Is it OK To Have a Work Husband/Wife?

Relationships

by Lamar Tyler | on May 7th, 2009 | 19 comments

by Tara Pringle Jefferson

I used to be the worst girlfriend in the world. I would go through my husband’s FB account (that’s Facebook for all you non-addicts. Shout out to Harriet!), look through his recent calls, and check his e-mail if he left it logged in.

Yes, I was that chick. *shudder*

But I’ve since grown past all that foolishness I used to engage in at 18. My husband knows his stuff is safe with me and I won’t go rifling through it the first chance I get.

But there’s one thing I don’t really budge on.

Female friends. I’m not talking about the ones that he grew up with, the ones that cemented their place before I even met him. I’m talking about running into some woman at a work function or someplace, getting her number, making calls and plans to meet and hanging out.

Uh-uh. No way.

But what about co-workers? Is it okay to get a new job, click with a co-worker and then kick it on the weekends with that person? Is it okay if that person is of the opposite sex?

You could argue that it’s good for you to click professionally with people and the relationships you build at the office can catapult your career higher and faster than a slew of on-point presentations. Or you could argue that the type of intimacy that goes into having a “work wife/husband” is inappropriate and detrimental to your marriage? I’ll leave it up to you to decide:

What’s your view, BMWK? Work wife/husband – okay or no?

Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer from Ohio, where she lives with her husband and two kids. Visit her blog, TheYoungMommyLife.com, for daily musings about the issues young moms face.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

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Comments (19)

Lamar Thursday - 07 / 05 / 2009 Reply

Tara that was crazy behavior..lol. And I find it interesting that Harriet's name is now synonymous with Facebook. SMH. Anyway personally I believe in developing friendships at work by I draw a hard line on how far I allow them to go and don't divulge my personal business along the way.
Harriet Thursday - 07 / 05 / 2009 Reply

Man...I thought y'all were my friends. It must be pick-on-Harriet-for-keeping-it-real day. Here I was thinking it was the National Day of Prayer. SMH Seriously, though, I agree with Lamar (only on the second part of his little comment, though). I'm cool with teh people I work with, but it doesn't go past 0800-1700 Mon. - Fri.
Tara Pringle Jefferson Thursday - 07 / 05 / 2009 Reply

@ Lamar - I swear I'm better now! I promise! @ Harriet - You aren't the only addict I know. That's not fair to call you out when it's so clear you're still battling your addiction. LOL. Together, we can kick this habit. Actually, I'm so addicted, the only way I'll stop using it is if they start charging. LOL. Tara Pringle Jeffersons last blog post..Spotlight on teen moms
Harriet Thursday - 07 / 05 / 2009 Reply

@ Tara: Amazing how a bill will get your mind right. LOL!
Nikki Thursday - 07 / 05 / 2009 Reply

It's all good. Women have to stay ahead of the game. I also have gotten better at snooping. I have learned it does not stop anything anyway. We are all adults and if "cheating" is the agenda it will happen no matter on who is snooping on who. I also have learned which actually works TRUST your mate. They will see that the trust you have actually is so important to them, they will at least think twice before misusing that trust. As far as friends of the opposite sex goes. I think it is very immature to think that after we say I do, that our mates will lose any interest in the opposite sex. What is disheartening is the fact that many women do not care if a man is married. Some women only seek married men. Remember Karma is a b----!
Ronnie Thursday - 07 / 05 / 2009 Reply

I am uncomfortable with the whole work spouse thing too...I don't agree with it. However whether at work or not, if my husband has a friend of the opposite sex, that friend needs to be my friend too. By the way, I have officailly kicked my facebook habit...I only sign-on once or twice a week!! (but the real reason is because I am soo busy right now.) My name is Ronnie and I have been clean and free from facebook for 3 weeks.
DA GEORGETOWN MAYOR Thursday - 07 / 05 / 2009 Reply

