by Eric Payne
Nearly a decade ago, a fraternity brother of mine bitterly confessed that he could not deal with black women. He is African-American by way of the Caribbean. Although I couldn’t say I hadn’t heard this sentiment prior to him stating it, I was intrigued to hear it out loud from someone so close to me.
This same man went on to declare that black women simply had too much attitude — on the bus, at work, in any given situation — just difficult and mean without cause or reason, especially the ugly ones.
A few years later he married a brown-skinned Dominican woman.
I’ve watched many black boys like me grow into men who exclusively date and many times marry whites, Latinos and other ethnicities that are not classically considered “black.” Some have been from the athlete set who are in many instances quietly “groomed” to pursue interracial relationships. Some have been artists who in their pursuit of life without restrictions refuse to be “tied down” to race and culture. But many have been outcasts — those in school who weren’t cool or cute enough, the kind that may have been a little on the chubby side, the ones who weren’t even considered when it came time to go to dances, parties or anything else social. I presume many in this last group might feel they had the last laugh considering the ongoing conversation African American women have today regarding the dearth of available “good black men.”
I was a member of the outcast set. Throughout most of my high school career, during the height of the eighties, I rocked a lopsided ‘fro and Coke-bottle glasses. I had crooked teeth which I hid from everyone by rarely smiling. All of this was attached to a slim body devoid of muscles. Be it snickers shared amongst friends or never being asked to any dances, the sisters made their distaste for me loud and clear.
Maturity has been kind to me. I shed most of my awkwardness as I grew up and as a Chicagoan who immersed myself completely in New York City life after grad school, I gained a savvy that allowed me to reinvent myself from the ground up. I’m happy to say this upgraded me had no axe to grind, no revenge to seek, no penalty to levy, nor any white women to flaunt in the face of my sisters. From my mother to my wife, I’ve never stopped loving the women I’ve always loved: black women.
Because I believe love is blind I don’t pass judgment on interracial relationships. Many of my closest friends and fraternity brothers are of mixed parentage, just as the man who now lives and works at Pennsylvania Avenue. These and many other great and wonderful human beings would not exist were it not for love’s ability to see across the color lines.
But for those who purposely pick and choose in an effort to avoid “difficulty”, the jury is still out. Are black women “difficult?” In a word, yes. They’re built strong, to take very little nonsense off anyone. This oftentimes includes their men. Do they have attitudes? Certainly! Black women have a way of conveying their feelings and emotions in a manner unique only to them. A simple glance can stop a conversation from going from bad to worse and I’ve never met a person who has fared well once a sister moves to put her hand on her hip. At the same time, some of the sweetest sounds I’ve ever heard are ordinary words spoken with the flavor that can only come off a black woman’s tongue.
A bad attitude is just that — bad. It knows no specific ethnicity or gender. This isn’t the same as a woman, particularly a woman of color, conveying an attitude of strength and a passion for whatever they believe in or are fighting for. Too many times the two are mistaken for being one in the same.
Does this mean black women should be docile, unaware and subdued in an effort to avoid this negative labeling?
I sure hope not, because my children need their strong black mother, no different than I needed my own. I need my strong black wife to back me up and hold me down when I’m unable to do so myself. I’m even man enough to admit I occasionally need her to put me in check when I’m running around believing I can do no wrong.
A black woman’s “attitude” is as much a part of her as is her womanhood. It’s what makes her a stand-out amongst the family of women. I’m not going to knock her for it. It just makes me love her that much more.
BMWK what’s your take on the Tude? Is it just a bad rap given to black women, another negative stereotype?
Eric Payne lives with his wife and kids just outside of New York City and writes about married life and fatherhood at MakesMeWannaHoller.com. He also writes a fatherhood column at MochaManual.com. He is the author of I See Through Eyes, a book of poetry and short stories. His short fiction has appeared in Spindle Magazine and DiddleDog Magazine.
{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m with you, E. Payne…if a person cannot handle the ‘tude, then keep it moving. My ‘tude often got me in trouble as an officer in the Air Force, a business run by old white men. But I found more than anything that BEING MYSELF and refusing to compromise my beliefs just to fit in were too valuable to give up just to fit in.
