Question: How Did Your Parents Shape Your Marriage?
30 June 2009
698 views
12 Comments
BMWK family here is a question for you. How did you parent’s marriage or the fact that they weren’t married factor into to the current relationship that you find yourself in?
(No Ratings Yet)
Loading ...
My parents never married each other but they married other people and have been married for years. IMO their marriages weren’t the best model for me. Growing up I saw that and wanted something different for myself. Thankfully I was blessed with a wonderful partner in my husband who wants the same things as me.
My parents divorced when I was 11, and it was the most traumatic thing to ever happen to me. As a kid, I didn’t understand because they never argued in front of me, so I didn’t understand what the problem was. They were just married on day and split the next. I did not have counseling to get thrpough it back then, so I spent the next 10+ years dealing with it internally until I learned I could get some help to deal with it and realize it was not my fault. As a result, I am working extra hard on my marriage to make sure my kids never have to go through that. I also think it is healthy for my kids to know that their parents can make mistakes and disagree, and then make up. Today, my Mom had been happily remarried for almost 17 years, and she has a very healthy relationship. I see her marriage to my stepdad as a parallel role model for me and am learning a lot from them as I go along.
@busybodyk - So do you think that seeing their marriages as not the best model for you influences you in your marriage by trying to make sure you do things differently perhaps?
Lamars last blog post..Question: How Did Your Parents Shape Your Marriage?
hmm…well, my husband and i were raised totally different. my parents were married 28 years before my pops died. my husband never laid eyes on his father, and his mother married and then divorced from a very abusive relationship.
i would definitely say that both have had an influence on our marriage. negatively, my husband was forced to survive and fight for the basics. everything was given to me (or had the potential to be given to me) on a silver platter.
positively, his ability to survive has given me a strength in difficulty that i never experienced before. and my willingness to work and grow through issues have definitely helped.
it’s been an interesting ride, and i’m loving it!
Harriets last blog post..Hatch or Go Bad!
To be honest I fell in love and from then on life got a little confusing for me. My mother never married yet had three children by my father. Though I love my father, it is no secret the major issues I have with him as such. I grew up admiring the indepence my mother had living her life. It was all I saw, all I knew and though I always said I never wanted to be a single mother, being a wife was never a goal…yea I know it doesn’t make sense but that’s how my brain functioned for so many years. All the women I loved and admired weren’t married either. Yes I did date but being totally tied down was a major anxiety of mine - still is, but as an almost married woman, for completely different reasons. I met my fiance when I was 19yrs old and I was never the get around type so it was more natural than expected to settle down and focus on him. But after I said yes to his proposal it has been an interal struggle for me lately. I don’t talk about it because no one seems to understand what I mean or where I am coming from. I have absolutely no regrets saying yes nor do I have any doubts that I could love and honor him for the rest of our lives…I just worry about whether a different person will take the place of the man I fell in love with at some point and I end up let down and left to pick up the pieces like the other women in my life have been.
I do not think anyone is perfect but I just never felt relationships were worth the tears, stress and anxiety I see many women go through. I don’t have a fear of being alone and I just really subconsiously accepted that as a possible outcome and I took pride in not needing a man, not tolerate of the misuse and abuse of my time, love and body.
But it seems alot of the married people I (stopped) talking to have this wierd philosophy that I’m not sure I’m willing to adapt. It’s as though some people are ok with being unhappily married and I don’t understand that. Yes I do believe marriage is a lifetime commitment and while I am ready and willing to adhere to that, I’m never willing to stop living for anybody. I don’t know what I fully mean by that but I just pray that the man I believe God sent to teach to love unconditionally and freely will never turn into the typical man I was willing to spend my whole life avoiding
My parents have been married for 30 years, and at least partially UNhappy for a minimum of 20 of those years. Since my sisters and I have all left home I really can’t understand why they are still married other than sheer habit. Their relationship most definitely had an impact on my approach to dating and my view of my own marriage now. They showed me what I DID NOT want to be. But I also learned that because my parents did not have a happy marriage, I never really had an opportunity to see what a happy marriage looks like, I never had an opportunity to learn how to be married, and now most of the time I feel like I’m just making it up as I go. My husband’s parents have been married for nearly 50 years and I would surmise that their marriage hasn’t been pure bliss either, even though they never argued in front of their children (something my husband points out to me all the time) at some point his father left their home and had a relationship with another woman resulting in an outside child–so obviously they were having problems. So needless to say he didn’t have the best role models either. I don’t blame my parents for the effects their strained relationship had on me and my sisters, now that I’m an adult I can see they were just making it up as they went along too (they didn’t have the best role models either). I feel all my husband and I can do now is be mindful of where we came from and stay committed, not just to each other, but also to making each other happy. I want to bring joy to his life and make it a better place and he wants to do the same for me. With the help of God and good relationship books and websites like this that make me think about things regarding marriage that I might not have otherwise thought about, I think we’ll be okay. Its not where you started, its where you finish.
