Jonesi’s Journey: From Girlfriend To Fiancé – The Transition Of a Lifetime!

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by Lamar Tyler | on July 16th, 2009 | 22 comments

jonesi1

Yes, I know, it has been a VERY long time since I’ve made a post and I’m sure you’ve forgotten who I am by now! (lol…kinda). To refresh your memory, I’m Jonesi – a 24 year old full-time graduate student from Ohio getting married to my boyfriend-of-almost-five-years-turned-fiancé (last September) on October 24, 2009. Between grad school, wedding planning, and life….I have to admit simple thoughts alone tend to overwhelm me these days. But life has been a little shakier since September 2008. I didn’t realize the transition a seemingly simple “yes” would take me through. I’ve talked to myself more in the last 9 months than I have in my entire life! The worst part is feeling lonely in my thoughts, or ashamed to ask certain questions because I didn’t want my words to be taken out of context. The LAST thing I wanted was someone to think that I wasn’t ready. But I quickly came to realize, I needed to be prepared because I was heading down a path where a lot of folks were going to start thinking a whole lotta’ things – and misery truly loves HER some company! (lol)

My fiancé proposed to me on a couple’s trip to Gatlinburg, TN and as soon as I returned home from cloud 9, I panicked! No I don’t think you understand. For a second I contemplated running away. All I could think of was “OMG I just gave up my life, my youth….I’ve agreed to relinquish all control”. I didn’t grow up in a marriage, no one has married in my immediate family since my grandmother and I didn’t have a sound frame of reference to guide my thinking. Suddenly I started to question everything that encouraged me to say “yes”. My anxiety turned me into a monster. I scrutinized every little thing my fiancé did to find a reason to call it off. I felt like this man I spent almost every day with for the last five years was a stranger to me. Worst of all I didn’t know who to go to about my feelings. I felt guilty and alone. I’m sharing this because I want women to know it is ok not to be that stereotypical blushing bride to be. That doesn’t mean you’re headed for destructive marriage. Be honest about your feelings first with yourself. Next, I highly recommend pre-marital counseling. I am currently receiving counseling from a minister at my church and I have learned so much about my partner and myself. It gives us the opportunity to talk about things we would never bring up in normal conversation and discuss it in a structured environment. I know we are not the only couple that allows simple disagreements to turn in to all out wars! (lol). So, I find comfort that in counseling, someone is there to mediate when necessary .

I can admit, watching “Whose Wedding Is It Anyway” too much did make me feel a bit inadequate because I didn’t understand why I wasn’t enjoying wedding planning as much and why I would avoid it. These are the little things I had to remove from my spirit or entertain with a grain of salt. I never dreamed of being a bride as a young girl so naturally I had no vision of a wedding. I was feeling guilty about this too. I would have consultations with vendors that would always make me feel bad by saying, “What have you always wanted since you were a little girl?” In order to be the wife I aspire to be, I realized it was time for healing now and I had to forget about everybody else and start thinking and doing things that were going to be conducive to my future marriage. Friends?! HA…yes some of those will fall off. Not everybody will support you and of course single women (contrary to their belief) will never, let me repeat that, NEVER understand what it is to be a wife so be weary of their advice. Doesn’t mean they are any less intelligent or resourceful…they just aren’t equipped to give marital advice J. That seems to be the number one mistake a lot wives and future wives make!!! Be careful and conscious of what you share and with whom. Period. And lastly, don’t be afraid to pick up your bible.

My experience is just that – Mine. I no longer feel the pressure to fit a mode. I’ve accepted that as long as I’m secure in my decision, God will guide me the rest of the way. Now if only this wedding would plan itself…..:-)

-Jonesi

BMWK family, feel free to share any marital words of wisdom or think back to your engagement and share some of the emotions you felt during that time. Did you seek pre-marital counseling? If so, would you recommend it?

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

http://itssonicetobenice.wordpress.com Danielle

Jonesi, I truly appreciate your honesty and candor. The statement that I found the most compelling is this post is the following:I didn’t grow up in a marriage, no one has married in my immediate family since my grandmother and I didn’t have a sound frame of reference to guide my thinking.

This statement really resonated with me because I am in a similar situation. And I imagine that many women are as well.

Like you, I have found answers in Christian Counseling and have meditated on Proverbs 31 and Luke 14:20 which says, “And another said, I have married a wife, and therefore I cannot come.”

While Proverbs 31 is a common passage, quoted by many Christians, I was recently introduced to Luke 14:20. A bible scholar made it clear that basically we’re to be wives before we’re married…that marriage alone doesn’t make one a wife. The speaker here could have just said that I got married, but made it clear that he married “a wife.”

