Can You Be a Great Parent But Not a Great Spouse?

Parenting

by Lamar Tyler | on June 29th, 2009 | 18 comments

bladkdad

by Tara Pringle Jefferson

Once, my dad and I were in the car, listening to Eminem of all people. He was singing some song about his daughter, Hailey.

“He really loves that little girl,” I said to him.

“Yeah, but didn’t I read somewhere that he has a song about killing her mom?” my dad (who considered himself “hip” because he read my old issues of The Source).

“Um…yeah.”

“Well, how is that healthy then?”

“But he’s a good dad,” I insisted. (Don’t judge me – I was only 12 or 13 at the time.)

“But he’s a horrible husband. That will affect his daughter,” my dad insisted.

I didn’t really understand how the two issues meshed. Having grow up and now with two kids of my own, I get it now.

My husband is a better father because he is a great husband. My kids will benefit from seeing how he treats me and vice versa.

But let us know your thoughts. Is it an either/or situation? Can a man (or woman) be a great dad (mom) but a not-so-great husband (or wife)? What does one necessarily have to do with the other?

Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer living in Ohio with her husband and two children. Visit her blog, www.theyoungmommylife.com, to read more of her observations about life, motherhood and love.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

http://www.martyblogs.com Martin

I agree with your dad. We’re modeling for appropriate behavior not only as fathers but also for future expectations on what our daughters should look for in a guy.

The way we treat mom is the model. I’d say the proof is the many examples that you can hear from women making bad life decisions who say they weren’t raised by their dads and wish they had been so that they would have had better life instruction about men and other life situations.

Glad to see you guest blogging. Going to surf over to your site now.

Martins last blog post..White Power!, White Flour?
The Great Debater

Your dad is completely correct. When children are involved, being a great spouse and being a great parent are equally important. When parents cannot respect each other as husband and wife, the children are definitely affected, if not while they’re young, once they reach adulthood themselves.
Harriet

All I can do is cosign with your pops (LOL @ reading the old issues of Source), Martin and the Great Debater.
Anonymous

I’ll remain anonymous on this post because it touches on some delicate issues for me. I would agree in a certain sense, but there are all kinds of twists to this situation. My parents remained married until my father’s death several years ago. My father was awesome – supportive of us kids, hard worker, disciplinarian. There was no sacrifice that he wouldn’t make for us (mom included). He was a leader in our church. He was also gay.

Needless to say, this created problems in the home. My mother was understandably not happy, and her misery infected everything that we did. She berated him constantly. She eroded the natural father/daughter relationship that I had with him. She threatened to expose him to the church. She undercut him at every turn because she hated that he “tricked” her. But, she never divorced him. I could write a novel on all of the turns their marriage took, but no need to get into it now. He’s gone from us, and it took about 2 years after his passing for her to even admit what a great dad he was. According to her, she always (not!) said that my dad was a “great father but lousy husband”. I remember when I was about 12, and my mom was confiding in me like I was her age, my dad saying to her that one day we kids would understand fully what she was doing and that we wouldn’t approve. I didn’t get then, but at 30 I understand exactly what he was saying. It’s complicated. My father engaged in deceit so that he could live the “normal” life he had always wanted, which put my mom in a bad position. The resulting turmoil in our home was awful. That makes him a bad husband. But he was a wonderful father, and he is the standard to which I hold the men who try to come into my life – at least in terms of how they treat me. I couldn’t find fault with his dad skills if I tried. And, in the end, his daily treatment of my mom was not disrespectful. His presence in her life, however, was.

So like I said initially – this issue is more complicated than you would think!
http://www.blackwivesclub.wordpress.com Tiya

Tara, I also agree with your father. In order to be a great parent, you must consider your children at all times, especially in terms of the behavior you display (in regards to how well you treat other people including your spouse).

Tiyas last blog post..My Momma & My Man
DEDE

@ANONYMOUS
YOU SHOULD WRITE THAT NOVEL ABOUT YOUR LIFE AS A CHILD GROWNING UP IN THAT SITUTATION. I WOULD READ IT. YOU NEVER KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE YOU COULD REACH, AND TEACH TO WITH YOUR BOOK!!
I NEVER KNEW MY FATHER HE WAS GAY ALSO. HE HAD A WIFE, AND TWO KIDS. HE DIED IN 2000. MY HALF SISTER TOLD ME AFTER HE DIED. ACCORDING TO HER HE WAS A GREAT DAD. ACCORDING TO ME HE AS A NONE-DAD.
Anonymous

Dede – I can’t believe how cathartic just that little post was. The topic definitely deserves to be explored.
http://mominthecity.com/ Kimberly/Mom in the City

I think that the ideal (for me anyway) is for each person to be a great spouse AND parent. (I really feel blessed that my husband is wonderful in both areas.) However, I know several couples in really bad marriage situations/on the verge of divorce who still each make their kids a priority/are wonderful parents to their kids.

