by Eric Payne
Sometimes I miss being single. When you’re single…
- you don’t have to answer to anyone.
- you don’t have to argue with anyone.
- you don’t have anyone to argue with you.
- you can sleep as late as you want.
- you don’t have to stay up to make sure no one is up past their bedtime.
- you don’t have to consider anyone other than yourself.
- you only have to clean up after yourself (if you clean up).
- you are the only one who suffers from your mistakes.
- you are the only one to blame when things go wrong.
- you don’t tire as easily.
- your spirit of adventure is self-perpetuating, or at least it should be.
- you have the time and opportunity to learn the full ins and outs of the person in the mirror.
- life is what you and you alone make it.
- you can save a lot of money, or you can spend a lot on yourself.
- going to church, working out, having hobbies, donating time and service to others, reading a good book, truly maintaining friendships are all things you can fully devote yourself to.
This list can continue on indefinitely depending on your point of view, but to sum it up, life as a married person is just different than that as a single one.
But should it be? If there’s anything to be learned from the recent and sudden death of Michael Jackson is that the dash — the little mark that sits between your start date and your end date — is what truly matters. And there is plenty to be done.
- As a parent, you love your children unconditionally, but do you love your fellow man?
- As a husband or wife, you pledge for better or worse, but when things get worse do you get better?
- When life has you beat down telling you, “You can’t,” do you fight back, or do you lie down and accept the fate someone else has put on you? Because barring sickness (and sometimes even then) it’s always someone else (PS – the insecure you is someone else, too).
- When you look in the mirror (beyond how fine you might think you are) is the face looking back at you yours? Do you even know who you’re looking at?
- When you go to bed at night do you sleep heavily because you’re exhausted from pouring your blood, sweat and tears into the day?
- When you’re not satisfied with your life do you sketch out a game plan for success or do you resort to complaining?
- When you just can’t do it anymore, do you fall down on your knees and ask God for His strength to flow through you?
These are a mere few things that add to the richness of a life and can take a lifetime to achieve. And like the first list, it can go on indefinitely.
I know the grass isn’t greener on the other side. It’s just different. As a single person, there’s definitely more time to mow the lawn over there than over here in the married with kids lane, but we all have lawns. Tending to your lawn might take a little longer, require some real creativity, and be more challenging than anticipated, but you can make it as healthy, green and lush as you’d like. If it ends up a field of rocks and weeds, that’s on you.
Check Eric out at MakesMeWannaHoller.com where he tackles family and fatherhood one day at a time. He is also the author of I See Through Eyes, a book of poetry and short stories.
{ 19 comments }
E. Payne, you’ve done it again, man! This was so thought provoking and inspiring!
I especially liked, “As a husband or wife, you pledge for better or worse, but when things get worse do you get better?
When life has you beat down telling you, “You can’t,” do you fight back, or do you lie down and accept the fate someone else has put on you? Because barring sickness (and sometimes even then) it’s always someone else (PS – the insecure you is someone else, too).”
Lately, my mind has been drawn to whether or not I’ve grown through these turbulent times. They are, quite possibly, the worst of times, yet the inner workings of my marriage are at their best of times. Amazing. Miraculous. All GOD.
Harriets last blog post..Get in Line!
Thanks for this piece. Like you said, the grass isn’t greener on the other side. The problem ,however, is that we think it is, which often results in dissappointment, self-destruction, and unnecesary competition.
What I like about the post the most is that you’re encouraging us to ‘bloom where we’re planted,’ and stop worrying about what coulda, shoulda, or woulda happened if only I were single, married, rich, poor, famous, etc…..just work with what you got!.
Danielles last blog post..Popping the Question on Twitter
Loved it!
This post was quite inspiring. I am unfortunately going through a divorce and I have been questioning whether I can go on by myself raising my kids. Just when I think that the absolute worst is happening to me, I remember that I need to fall on my knees and ask for more strength to continue on day by day. My new focus is on me being the best servant of God, mother, friend, etc. that I can be. Agains E.Payne, you have struck the nail on the head.
Loved your post. It was very real and I will pass along to my husband to read. The bottom line is that after you make that commitment, “till death do us part,” a real man stays! As women and wives, we need to validate our men daily and thank them for staying. God bless you.
I’ve been away for a couple of weeks sorting through my own personal trials and tribulations. Thank you for the comments and I’m blessed to be able to inspire with the words God gives me from time to time.
Erics last blog post..Lounging
Hey.. this was good stuff E. Great ending.
The 2nd set of questions seem a bit misplaced to me… Like I didn’t get the point of some of them… rather.. just didn’t mesh well with what ‘I’ thought the theme/topic is. Some other point to it all?
I won’t it’s greener either.. that’s only the reflection of the light since we’re looking from far off… both side experience that.
Awesome post homie!
KJ
King Jamess last blog post..with the LINES
King James – yeah I extracted pieces of this from something else I was working on I while ago. My point was that while sitting on this side of the fence if you’re admiring the other side (and wasting time), there’s plenty you can be doing to keep yourself busy and rich.
Actually, now that I’m responding to you — what I just wrote fits pretty nicely before the 2nd set of questions.
Anyway, glad you liked.
Thanks,
E.