If that fitting in included black men not being attracted to me, then so be it. However, if that fitting in included me vilifying my African American brothers for wanting to date or marry interracially, I didn’t want any parts of that. Growing up in a military community, interracial marriages surrounded me, and–brace yourself–some of my best friends were products of them.
All that to say I think every ethnicity has a certain stereotype about its women. Yet I’ve found that if a person is willing to dig beyond the veneer of what they mistake for an attitude to see the genuine nature of a woman (ANY woman), then they are left without excuse as to why they buy in to the foolishness that all our ‘tudes are created alike.
shoot…taste the rainbow…there’s one in every ethnicity. but if a person insists on picking out the brown and black without even giving them a chance, i really pity that fool.
Thank you E. Panye!
So many times I hear black men complain about the attitudes of black women, yet when they face opposition of any type in “mainstream” society it is black women they look to, “attitude” and all, for support.
If black women come off as having “attitude” maybe it’s because so many of us have had to take the lemons life has handed us and make lemonade; that doesn’t put you in the most pleasant of moods, trust. We make the best out of often bad situations, often raising the very men that later seek out partners of other races. Ultimately, there is nothing we as black women can do about that, nor should we want to; afterall, a black man’s decision to seek out partners outside of his race has NOTHING to do with us; it has nothing to do with our beauty, how we carry ourselves, or ambition. We as black women should continue to focus on continuing to be the capable, gifted and beautiful women God created us to be, and remember that there are black men that appreciate our uniqueness and strength (”attitude”).
The truth is some black women do have bad attitudes. And so do many women of other ethnicities. The problem is it becomes a label for ALL black women but is considered a case by case thing with women of other ethnic groups. That bugs me to no end.
I respect any person’s choice to date whomever they please. It’s their life, not mine. And when I see people together I don’t bother trying to analyze why they are together. It works for them, so let it flow. But when a man completely rules out dating women of his own ethnic/cultural persuasion I think it says more about him than the pool of women. People like that often have issues with themselves.
When you fool yourself into believing the black woman is the source of all problems in a relationship you also fool yourself into believing the non-black woman is the solution. Many guys like that end up miserable because they think the white girl’s skin will make everything all right. I have seen it happen quite a few times. Just because a woman appears to have a more docile attitude doesn’t mean she really does. She could be playing you. And there are women who have docile personalities that are still hell to get along with. The term passive-aggressive comes to mind.
All of this reminds me of what my stepfather told me when I was younger. He said always give the sisters a fair chance. It did not mean I would end up with a black woman. I would just make sure I gave sisters a fair shake when it came to dating. It just so happens I ended up married to a black woman. And I got dissed quite a few times when I was younger too. Thankfully, I did not let bitterness rule my dating choices. If so, I would have missed out on a very wonderful woman.
BMWK what’s your take on the Tude? Is it just a bad rap given to black women, another negative stereotype? It’s just another negative stereotype. period.
Are black women “difficult?” In a word, no. If so, then they’re just as difficult as any other woman.
Every time I hear this attitude issue I really think that people are basing their opinions on very limited life experiences and misinformation. Popular culture continues to spread the black women bad attitude messages ad nausuem. The same thinking that goes into suggesting black women have negative attitudes goes into suggesting black people are more prone to violence and justifies locking them up en masses.
I’ll leave it at that for now.
VEe!s last blog post..Headaches
I forwarding the post to Hank!
Is it a bad rap, a stereotype? Of course it is. But is it one without basis? No. And I don’t have a problem with it. If a Black man, or any man, is going to judge me according to a stereotype, that’s not my issue.
Nelias last blog post..Hank’s Rebuttal : Just Call Me Spock
Thank you E.Payne…I think that this just might have made my day! As I am sitting on my break at work reading this, I am encouraged to know that there are Black men that recognize that something other cultures would consider an attitude can be something uniquely beautiful about Black women. I have learned the hard way that you won’t be able to please many. So as a Black woman I vascillate between having to mean business and trying to keep my mouth shut…lol It definitely is hard to balance feeling like you must always represent so much more because of the color of your skin, but is definitely is encouraging to read things like this!