ABSOLUTELY NOT! IT IS NOT OK TO "HANG OUT" WIT SOMEONE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IF YOURE INVOLVED! THATS THE QUICKEST WAY TO KILL TRUST IN YA RELATIONSHIP! DONT DO IT! OR IF ITS ABOUT THE JOB, TAKE YOUR OTHER WITH YA! WUS WRONG WIT THAT?
Karyn Thursday - 07 / 05 / 2009 Reply

I actually do have a work "husband" & my husband is the one who gave him that title. LOL! In no way is it a disrespect to my husband or my marriage. I work in a small business & the owner & I are close in where we sit & I'm the 2nd person in command on our small ship. There is no disrespectful behavior taking place & both he & my husband know one another well. I also don't have an issue with my husband's female friends, new or old. My husband is one proud married man who wears his ring proudly and proudly introduces me as his wife to EVERYONE! It's funny that you mentioned going through your husband's FB account, my husband shows me all of his friends & their photos, gives me the "friendship history" & shows me the comments they make. Some of his friends from back in the day are just finding out that he's married so they're happy to "meet" via FB. He's also given me his password to his email account & has called me on several occasions to ask me to check it when he's not near a computer. I've never been one to snoop & I've always believed that if there is something I need to find out, God will show me!
Tara Pringle Jefferson Thursday - 07 / 05 / 2009 Reply

Know why I quit snooping and checking all his accounts? One day (back when we were boyfriend and girlfriend) I logged onto his FB account one day and went through his messages like I normally do. I saw a string of messages from some woman I didn't know. So I clicked it and read through the messages. Basically it said: My bf/hubby: what's been going on with you? the chick: nothing much, studying, working, getting ready for graduation, how have you been? haven't seen you in so long! my bf/hubby: yeah, i've been busy with work too. i have a new girlfriend now. her name is Tara. she's great. i think she might actually be the one... I felt SO guilty for snooping at that point. I go looking for incriminating photos/messages and THIS is what I find? Him telling some chick how I might be the one? Wow. God definitely gave me a sign that day! Tara Pringle Jeffersons last blog post..Spotlight on teen moms
Tiffany Thursday - 07 / 05 / 2009 Reply

I'm going to have to go with it not being ok. Most affairs happen in the workplace. It's ok to form professional relationships with the opposite sex at work but as far as giving out phone numbers and personal information no way. I agree with no snooping though. It's not that serious. If a person is determined to cheat they are going to cheat.
NaturalOasis Thursday - 07 / 05 / 2009 Reply

Since we are all confessing I am in the process of kicking my FB habit. It got to the point where whenever I heard that distinct "ding" letting me know that I had a message on FB that I had to drop what I was doing to check it, just to stay in the loop. I corrected that dependency by deleting my yahoo account from my phone. Now I tend to log on less (in the range of somewhere between 5-10 per day)but I am still a work in progress, LOL! As far as office friendships I think it is best to keep it during work hours, be cordial but nip all/any advances as they are presented to you. The last thing that I would want would be trying to avoid someone due to them not getting the hint, be clear when you are voicing your concerns. I personally have so many stories about this very topic. I use to work in Crystal City, VA and I can vividly recall countless conversations that were had at work (in a group setting involving my peers and boss) that should never have been discussed. At the time I started the job I was only 18 and thought it was great being able to express myself as well as my views. Long story short, some topics are not meant to be in the workplace and it is everyones responsibility to maintain a healthy work environment.
Anna Thursday - 07 / 05 / 2009 Reply