Thanks for sharing your journey to becoming a wife and being honest with us about some of your challenges during the process. To answer your question, good Godly counsel is my best suggestion during this transition. I love being around older wiser women in the Lord who are not afraid to offer the truth and share their experiences.

Danielles last blog post..Reality TV Hates Women
http://harriet-canshesaythat.blogspot.com Harriet

Jonesi, I know it’s a cliche, but DO YOU. I’m so glad the pressure has diminished for you to try to fit into some mold.

Given the fact that I changed our dates five times, I can tell you my feelings didn’t fit into what you see on TV, whether Bridezilla or Blushing Bride. I felt like a prisoner in my own mind. My mama hated my husband, and the feeling for him was somewhat mutual. Eventually, I learned that wise counsel is one thing, but what happens when the people you hold as wise are telling you two or three different things, and they all make perfect sense, evne though they’re mutually exclusive?

I learned in that crucial time how to discern the voice of the Lord, and barring anyone else’s opinion or desire, that’s the voice that I followed.

In the meantime, during this conundrum called our engagement period, Patrick and I went through 9 months of premarital counseling. We came close to calling the whole thing off (including our relationship) once, but we made it through all that.

Harriets last blog post..Aftermath
http://itssonicetobenice.wordpress.com Danielle

Harriet, I certainly agree with you. People can pull you in various directions….so yes, the final answer does come from the Lord. I just wanted to point out that instruction and Godly wisdom is a resource we shouldn’t be afraid to access as well.

Danielles last blog post..Reality TV Hates Women
http://itssonicetobenice.wordpress.com Danielle

Please replace ‘instruction’ above with ‘the experience of others’……thanks.

Danielles last blog post..Reality TV Hates Women
KendraM

I can totally relate to how you felt. I felt the same way when I got engaged to my husband after dating him for almost 6 years. I think its a good thing to analyze and really think about what you’re getting into. And on top of that the idea of planning a wedding overwhelmed me. Premarital counseling and reading books about marriage helped us. I strongly recommend reading Lies at the Altar, His needs/Her needs, The Five Love Languages & The Most Important Year in a Man’s/Woman’s Life. The great thing about it is that you can continue to learn together about marriage even after you are married. Just be in it together and like you said, let God lead you. I’ve only been married a little over a year but its been even better than I imagined.
Precious

Yes, you are right and I am as of today married for 2 years 7/7/2007…and it was hard. I had the feelings of Bridezilla and all, but that came after much worrying and crying and wondering what kind of wife I would be, would I make the same mistakes that I see others make-would I this or that?? SO, you are not alone…But I will tell you this…enjoy the moment when it comes…Know that it is you and him and no one else. I lost FRIENDS(she was in my wedding and was jealous), I almost lost my sister(she thought I was rushing) but We looked to God, got marital counseling, and we still go to seminars and things just to stay strong…..trials come and test you, whether it is family or friends or whatever…in 2 years of my marriage…i lost my job…one income…i had pneumonia 3xs…diagnosed with sarcoidosis…and had a tumor removed which was collapsing my lungs…and 4 weeks ago had my thyroid taking out altogether because it was dangerous…so keep God there in your life and by all means, pray for each other. Never let anyone come between you and your husband.
http://harriet-canshesaythat.blogspot.com Harriet

@ Danielle,

You’re absolutely right. I think confusion can come in when you’re surrounded by people who genuinely love you and want what is best for you…but their picture of what’s best, and the Lord’s view may be totally different.

In those instances, you don’t go with your gut, with what mama, daddy or any other flesh and blood says. You go with the Lord. Wise counsel is ABSOLUTELY imperative! In the end, the individual receiving it has to put it into practice (or not). )

GREAT points (as usual)!

Harriets last blog post..Aftermath
Jonesi

I was really nervous about being so open but I feel much better to know I’m not the only who has struggled during this phase of life. It’s a very hard emotion to describe and cope with AND get the people in your life to understand that you still want to go through with this LOL. I’ve never felt so confident in a decision yet have been so terrified at the same time. I think I have an advantage over those who take for granted the seriousness involved in such a commitment.

But I want to share this also. In counseling, I’ve learned that marriage is not a contract (which is how society views it) but in a Christian context it’s a covenant – meaning, (and I loosley quote our counselor) “God made alot of promises, but very few covenants.” What she was saying is how serious God is about marriage and the blessing that comes along with such a dynamic union. And that was intriguing!

