Dear BMWK, My Husband Doesn’t Trust Me

Dear BMWK

by Lamar Tyler | on July 24th, 2009 | 25 comments

dearbmwk

Dear BMWK,

My husband accused me of having an affair with absolutely no proof although he said he pictures. We sought counseling however that really did not help. For some reason he cannot trust me like he should although he says he does. He says I have joined facebook to basically communicate with other men. He says I don’t be texting my daughter when I say I do. It has truly put a strain on our marriage. He wants me to be free to talk to him but I find it hard with the lack of trust for which he cannot give me a good reason why. He told me that he just had a feeling I have cheated and that someone saw me with another man who is conveniently not available. Help me please.

BMWK View:

Relationships are built on trust. Your relationship can not survive without it. If you want to have a long lasting relationship you will have to work on building trust in your relationship. It’s obvious to me that your husband does not have the proof that he mentions. If he has pictures then why isn’t he sharing them with you. If he has a friend that saw you with another person..then who is this friend? Perhaps he is making up those stories in order to trick you into confessing to something. If you truly have done nothing to break his trust, then he probably has issues from past relationships that are carrying over into your present relationship. Even though you did not cause his issues, you can help him heal. Continue to assure him that you are not cheating on him and try your best to make him feel secure in this relationship. You should let him know that his snooping is also causing harm to your relationship. In addition to couples counseling, he should go to counseling alone to deal with his issues.

BMWK family, what words do you have to offer this woman? Have you ever been in a situation like this? If you made it through it what made the difference?

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

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Comments (25)

My Opinion Friday - 24 / 07 / 2009 Reply

In my experience... When a man randomly starts accusing you of cheating, it is because HE is cheating! Because, rest assured...if he had proof he'd produce it! If you've HONESTLY never done anything to make him suspect you, you may wanna start suspecting him. I personally think if you, "continue to assure him that you are not cheating on him and try your best to make him feel secure in this relationship", you'd be facilitating his game-playin' behavior. If I were you (even though I'm not): I'd match game with game. When you do this, men tend to end up telling the truth on themselves...lol One day when dude walks in talkin' reckless tell him to, "say what you really mean and stop all of this game-playin'". Turn his game around on him...look dude dead in his eyes when he walk in late, starts to chastise you or does something that YOU could use as a you were cheating moment" and tell him...Awww, now I see what all of the accusing me is about...Tell him, YOU are the one that is cheating and I have proof. Tell him don't worry about your proof--because, he WILL inquire about it! Then, you can use this moment to access his behavior. Is he nervous? Does he begin to act frantic? Does he continue to ask about your proof? Does he demand that you produce it? Does he go back to talkin' about all his supposed proof about you? Does he produce his proof about you? Or.. Does he look you back in the eyes instantly and say...There is no way possible that you can prove anything about me because I've never done anything out of line. Then you have your answer!!
Ronnie Friday - 24 / 07 / 2009 Reply

Personally matching game for game never worked for me. In my dating days when I had a boyfriend that was not acting right, I decided that I was going to act like him. So if he was staying out to all hours, and being sneaky, I tried that too. It did not make matters better, it made them worse. I am not a game player and I am not the type of person that stays out all night. I am not a snoop..because that also can consume you. So I just felt silly doing those things. Instead of playing games, I needed to focus on what I really wanted...which was a good relationship with my boyfriend. So I decided to work on doing all of the things that I needed to do to obtain what I wanted. Unfortunately, he did not want the same things so ultimately that relationship ended.
Harriet Friday - 24 / 07 / 2009 Reply

Funny. I agree with both My Opinion AND Ronnie, but for two separate reasons. My first question is: have you ever cheated on your husband? My second question is: are you currently cheating on your husband? Nowhere in your letter do you state whether or not his assumptions are true. I'm assuming you are not, but you never can tell these days. LOL As far as My Opinion's commentary is concerned, if neither of the above statements are true, then my thoughts are as follows: it's human nature for a person to blame the ones closest to them for the very things they are guilty of themselves. The BMWK assertion of something happening in his past also carries a lot of credence. But I'm a straight forward type of woman. I would definitely find a good time and way to ask your husband if the thing he's accusing you of is going on with him. Try to talk him into getting some kind of counseling for his trust issues, if need be.
LaKeyshaF Friday - 24 / 07 / 2009 Reply

