Struggling With Work/Life Balance

Relationships

by Lamar Tyler | on June 5th, 2009 | 16 comments

blackcouple

by Sherrelle Kirkland-Andrews

@funkidivagirl Just hit me with the reality check that my Work/Life balance game is not tight. Time to make some changes–Yikes

This was a tweet that my husband sent this morning…after the, ahem, “discussion” we had. I imagine that we are not alone and it’s a constant battle for most people, balancing work and home life. Years ago my family was featured on 20/20 about this very subject. We got excited calls from around the country, “Hey, we saw you on television!”, but were they not listening to what we were saying on TV? Yes, we had an adorable son. Yes, my husband had a glamorous career. Yes, we lived a financially comfortable existence. Yes, we were on 20/20. But it wasn’t good, our life.

At the time my husband was an executive at Columbia Records, a position that 3 years prior caused us to pack up our apartment and newborn son and move across the country from California to New York. It was big move literally, financially and emotionally. We were leaving friends who were like family to us and moving to a place where we barely knew a soul. But with our plans for me to be a stay-at-home mom, a huge career defining position and double our combined salaries, we thought it was a golden opportunity that couldn’t be passed up.

To say our life changed overnight is an understatement; my husband walked off the plane in NYC and hit the ground running. Adjusting from a work environment in Los Angeles to one in New York was huge; I like to say that people in L.A. try to work as little as possible, while people in NYC try to work as much as possible. I’m being funny because of course people in L.A. work hard, but the culture of the city is also about enjoying the sun and surf. If they can make the money and still make the beach before sunset, why not? Back in L.A. a late night working meant about 8:00 p.m. and it was rare; in NYC it meant about 10:00 p.m. and it was often–then a bus commute home. In L.A. we took strolls around the block after work and dinner; in NYC I never saw my husband before 11:00 p.m. And I was alone, with a new baby, in a strange city, without friends or family nearby.

My husband adjusted to the grueling work schedule, I adjusted to to not having him around and sadly we both adjusted to doing our own thing. He made a life for himself at work and I made a life for myself at home making friends, getting involved in the community and tending to my baby boy. It worked, but dysfunctionally. I don’t know how to get ahold of the 20/20 episode to show you, but we do not sound happy on there; I talk about how resentful I am and he talks about how stressed he is. It was a recipe for disaster and that’s what happened, disaster.

Fast forward many years to this morning and here we are again. Trade NYC for Atlanta, record executive for digital media influencer, a baby boy for two active growing kids and it’s a different scene, but the same movie. It’s still a struggle to make it all work, although as evidenced by my husband’s tweet, he’s much wiser for the wear and not willing to let us get very far off-track without taking action. The fear of what happened before is too great and too real to take this subject lightly.

BMWK, I’m sure we’re not the only family who struggles with balancing a productive and happy home life with building a career. What does your family do to make sure that you are still connected and growing together, despite the demands of work? How do you strive to give the best to both your family and your career without having either suffer?

Sherrelle is an aspiring writer, wife and stay-at-home mother to two brilliant and beautiful kids (but that is what they call an oxymoron, as she is never at home). Check out her website Funkidivagirl.com, where she gets to complete her life’s mission of saving the world from mediocrity.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

LaKeyshaF

This is very much our lives right now. I’m interested in hearing people’s response to this…

Right now I work 7-4pm and my husband works 3-11pm sun-wed and 7-3 sat.

so you see how our worlds rarely collide. Throw in a 14 month old, tuesday night Bible study, thursday night choir rehearsal (where he’s paid to play and I sing in all 3 music ministries-so theres no skipping out) and you have a reciepe for becoming two ships passing in night.

This has been the schedule since he began his new job in March. I totally want to know how other people are handling this work/home thing!
Cheryl

I am conflicted about this on a daily basis. My husband works every day but Thursday 4pm-midnight, I work M-F 6am-2pm. Add in a special needs 3 year old and a rambunctious 1 year old. We try to get together on Thursdays, at least once a month, just to talk interrupted, never mind the whole “date night” idea! I have had to let some opportunities at work pass me by because it would require more of a time commitment and I just can’t right now. Am I resentful? Some days I am. I work hard, and upward mobility is supposed to be the reward for that, right?
Hubby has also passed up promotion so that he could stay home in the day with our children. I don’t honestly know if this is a lesson in self sacrifice, or a recipe for disaster.
http://blackandmarriedwithkids.com Lamar

I would love to be at work less and at home more or at least to work closer to home so I could get that commute time back and spend it with my wife and kids. This is something that Ronnie and I always talk about and something that’s always on my mind. Juggling work and home is like a job itself. I rush into work in the mornings because I at home trying to steal every last minute before I break out. It’s just crazy.

This is a great post and very real. I can’t wait to hear more responses on how couples handle this.

Lamars last blog post..Things Married People Like To Do: Capital Jazz Fest
http://www.educatedblackman.com steve

A little over a year ago I left a (relatively) family friendly job at a Fortune 500 company to run marketing for a small technology startup. The job took over my life immediately. Worse still, the fact that I couldn’t see it. Many times my wife asked me to put the iphone and computer away, to pay attention, to spend more family time. I told her I couldn’t. Most startups die and I didn’t want my company to be one of them.