But on my save the date (which I will share soon), at the top I put the scripture, “Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing and obtaineth favor of the Lord”. I’m not sure where I first heard that but as a woman, it was very empowering. It was like God gave me a sense of accomplishment and complimented me all at the same time telling me not only has this man, who still wants to spend his life with you despit all your flaws and baggage, found a good thing, but he will be blessed for it! Ok I’m done….but WOW is all I can say about this experience I promise to write more…I miss everyone’s wonderful feedback!
Athena Nike

Congrats Jonesi on this exciting chapter in your life. It is great that so many people understand the value of and encourage premarital counseling. People often think “we’ve been together 3-5-7 years, and thru everything – we don’t need it” But marriage is different, and GOOD churches won’t even allow you to use their facilities without a couple of sessions/verify you are receiving, so they can help you get some things out in the open you(u & Fiance) might not have considered.
I am curious as to what Luke 14:20 that Danielle mentioned has to do with getting married? The man in that verse may have found a good wife Proverb 31 type woman, but he was actually saying he could not partake the feast of the Lord because he had just got married. Now Paul later admonishes how being single allows us to be fully devoted to the work of the Lord, because once you marry you have to balance priorities, BUT marriage should never come in the way of your salvation as in Luke 14:20.
Jonesi

@Athena Nike – OH! I just watched this random clip on youtube with Creflo Dollar talking about the whole Paul “discouraging” marriage message! haha…it was so funny…not even sure how I stumbled across it but it made me laugh
http://itssonicetobenice.wordpress.com Danielle

@Athena Nike,

You’re right. In Luke 14:20, the gentleman in question is using his marriage as an excuse to avoid the feast.

Like many on this board, I’m a student of the Word and wanted to share what I’ve learned. I have been taught, that the verse which reads, “And another said, I have married a wife, and therefore I cannot come,” could also be used to reiterate Proverbs 31, “He who findeth a wife…”

The Christian workshop I attended used both scriptures to point out that marriage alone doesn’t make a woman a wife, but a virtuous woman of God has the characteristics of a Godly wife before marriage. The speaker pointed out that the man in Luke 14:20 didn’t have to say he had married a wife….he could have just said that he got married…..Likewise, the man that findeth a wife obviously isn’t married to her yet if he just found her.

I referenced the scripture because it seems as if Jonesi is doing just that….she’s becoming a wife, reflecting, and challenging herself…. before marriage.

I hope that clarifies my point….

Danielles last blog post..Reality TV Hates Women
Jonesi

@Danielle – OH WOW! I like that!! Gots to pass that on

But I see why Athena Nike AND I are confused about why Luke used his wife as an excuse. I guess my interpretation would be he did NOT marry a women of substance (sorry I’m not bible scholar) so that’s why he was able to use her presence in his life to justify his disobedience? *I feel like I’m reaching*! Could you try to dumb that down a bit for me?

But wait! Does it explicitly say in the bible the man that “findeth” his wife, really wasn’t married yet?!? *going to get my bible after class*

*yelling* Oh Harriet….where are YOU?!?!?!
http://itssonicetobenice.wordpress.com Danielle

@Jonesi,

I didn’t say I was a scholar! Lol!!

I was merely sharing what I’ve been taught…….the questions you pose are certainly valid.

Now, in regards to Proverbs 31, how can one find something if it already belongs to you?

Idk…., but, I can’t wait to hear what others have to say on this one.

Danielles last blog post..Reality TV Hates Women
Jonesi

@Danielle – ok I see now it’s just a matter of perception. *I gotcha*. I took it as he who (does eventually) find a wife (a distinguished title in and of itself)…but you make a good point…why not say a woman? But it’s an interesing identifier….a bold matter syntax and interesing semantics! Hmmmm….
http://harriet-canshesaythat.blogspot.com Harriet

OK, WOW. I leave for a few minutes to actually do my job, and this is what I come back to?!? LOL I promise I’ll get back with y’all in about an hour. I have to go pick my son up from school.

But just to clarify: Proverbs 18:22 states that “he that finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord. Proverbs 31:10-31 is a description of the characteristics of a good wife relayed from a mother to a son (Prince Lemuel).

i’ve never heard the Luke 14:20 assertion…I’ma have to get in my prayer closet for that one. LOL I’m just not clear about what the teacher was trying to say.

But I’ll be back in about an hour!

Harriets last blog post..Aftermath
http://itssonicetobenice.wordpress.com Danielle

@Harriet

Thanks for clarifying the scriptures….

But just to clarify, my point is just this: a good wife has the virtuous characteristics before marriage and marriage alone does not make one a wife. Yes, she need to be married to a man to demonstrate this, but the character traits and virtuosity should be present before..