Try to see if stopping the things that he seems to point out will help. If he has a problem with your facebook...close it. If he has a problem with texts...have it taken off of your phone. If you have guy friends...give them up. Lots of male coworkers...invite hubby to lunch at your office and show him off. Give hubby complete and free access to all you have...be an open book. If he is not assured then, then it may be time to wonder if perhaps he is accusing you because he is guilty...in thoughts or deeds. Another thing to ask yourself is "When did all of this start?" was there a catalyst to it all? Or has he always been this way? Don't be discouraged...be happy that hubby has agreed to go to counseling (whether it helped or not), and that he wants you to talk to him. It seems that even in his accusations he wants to be able to trust you and is willing to work on the problem. So continue to do all that you can to get over this obstacle in your marriage. Read Proverbs 31:10-31 and see if you are patterning yourself after that virtuous woman about whom the Bible says "The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her..." I firmly believe that whenever something is out of wack in our lives the first person we need to check is ourselves...then we will have a better perspective on how to deal with others.
Smooth Friday - 24 / 07 / 2009 Reply

LaKeyshaF...you are on the money.....totally in agreement with you. We must always look at ourselves first, we are not complete in our walk, and sometimes the swagger comes in wihout our knowledge. Do give up all those things that take time away from him. In the beginning you made it all about him,,,,right????? so why did that change. Remember..what we start we must finish....thats change we don't like. Stay strong and true to yourself.
michele Friday - 24 / 07 / 2009 Reply

Reading this post brought back horrible memories for me. When me and my husband were first married this ugly subject reared its head! I was the "target" all because a family member of his told him that she saw me with some other guy...in the middle of the day...at a park 1 block from my house! 1 BLOCK FROM MY HOUSE?! The house that I shared with my husband and child. It was a lie then, and I had the proof to show my innocence, but he wasn't interested in that. He wanted to know who the guy was, where I met him, etc...etc...and I told him that if he found out I certainly would like to know because no such guy existed! It was difficult putting the pieces of our marriage back together. It was a truly emotional strain. My husband made me work to gain his trust back, and I did it because I loved him, and because I knew that I had done NOTHING WRONG, and I was determined to prove that to him. As I told him, and the rest of his family, I had absolutely nothing to gain by lying, and if I was guilty I was woman enough to own up to it and deal with the consequences because I got caught, but NONE of it was true. I told my husband that he was welcome to walk out at any given time and left it at that. I prayed and prayed and prayed and I asked God to change things if I was to stay in the marriage, and He did. Throughout it all I kept my head high, and walked with my shoulders back. Our marriage is blessed, and I honestly believe that what God puts together, no man/woman can put asunder.
Tiya' Friday - 24 / 07 / 2009 Reply

I was thinking the same thing as Harriet, are you or were you cheating? If you are not cheating, are your actions similiar to someone who is cheating, like staying out late, sneaking off to talk on the phone, ignoring certain calls in front of him, you know do things seem suspicious? If not, it is definitely an issue that your husband has to overcome. You could help him by asking what does he need to see or feel from you to convince him that you are not cheating. Counseling is a very good idea.
Anonymous Friday - 24 / 07 / 2009 Reply