My parents marriage as short as it was, taught me to marry who you love. You are the two in the marriage and outsiders are just that “outsiders”. The rest eventually come around. My moms mom even ended up marrying a black man herself and after he died she shacked up with another black man for many years. LOL. I love the saying “If You Can’t Beat ‘Em, Join “Em”. My mom was the rebellious Catholic School teen. It’s ok her first daugher was the Public School rebellious child. Payback really exists. LOL.
Long story short, my parents have taught me what NOT to do in a marriage. They divorced when i was 6 years old.
Well my parents were married for 10 years before they divorced and it was a happy day for me. My father had abused my mother and me for the duration and she gathered the strength to get out of a dangerous situation. My wife’s parents never married and they were involved in volatile relationships that included violence and drug abuse. I have been married to my wife for 12 years and we have been through our ups and downs like every couple but the difference is when the arguments get too heavy we will walk away and revisit later. Our children have heard us argue before and I think that it is OK because I don’t want them growing up with a false sense of reality that marriage is easy and also just because a disagreement comes up that it does not mean we are divorcing. We maintain a happy home by respecting each others feelings and understanding that we did not grow up with positive role models, but, not using it as an excuse to make bad decisions. My daughters are watching me in the way I interact with their mother and how I treat her. I truly love this beautiful woman and I understand that she cannot be the best for me and our children if I beat her and bring her down. The biggest compliment I have ever received came from my mother and she told me that I became the man/husband/father that she always wanted to have for herself.
Smart Mouth said:
Our children have heard us argue before and I think that it is OK because I don’t want them growing up with a false sense of reality that marriage is easy and also just because a disagreement comes up that it does not mean we are divorcing. We maintain a happy home by respecting each others feelings and understanding that we did not grow up with positive role models, but, not using it as an excuse to make bad decisions. My daughters are watching me in the way I interact with their mother and how I treat her.
~~~~~~
I agree with you about this. Pops and I have never hid an argument from the kids. I call it dabating but it is important for kids to see two ppl who love each other disagree/agrue/debate. Kids have to see parents argue in order for them to grow up with a sense of reality. Many young adults don’t know how to argue. They want to physically fight, or just get so fustrated that they don’t even try to save a realtionship. I know women older than me who are single because of commitment issues. This stems from childhood. We teach our kids to walk away from an argument but some parents don’t teach their kids the survial skills necessary to end an argument. It’s alright to tell our kids that sometimes it’s ok to just “shut up” and move on, 9 times out of 10 it’s not that serious. Everybody wants to win an argument. I taught my kids that it’s not about winning but resolving, even if that means agreeing to disagree.
My parents were married for 39 years, it only ended due to my fathers passing of cancer in Nov 08. What I learned is forgiveness, long suffering, and true love. I watch my parents go through the thick and thin, good health and bad. When there was an problem my parents worked through it, Even that time when my mother maxed out the visa card three weeks before school started,and she had not got our school clothes yet. But she had to tell him before the bill came in the mail. He yelled,boy did he yell, but we had school clothes and supplies. I do not hide anything from my husband, I make my word my bond.
My parents marriage was quiet strange they loved eachother so much my mother was stunning my father was handsome and had it all car house money and a great job. My parents families got involved in our family as they wanted money and depended on my father. My parents divorced and my father kept us 4 children. I love my father to bits and I love my mother but I grew up hating my extended family like aunts, I feel they were responsible for the breakdown of my parents marriage just so they could use and control my father and mother. My parents marriage has thought me never let outsiders interfer in your marriage and how you raise the kids etc, and to identify a pottential nosey hater with your partner as they attack
Leave your response!
Amazon.com Bestseller!!!
Recent Posts
Daily blast with what's new on the site!
Categories
Recent Comments
Most Viewed
Highest Rated
2009 Top Commentators