Comments on: Dear BMWK, My Husband Doesn’t Trust Me

By: LaKeyshaF

LaKeyshaF — Fri, 31 Jul 2009 12:41:57 +0000

Could it be something he saw from the other guy? Perhaps he was getting negative vibes from the drummer (my husband has had to check some men even when i saw their actions as innocent-nobody can see through a man like a man). And perhaps with those vibes and then a family member saying they saw you two together pushed his suspicions into overdrive. Just a theory.

Just remember…this is not a deal breaker for your marriage. Satan is the devourer and is looking for those sacred things to destroy, and a christian marriage is one of them. He brings division and you must stand on God’s word in defeating him. Seek God, pray, and Speak the word over your marriage and after you’ve done all to stand…stand.

By: Husband does not trust me

Husband does not trust me — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 18:49:27 +0000

To Harriet:
I do sing in the choir as well as my girlfriend. The man my husband has accused me of having an affair with is the church drummer. We have all gone out as couples together before so none of this seems to make sense to me. When we went to counseling, we never got to the root cause of why he was accusing me of having an affair. I wanted to face my accusers and he told me the one person had moved away and he could not contact them and the other person was an aunt of his that was now deceased. He had to finally admit he had no pictures. He has never said I was exhibiting any type of behavior that indicated I was having an affair. His only basis as he stated that it was just a feeling he had and someone saw me with another man. I’m not one to do a whole lot of talking especially when it comes to what goes on in my household. I did not even confide in my friend as to what was going on and she later approached me saying she knew what was going on because my husband came to her. Another issue I had was his total lack of support on my behalf when the accusers came to him. He actually said why would someone lie on me. I do have a very nice job with a known company and I make a significant amount more money than my husband. Jealousy and other things have crossed my mind but I’m wondering why now. I just didn’t start making more than him. Before you ask, I promise I have never brought up the fact that I make more than he does and contribute to the finances of the household. I have reassured him I would not teach my daughter good moral values and do the total opposite. I am just not that type of person and I was not brought up that way. I was brought up in church and hold those values true and dear to my heart. Trust me I want to get over this hurdle but he keeps speaking out of both sides of his mouth. He says he trust me but then keeps displaying he doesn’t. Just recently we were out together waiting for my daughter and her friends to get out of the movie. I texted her to let her know we were waiting for them to come straight out. A couple weeks go by and he says that my daughter said I never texted her and that I was texting someone else with him sitting right next to me. I still had the text that I sent in my phone and showed him. Certainly not signs of showing trust. He swears he has not been unfaithful to me so I have no clue what is going on in his head and he certainly has not offered any logical explanations. I hope this clears up any questions regarding me. I am not a flirtation woman and normally very quite. I feel my mother instilled in me some good moral values and most importantly to love God because there is no way I can make it without him. i am not a perfect being but I am not a liar and a cheat.

By: Harriet

Harriet — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 16:15:54 +0000

Trust in a relationship is like oxygen to the body. I just don’t know how much further you’re going to be able to go without establishing trust, or at least getting to the root of why your husband does not trust you (beyond frivolous accusations that have no basis, according to you).

You said you all go to the same church. Do you all serve in any capacity (choir, prayer team, nursery, etc.)? I’m asking because is it possible that some kind of behavior in that servitude could have been misconstrued?

Additionally, I have a bad taste in my mouth about the fact that these accusations started taking place after you suffered such a great loss with the passing of your mother. Your husband is supposed to be the one supporting you and being a shoulder to cry on, not accusing you of adultery.

It still seems like there’s something missing, though. I can’t quite put my finger on it. I have to defer to what LaKeysha said: take a good, hard look at yourself as well, and do your best to ascertain if there’s anything that you’re doing that causes his mistrust. If not, the brother really needs some professional help.

By: Husband does not trust me

Husband does not trust me — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 16:01:52 +0000

I guess I should have given just a little more detail. Let me say I have never cheated on my husband nor had the desire to cheat. The man he accused me of having an affair with was dating a very good friend of mine who is the godmother of our daughter. Which says to me my husband does think very highly of me. He actually went to my friend and told her that he thought the guy she was seeing and I were having an affair. Of course she never believed it and our friendship is still in tact. By the way, we all go to the same church. I had been taking care of my mother who was stricken with cancer. Two months after she passed away he started right in on this cheating thing from out of no where. Honestly, I do not spend a lot of time on the computer at home and I really do not text a lot. The majority of my texting is to my daughter when she is not with us or other family members. I did ask him was he cheating and of course he denied it.

