The Power of the Ask

Relationships

by Lamar Tyler | on July 19th, 2009 | 21 comments

swoman

by Tara Pringle Jefferson

My husband would kill me if he read this. Oh well.

After a long day at work and a horrendous commute, the last thing I wan t to do is clean up the house. Wouldn’t it be nice, I think to myself, if since my husband and I both work, that we divide the household chores more evenly?

But that’s all I do. I just think it.

So day in and day out, I do everything. Cooking dinner, washing, sorting, folding clothes, sweeping and mopping, loading the dishwasher, bathing the kids, grocery shopping, packing lunches, vacuuming, you name it.

I tell myself that it’s okay, because my husband has been working 12-hr days lately and he usually just struggles to keep his eyes open once he gets home at 10, 11 p.m. He needs his rest, not a nagging wife who’s demanding that he mop the floor at 12:30 a.m.

But then I realize that it was always been like this, even before his current job. My husband has always been content to just let me do everything. Why? Because I never let him pitch in. I never let him know that it was too much for me.

From his perspective, I AM superwoman. I take care of it all at work and home and then am waiting up to “talk” with him before bed. From his view, everything looks fine. From my view, I’m just wondering why he can’t see that this cape weighs a ton and it’s hurting my back.

I don’t know why I expected him to see me struggling to hold everything together and to offer a “Hey, baby, let me get that for you.”

Or was I right? Should he have noticed that, “Hey, my wife has been doing a lot on her own lately…let me help her out.” Does marriage work like that?

So it’s a two-part question today, BMWK family.

Ladies, do you feel you should have to ask for what you need, or should your partner be tuned in to your needs?

Fellas, are you aware of your partners needs? Are you vocal about yours?

Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer living in Ohio with her husband and two children. Visit her blog, www.theyoungmommylife.com, to read more of her observations about life, motherhood and love.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

KendraM

Communication is important so I think wives should ask their husbands for help and vice versa. I ask mine. I can’t say I always get what I want but I do ask. Sometimes I am pleasantly surprised.

About a month ago, while washing dishes after dinner, I watched my husband relaxing on the couch watching tv. I always cook dinner and I clean the kitchen afterwards. I was thinking that would love to eat and just relax afterwards so I started feeling a little annoyed. I decided that would say something to my husband so I mentioned that it would be nice if he would offer to clean the kitchen after dinner instead of retiring to the couch. I’m still waiting for the offer but I’m positive that it will come one day
http://www.scritchandscratch.com/blog VEe!

Or was I right? Should he have noticed that, “Hey, my wife has been doing a lot on her own lately…let me help her out.” Does marriage work like that?

Yes and no. Some times expectations should be explicit or you may be hoping and wishing for a long time. Couples should communicate their expectations early and often as expectations change.

I am very aware of her needs but some times I slack off. The key thing, we talk . . . I see it, I know what’s up. Whether it is cooking, washing dishes, cleaning the bathroom, etc. I pitch in when I can and as often as I can. Honestly I help out to avoid any tension or future arguments concerning household chores. A little contribution or hand goes a long way towards a peaceful home.

VEe!s last blog post..Crappy Monday Drawings
http://misseloquence.wordpress.com Allygyrl702

As women we need to understand that men simply don’t think the way we do. We see someone working hard and we will offer to help. Men, on the other hand, will see someone working hard and as long as the job is getting done they will offer nothing but a pat on the back and a “good job.” SO, I say yes you need to just speak up even if its just one thing he does to help out it will be one less thing you have to do. And secondly, IT ALL doesn’t have to get done today. I have learned to enjoy my life so much more since I realized that if for this day I don’t feel like cooking/cleaning/misc. chores that the world will not cease to exist and the earth will continue to spin on its axis. Maybe you can learn to lighten your own load a bit so you can enjoy your family and not just work for them.

Allygyrl702s last blog post..Frenemy
Christin

I totally agree with you @Allygyrl702, I think you should just simply ask for what you need and want. Mind reading games will get you nothing, but feelings of resentment and frustration. Communication is key!
http://www.scritchandscratch.com/blog VEe!

“Mind reading games will get you nothing, but feelings of resentment and frustration”

Co-Sign -I love that one!
Basically that’s what I hear from most of my friends. We are definitely not in the business of reading minds. If you didn’t say it, we didn’t discuss then it is truly out of sight and out of mind. Some men will take the initiative, but if your mate does not then maybe you should simply bring it to his attention.

