Does It Matter If Women Make The First Move?

Relationships

by Lamar Tyler | on June 22nd, 2009 | 16 comments

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Everyone in my circle of friends knows that I endlessly pursued my husband in college in order to get him to notice me. I was a young’n (barely 18) and if you hear him tell it, he was trying to stay away from me until I was legal.

Looking back on it now, I sometimes wish he had pursued me as aggressively as I did for him. I would walk by his on-campus office when I knew he’d be working just to say hello, I’d go to his room to ask him questions, I asked him out on our first date, etc. I even proposed to him first, which he turned down because he “didn’t think it was right for the woman to ask.”

In most cases in our relationship, I’ve initiated every major step we’ve taken. Not that I pushed him to move in together, or I dragged him to the altar, but I was always the first one to say, “I love your company. Let’s be together” or some variation.

A lot of women don’t believe in being aggressive and prefer it if the man makes the first move or sets the course for the relationship. Some men find it sexy when a woman goes after what she wants and are flattered (and relieved) when they don’t have to make the initial approach.

So what say you: Who made the first move in your relationship? Is that person the more aggressive one in the relationship? Share why or why not.

Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer living in Ohio with her husband and two children. Visit her blog, www.theyoungmommylife.com, to read more of her observations about life, motherhood and love.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

http://blackandmarriedwithkids.com Ronnie

I don’t know if I am just old fashioned..or if I am just not as confident as you Tara… (I think it is a combination of both) But I have always allowed men to pursue me. Before I put my feelings out there on the line, I want to know where he stands first.

When Lamar and I had our first date, I thought it went very well. I thought the chemistry was there and that we liked each other. I think we talked once after the date. But it was almost 2 weeks before he really started to call me again. I think he said something about me not really giving him a signal or indication that I was interested. (But I was interested.) Bottom line is I am glad that he decided to pursue me…or else I would have missed out on my blessing by waiting around for him to pursue me. He’s a great husband.

Ronnies last blog post..Facing Your Fears – Part2
http://harriet-canshesaythat.blogspot.com Harriet

I’ve tried it both ways, and I’ve garnered more reward when the man pursued me. Shucks, I RAN from my husband, but he enjoyed the chase. LOL

I think it depends on both the woman and the man. I just didn’t want a man I could punk out, or a man who was indecisive. The men I pursued in college were just that, and I quickly got bored with them and went from ex to the next.

But I got tired of making the first move. I got tired of using, “Men are intimidated by my drive and assertiveness” cop out as well. I figured if a man wanted me, then he would make it known. Once that mindset took over, men were coming out of the woodwork, and then it was my choice as to who I would pick to have the sole proprietorship of my affection and attention.

Harriets last blog post..The Champion’s Ship
http://www.tifiblogs.com Dee

I made the first move, my husband was interested, but too shy. 11 years later, here we are.

Dees last blog post..Things my mom has sent in a box…
http://singlikesassy.blogspot.com SingLikeSassy

I think it depends on the couple. What’s sugar for one might be spit for another.

For me, it depended on my level of interest. If I was feeling just friendly, I would call or whatever and not think about (or care really) if he thought it was forward cause I wasn’t seeking anything romantic. But the more I was interested in a guy, the less like that I could be, as the fear of rejection came into play. If I liked him, I was more apt to be reserved.
http://www.execumama.blogspot.com Execumama

I agree with SingLikeSassy; it depends. My tendency is to put my feelers out and try to gauge his level of interest. If I think it’s safe, then I might step forward a bit, but not too much because you don’t want to be put on “front street”

Execumamas last blog post..Marley on a Monday
http://caxe.net Caxe

I don’t think I’d want to be with a guy if I had to aggressively pursue him. The way I see it, I need to feel as if I’m worth, at the very least, a little bit of work and effort! I don’t want to be the chaser; I’ve always been the chase-ee. Maybe I’m old-fashioned…or maybe I’m just lazy. LOL.
LaKeyshaF

I’m a straight up punk…I was always scared of rejection (and yes i do know where that stemmed from) but I have always been reluctant to put myself out there…(I’m working on that you guys)

I’m more of the eye-contact-fluttered-lashes-shy-smile-to-show-a-guy I’m-interested kind.
http://theyoungmommylife.com Tara

I put myself WAY out there to let my future hubby know I was interested. But when thinking about it, our personalities are set up for that. I’m very much a “go after what I want right this moment” type of woman, and he is a “I see something I want but I need to be prepared, think it through, make sure it’s right, hem and haw” type of guy.