By: Maelstrom

Maelstrom — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 19:48:59 +0000

leave him — he’s a little boy

By: LaKeyshaF

LaKeyshaF — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 15:00:26 +0000

Alan,
I challenge you to look at the wider picture. Black skin may stand out in the media but there are just as many tragic and horrendous crimes committed by white/hispanic/asian men. European american men resided over this country during the ensalvement of blacks and the anihilation of native americans. This just goes to show you that all cultures have their bad eggs and all have their gems. Dont give in to the hype…the grass is not always greener on the other side. (Sometimes its astro-turf masquerading as grass!).

By: LA Momma of 2

LA Momma of 2 — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 22:02:25 +0000

@ Harriet
***i could go on and on, and to be honest, there are more examples of positive african-american men in my life than the crazy stuff you described. if you look for it, you’ll find it. i hope you choose to shift your mindset towards the positive.***
Truer words have never been spoken!! If you allow the mindset of this world guide you, you’ll miss out on the beauty. And that’s the only thing that will keep you going.

By: Anna

Anna — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 00:57:00 +0000

Wow! Reading Harriets, Alans and CEOmum’s commet had me scratching my already washed hair. That was some deep stuff. We never know what one goes through in their day to day. I know that getting online and sharing me and my problems helps me to get it out. I have a hubby to tell and kids to tell but I still feel a “wow” factor” of what I read. We never know what one goes through unless we share. or talk about it, I am going to be a “new” grandmother at the age of 42. I share that I am proud of my kids and have a child who is getting a “Masters Degree at 23. My child will also make me a mother-in -law. Not the same child making me a grandma, I still love to share what is going on in my life with this room. Am I venting or just sharing? I can say that Lamar and Ronnie have big hearts and welcomed my “old head” on their site along time ago.

By: Harriet

Harriet — Sun, 26 Jul 2009 22:18:10 +0000

alan,

unfortunately, i understand where you’re coming from. i’ve got cousins who are currently in prison for the foolishness you described. i have an aunt who fell in love with a man, but found he was no good for her. as she was packing her things to leave, he kidnapped her, put her in a car, put an axe in her head then drove into the river.

but i had a father who loved my mother with everything inside him. he was the epitome of chivalry, and to his last breath, he reflected the immense potential of the african-american male. i have a brother, serving this country, who refuses to settle for less than what he deserves, so although he travels the country and the world, he has made the choice not to engage in sexual relationships with women who don’t have a long term relationship quality. they are readily available and throwing their underwear at him, but he wants a wife, and he’s willing to wait.

i have a husband who has made a lot of mistakes in his life. but his humility and desire to transcend those mistkes presses through and makes me marvel at his perseverance, resilience and strength.

i could go on and on, and to be honest, there are more examples of positive african-american men in my life than the crazy stuff you described. if you look for it, you’ll find it. i hope you choose to shift your mindset towards the positive.

By: alan

alan — Sun, 26 Jul 2009 09:22:49 +0000

harriet:

thanks for the positive perspective, but i admit, i may be a little harsh on black men. but this young vibrant industrious mother of two beautiful angels should not be laying in the morgue this evening. my baby sister and my 23 y/o nephew should not be lying six feet. a month ago, a 24 y/o again, vibrant blk female and her 55 y/o father were found in the trunk of her car after both were shot after she refused to go to her boyfriends home and have sex-she wanted to celebrate her fathers surprise birthday party. (she made the mistake of taking her father by his home to invite him to be a part of the surprise) instead she spent her fathers birthday huddled in the trunk of her car as they were dying in each others arms from fatal gunshot wounds. an 8 y/o was gang raped by 4 blk males, now she has been dis-owned by her family because they are afraid of these animals. again, please accept my sincerest apologies for my language in my earlier post as a converted Jew of 18 years, i don’t use derogatory or profane language. after perusing ms. sharlona white’s website over the past couple of days, my heart sinks lower, not just because she is a beautiful soul, also, she had soo much to live for in zeunna & zaron. i know you have a website to run and a great one (reason i was attracted), i just didn’t expect so many post with once again-black women complaining about black men. if i wanted that environment, i would visit ballerwives, blackamericaweb-but i avoid those trash sites like the plague.