Here are the keyords in the essay: 13th Amendment, 14th Amendment, 2012 Election, B.E.T., Barack Hussein Obama, Booker T. Washington, Bryant Park, Cipriani's, Colin Powell, Criminal Industrial Complex, Deb Slott, Do The Right Thing, Heidi Klum, Hip-Hop, Mark Penn, Melting Pot, Pink Elephant, Racism, Reconstruction, Robert Johnson, Seal, Segregation, Shelby Steele, Sidney Poiter, Sonia Sotomayor, Spike Lee, Tavis Smiley, Terrence Yang, The Dance Flick, To Kill a Mocking Bird, Virginia Davies, W.E.B. Dubois, Zero Mostel, Politics Prologue to Obama 2012 We approach the future walking backwards, our gaze forever fixated on the past. Predicting the future is not a passive exercise; we invent it every day with our actions. I began the sketches for what would ultimately become Obama 2012 in March 2007, a month after Barack Obama declared his candidacy. I had spent much of the previous 18 months living abroad as an entrepreneur and statesman of sorts, and I was slightly out of touch with the pulse of life on the street in the United States. I learnt about Sen. Barack Obama’s Springfield, IL speech formally declaring his candidacy for president of the United States through one of the international cable news channels and thought how great it would be to have a fresh start after years of mediocrity in Washington and a plummeting reputation around the world. By September, after what seemed like raising a six-month-old child, my sketches had turned into Why the Democrats Will Win in 2008 the Road to an Obama White House. It was my answer to the burning question everyone had back in March: Can he really win? Actually, not everyone thought it was a question. For many people, including Mark Penn, director of the Clinton campaign, the answer was an easy “no way.” This strategic blunder made it that much easier for the Clinton campaign to be defeated. Then there were Black pundits like Shelby Steele, a fellow at the Hoover Institution, who came out with a 2007 book entitled A Bound Man, Why Obama Can't Win. Being Black did seem to be an automatic disqualification, but then why did someone need to write an entire book arguing what should have been patently obvious? Joint Chiefs of Staff Gen. Colin Powell came to my mind and I remembered that he could have run for president in 1992 as a war hero. But Colin Powell was Ronald Reagan’s protégé and got a special pass on the race question. Black conservatives like Justice Thomas, Condoleezza Rice and Colin Powell were careful to disassociate themselves from liberal thinkers and activists like Jesse Jackson, who lost, as expected, the 1984 and 1988 Democratic primaries. Ultimately, Colin Powell, in spite of all his honors, declined to run for president. His wife Alma feared for his safety. Common sense said that a candidate like Obama, for numerous insurmountable reasons, didn't stand a chance of winning the Democratic primary, let alone a general election in which 10% of the electorate is African American and Republicans controlled the White House for 20 of the preceding 28 years. But I decided that Obama's chances merited a closer examination. In it, I would bring to bear my gambling skills.
Political Pete Friday - 24 / 07 / 2009 Reply

Well, I agree with the comments above for the most part.
Anna Friday - 24 / 07 / 2009 Reply

michele said: Reading this post brought back horrible memories for me. When me and my husband were first married this ugly subject reared its head! I was the “target” all because a family member of his told him that she saw me with some other guy…in the middle of the day…at a park 1 block from my house! 1 BLOCK FROM MY HOUSE?! The house that I shared with my husband ~~~~~~~~ Wow, now you just brought back memories for me. I had this same thing happen. Me cheating at a park down by my house. It was a family member on hubby's side. Hubby came home and said we are going for a drive. He point out asked me if I was cheating and told me who told him and who I was cheating on him with. My hubby does not hold back when he wants to know something. I was not cheating with anyone. Hubby and I talked for an hour. I think because it was his family member that told him, he was more opt to believe her than me. She lied on me another time after that. I told hubby you just have to understand that just because you love me and your entire family loves me but her that, she just does not like me. I don't know what she did not like about me. I am a very caring person. She tried her hardest to break me and her uncle up. It didn't work and she finally realized he was happy. I am glad we were able to patch things up. She passed away at the age of 24 a few years ago of cancer. Back on Topic. If a man is accusing you, yes it's because 9 times out of 10 it's because he's doing it. I had another of hubbys family members wife tell my hubby that I get on my computer to meet men. They came over for a bbq a few years ago and the men were outside and she was in here with me and her kids. My computer is in the living room. Anyone can see what I type. Until I found "Urban" blogs to read and comment on I was always in a yahoo parenting room, like I was the day she was here. (Maybe she was mad that I was not entertaining her and watching her kids, as soon as one of my kids got home she went outside with the men and left her kids with me and my daugher). When hubby told me what she said we both laughed so hard. Thank God hubby's nephew is now divorced from her. she was never happpy unless she was stirring up trouble for others. Sorry, this made me think of how vindictive unhappy ppl can be. To the poster. If a man does not know what facebook, twitter and all the other social networking is they only hear the horror stories of how a computer can break up a marriage/home. Introduce him to it(if you don't think he is cheating or the type to cheat). I don't have to spend every hour outside the office under my hubby. We have our own PC's and I don't get on his computer unless mine is broke, if his is broke he has never been on mine. He does not go through my purse nor I his wallet. We don't answer each others cell phones. I know ppl who do this and think they found a stored number that is not familiar to them, only to find out it's not what you thought and argued for nothing. ~~~~~~~~ This to me = either he is cheating or very insecure. I am sorry. I am all ove the place. This got my pressure up, which is not a bad thing, I am anemic. LOL. I am sorry if I have typos. But I felt I had to share. Some ppl will never want happines for others. It does sound to me that counseling may have been needed for other issues. If you can continue it, I say go for it. He may just have commitment issues and is scared. The best of luck to you both and God bless. Never let somebody ruin your marriage, if it's worth fighting for , fight with all you have.
Lamar w/ blackandmarriedwthkids.com Friday - 24 / 07 / 2009 Reply

