Does Having An “Oops” Baby Make You a bad Parent?

Parenting

by Lamar Tyler | on July 13th, 2009 | 16 comments

bmwkpregnantbelly

by Tara Pringle Jefferson

Confession time: Both of my kids were “Surprise!” babies.

The first one? Well, we weren’t careful.

The second? Well, we weren’t careful enough.

“Surprise!” babies carry a special type of guilt that comes even before the baby is born. Now a new study says that moms with unplanned kids treat them differently. Great.

There’s not much that can make me feel inadequate about my mothering skills. Except for this.

Why didn’t I realize how serious motherhood was? Why didn’t I realize all the work that goes into simply keeping kids alive, let alone happy, healthy and loved?

Ever since I peed on the stick with my first child, my life has been a constant game of catch-up. Rushing to get health insurance for the babies. Rushing to buy baby gear. Rushing to pick a day care. Rushing to graduate. Rushing to get a full-time job. Rushing to get married. Rushing to buy a house.

Rushing. Rushing. Rushing.

I just dove in, even though I’m a planner by nature. I like to know what’s coming next, how to prepare, how to get there. But why was I so…careless?

I firmly believe that making decisions as you go is the best route for motherhood. Because I’ve lived it.

But damn if I don’t envy those who were responsible and conscious of their decisions and made the active choice to get pregnant. I envy you all, I really do.

Almost three years later, I’ve found my mommy groove. I love it. I’m happy. But things happen for a reason. No, I didn’t have health insurance when I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. No, I wasn’t married. No, I hadn’t graduated from college.

It wasn’t easy, and there was nothing “cute” about it.

But I made it. Surprise!

What about you, BMWK family? Did you feel guilty that you had a “Surprise!” baby? Wish you could have planned it better? Share it in the comments.

Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer living in Ohio with her husband and two children. Visit her blog, www.theyoungmommylife.com, to read more of her observations about life, motherhood and love.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

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Comments (16)

Danielle Monday - 13 / 07 / 2009 Reply

"Does having an 'Oops' Baby make you a bad parent?" Absolutely not....especially when you took the surprise and decided to open it. Not everyone does, and that in and of it self should be commended.....Yes, you were not prepared and had a bit of catching up to do, but in most areas, we all do, whether it's a new job, a new move, marriage, or the birth of a child... I also want to point out that just because some people plan their pregnancies and 'were responsible and conscious of their decisions and made the active choice to get pregnant,' it doesn't always equate to great parenting. It sort of reminds me when I was in college freshman year and was sometimes overprepared for a test, but the anxiety I created for myself made me ineffective....getting to the test, remembering nothing. I do know that kids are not a university exam, but I'm saying that sometimes one can be overprepared, with so many choices and options, that they actually become frozen in place, not knowing where to go or turn...leading to stagnation and rigidness. I'm going to wrap up, but overall, it looks like things have worked out well for you,so relish in the great Mom you've become and use it an an opportunity for growth and to teaching (like you're doing here)and forgiveness of self. Danielles last blog post..Baby, I’m old
Mrs M Monday - 13 / 07 / 2009 Reply

Our surprise baby came after a fertility doc told us we simply couldn't have children (without a whole lot of medical assistance that is). So about 1 month after deciding we might try IVF months down the road, I got the surprise of my life. I peed on the stick figuring it would get my cycle started in typical 24 hours after POAS. That's when I got the surprise of my life! Maybe if things had been different I would have been better prepared. But he's almost 1 1/2 and is healthy and seems pretty happy. Maybe he has been treated differently. But it's because knowing that all children are miracles, this one could be classified as a medical miracle. I suppose I should thank Dr. P for that!
Harriet Monday - 13 / 07 / 2009 Reply

Here's the thing with babies (to me): NO ONE could ever be fully prepared for all that comes with that package. My son was definitely a surprise, but I didn't feel overwhelmed with anxiety about him. My system just can't handle ANY kind of birth control, so eventually, pregnancy was going to come about. In that sense, I was prepared. Harriets last blog post..The Seed
CartersMom Monday - 13 / 07 / 2009 Reply

I honestly don't believe you have to plan your pregnancy to be a great parent. I for one has always planned everything in my life, my husbands, my job, buying a house and also having a child. My sister had a baby without planning it and she is a great mother, for me, I had everything all planned out, where to live so there are good schools, savings, etc, these are things I had already figured out before my husband and I decided to have children. I had a support system, but when I gave birth to my son, I had a nervous breakdown (post partum depression)because the baby would just cry all day and I couldn't take it, I felt like killing myself, I felt so inadequate and it made me really depressed because this is suppose to be our happiest time ever and I was not happy. So it doesn't matter if your children are planned or not as long as you love them and take care of them the best of your ability thats more important. Now that my son is almost 2 yrs and he is my pride and joy. I think my biggest problem is, we care too much what society thinks about us, and we don't take enough time to nurture our minds and prepare ourself mentally for a child.
nayonowen Monday - 13 / 07 / 2009 Reply