I loved your comment Tara. I always think that if you go snooping you will find something that is not what it seems. I am not one to snoop because it takes too much energy and waisted emotion. If someone has not given you any reason to not trust them it can put a strain on a marriage to always challenge where they are and what they are doing. If they are going to cheat it does not matter what you do. As far as the office spouse, you do become a family and know what they like and what they don't like. Yes there are boundaries. The only negative with my job is I am the only employee and the man who pays my salary will call me after hours or on my staycations 3-5 times a day for something to me that is not that serious and can wait until I get back to work. But, I have found that to be in my favor when he has to do my job. It makes him appreciate the work I do when my quaterly "raise" reviews come up. Plus it's nice to have an office spouse because neither of us like to file and he hires my daughter. His daughters are too beneath doing it. More money for my daughter. Or did he expect his daughters to do it for free? LOL. I think an office spouse is automatic being it is my "other home" and you do have to make it work just as in a "real marriage". The only thing is I argue with my "office spouse" and debate with the one I took vows with. But, with the office spouse is ok with me finishing his thought/sentence(s). My real spouse won't let me do that. I can say that both spouses don't forget anything and it is a task that I have learned to balance. BTW, I don't make coffee for the office spouse but 75% of the time hubby drinks it, I made and set the timer for(him). I am sorry my comment is so long. I let my fingers do the walking, just one of those moments once again that my fingers and brain are sitll working as a team. Come on ppl. Don't you sometimes find that you impress yourself with the fact that you can type and the brain keeps up? I am getting older and feel like I have a birthday twice a year but with less presents. LOL.
Anna Thursday - 07 / 05 / 2009 Reply

Sorry about the typos.
dede Friday - 08 / 05 / 2009 Reply

i am a female police officer and i have two male partners who are my work hubands we go through things on a daily basis that me and my real husband will never experince, my relationship with my partners is special and we hang out sometimes. my real husband know them and they know him we all get together and do family things, we have gone to each other weddings. there are times when we disagree like husband and wife but we have to figure it out and quickly.when i am at work we cover each other. we have to have a great relationship like a husband and wife. we call each other when the other one is off. we have jokes that only we relate to. but for me the line is never crossed. i know who my man is.
ruffyy Monday - 11 / 05 / 2009 Reply

Let's think about this for a second. You are spending more time with your co workers than at home. You develope close relationships with people you have really learned to love. You accept these folks for who they are. You may have differences but you manage through the indifferences because your impetus to stay is the fact that you need a job. You share intimacies of your personal home life with them. You may even trust their advice. It doesn't matter that you have a wife or husband at home because they do also. You eat breakfast and lunch together. You may even travel together. If your job has a daily agenda you will think about them at home, while driving to work. You may even call to remind or be reminded. They know your anniversary, birthdays and weekend and vacation inteneraries. They get used to you looking at them. Looking at her butt and other parts. You can comment on what they are wearing and maybe even make suggestions. You may even think you're in love. But when it comes down to it you will eventually find out that he or she is just another man or woman. Different person, same relational entanglements. ruffyy ruffyy@gmail.com
African American Mom Tuesday - 12 / 05 / 2009 Reply

Wow, I have been out for a while but I am loving the comments. Yeah, me to.....no opposite sex friends unless it is my friend too. Shouts out to all my facebook addicts! African American Moms last blog post..Just One of Those Days
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Sunnygirl Friday - 24 / 09 / 2010 Reply

Well, I think it's ok to be jealous if your husband does have a work wife. But if you ever have a work husband, you'll understand this wonderful relationship. It's unique, a work husband is the colleague you work with most if the time and have the most fun with. I used to have one in my last job, which is now over since university starts again. However, we've had a mellow flirting tone and it was jsut great working together. Nothing's happened, just flirting and talking about usual, daily stuff and absolutely synchronal work. Understanding without many words, sharing work like man and woman - it was kind of a physical work.
Sunnygirl Friday - 24 / 09 / 2010 Reply

Once I fell asleep ( in the middle of the night) and he wouldn't wake me up but give me his boiler suit, wake me up shortly before work's over and drive me home. Isn't that sweet? The other, I've had really bad menstrual pain and he brought me some pain killers and some chocolate. You see, a work husband is nice "thing" to have I mean, who does not like to be taken care of and have a caregiver who does NOT tell anybody what you've told him in confidence.