@Michele *standing ovation* so glad you didn't give up and give in
alan Saturday - 25 / 07 / 2009 Reply

as an african male of whom has had 15 years of absolutely GREAT relatiomships with non-black women. after having to intercede with my 3 sisters HORRIBLE RELATIONSHIPS WITH BLACK MALES over the past 20 years. my advice is get rid of that NIGGER and find a white, hispanic, asian male and LIVE YOUR LIFE. otherwise your'e going to wind up dead. this week (sharlona white) a beautiful 33 y/o single mother of 2 beautiful boys was gunned down by a 59 y/o deadbeat while at work in tacoma. washington at the PX on fort lewis. check out her website and beautiful biography. i'm in the process of establishing a trust for her 2 sons at a local tacoma bank-please donate. i will repost with the information. sharlona's website: znzwear.com
Harriet Sunday - 26 / 07 / 2009 Reply

alan, i read about what happened at fort lewis. i'm so sorry for your loss, as well as the drama with your three sisters. but (BIG but) the choices your sisters made in men and the choice your firend made had nothing to do with the ethnicity of the folks they were dealing with. crazy is as crazy does, and i really hate the fact that you've experienced so much consternation with fools like that. but for you to come on this site, designed to celebrate the beauty of marriage and parenthood first, as well as the beauty of relationships of color, is pretty audacious. your assertion that all african-american men are no good is a slap in the face of my husband, who is AWESOME, not to mention the creator of this website, Lamar, and a contributor to this website, E. Payne. your words are insulting to the majority of black men who are quietly being the providers, fathers, husbands, lovers, friends that have always been there. somehow you fell for the trap that states men of african-american descent are no good. i think in your anger surrounding your experience, you made a sweeping generalization of my man and the majority of men on this site. your viewpoint is the direct antithesis of their actions and men, husbands and fathers. your input was definitely welcome, and once again, i'm praying for all the parties involved in the tragedy that took place at fort lewis. be blessed.
Harriet Sunday - 26 / 07 / 2009 Reply

you'll have to excuse all my typos. it's late, and that comment made me a tad bit emotional. LOL
CEOmum Sunday - 26 / 07 / 2009 Reply

The questions posed by Harriet are right on target. I can understand you might not think it necessary to once again be defending yourself but you need to put the facts out there if you want a reasoned balanced response. Also what was the problem with counseling? You didn't make that clear. Was it a case of your husband not wanting to complete the sessions as I know some men who shy away from counseling. Or was the counselor a jerk? I know one of those too. The description contained in your post suggests a man who is insecure and controlling but I can't quite figure out who you are. More info needed. In any event is your hubby is as I described it will be very difficult for you to handle that alone, you will need professional help.Good luck @Alan I feel your pain but your post is offensive in part. You might want to re-think when you cool down. I know you love yourself so what you posted made no sense.
alan Sunday - 26 / 07 / 2009 Reply

