For the Record
by Harriet
Lately I’ve been making a conscious effort to adjust my attitude towards my husband. I’ve been rude and contentious; a real bear to live with. It’s made my family miserable. So I’m seeking to transform and totally adjust how I relate to them. The only problem is the fact that I have a track record standing in my way. Not my own, but my husband’s.
When we were courting before we got married, we promised each other that we would exemplify 1 Corinthians 13 towards one another. That’s much easier said than done, especially when looking at the criteria true love entails. LaKeysha laid it down perfectly in her commentary to E. Payne’s “Love in the Fast Lane” article last week. But let’s break it down just a little more:
Love is patient: Check. I’ve been patient and willing to give space where space is needed.
Love is kind: Check. I’ve always been a giver, and my marriage is no different. I like to shower my loved ones with kindness.
Love holds no records of wrongs…I can’t even get halfway down the list without falling short. Lord, have mercy! A record is something that recalls or relates past events. At first, I thought this concept had to do with forgiveness. My husband and I practice forgiving one another on a daily basis. Marriage requires it.
Nevertheless, every time an argument arose, or we entered into our decision making process, I found that there was a constant nagging in the back of my mind. Some of the decisions he has made have been some doozies! And I’ve kept a record of them, regardless of the fact that I’d forgiven him.
Am I saying that in a married relationship, we should overlook certain things for the sake of not holding records of wrongs? Certainly not! If a spouse has a pattern of breaching trust or being irresponsible, it is not only advisable, but imperative that the issue be addressed. The pitfall I fell into was failing to see how my husband had changed and matured. I would always call back to my memory the time this decision failed, or that business deal fell through. I would think of the long term ramifications of the choices he made that he thought would only affect him, but ended up having detrimental consequences for our whole family. No matter how many times I forgave, I NEVER forgot, and when it was time to make decisions, our arguments became historical, not hysterical.
As the years went by, he began to employ more wisdom and seek the counsel of trusted mentors for both professional and personal issues. The decisions he made began to take on an air of authority that I wasn’t accustomed to. But because I had more faith in him remaining the same as opposed to changing, that made it all the more difficult for me to accept the direction he wanted to take our family in.
I kept mental notes of wrongs and used them as a track record to hold against him if we had to make a major decision regarding our family. I had to learn to receive the fact that he had changed, and although a situation may look similar to one that took place in the past, it still was important for me to look beyond the track record to the transformed man he had become. Now MY track record for keeping records of his wrongs is starting to change. Maybe now I can actually move on to exemplify the rest of First Corinthians 13 without getting hemmed up at the third requirement.
What about you, BMWK? Have you ever found yourself in a position where you didn’t appreciate or trust the positive growth your spouse was making? How did you resolve it? Is there any other characteristic of First Corinthians 13 (patience, kindness, honesty, supportiveness, loyalty, hopefulness, willing to endure, not holding records of wrongs, not envious, proud, rude, selfish, hot tempered or evil) that you did not exemplify at one point, but had to work on it?
God bless!
~ Harriet
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