This truly made me want to holla! Thanks
My friend and I are always called racist because we only date Black men. I want to thank you for your comments. There has been so many times that I have stated that their are a lot of good Bothers that still stick by their Sisters. Unfortunately, you are scattered or married.
The comfort and confirmation in knowing you exist will make the world a better place.
Queen in Cali where interracial dating and marrying is an epidemic.
I always say I am going to import a Brother!…lol
Brotha, this is the most coincidental thing! I just wrote a blog for my website http://www.imahugedeal.com, entitled A.B.W.S. (Angry Black Women Syndrome). It was of course based from the film, ‘Diary of A Tired Black Man’ by Tim Alexander, but I basically wrote about this same exact thing….
I have dated all types of women, my ex girlfriend is Swedish. My son’s mom is African-American, and my first love, was Italian and Spanish. I think that black women are products of the experience of racism in this country and all smaller plots of it. They have an inner strength and outer toughness that makes them truly unique. But at times, they do tend to make themselves unattractive and un-approachable by their displays of emotion. And now, with this “I’m A Socialite During A Bad Economy” movement(I’m from Detroit(lol) it’s really hard out here. I was an outcast too, and it wasn’t until I attended Wilberforce University, that I started having better luck with sisters(that’s where I met my son’s mom).
I can go and on about it, but I love all types of women, but I think sistas will always have my attention and be my kryptonite(lol) Black women are addictive, because they have a style and majesty about them that is unmatched….but some of them DO need to work on their attitudes, because it’s not attractive.
Errrr Latina women have major “tude” as well. This isn’t just a Black Woman/Women thing..I guess for the sake of this website we’ll just say it is…
VEe!
THANK YOU!!! The writers on this site are hilarious..it’s like they are intelligent, but NOT really. The separate-but-equal attitude runs rampant here…disgusting. Does anyone here identify with being an American? A Christian?
Let’s change this site to AmericanAndMarriedWithKids.com OR ChristianAndMarriedWithKids.com
@Rocki – I’m good with BLACKandMarriedWithKids.com but if you create either of the sites that you’ve mentioned I’d be glad to stop by and check them out.
who gives a f**k about some dude that needs to justify his attachment to white women????
(oops…would that be considered TUDE…?….sorry.)
in other news….
how gorgeous did michelle and barack look on their date night in nyc…?…
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/05/30/obamas-date-night-photos_n_209434.html
FAH-LIE!!!!
mary ellen pleasants last blog post..Talk:Track & Field Athlete of the Year
Thanks VEe! I totally agree with your comments. And thanks to E. Payne for writing this.
I would agree with Raven–especially with the example of the brown skin Dominican woman. Latinas/Afro-Latinas are not a passive alternative to Black women. Plus the friend was ‘African-American of Caribbean descent…even how that was formulated seems to set a precedence’ for him being af-am first as viewed by the author of this article but coincidentally him marrying a caribbean woman couldve set a certain line of commonalities that were different from the commonalities between him and the af-am woman. I dont know if I said that super clearly but hope so…nevertheless, still appreciate the article
I really love this. Forwarding this to ALL my friends and family!
Thanks for the article… finally a black man who appreciate the black woman..much love
this is so beautiful and so inspiring, i had given up on black men, to find this, so appreciate finally hearing positive words about us from our black men! thank you
Eric Payne, be my HUSBAND! About time someone told the truth.
“I’m even man enough to admit I occasionally need her to put me in check when I’m running around believing I can do no wrong.”
Wow. Do you reciprocate? Or is this checking a one-way transaction?
Captain Save a Ho.. Oh sure my black goddess, I will clip your toenails.. I will wash your feet with my tongue. Wait, i am tired of beinga slave of strong black woman, I think I will just go find me a good latina or white girl who want to do something nice for me. Sorry strong black girl, you are great sista, but well, I need me a woman woman, not a she-man strong woman.