(I go t this via email and thought I’d share. Not sure who the original author is.)
If you’re not married yet, share this with a friend. If you are married,
share it with your spouse or other married couples and reflect on it. An
African proverb states, “Before you get married, keep both eyes open,
and after you marry, close one eye.”
Before you get involved and make a commitment to someone, don’t let
lust, desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low
self-esteem make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and
don’t fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as
faults are not really important.
Once you decide to commit to someone, over time their flaws,
vulnerabilities, pet peeves, and differences will become more obvious.
If you love your mate and want the relationship to grow and evolve,
you’ve got to learn to close one eye and not let every little thing
bother you. You and your mate have many different expectations,
emotional needs, values, dreams, weaknesses, and strengths. You are two
unique individuals who have decided to share a life together.
Neither of you are perfect, but are you perfect for each other? Do you
bring out the best of each other? Do you compliment and compromise with
each other, or do you compete, compare, and control? What do you bring
to the relationship? Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past
mistrust, past pain?
You can’t take someone to the altar to alter him or her. You can’t make
someone love you or make someone stay. If you develop self-esteem,
spiritual discernment, and “a life”, you won’t find yourself making
someone else responsible for your happiness or responsible for your
pain. Manipulation, control, jealousy, deceitfulness, neediness, and
selfishness are not the ingredients of a thriving, healthy, loving and
lasting relationship.
Seeking status, sex, wealth, and security are the wrong reasons to be in
a relationship.
Q. What keeps a relationship strong?
Answer: Communication, intimacy (not sex), trust, a sense of humor,
sharing household tasks, some getaway time without business or children
and daily exchanges (a meal, a shared activity, a hug, a call, a touch,
a note), sharing common goals and interests. Leave a nice message on
their voice mail or send a nice email.
Growth is important. Grow together, not away from each other, giving
each other space to grow without feeling insecure. Allow your mate to
have outside interest. You can’t always be together. Give each other a
sense of belonging and assurances of commitment. Don’t try to control
one another.
Learn each others family situation. Respect his or her parents
regardless.
Don’t put pressure on each other for material goods. Remember for
richer or for poorer. If these qualities are missing, the relationship
will erode as resentment, withdrawal, abuse, neglect, dishonesty, and
pain will replace the passion.
Nurture your mind with great thoughts, for you will never go any higher
than you think.” The grass withers, the flowers fades, but the word of
God stands forever. Isaiah 40:8. Shall we make a new rule of life from
tonight?
Always to try to be a little kinder than is necessary. The difference
between ‘United’ and ‘Untied’ is where you put the ?I?. Life is not
measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take
our breath away.
BMWK, is any of this info true? Tell us what was on point and what you didn’t agre with.
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
I broke up with my man a month ago because he said he didn’t know if he wanted to get married. Well I hit the roof after 3 years how do you not know. Well during our break up I did some soul searching and realize Are we ready to get married? I was in an emotionally abusive and controlling marriage for 12 years and still have a lot of pain from that relationship. My man and I have been constantly arguing over the past 6 months over everything. I know I don’t want to live like that again! Recently we got back to together and I made it clear that I want to get married but I feel it is more important to focus on us for now being on the same path. Being able to communicate effectively without screaming or arguing is the first thing. This time around I want to be in a healthy and happy marriage. I feel that all these things mentioned are needed in order for a marriage to be successful. In order to grow as a couple you have to leave the past behind, learn from mistakes, and respect your partner’s thoughts and ideas even if they don’t necessary agree with yours. I am a big believer that if you basic foundation is love you can overcome a multitude of sins.
the difference between United and Untied is where you put the “I”
how profound is that!!
Wow…speechless.
Wow I’m with dede. That quote alone is extremely powerful in its simplicity.
CSs last blog post..I Heart Hollywood Project – Interview
dede said:
the difference between United and Untied is where you put the “I”
how profound is that!!
~~~~~
That was profound. My brain is slow and the only thing I can think of is that there is no “I” in team. We do have to learn how to keep it real and keep it moving. If you dwell on old issues you miss out on being a couple.
Oh..my goodness this article hit home for me. I am not in a healthy marriage after 15 years. The jealous, resentment, the deceit is there. I’m having a difficult moving forward because of all of the deceitfulness, and the cheating. I’ve even devalued myself by stepping outside the marriage and now he’s questioning our 6 month old even though my relationship did not result in us sleeping together. I’ve never been the jealous type and he’s always had a lot of female friends even though I chose to give up my male friends. I’ve always felt that I had to compete with his female friends and that I was never placed at a higher value then them. He’s extremely disrespecful in public..his wandering eye is very obvious even when’s out with the family. He states that I don’t listen to him and his opinion doesn’t count. He wants to feel like the man in his house and feels that he is constantly pushed to the back burner and feels his needs are not being met. He’s a provider. He wanted a family and he got 2 daughters and a dog. I’m responsible for the girls morning, noon and night and never get a moment to even worry about my needs not being met and wind up half the time going to bed and not evening have a bite to eat, but I don’t complain about that. I put on hair pieces for the convience factor, but he wants me to do my own hair, but doens’t help me out? He wants me to cook, but he doesn’t help me out. He wants me to help cut the grass on the riding lawnmower, but he doesn’t help me out? He wants me to drive his pick up truck because he thinks it’s sexy to see a woman driving a truck? I don’t need to at the moment. When I need the truck then I will drive it. And after all of this I still manage to get up every morning and hold down a full time job. I’m not perfect never wanted to be and I have have accepted him for all of his flaws, but I’m at the point where I would rather be single and happy then married and miserable. I’m totally responsible for my actions because I should have spoken up way before the 15 year mark. Always trying not to hurt his feelings, but in return mine got hurt. Oh well I’ll take it as a learning lesson and teach my daughters well.
strawb85 said
~~~~~~~~
If we let them they will. I have been married for 12 yrs. and hubby took me out to breakfast this morning(too bad it was 7 am and I don’t get up that early on my work days, but being it’s Fathers Day weekend I paid and he left the tip). Seems like you are his “door mat”. I will pray for you and continue to pray for my marriage. I know you know the marriage you are in is not healthy. Kids are not dumb and they play off of us. I wish you well and thank you for sharing but you know the circumstances you are in is not right. On a real note. If your friends are true friends they will do for you what my friends did for me(I was not good at picking a mate/husband) Halle Berry said it best. “If there was a room full of men I always chose the loser” I am not saying the men I chose were losers but I needed and asked for help. Hubby was a blind date and I am so happy now. I think you already know you are better than what is present in your life. If you can’t have fun, you get sucked into doomism.
Strawb85
You deserve so much more, your daughters deserve more that is why after 12 years I decided to leave my husband. I felt if he couldn’t value me and what I bring to the marriage that I would start valuing myself. If your not healthy (mentally and emotionally) than you can’t give your family what they need. Marriage is a partnership and your needs are just as important as his. I was miserable for so long, now I am single ( in a relationship) but happy, no its not perfect on the other side but I love me more and know now that I deserve more than to be in some mess! My new motto is to start living and stop just existing. He wants all the benefits of marriage and none of the work. Control is not love. Best of luck on whatever you decide, just know that when the time is right the right man will come along and love and value you the way God intended.