Erics last blog post..Lounging
Thanks for the clarity E. Keep up the fantastic work.
King Jamess last blog post..with the LINES
Please read “An Attitude of Love” by Samuel L. Brown, MSW
Visit:www.accreistrepublishing.com
An Attitude of Love: On life and relationships
Great Article E! Great questions to ask of ourselves!
Tiyas last blog post..Admit It!
This was a great post. Being I did not marry for money but “spouses with benefits”..LOL, I can honestly say that for me marriage is a plus. I love to have someone to debate with, someone concernd about me and we(us). I would not choose to be single. For one I am too old to be in the dating singles game. I don’t want my marriage to be so comfortable that I(we) just go through the motions. If I look across the fence and see a motorcycle, a pool and more big screen tvs than I have, so what. I know anyone can have that. Plus the motorcycle next door is not a Harley. lol.
After getting married it’s a take it or leave it, or just love it . But we choose to stick with it. Good bad, ugly, poor, fun. It is what it is. It’s called” It’s not all about you anymore. “I” does turn into “us”. Kids, bills, jobs, and chores.
For those going through a divorce, It is much harder when kids are in the picture but it is important that you share what good things you had with your spouse vs. putting the “other parent” down. The grass always looks more green when you look across and forget to water your own. I try to make sure I water mine. Material things don’t mean a thing if you can’t/don’t appreciate them together. I do love a green lawn in my own yard, and hubby keeps it green for all of us.
This is a great post. I too reflect on being single from time to time, but as I mentioned in a post that I wrote, I enjoyed my single life to the fullest. Even though I reflect on it, I’m at a point where I don’t want it back. I enjoy being a mom, step mom and wife. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I think it’s very important to really enjoy your time being single so you can really enjoy your time with your family.
Felicia – I Complete Mes last blog post..Wordless Wednesday
Cool questions, cool questions.
VEe!s last blog post..The Brown Hornet is the Best Dressed Hero
I am sick of being single!!!!!!! I’m wondering am I doing something wrong here??? WHy is an ambitious Godly good looking man so hard to find????
shontae said:
I am sick of being single!!!!!!! I’m wondering am I doing something wrong here??? WHy is an ambitious Godly good looking man so hard to find????
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LOL. If you want us to disect, I mean discuss why you are single give us more info. Where are you looking, Is your biological clock ticking and you tell the man on the first date, are you looking for a man in a club/church or not looking but waiting altoghter? This is by all means not addressed to you necessarily but makes for a good post. I am sure your question is the same question many singles have. Just my fYI: I know many happily divorced ppl as a I do happily single never married ppl, and ppl who are married for the sake of the kids and the sake of the finances and don’t even like each other.
I re read my commet to edit(if it’s not right it’s ok). My first LOL was for this” WHy is an ambitious Godly good looking man so hard to find????.
You still get another LOL from me. A man is not and will never be God but “biblely”(is that a word?)?. My husband is the King of our home as I am his Queen. When we are at odds with each other, he is my husband and I am his wife. LOL. I know what your were tryig to say and I am just having fun with you. If you can’t have fun what fun is it. My sis got married Friday and she turned into “Bridezilla”. My daughter is getting married next summer. Please all wish me your blessing that I have cooperated by then! Have you ever been so exhausted and you are not the bride?
Very interesting post… I’m 33, never been married, never had children, nor do I think that I want either… Is that selfish? I honestly don’t think it’s for everyone and I’ve gotten so use to being alone all these years, I don’t think I have room for marriage or children… I believe that being single is really excellent for some people for the reasons you’ve described, though some of it does sound kind of selfish, the way it’s worded… I know it’s not intentional, but it does make me think that I’m doing something wrong by not wanting to be married…
I just wanted to say that the real key to enjoying the single life and not being held down by loneliness is to have very good friends around you, have someone you can talk to about things… Another thing is having something positive to do with your life… Like you said above… A hobby, something that takes up time so you’re not focusing on being lonely…
But it was a very good post… Thank you for you time…
@Monnie we are on different ends of the specturm..lol I will be 33 in Aug and want to BOTH get married and have kids. I have been single so long I stopped counting. I live in Atlanta and the pickings are slim actually BEYOND slim…lol Thought I met somebody a few mths back but false alarm. I am starting to hear my clock tick but I am trying to remain cool and calm. I don’t date much because there is nobody to date..lol I love traveling and being able to pick up and go but I am willing to hit the pause button for the right man.
I agree w/ you though marriage and kids arent for everybody! Enjoy your singlness!
To Monnie:
If you want to remain single and childless, that is your choice. In life we have choices, and if in fact it is selfish, so what. I admit it’s a couple’s world, and folks can make a single person feel as though there is something wrong with them if they don’t desire marriage and children, but what they fail to realize is that not everyone wants the same thing. Rest assured, there is nothing wrong with you.
In a previous posting, the writer was nervous about getting married and I believe she said when she had to choose a gown, she was asked what had she dreamed about since she was a little girl. She said she hadn’t thought about getting married when she was a girl or something to that effect. Most of us are socialized to believe that all little girls grow up dreaming of their wedding day. But that is not true. All I dreamed of growing up is going to medical school . . .LOL. Every woman doesn’t want to be married. Some of us love being single.
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