Kimberly/Mom in the Citys last blog post..$100 JCPenney Baby Registry Gift Card
Anna

Can You Be a Great Parent But Not a Great Spouse?
~~~~~~~~~
Yes you can. There are many parents that worry so much about the wants and needs of the kids that they forget about the wants and needs of their spouse.
LaKeyshaF

No you cannot. Parenting, as someone mentioned, is MODELING good behavior and values. Here are just two of the things that parents teach their children when dealing with their spouse:

1. How to interact with their peers(i.e. being considerate, yelling/cursing as a way to solve problems, working together, accountability etc.)

2. How to treat your spouse/ girlfriend. this is MAJOR. even besides tv kids will learn about relationships by watching their parents. A father shows his children what to look for and expect in a spouse and what is ACCEPTABLE by what he does to their mother. And the same with mothers.

Kids do not react to do as i say and not as I do. You cannot be a good parent if you are not a good spouse.
http://itssonicetobenice.wordpress.com Danielle

Good discussion. I just want to add my two cents. I’ve enjoyed reading all the comments, but modeling acceptable or correct marriage behavior doesn’t necessarily mean that the spouse is actually being treated well. Many people become full-time actors and actresses in their marriages and everyday live.

In regards to the original post
http://itssonicetobenice.wordpress.com Danielle

In regards to the original post and how the two relate to one another, I think good parenting and a good marriage are just demonstrations of love for yourself, your children, and your spouse. Like others have said, a solid marriage provides a good foundation for children and proper modeling. On the same token, good parenting doesn’t only benefit the child, but provides consistency, structure, and a source of pride for the entire family structure.

Danielles last blog post..Used vs. Loved
BisforBri

I’m unmarried to my co-parent. He is a great father and a wonderful co-parent, we simply fail at maintaining a romantic relationship and as such will remain close friends and co-parents.

I think the mother/father relationship is important for children to observe. However, I don’t believe that the relationship between two parents needs to be romantic to demonstrate a healthy dual parent family for the kids.

I think what is important is that children see their parents respect each other and care for one another like family. They should see you communicate and make decisions for the good of the whole.
http://loridjohnson.blogspot.com Lori

Lots of interesting comments. In Eminem’s case, I think his inability to treat any of the women in his life (mom, ex-wife, etc) with any amount of respect says a lot about his true regard for women and reflects upon his own character (or lack thereof, as the case maybe). Can a person like that truly be a good parent? From a distance, maybe . . .

Loris last blog post..
http://www.wisdomswork.com Donielle Michele

This question is hard to answer because being a “good” father and “good” husband is very subjective. There is no set standard for the two. As far as Eminem goes, we don’t know what went on in his life for him to get to that point. We all know his “baby’s mother”, Kim, was no whistling Dixie her self. I wouldn’t doubt for two seconds that he doesn’t love his daughter or that he is a “good” father. If being a “good” husband determined who a “good” father is the the same could be said about a “good” person in general. Think of someone that you don’t like or feel is a “good” person. Now do you think that it is fair to say they are a bad parent because of this? I’m almost 100% sure there is someone in everybodies life that doesn’t like them or think they are that great of a person. Would you want them to then assume you are not a great parent that would give the moon and stars to your child? Like I said this question is very complicated and I don’t feel that being a “good” husband is ANY indication of one being a “good” father. The story (so bravely told) by Anonymous is an example of how difficult this question is and I commend them for sharing.
Tanairy

I am actually living in a similar situation right now. My father has been emotionally abusing my mother for many years now behind closed doors. He treats her really badly yet with my sister and I, he tries to be the best dad ever. My father thinks that my sister and I don’t know anything abbout what happens behind scenes. I’m actually really confused becuase I want to hate him but at the same time he has never done anything bad to me. I think he would make a better father if he was a better spouse because it scares me to know that he pretty much has double personalities, which makes me afraid of him.
http://twitter.com/keelola mandee e

The ideal is to actually be a spouse first and a parent second and to be great at both. HOWEVER, the society that we live in today is not rooted in the same morals as our parents were. Simply because too many people are having children first and then considering marriage as an option, if at all. Under those circumstances, you discover that sometimes you are better off being a co-parent and being involved and staying positive than if you were to maintain an actual relationship with the mother/father of your child/ren. Although we would love to have more visible and great marriages, we don’t due to the lack of importance of marriage and vows, etc. Too many children are being raised in single parent households with negative words being spoken about the absent parent in one form or another. I wish I could give a cut and dry answer but this is not a black and white answer as some of us may think – this is one of the gray areas that we have to find a solution to and fast.
Awa2005a

my sons are doomed…