The startup did die. I look back now and realize that after taking a huge toll on my life and family, what did I have to show for it? Argh, nothing!

Never again.

..maybe.
http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com Lamar

@Steve – Come on man, maybe? Maybe Steve? Don’t do it, remember in the long run it’s not worth it if you don’t have to do it.
http://www.grumpygroom.com Grumpy Groom

My Bride to Be and I both worked busy corporate jobs, until she lost hers recently due to the recession. In many ways it’s been a blessing. Before, we both always got home late and if we were lucky we had enough energy to make dinner and watch some TV before crashing. Now that I know she’ll be home, I make the extra effort to get home at a reasonable hour, so we have more time together to do little things that we weren’t doing before — like taking walks or enjoying the wedding planning. She’s got several jobs on the horizon now, so things will probably be back to “normal” soon. But as much as we worried about one — or both — of us losing our job in these lean times, I have to admit that I’ve enjoyed the time we’ve gained back in our lives.
http:.//blackandmarriedwithkids.com Lamar w/ blackandmarriedwthkids.com

@Grumpy Groom- That’s how you take something negative and look at the positive side of it. Here’s to hoping that her next gig is flexible.
http://www.momspeacebites.blogspot.com laVender

Family time is very important to us, so we sacrifice a lot to make it happen. An extra job or a higher paying job, overtime or long hours have to be weighed against spending time together. Could we have a little more? Yes. Could we be out of debt quicker if I worked? Yes, but tomorrow isn’t promised to us, so for now…we’ll just do without some things.

laVenders last blog post..A Lasting Impression
MissJay

I lost my job back in April due to the recession. My fiance and I used to take turns cooking dinner. We didn’t have a lot of alone time together as I would be off the weekends and his off days were usually during the week. When I we were off together the kids were home with us. I’ve been working since I was 15 so he told me he wanted me to work on getting my microsoft certs and take as long as I need to. It’s given us more time together and the apartment is cleaner lol. Its hard living off one income but its worth it when you think about the things you do now that you know would not happen if you were both working.
kmh20s

i work in project management, so there is always a surge of hours right before as project is due. the last time it really caused an issue at home. but i had the power to change that. i set strict time schedule for tasks and let a client know early that i have certain commitments (such as not working all weekend) that have to be met. most clients respect that.

my better half works in accounting and when he has extra work he gets up early on the weekends so that he is done by the time i wake up!

but in either case we always make time to email, text, and call while we’re working long hours. if it’s dinner time, instead of eating with the client, he’ll come down and eat with me.

unless its your name on the front door (and even if it is) you have to make time for family. i’ve heard many of my clients say the same thing. that’s when i realized that if my biggest client is telling me that he has to go to to choir rehearsal and tennis lessons, that i should feel free to have the same respect for my own work/life balance.

on the real – if President Obama can take the time out to take his wife to a play in New York, I can certainly make time for my better half as well!
http://www.wisdomswork.com Donielle Michele

Well, I am a Stay at Home Mom of two active little boys (1 and 2). A couple of months ago, my husband and I had a discussion about me going back to work but I wanted to be home with my children until they were schoool aged. So, I decided to start my own business and work from home. It was scary and is still a struggle to make the business successful but it’s worth it. You can’t put a price tag on quality time with your family.
http://coparenting101.org deesha

Date nights! These don’t have to be–probably shouldn’t be!–expensive and fancy. Just sacred time carved in stone in your family calendar at least once or twice a month. It gives you both something to look forward to in the midst of the stress and busyness of daily life.

And don’t sleep on the in-home “date”. Pack the kids up and ship them off to a neighbor’s, friend’s, or relative’s house for the evening, and enjoy some adult home alone time.

deeshas last blog post..Adventures in How NOT to Co-Parent: The Disney-Pixar’s “UP” edition
Precious Diva

My husband and I work two different schedules. I am a morning shift from 8a-5p ans he is 2p-11p…On the weekends we have so much to do we rarely have time for ourselves or the marriage. It gets very hard and rough….
Jonesi

I’m not married yet but this all sounds a little scary when I think about it . I see know I have to be mindful to make quality time a priority – some how, some way, no matter what. Thanks so much for sharing!
Tyrone

Before when we lived in Tampa or Atlanta I commuted an hour and a half I would be home to see the kids have take a bath and get ready for bed. I made more money but my children were growing up without me. Not good. The past is in the past.

Now, my wife has her own business like Donille Michelle. I work 7 minutes away from home. I go home for lunch and I home a decent time for dinner as I work from 7:00 AM to 6:00PM but only 4 days each week. It’s a beautiful thing. But we live in Alaska which the day to day culture is very different than most states.
1PeachyMama

Thanks so much for sharing this! My hubby and I struggle with this regularly. I’m interested to hear the strategies of other married couples/families to stay laser focused on what’s most important. I have to remind myself: People. Before. Things. Thanks again for your transparency!

Struggling With Work/Life Balance

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