VEe!s last blog post..Crappy Sketch
http://harriet-canshesaythat.blogspot.com Harriet

As a married woman, I definitely FEEL like my husband should be in tune with what I need help with, but more often than not, I’ve found that is not the case. They don’t do hints, they’ll wonder, “what’s wrong with you?” if you have an attitude, and we’ll exert all kinds of unnecessary energy if we don’t do the simplest thing: open our mouths and TALK.

Now, men are without excuse once the need for help is verbalized.

I agree with Vee…helping out certainly goes a long way towards keeping a peaceful home. I always say that “happily ever after” is possible, but you have to work at it.

Harriets last blog post..Acorn to Oak Tree…I want to be a Legacy!
nyiema

speak-up and be direct about what it is exactly you want him to help you do! do not lay a blanket statement out like “honey i wish that you would help me out around the house more than what you are doing” because it can be accused and misunderstood as nagging. the dishes dont wash themselves, the floor does not magically become clean and it takes alot to keep the kids and house in order like you do. it is only fair that you guys share the work load. and for the people who say “men simply don’t think the way we do” that some complete BS! (excuse my french)it is easy to just watch you do all the work while he takes the easy way out and just chill. it takes a loving and caring man to pick up on his wifes needs and no working woman wants to cook, parent and clean all on her own, it is hard work and its not fair. you are not wonder woman! let him help you. speak-up and be exact!
http://www.blackwivesclub.wordpress.com Tiya

Tara,

I was the same way. I just did everything and looked at my husband like you have got to know that I could use a little help. Then, it hit me, maybe he thinks I can do it all because I have been. I asked for help and he helped. Now he won’t volunteer to help or anything like that, lol. But when he asked, he will help.

Tiyas last blog post..Take Care of You
http://singlikesassy.blogspot.com SingLikeSassy

As another blogger I follow says, “closed mouths don’t get feed.” I ask for what I want and need. I don’t have time for all that figuring out and guessing and mindreading when we could both have what we want and need and be happy.

But I’m like this in all areas of my life, not just in my marriage.
http://singlikesassy.blogspot.com SingLikeSassy

oops!! That’s closed mouths don’t get FED.
http://blackandmarriedwithkids.com Ronnie

Tara – I think we are all pretty much saying the samething. You have to ask for what you want and be specific.

To me, I think men sometimes throw out the nagging insult to prevent woment from speaking up.

I have been through this same situation in my marriage. And when I don’t ask for what I want, then I get resentful. That’s why I like this statement:

“Mind reading games will get you nothing, but feelings of resentment and frustration”

Ronnies last blog post..School Has First Integrated Prom in 2008!!!
http://theyoungmommylife.com Tara

I think you all are right and that I do need to be more vocal. I try to say, “Honey, can you help me clean the kitchen and then we can do XYZ? It will go faster…” etc. But at some point, I get tired of asking. You see the dishes need to be washed – jump in. You see the pile of dirty clothes is getting out of hand – help me out. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t have to state the obvious. But we’re getting there, slowly but surely…

Taras last blog post..Guest Post: Call First
Anna

I am glad hubby helps. Sharing the chores is foreplay, Once you get the chores out the way it’s more “we” time. Hubby just mentioned yesterday how better we have gotten in our marriage. Once you get older you learn to not sweat the small stuff. If the respect is still there there is nothing you can’t handle as a married couple. Chores should be shared even if one has to ask. We have to remember that not all spouses are trying to read our minds. If you don’t ask you don’t get. The worse they can do is huff and puff but they soon get over it. Most realize you need help and will volunteer. Hubby and I don’t have kids together so it’s not like we are passing any kids around as soon as the other one gets home from work. The hardest part in any relationship is rearing kids. You have to do it but it can be very exhausting. If both parties are not fully committed the resentment can easily step in. There is nothing worse than being a stay at home mom with 2-3 little ones and you can’t wait for hubby to come home so he can take over while you get a shower.
http://awomans-worth.blogspot.com Arlice Nichole

Tara, you are Superwoman! Which brand of vitamins are you taking? LOL! If there’s one thing I can say is that around the house my husband and I make a pretty good team…you know actually, now that I think about it, I’m the one that should be helping him out a bit more (picture cheeks flushing) He enjoys cooking, and since I don’t, he cooks every night. And because he doesn’t believe me when I say dishes should soak a long time (ok so I use that to buy me some time) he’s the one that ends up washing them. But it’s ok because he loves being in the kitchen right? He cleans really well too. G. He does quite a bit so I can make my dreams come true in the evenings, he doesn’t complain except for maybe my empty coffee cup being left in the bathroom every morning, or an empty bottle in the baby’s room. (I promise I’m not a slob!) I guess I’m pretty lucky around here.