But for what it’s worth, he did ask me out on a date first.

Taras last blog post..TweetChat Wednesdays
Pantz

Love the blog.

I have blogged on this subject in the past. I’ll tell you I was quite surprised to read (in my blog) that women shouldn’t pursue because it gives men the upper hand.
I”m a little confused by that train of thought. Why is it ok for women to have the upper hand and not men?

Many of us women say we can’t find a man. Well, it’s because we arent’ really looking. We’re too busy waiting for him to tap us on the shoulder. I suggest women start taking the initiative and going after what she wants.
Anna

Pantz said:
Love the blog.

I have blogged on this subject in the past. I’ll tell you I was quite surprised to read (in my blog) that women shouldn’t pursue because it gives men the upper hand.
I”m a little confused by that train of thought. Why is it ok for women to have the upper hand and not men?

Many of us women say we can’t find a man. Well, it’s because we arent’ really looking. We’re too busy waiting for him to tap us on the shoulder. I suggest women start taking the initiative and going after what she wants.
~~~~~~~~
I agree with you.
My hubby and I would have never pursued each other. Had I met him on my own “visually” he is not dark enough or tall enough for what “my type” is/was. I would not have been rude if we were standing in line at a grocery store, I talk to everyone to pass the time. He would not have pursued me because he dated older women. The wine and dine was fun(many years ago) if you like whiney kids and dining with what turned into a family of 5. The moral to my story is. Blind dates can work out. LOL. Plus we were both too old to be the chaser or the chasee.
MissJay

I’m almost just like SingLikeSassy. If I’m not all that interested I’m more outgoing and pursuing. But if I am interested I’m more reserved. My fiancé came after me. I kept telling him I wasn’t trying to be in a relationship until I was emotionally over the last one. Any way I thought it was always a man seeks a wife and a woman chooses a husband?
Sonia

It all depends on the man. I was “with” a man for a short time. He initiated the relationship and one day kissed me to make it official. A few days later,( he says) I kissed him instead of waiting for him to kiss me first. (I don’t remember doing it.) He immediately told every man in his Bible study group and they all came to the conclusion that I was “possessed by demons”, had a demon of “Jezebel”, and was probably a whore. They advised him to get away from me as fast as possible. I was so humiliated, I never went back to that church. I discussed this with other men and women and they didn’t know what to make of his attitude toward leaning in first to kiss. But then I met my husband and he initiated the relationship because I always waited for the man to make the first move (old school?) and we have been happily kissing and otherwise enjoying being married to each other for 22 years.

http://www.facebook.com/tanya.hylton Tanya Hylton

ROFL @ “He immediately told every man in his Bible study group and they all came to the conclusion that I was “possessed by demons”, had a demon of “Jezebel”, and was probably a whore.” That is terrible! I wouldn’t have gone back to that church either!
http://www.facebook.com/tanya.hylton Tanya Hylton

ROFL @ “He immediately told every man in his Bible study group and they all came to the conclusion that I was “possessed by demons”, had a demon of “Jezebel”, and was probably a whore.” That is terrible! I wouldn’t have gone back to that church either!

http://www.facebook.com/tanya.hylton Tanya Hylton

I’ve always felt that I should start how I mean to continue & that men generally appreciate what they work for. I don’t mind being friendly, or maybe taking the first step to demonstrate interest. But after that, I’ve found it’s best for me to hand off the ball and see what he does with it. I shouldn’t be doing all the heavy lifting be myself– especially if I’m looking for someone who can have a leadership role at some point.
Toni

If I were to pursue a man, I’d feel so out of place that it would probably show in everything that I say or do, lol. If another woman who’s comfortable with pursuing a man, did the same thing, it would probably go over well for her. In the end, I think that it’s all in the amount of true confidence that the woman is able to display in herself that makes or breaks the outcome. I’m more confident in the role of ‘being pursued’ than I am with the thought of ‘doing the pursuing’.