My 4th baby girl was an "oops". I really thought I was done witht he first 3 girls. I thank God i was given 9 months to get my head wrapped around another person in my life. Well 8 years later and she is the best of me. Yes, my husband and her older sisters love her to pieces and she is slightly spoiled but very grounded and level headed. I can not imagine my life without her. Whatever the study says about "oops", I know I made the righ decision to have and raise the best part of me.
michele Monday - 13 / 07 / 2009 Reply

My oldest son was definitely an "OMG....Are you serious" baby. I was depressed, more like in denial for three months to be exact. I could not believe that I was pregnant. I was careful, I took all the necessary precautions, but ended up pregnant anyway. Thankfully, I had graduated from high school, and from junior college. My plan was to take a few months off then enroll in courses for my bachelors/masters, but God's plan was better for me. I chose to have my son, and though I knew I was going to be a single parent walking into that decision, I was determined to be the best mother I could be for him. I was scared to death because he was my first child, and I was inexperienced, but with everything I do, I put more than 100% into it. He's 15 now, and I don't regret for a minute my choice to have him. It was difficult at first, but having him stretched me as a person. It made me look within myself and deal with the ugly parts of me I didn't like. He's taught me a lot. He's my baby and will always be.
CartersMom Monday - 13 / 07 / 2009 Reply

@ Michele, I am so proud of you
LaKeyshaF Monday - 13 / 07 / 2009 Reply

Maybe we have it all wrong...who says that we are supposed to plan our children? I doubt that it could be proven that planning children made you a better parent. I think that has everything to do with your personality and nothing to do with your original intentions. The ability to "control" pregnancy has never been fullproof but what makes you a good parent is your dedication to giving your child the best life possible. With that said...I was on birth control when I got pregnant with our daughter (two months after we got married). It wasn't in my plans but it was in God's. And it has truly made me a better person.
Tara Monday - 13 / 07 / 2009 Reply

I love these answers so far. I want to hear from the dads! How do you all feel about unplanned pregnancies?!?!! Taras last blog post..Do dads really “get it”?
Donielle Michele Monday - 13 / 07 / 2009 Reply

I actually planned my first but not the second (which was about 5 months after I had the first!) I love both of my children more than words could ever say. If children were only "planned", there would be about 1/3 of the child population now....lol!
King James Monday - 13 / 07 / 2009 Reply

I don't know many folks who actually planned a baby King Jamess last blog post..with the LINES
T. Rogers Monday - 13 / 07 / 2009 Reply

There are people in stable relationships that end up having a child before they "planned" on it. And there are single women with no stable partner, and limited income who end up pregnant. Both of these fall into the "Oops" category. One in an inconvenience. The other is a disaster (IMO). One belies a possible lack of planning. The other reveals a serious lack of good judgment.
Mom of 3 Monday - 13 / 07 / 2009 Reply

I planned my last pregnancy and it was still an ooopppss....I planned for one baby but got twins instead. So despite all the planning, I was still unprepared. I also think that I was really into planning my last pregnancy because I got pregnant with my son when I was in high school and I guess I wanted to "make up for it" after I graduated from college and got another degree and got married by planning a pregnancy. I don't think planning a baby makes you any more responsible or a better parent as oppossed to those who don't plan.
romi Monday - 13 / 07 / 2009 Reply

You sound like such a loving mother. Oops or no oops -- your kids are lucky. No way does a "surprise baby" = bad mother. No. Way. romi truuconfessions.com
Jonesi Tuesday - 14 / 07 / 2009 Reply

Nothing God creates is an "oops"...who you have your children with may be a different story! LOL *just trying to lighten things up...and I don't have any kids so, um...yea* LOL
Anna Wednesday - 15 / 07 / 2009 Reply

Mom of 3 said: I planned my last pregnancy and it was still an ooopppss….I planned for one baby but got twins instead. So despite all the planning, I was still unprepared. I also think that I was really into planning my last pregnancy because I got pregnant with my son when I was in high school and I guess I wanted to “make up for it” after I graduated from college and got another degree and got married by planning a pregnancy. I don’t think planning a baby makes you any more responsible or a better parent as oppossed to those who don’t plan. ~~~~~~~~ Nice comment. At the end of the day(18+ yrs of raising) oops or not it was still our choice to deliver. Anyone can plan, plan and continue to plan but I know that no matter how many kids you have be it planned or not, it is still an adjustment. Are kids planned vs unplanned loved any less or more? NOPE! It is what it is. I call it parenting and my kids did not ask to be here. Kids make you do 3 things. Make you grow up, make you think of somebody other than yourself and they sure "break the bank". "That's what kids are for".