The laundry is totally my department though! Totally!

Arlice Nicholes last blog post..Pop Question: Did You Discuss Credit Before Commitment
http://theyoungmommylife.com Tara

@Arlice Nichole – LOL at soaking the dishes. I tell myself that my hubby and I have only been together 5 years, married for 2. We’re still learning about us, and how we work together. You and your hubby have been together twice as long, right? Y’all have it down!

Taras last blog post..Guest Post: Call First
http://awomans-worth.blogspot.com Arlice Nichole

@Tara (Superwoman), We’ve been together for 14 years, 11 of those married. That makes me sound so old, LOL!

Arlice Nicholes last blog post..Pop Question: Did You Discuss Credit Before Commitment
alan

reading the responses, anna’s was the only one of which was sound, sensitive, and emulated a positive relationship. no wonder the divorce rate exceeds 80% among black couples. i’d personally given up on relationships because i’d found people to be extremely selfish & selfless, until i met my fiancee, a year ago.. after moving to georgia three years ago, there were soo many single black female with dirty homes. filthy cars, overgrown and trashy yards, and sadly, unkempt and undisciplined kids. my first year and a half was spent helping females clean, paint, & repair their homes, autos, dress and mentor their kids. the more i did. the more they expected, with no thanks, reciprocation, or follow thru. in a year and a half i went thru four relationships with black females. i had’nt dated a black female in 15 years and had decided to date and marry a black femal and be a role model in the community since i’ve become tenured at a major university. needless to say, after being in georgia nearly 3 years. i’m back with a white female, we do everything together, our home, cars, and 2 kids (hers from previous marriage) are immaculate and well disciplined. (she’s standing over my shoulder proofreading my response-i told you we do everthing together.)
http://harriet-canshesaythat.blogspot.com Harriet

alan,

it’s such a blessing to hear about your joy and happiness in marriage. i’m sure your wife is a wonderful woman, and i’ve no doubt your children are brilliant.

what i don’t understand, though, is the need to degrade other marriages in order to make yours look so good. EVERY marriage has its own heartbeat, and EVERY marriage has its issues that need to be dealt with. even anna’s. even mine. even yours, sir.

your experience with african-american women was admittedly horrible. i’m sorry you had to go through that drama (even though it was a conscious choice you made…but we all live and learn). nevertheless, that is no reason to spew poison and speak death on the thousands of african-american marriages that DO work, that DO reflect the kind of love, perseverance, commitment, discipline (and cleanliness) that you outlined in your commentary.

since your lovely wife proofread your comments, i would love to read what her viewpoints are on this matter. i’m sure she has an opinion about it, and this website is for EVERYONE, not just married black folks with kids.

i think that’s why the work that lamar and ronnie are doing on their “happily ever after” documentary is so essential. so viewpoints like yours will become the exception and not the rule.
http://harriet-canshesaythat.blogspot.com Harriet

my apologies, alan. your fiancee, not your wife. congratulations on your engagement.
alan

harriet:
thanks f
or noting my obvious shortcomings. i never perceived my comments as degrading or condescending, to be perfectly honest, i’m extremely frustrated with black people. having admitted and acknowledging that. i for the first time can see where i’m perceived as degrading. since high school, thru college, and most of my professional career, i’d dated only white females. i’d never been to a black concert, black church as an adult did’nt know who tom joyner was and didn’t listen to black radio stations. then eight years ago, my sister passed and i was racked with guilt-i actually didn’t know my sister as an adult, but as i read her diary and talked to family members i realized the pain she’d experienced from black males, primarily my nephews father. i then attempted over the past eight years to date only black females, even full figured females in light of my sister’s battle with weight her entire life. the more i tried to find a black soul mate the worse my attitude and personal life became. for the first time in my life my car was scratched, my employer was called in an attempt to get me fired from my job, i was criticized for being too articulate, investing in the stock market, owning my own home, not wearing jeans. georgia was ten times worse than florida with the confederate flags, pit bulls, country slang, most blacks spittig tobbacco and missing teeth, i finnally gave up on finding a wife until i met my fiance. but i never gave up on black people, the senseless shooting in tacoma, wa., the six y/o being beaten to death, the eight y/o being raped, the young lady being shot 10 times along with her 2 small kids.
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=566981315 Sandra Kimble

I love this blog! Every time I read the articles and comments after I get so much wisdom and insight. As an engaged black young woman, I’m so happy to be connected to such a positive and wise community of black married people. This blog has been so helpful to me during this time of preparing for marriage.

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