harriet: thanks for the positive perspective, but i admit, i may be a little harsh on black men. but this young vibrant industrious mother of two beautiful angels should not be laying in the morgue this evening. my baby sister and my 23 y/o nephew should not be lying six feet. a month ago, a 24 y/o again, vibrant blk female and her 55 y/o father were found in the trunk of her car after both were shot after she refused to go to her boyfriends home and have sex-she wanted to celebrate her fathers surprise birthday party. (she made the mistake of taking her father by his home to invite him to be a part of the surprise) instead she spent her fathers birthday huddled in the trunk of her car as they were dying in each others arms from fatal gunshot wounds. an 8 y/o was gang raped by 4 blk males, now she has been dis-owned by her family because they are afraid of these animals. again, please accept my sincerest apologies for my language in my earlier post as a converted Jew of 18 years, i don't use derogatory or profane language. after perusing ms. sharlona white's website over the past couple of days, my heart sinks lower, not just because she is a beautiful soul, also, she had soo much to live for in zeunna & zaron. i know you have a website to run and a great one (reason i was attracted), i just didn't expect so many post with once again-black women complaining about black men. if i wanted that environment, i would visit ballerwives, blackamericaweb-but i avoid those trash sites like the plague.
Harriet Sunday - 26 / 07 / 2009 Reply

alan, unfortunately, i understand where you're coming from. i've got cousins who are currently in prison for the foolishness you described. i have an aunt who fell in love with a man, but found he was no good for her. as she was packing her things to leave, he kidnapped her, put her in a car, put an axe in her head then drove into the river. but i had a father who loved my mother with everything inside him. he was the epitome of chivalry, and to his last breath, he reflected the immense potential of the african-american male. i have a brother, serving this country, who refuses to settle for less than what he deserves, so although he travels the country and the world, he has made the choice not to engage in sexual relationships with women who don't have a long term relationship quality. they are readily available and throwing their underwear at him, but he wants a wife, and he's willing to wait. i have a husband who has made a lot of mistakes in his life. but his humility and desire to transcend those mistkes presses through and makes me marvel at his perseverance, resilience and strength. i could go on and on, and to be honest, there are more examples of positive african-american men in my life than the crazy stuff you described. if you look for it, you'll find it. i hope you choose to shift your mindset towards the positive.
Anna Sunday - 26 / 07 / 2009 Reply

Wow! Reading Harriets, Alans and CEOmum's commet had me scratching my already washed hair. That was some deep stuff. We never know what one goes through in their day to day. I know that getting online and sharing me and my problems helps me to get it out. I have a hubby to tell and kids to tell but I still feel a "wow" factor" of what I read. We never know what one goes through unless we share. or talk about it, I am going to be a "new" grandmother at the age of 42. I share that I am proud of my kids and have a child who is getting a "Masters Degree at 23. My child will also make me a mother-in -law. Not the same child making me a grandma, I still love to share what is going on in my life with this room. Am I venting or just sharing? I can say that Lamar and Ronnie have big hearts and welcomed my "old head" on their site along time ago.
LA Momma of 2 Monday - 27 / 07 / 2009 Reply

@ Harriet ***i could go on and on, and to be honest, there are more examples of positive african-american men in my life than the crazy stuff you described. if you look for it, you’ll find it. i hope you choose to shift your mindset towards the positive.*** Truer words have never been spoken!! If you allow the mindset of this world guide you, you'll miss out on the beauty. And that's the only thing that will keep you going.
LaKeyshaF Tuesday - 28 / 07 / 2009 Reply

Alan, I challenge you to look at the wider picture. Black skin may stand out in the media but there are just as many tragic and horrendous crimes committed by white/hispanic/asian men. European american men resided over this country during the ensalvement of blacks and the anihilation of native americans. This just goes to show you that all cultures have their bad eggs and all have their gems. Dont give in to the hype...the grass is not always greener on the other side. (Sometimes its astro-turf masquerading as grass!).
Maelstrom Tuesday - 28 / 07 / 2009 Reply

leave him -- he's a little boy
Husband does not trust me Wednesday - 29 / 07 / 2009 Reply

