. I totally understand how she feels. I went thru that for 22 years, we were married with four kids. I stayed because I really did love him and hoped that he would change, and also for the kids, that he would get his act together, but then he would always go back to cheating again, it never failed. Maybe 2 years would pass by, and we were back there again. Well recently he went to live with another woman secretly (kept lying to me that he was working and his phone couldn’t get a signal) but still wanted me to be there for him. I divorced him (it was truly hard to do, but I was proud of myself) and he wanted to leave some of his things at our home, thinking that he could come back when he wanted to. He is a truck driver and travels all the time, one day I asked him to repair the basement toilet and he came over and when he came, I packed all of his things so that he could take them with him, he was utterly surprised and could not believe that I was making him take all of his things. He said always remember that this is my house too, and that we will always be together. I just smiled and said to myself that is what you think. I moved out of the house and move to another state to get him out of my system, he was SICK!! I told him a week before I left. I must say it was hard, but my family and friends were all there to support me, and it took me several months of nights crying and losing soo much weight, but I made it thru. I have a new friend now and we are taking it slow. My ex husband continued to call me(had to change my number) and harrass me wanting me back and harrassing the kids trying to put me on the phone when he called, crying and telling me he wanted me back, and that he made a big mistake, would I please take him back, but I had to take a long look at my life of 22 years of nothing but lying, cheating, and just truly hurtful situations. He was only to be in my life for a season and not a lifetime, I learned alot throughout the marriage but the most important thing I realized is that I was he was never going to change, at least with me. I was unequally yoked from the beginning and I accepted what he did to me, and just kept pushing it to the side, I needed to love myself and find myself again before I could love anyone else. I do not blame myself, but my standards are much higher now than before. I am much happier and at peace and thank God each and every day that he gives me. Be Encouraged, pray and read God’s word daily, Proverbs helped me greatly, try it and you will see that you are accepting something that you don’t have to.
ruffyy

Why should he have it both ways? If he was so stupid to get this gurl pregnant and have kids with you already he deserves a get tough attitude that will cause him to lose both gurls and lost a little cash too. He can probably owe you a hellified arrearage that would be insisted upon if he were to go to court.Establish if the child in the other womans life is his then put the squeeze on.
Anna

Sorry but I did not read all of the comments. I will say this was another “been there done that” club that I use to belong to. If he has not married you by now he is not going to and if he does it won’t last. Too much bad history. I found that having kids made it more reason for me to leave. (He says I left him I said he left us, we couldn’t even agree on that. lol). Most times staying in a relationship for the kids only back fires. Kids see what is going on. Kids that don’t see loving parents in a household will have commitment issues, accept a man that hits them, disrespects them and cheats on them. Most kids when asked in homes like this wish their parents would part ways. It’s ok to love someone from afar because they are the mother/father of your kids. He has already proven he has moved on. He moved in with a woman and her child. That is the hardest thing when a man leaves you and moves in with a woman and her kid(s). You think you did something wrong. I can almost guarantee that if you do leave you will get more respect from him. In a few years you will both be able to be in the same room to share your kids bday parties and holiday memories. Some men leave because they don’t want a strong independent woman(bossy), some don’t want a weak insecure one either. My new husband of 12 years next week makes half the income of my ex. It’s ok because I have peace of mind and a fun and loving marriage, money can’t buy that. Just stay strong and remember you were not born to be someones “door mat”.
dede

Blah blah blah to many words with sugar. DROP THE ZERO. Your first line told the story on and off again for over ten years, there is nothing happy ,calm about this life. Where is the God in your life? You should know by now that there is a pattern. Its called disrespect. . If you take him back he will do it again. Stop being a door mat. He got him self in some mess. Poor him. please, he just found another sucker
Anna

