Comments on: Everybody Panic: Why Worrying About the Marriage Crisis Won’t Help Black Women

By: Jeannette

Jeannette — Sat, 01 Aug 2009 08:04:03 +0000

Hi Danielle,

I’m loving this article and I’m definitely checking out your blog!

By: JMW

JMW — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 20:31:38 +0000

This is a very interesting topic. I am married (in my first year of marriage by the way) but I married late in life, 34, precisely because I wanted to know who I was and what I wanted before I married. I had a couple of serious boyfriends in my 20′s but I am thankful I didn’t lie to myself about being ready to be married. However, I did make a conscious decision about “letting go” of what I thought “I deserved” in a mate. What I mean by that is that too often black women say, because I have this, he should have that, and if I don’t have kids neither should he, it becomes a tally a list, an accounting of what he “should be.” I have a master’s degree and my husband didn’t finish college (although he is finishing now at 41), I don’t have children but he has two from a marriage and a relationship in his teens. I make more money, I owned a house and he didn’t. I could have said this guys isn’t good enough for me. But what I did say was that I have fun with him, he makes me laugh, I love being with him, he’s cute and sexy, he is ambitious, kind hearted, spiritual, thoughtful, intelligent. He had all the qualities I wanted in a mate but not alot of accolades and material things that I would have liked. This is what I think people mean about being picky. Are you looking at what is on the inside or are you looking at his resume? I am not perfect and i have my faults too and I don’t forget that he’s got to put up with me and my issues just as much as I have to put up with his!

By: JoeBmore

JoeBmore — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 22:15:15 +0000

What always struck me as interesting about these articles. Who is their target audience? Its not the majority of black women.

As much as people love to push out these stereotypes about successful professional black women. The median income for Black women ins $33,000. The median income from Black men is $41,000. None of these numbers is nothing to brag about. But it all adds to the hysteria, and misinformation black women are receiving.

You honestly have black women who graduated from community college. Believing they are too good for black men. I am all for self-esteem boosting. But Black women in America do need a reality check. The Empress is truly naked. They have hyped up black women to have such an undeserved entitlement attitude. That they all believe that they deserve a six figure brotha, or whatever non-black male they can get. Its ridiculous.

I’m not saying to “lower” your standards or take the first guy you meet. But enough with the “on my level” business. Honestly, when single black men hear this from Black women. They think the woman looks foolish.

Now. There are some successful single women. But if you look across the race spectrum. All women who are successful have difficulties dating. Its because the attitude it took for them to become successful. 9/10 is not going to make you a loving partner.

“Men want a wife, and not a business associate.” – Donald Trump

Basically what it boils down too. Men do want to get married. But they don’t want a headache to come home too. Nobody does. That is why the divorce rate is 50%. Women need to basically humble themselves, and chill with the “divaness”. Diva’s aren’t married. So they have to be independent. No man wants to deal with them.

By: reese09

reese09 — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 22:07:27 +0000

I’m 30 years old and I am a victim of the “panic.” I have seen friends and family members in my age range get married. I am always happy for them, but honestly I do feel somewhere deep down inside that I’m afraid that they live something that I may not get to experience.

I read the articles and the blogs and it’s always the same thing: relax your standards. Maybe I’m naive, but I feel that marriage is one of the deepest and most serious commitments you can make. I shouldn’t be advised into relaxing my standards when it comes to something so serious. It’s frustrating because I keep hearing from people who are married (or are heading down that road) that I should give more consideration to someone who may not be what I’m looking for. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those women with a very specific, lengthy list of traits and qualities a man should have. I want the same thing all single women do (caring, sensitivity, intelligence, etc.). To hear people say that even those basic standards may be the reason I’m not married is disheartening.

This article gives a fresh and much-needed perspective.

By: rj

rj — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 16:15:05 +0000

Lamar,
Great question. My first marriage didn’t change my view. I was young and felt I probably got married for the wrong reasons. Now, I am in my mid-thirties and I want to get married again. I feel that I know more about myself and I know what I need and what I will and won’t compromise. Everyone who knows me ask after a messy divorce why would I want to get married again? First, I believe in marriage and have been witness to a lot of good marriages, I know these marriages didn’t get to where they are over night. I feel the first time I cheated myself. I think the second time I will be a lot more realistic. I can’t let past hurt and pain dictate the rest of my life and the happiness I could have.

By: Nelia

Nelia — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 15:22:30 +0000

Allygyrl702 : You know, it never occurred to me the "we" (we being African-American women) might actually hold married women in higher regard than single. But, more often then not, you're right. When I think back to my last family reunion, many of the married women were flashing their most recently acquired "husband baubles." It seemed they were more interested in competing in the 4 Cs rather than relish the sincerity of the sentiment behind the bauble. And women without a husband bauble? It was clear they couldn't even enter the competition (even if they had acquired their own baubles). I suppose this tendency isn't specific to our community, but given the perceived "Panic," the competition seems to be more fierce. Harriet : Amen. VEe : Making your own world? I couldn't agree more. Nelias last blog post..Free Dance Lesson

By: Lamar

Lamar — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 14:28:10 +0000

@rj- did having your first marriage not work out change your view on marriage? Lamars last blog post..Daily Inspiration 06/24/2009

By: rj

rj — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 13:44:29 +0000

I don’t buy into the statistics. The first time I felt I rushed into marriage and married the wrong person. I feel that when its your time God will allow the right man to come along regardless of what statistics say. Marriage is too important to be taken lightly.

By: T. Rogers

T. Rogers — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 23:16:15 +0000

A couple of my wife’s friends have talked to me about this very thing. I guess they wanted a man’s opinion. This article sums up what I have told them. Women should never let statistics and what not dictate their mood or decision making regarding something this important. If I bought into all the so-called stats about young black men I would have never made a decent life for myself. Sometimes those things can become a self fulfilling prophecy if you let it.

By: VEe

VEe — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 22:12:32 +0000

I particularly like what Nelia said, “If I hold my self in high esteem, then the world will follow my example.” I think that sums it up. You can make the world, your life however you choose to fashion and color it. What’s happening in your life is a huge reflection on your personal outlook.

People buy too much into the world outside of themselves, statistics and op-ed pieces that often reflect the reality of other folks. There are some people with really great, secure jobs that are preoccupied and worried about the recession. I’m not sure if they’re directly affected by it at all.

Fixing the things about yourself you think you need to improve and learn to love the things about yourself that are intrinsically loveable. Be happy. Be at peace. Don’t be desperate or angry or sad. None of this will help you.

. . . cool piece.