I guess I should have given just a little more detail. Let me say I have never cheated on my husband nor had the desire to cheat. The man he accused me of having an affair with was dating a very good friend of mine who is the godmother of our daughter. Which says to me my husband does think very highly of me. He actually went to my friend and told her that he thought the guy she was seeing and I were having an affair. Of course she never believed it and our friendship is still in tact. By the way, we all go to the same church. I had been taking care of my mother who was stricken with cancer. Two months after she passed away he started right in on this cheating thing from out of no where. Honestly, I do not spend a lot of time on the computer at home and I really do not text a lot. The majority of my texting is to my daughter when she is not with us or other family members. I did ask him was he cheating and of course he denied it.
Harriet Wednesday - 29 / 07 / 2009 Reply

Trust in a relationship is like oxygen to the body. I just don't know how much further you're going to be able to go without establishing trust, or at least getting to the root of why your husband does not trust you (beyond frivolous accusations that have no basis, according to you). You said you all go to the same church. Do you all serve in any capacity (choir, prayer team, nursery, etc.)? I'm asking because is it possible that some kind of behavior in that servitude could have been misconstrued? Additionally, I have a bad taste in my mouth about the fact that these accusations started taking place after you suffered such a great loss with the passing of your mother. Your husband is supposed to be the one supporting you and being a shoulder to cry on, not accusing you of adultery. It still seems like there's something missing, though. I can't quite put my finger on it. I have to defer to what LaKeysha said: take a good, hard look at yourself as well, and do your best to ascertain if there's anything that you're doing that causes his mistrust. If not, the brother really needs some professional help.
Husband does not trust me Wednesday - 29 / 07 / 2009 Reply

To Harriet: I do sing in the choir as well as my girlfriend. The man my husband has accused me of having an affair with is the church drummer. We have all gone out as couples together before so none of this seems to make sense to me. When we went to counseling, we never got to the root cause of why he was accusing me of having an affair. I wanted to face my accusers and he told me the one person had moved away and he could not contact them and the other person was an aunt of his that was now deceased. He had to finally admit he had no pictures. He has never said I was exhibiting any type of behavior that indicated I was having an affair. His only basis as he stated that it was just a feeling he had and someone saw me with another man. I'm not one to do a whole lot of talking especially when it comes to what goes on in my household. I did not even confide in my friend as to what was going on and she later approached me saying she knew what was going on because my husband came to her. Another issue I had was his total lack of support on my behalf when the accusers came to him. He actually said why would someone lie on me. I do have a very nice job with a known company and I make a significant amount more money than my husband. Jealousy and other things have crossed my mind but I'm wondering why now. I just didn't start making more than him. Before you ask, I promise I have never brought up the fact that I make more than he does and contribute to the finances of the household. I have reassured him I would not teach my daughter good moral values and do the total opposite. I am just not that type of person and I was not brought up that way. I was brought up in church and hold those values true and dear to my heart. Trust me I want to get over this hurdle but he keeps speaking out of both sides of his mouth. He says he trust me but then keeps displaying he doesn't. Just recently we were out together waiting for my daughter and her friends to get out of the movie. I texted her to let her know we were waiting for them to come straight out. A couple weeks go by and he says that my daughter said I never texted her and that I was texting someone else with him sitting right next to me. I still had the text that I sent in my phone and showed him. Certainly not signs of showing trust. He swears he has not been unfaithful to me so I have no clue what is going on in his head and he certainly has not offered any logical explanations. I hope this clears up any questions regarding me. I am not a flirtation woman and normally very quite. I feel my mother instilled in me some good moral values and most importantly to love God because there is no way I can make it without him. i am not a perfect being but I am not a liar and a cheat.
LaKeyshaF Friday - 31 / 07 / 2009 Reply

Could it be something he saw from the other guy? Perhaps he was getting negative vibes from the drummer (my husband has had to check some men even when i saw their actions as innocent-nobody can see through a man like a man). And perhaps with those vibes and then a family member saying they saw you two together pushed his suspicions into overdrive. Just a theory. Just remember...this is not a deal breaker for your marriage. Satan is the devourer and is looking for those sacred things to destroy, and a christian marriage is one of them. He brings division and you must stand on God's word in defeating him. Seek God, pray, and Speak the word over your marriage and after you've done all to stand...stand.