Dear BMWK, Where Do You Draw The Line?

Dear BMWK

by Lamar Tyler | on July 21st, 2009 | 12 comments

dearbmwk

Dear BMWK, I am new to this site & enjoy reading the articles and comments I have a quick question. So many of you all mentioned catering to your husbands. Where do you draw the line at catering to your significant other who is NOT your husband? Like how much is too much or too little?

BMWK help our single friend out. At what point do you put on the breaks?

To have your question posted on the site drop us an email at info [at] blackandmarriedwithkids.com.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

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Comments (12)

rj Tuesday - 21 / 07 / 2009 Reply

WOW!
rj Tuesday - 21 / 07 / 2009 Reply

Wow! That is a good question. I am single and in a relationship. I don't do anything that would compromise me. I don't do my man's laundry (except for a few things he leaves at my house.) clean his house, pay his bills or drop everything to cater to his whims. I keep in prospective that he is not my husband and when he chooses to be then things will change. I don't expect him to do these things for me either. Only you know where you want to draw the line and the line is different for everyone. I will not play the role of a wife without the official title. I love him and do things for him that will make him feel that I want and appreciate him without going overboard. Relationships are give and take and both parties have to be willing to give. My advice is to keep in perspective is this a seasonal relationship or one you want for a lifetime and go from there.
Harriet Tuesday - 21 / 07 / 2009 Reply

I'm the type of person that likes to pour out my affection through service on the one I love. Unfortunately, when I was single, no matter who I was with, that proved to be the wrong approach. It's easy to be taken advantage of like that, and eventually, what you do as an act of kindness (or what they call lagniappe in Louisiana) will become expected if you're not careful. For someone like me, I had to engage in what I call a "graduated response." Instead of pouring all my service out at once, I would slowly increase those acts of kindness to determine whether or not they were appreciated or not. It also helps to set boundaries for yourself (sex and paying bills were a no-no for me). All in all, these are just addendums to the wisdom RJ put in her comment. She made some AWESOME points! Harriets last blog post..Acorn to Oak Tree...I want to be a Legacy!
Lamar Tuesday - 21 / 07 / 2009 Reply

RJ that was on point
King James Tuesday - 21 / 07 / 2009 Reply

Well... my cousin says that you need to do whatever you need to do to keep him. someone else is always willing to do it. And it's not about him leaving a woman b/c she won't do something.. but if he can get what you bring PLUS the extras.. why not take it? Just sound business... There's truth there lady. :-) Not saying it's one-sided.. just talking about your stuff. Wash them clothes and feed him. King Jamess last blog post..natural disaster
rj Tuesday - 21 / 07 / 2009 Reply

@King James I do cook for my man, pay sometimes when we go out to dinner and make him feel needed, wanted appreciated and desired. I am kind, honest, faithful and committed to him 100%. Now if he feels that he can find someone else to do more than maybe I am not the one for him, but I do keep in perspective that I am not his wife! When he decides to put a ring on it than I will keep doing what I am doing and more. We can look at this two ways I could say the same thing I could get someone who his willing to do more for me also. I don't expect husbandly duties of him when he is not my husband. The grass always looks greener on the other side but when you get there you realize it is not grass at all but weeds. The EXTRAS can make you lose a good person who really cares about you because you forgot the 80-20 rule. Things will stay how they are until I become the official Mrs.?.
Anna Tuesday - 21 / 07 / 2009 Reply

I was in this club. If you do the wifey stuff while not married odds are you will never be the wife. "Don't buy the cow if you can get the milk for free". Now that I am married I don't wash hubby's clothes unless I am trying to make a full load of laundry and need to add his. I don't iron his clothes nor take them to the cleaners. I use to do it when I only worked 20 hrs. a week. Now I work 40+ hrs.a week and he stepped to the plate to help out. If a man wants his wife to do a wifely duty at the end of the day he does not want to hear that she has a headache or is too tired because she came home did the laundry cooked dinner and cleaned up. Woman hold the cards when it comes to love making. I hate to say it but when a man helps around the house the love making is "our reward" for them. I don't make the rules ppl. It's just the way it is. LOL.
Ronnie Tuesday - 21 / 07 / 2009 Reply

Well said RJ!! Ronnies last blog post..Today’s Inspiration 7/21/2009
Danielle Wednesday - 22 / 07 / 2009 Reply

RJ I love your response....I have learned like some others have mentioned to guard my heart and that some gifts should be purely designed for marriage, not my boyfriend, long-time beau, or fiance'...my husband alone. Danielles last blog post..When they say you can’t
Allygyrl702 Wednesday - 22 / 07 / 2009 Reply

Anna, I think it is ridiculous that you think sex is a "reward" for your man for good behavior as if he is a child or a prisoner. He is neither. You or no other woman has any real control over a man and when you start playing games with sex men step outside the bedroom. However I agree with RJ too. There are certain sentiments that you reserve for the person YOU KNOW you will spend the rest of your life with. With that being said, you should still be yourself. If you want to or derive pleasure from doing certain "wifely" duties then you should do it!
Anna Wednesday - 22 / 07 / 2009 Reply

Allygyrl702 said: Anna, I think it is ridiculous that you think sex is a “reward” for your man for good behavior as if he is a child or a prisoner. He is neither. You or no other woman has any real control over a man and when you start playing games with sex men step outside the bedroom. ~~~~~~~~~ A man thinks of sex about every six seconds. A mans psyche/wiring is so different. Do you think a man is going to give his wife/gf a gift beit just because or bday or go out of his way to do something adnormal even for him and thinks (unless they are waiting for marrige or celibate)"well I am doing this but I don't expect to "get lucky tonight". LOL. Do you know how many woman reward their husbands even though they have been stuck with sick kids all day but hubby doesn't care and she does it out of obligation which in turn is really a chore for her. Reward/ Chore. I did not make up the rules, it is what it is. Everyone is not going to want the same thing at the same time, but the deed gets done because of the love you have for the other person.
Christopher Friday - 31 / 07 / 2009 Reply

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