Anybody can get married, but that doesn’t make them a ‘wife’ according to Proverbs 18:22. Every wife in 2009 isn’t a good thing….She may have the title, but may not be acting as a Godly ‘wife’ according to the scriptures.

That’s all I’m saying….

But again, I comment on this board because I love discussion and learning….

And for this reason, I look forward to your response.

Danielles last blog post..Reality TV Hates Women
http://harriet-canshesaythat.blogspot.com Harriet

OK, I just read Luke 14:20, and I see where the teacher was coming from. He or she was probably using that scripture to outline the fact, like you said, Danielle, that being a WOMAN and being a WIFE are two totally different things.

Take, for example, someone like Jezebel: uncompromising, manipulative, conniving and all things opposite Christ. Then take a person like Ruth, who was humble, courageous, bold and willing to go through transition. One married a king and was killed. The other married a Boaz and created a line of kings, from David all the way to Jesus.

The largest difference was in their attitudes towards their husbands (or fiances). Jezebal lied to get what she wanted, and surrounded herself with people who would tell her she was doing right all the time, when clearly she was doing wrong. Ruth, on the other hand, listened to wise counsel, kept doing what she’d always done, and had the attitude of a wife prior to getting married.

So I agree with Danielle…every woman getting married these days isn’t a WIFE. There will be women who build their houses up with one hand and tear them down with the other. There will be adulterers, and manipulative, prideful heifers. LOL But clearly the choice lies within the woman. Will you become a woman after God’s own heart, thus causing the heart of your husband to trust in you? Or will you push that man to the corner of a rooftop, willing to do anything to get away from you?

Harriets last blog post..Aftermath
Jonesi

Oh my….I have GOT to find that Creflo Dollar video footage…like I said, I stumbled upon it but he talks EXACTLY of what Harriet and Danielle are speaking of. Geez I’m so angry I have no idea how to find it
LaNeitria

WOW! I love discussions like this! That’s a great point that Danielle made. I’m going to take a look at this myself. I am not anywhere close to being married, but it is something that I desire and am actively evaluating myself to see if I have what it takes to endure and be long suffering with someone. You all are a real inspiration to me!
Teems

I love that we are going through similar motions. I don’t feel so crazy. I never thought about weddings until I got engaged. My planning experience hasn’t been fun and my excitement never lasts longer than a day. There have been many days were I go without even thinking about planning the wedding. I have allowed people to make this such a difficult process for me. I have had to conditions myself for family pettiness, ending friendships, and kicking people out of the wedding for inconsideration. My fiance keeps reminding me its about us and that I don’t have to worry about anyone else but him and the pastor being there.

I have had some real heartbreaks throughout this process but what I have learned about people and my relationships with them have been invaluable. I haven’t sought counseling yet but we have looked to it. But my fiance has a really hard work schedule right now.
Test

p>OK, I just read Luke 14:20, and I see where the teacher was coming from. He or she was probably using that scripture to outline the fact, like you said, Danielle, that being a WOMAN and being a WIFE are two totally different things.
Take, for example, someone like Jezebel: uncompromising, manipulative, conniving and all things opposite Christ. Then take a person like Ruth, who was humble, courageous, bold and willing to go through transition. One married a king and was killed. The other married a Boaz and created a line of kings, from David all the way to Jesus.
The largest difference was in their attitudes towards their husbands (or fiances). Jezebal lied to get what she wanted, and surrounded herself with people who would tell her she was doing right all the time, when clearly she was doing wrong. Ruth, on the other hand, listened to wise counsel, kept doing what she’d always done, and had the attitude of a wife prior to getting married.
So I agree with Danielle…every woman getting married these days isn’t a WIFE. There will be women who build their houses up with one hand and tear them down with the other. There will be adulterers, and manipulative, prideful heifers. LOL But clearly the choice lies within the woman. Will you become a woman after God’s own heart, thus causing the heart of your husband to trust in you? Or will you push that man to the corner of a rooftop, willing to do anything to get away from you?
Harriets last blog post..Aftermath
MarriedWoman

I’m glad that you mentioned marital prep, like counseling. I highly encourage pre-marital EDUCATION, which is different from counseling. It is highly informative, but often less of a microscope on your particular issues, and deals with general indicators of marital success and failure.

I’m glad that the author is please with her minister and the counseling that they are providing, but I know TOO many people whose marriages have fallen apart because most ministers are not accredited counseling professionals and are not adequately prepared to handle the various issues that couples face. I ALWAYS recommend using a professional, which can certainly complement religious counseling.