dede said:
Blah blah blah to many words with sugar. DROP THE ZERO. Your first line told the story on and off again for over ten years, there is nothing happy ,calm about this life. Where is the God in your life? You should know by now that there is a pattern. Its called disrespect. . If you take him back he will do it again. Stop being a door mat. He got him self in some mess. Poor him. please, he just found another sucker.
~~~~~~~~
Your comment made me laugh. Yep, they move on and find other suckers.
Women who think they “pulled” another woman’s husband only get our left overs and we thank you for waking us up and taking him off our hands. You can’t change a man and if that is the kind of man you want I will pray for you. One mans trash is really another mans treasure. My husband married me with 3 kids. I am living proof that anything is possible.
nayonowen

I too believe you should move on. It appears you have been on and off for 10 years. He wasnt ready to be with you then and he isnt ready to be with you NOW. You have to realize you are not the one for him. Stop giving this many your time, eneryg, body and love. He does not want it. Not ten years ago and not NOW. Can you hear me. Take time to heal. Take time for your children. There is someone out there who will love and appreciate you for you!!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mary_Ellen_Pleasant mary ellen pleasant

usually when we seek advice…the answer is almost always there in how we decide to phrase the question…

trust yourself Enough is Enough….it will be hard…but its better late than never.

when ever i have big decisions to make…i usually like to retreat in silence….its hard these days because i cant just pick up and leave obligations….so i do semi-silence….

i only talk about things that have to do with day to day living…….for you it may be whatever has to do with taking care of the kids basic needs….conversations that have to do with your job…..

but i would encourage you to stop talking about the question at hand for at least a week (or even more)…

turn it off.

…i tell my friends not to email or call unless it is an emergency and i will get back to them after the set date that ends my silence…..this also serves to send the signal that you want people to back out of your business a little…..i find that although my friends have good intentions and really do care and support me in the things i do….having to give them the blow by blow means repeating the same story 5+ times….which means im getting hyped up every time i relive the experience and the stress is compounded and grows exponentially……and because we live in a reality tv society…your life sort of serves as the entertainment for the moment…and it can turn into gossip rather than a real means of figuring things out.

…of course youll think about whats going on…but at least you wont have others prompting you to keep going over it…..

book some time at a spa and get a massage and some reiki treatments or something…(you can also go to the massage therapy schools and its hella cheap)….

go sit in silence in your church or whatever place of spiritual refuge you are comfortable with in the morning when no one is there…and just breathe.

..do some water aerobics..doing something physical is the best way to distract thoughts…(local pools/ymca/university gyms usually have hella cheap classes…like 5 bucks)..

…take the kids to the park….get out of your house…

…whatever you decide to do…tell your ex that you will talk to him after X date and to only call when he needs to speak to or make arrangements to see the kids….then if you can…have your family be there when him comes to pick them up/drop them off and book some time to get your nails done….

if anything…after 2 weeks you may not have all the answers…but youll feel stronger to start the next part of your journey…..

mary ellen pleasants last blog post..Javad Nurbakhsh
Anonoymous

All:

Thanks for the lovely comments and advice. Honestly, I didn’t think that this would even post on this site. I felt like trying somewhere. I accidentially discovered this site – been sharing and viewing it every since. Well, I said to myself, let me see if I can get some unbiased support. You’re right family and friends can only create extra things that I feel I’m not strong enough to deal with at the moment. Let me add alittle more to the topic and answer some of the questions by those who asked them.

Additionally, we have tried to become friends instead of lovers and I thought that would bring us closer and we would eventually get it together. Several phone calls and emails have been exchanged but now I believe he only says what he is feeling at the moment. I do feel like I will not find another to love me and accept me and my kids. I’m staying prayerful and still trying to keep up with my hobbies to take me mind of of things. I still find myself wondering why and how could he do me like this. We’ve been by each other side since we were 14 and I thought you just don’t turn your back on someone like that just because they have did wrong. I’ve done wrong too and things I’m not proud off. We are still young and it took us time to mature and what better things out of life. I’m now 29 and he will be 31 in a few months. I read every comment and took pieces of information from them. Hopefully, I will find the courage to MOVE ON. I’m praying that I will be stronger so when he realizes what he HAD, it will be too late for him. I’m at the point where I will do anything to try and I don’t want to love him anymore. My love is starting to turn into HATE.

As far as some questions, here are my answers: What was his explanation for the affair? We were having problems and he wasn’t happy. Communication was off. Did you catch him in a lie? Yes he insisted it was nothing. They were only friends. Did he come right out and tell you and ask you to forgive him? Within time he said he apologize and will I forgive him. How long had it been going on? The mess have been going on for about a year. Does he truly WANT to work things out? He said he does. I would say his actions or speaking louder than words. Does he still call you/interact with the kids? Yes he still come over and pick the kids up. Is he operating on what’s best for HIM versus what’s best for YOU and the kids? He operationg on what’s best for HIM.

Thanks again for everything. I’ll keep checking back for comments.
http://www.wisdomswork.com Donielle Michele

You can do it girl!!! I can see that you have come a long way from where you first started. Hold on to that and keep on trucking. Someone posted a quote today on my facebook page :” When you feel like you are at the end of your rope, tie a knot in that sucka and hold on!!”

Dear BMWK, Enough is Enough!!!

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