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The Object of Your Affection

Parenting

by  |  on July 22nd, 2009  |  14 comments

dadandkidsswim

by Tiya Cunningham-Sumter

The kids need you, the spouse wants you. So just how are we suppose to divide our time in order to make everyone happy. Most often when we hear folks speak about balance, they’re usually talking about balancing career and family. What about balancing the spouse and children?

Besides work, our daily grind includes making sure our children are well taken care of and seeing to the needs of our spouse. But, does spending the majority of the time with your children mean you love them more than your spouse, and if so is that wrong? I remember this scenario being presented to a small group of women, “what if your husband and child were drowning at the same time, which one are you going to save first?” I remember answering without hesitation, my child and waiting for all the other women to answer the same. But to my surprise, some of the women answered their husbands.

My thought process was that the child needed saving first because they couldn’t save themselves and it’s just a mother’s natural instinct. The women who chose their husbands explained that the husband could help save the child, plus they needed their husbands and if the child didn’t survive they could have more.

Now I adore my husband, but my children have become the object of my affection. But in order for my husband to still feel the love I do the following:

  • Have one family vacation and one separate getaway for me and my husband
  • Have set times that I spend with each (the children can own the day, but spouse gets the evening)
  • Have regular dates with my husband

How do you balance kid time with spouse time? Is it right to love your children more than your spouse? Men, would you expect your wife to love your children more than they love you, or would that cause a problem? Who is the real object of your affection?

By Tiya Cunningham-Sumter, a certified Life & Relationship Coach, founder of Life Editing Personal Coaching Service, creator of the Black Wives’ Club and an Administrator of Still Dating My Spouse. She lives in Chicago with her husband and two daughters.


About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.



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Comments (14)

  1. Danielle Wednesday - 22 / 07 / 2009 Reply
    Someone recently posed a similar question to me. It went something like this: If you ran out of gas in a desert and you only had one bottle of water left, who would get the water, your son (who's staying with you) or your husband, who's walking into town in the sweltering heat. After asking a number of questions about the nearest gas station and size of the water bottle, I said I would give my son a quarter of the bottle and my husband would get the remainder. Later, I said my husband could decide. The person who posed the question seemed surprised saying that most people they asked said they would give the bottle to the child. I just felt like in this situation my husband needed my support and our next steps depended upon his survival in the heat. With a little water and other efforts, I could find a way to keep my child cool. Does this mean I love my child less? I don't think so. I think my response shows my husband can trust me, that I can trust my husband to do the right thing, and that I can rely on him.... Danielles last blog post..When they say you can’t
  2. Tiya Wednesday - 22 / 07 / 2009 Reply
    Danielle, that is an interesting scenario too. I always feel so guilty when those kinds of questions are asked of me. I like your response that you would let your husband decide. I think our husbands need to know that we love and trust them too. It's tough, I just feel like the children are going to always need me first.
  3. LaKeyshaF Wednesday - 22 / 07 / 2009 Reply
    That is a very hard scenario to deal with (kids and husband drowning) but according to the word of God the covanant includes three...God, husband, and wife. Though it may sound harsh and totally against todays culture husband and wife come first, then children. A husband and wife are entrusted with the gift of children to raise and set loose, but the covenant between spouse's is forever. Now of course you are responsible for making sure your children are taken care of. But the loving and respectful relationship you have with your spouse will teach, nourish, and benefit your children, whereas the relationship with your children will not have the same reflective benefits on your relationship with your spouse. And a lot of confusion comes in when people start talking about men who are not their husbands (and no you should not put random men, boyfriends, fiance's before the well-being of your children).
  4. Harriet Wednesday - 22 / 07 / 2009 Reply
    Well...according to Tara, we're superwomen, and we can save them all! LOL Seriously, though, that's a tough one. I honestly think that if I tried to save my husband, he would--as he was drowning--give me that look that said, "Woman, you better go get our son!" Good thing he's a better swimmer than I am. To answer your questions, my perfect balance between kid time and hubby time = BEDTIME. I really don't think you can quantify or compare a mother's love with a wife's love. It's just different. I love them both with the love of the Lord, but my husband gets that 3D love from me as well (he's my friend and my lover as well as my spiritual connection). So I guess in that sense, I love my husband more because that love is in triplicate. But I'm rambling...you made my breath shorten with the very THOUGHT of my loved ones drowning. I can't think straight with oxygen deprivation. LOL Harriets last blog post..My Thank You Letter
  5. Allygyrl702 Wednesday - 22 / 07 / 2009 Reply
    I don't think it is a matter of how much love you have for each because you probably love both equally. Those are two different types of love that require different parts of your being. Is it hard to balance the attention you give to each? Of course it is but it would be a difficult balance for any other object of your affection that demanded daily attention. However, another I way I look at it is this: your husband could divorce you one day and no longer be your husband but your children will always be your children even if they try to "divorce" you or emancipate themselves. Just a thought.
  6. Khristal Wednesday - 22 / 07 / 2009 Reply
    I always deal with the kids first, baths, homework, dinner, etc. and then I spend time with the hubby after I get them together. There will be occasions also where we just all spend time together, by playing games, etc. But personal time for me and the hubby is when the kids are fast asleep!
  7. CartersMom Wednesday - 22 / 07 / 2009 Reply
    This is really hard, I love my husband with all my heart, but I cannot live life without my son. He is the joy of my life and I would have to choose my son. My best friend and I argue about this all the time, and even though I believe in almost everything the bible tells you, I cnnot come to terms with this one.
  8. Staycee2 Wednesday - 22 / 07 / 2009 Reply
    I would have to say my kids (lord please forgive me). I know this may sound selfish but my husband doesn't depend on me in a way that my kids does. I love all of them, but they come before my husband! And I acutally handle everything else just like Khristal!
  9. Jonesi Wednesday - 22 / 07 / 2009 Reply
    I don't have children but I remember reading a story where a house caught fire and though the children were still in the house, the father made it out. All that to say, I always remember feeling like had the mother been home, she would have been trapped in the house as well trying to save them. To be honest, I would "think" of my children's needs first....
  10. Tiya' Wednesday - 22 / 07 / 2009 Reply
    LaKeysha, I agree that the relationship I have with my husband will also benefit my children and that one day they'll be grown and gone and it will just be me and my husband. Harriet, my husband would probably give me that same look too like girl you better get over there and get those kids, he would put them first. Allygyrl you're right also, it is two different types of love, but my love for the children is just something I've never felt before. Khristal, that's when I spend time with the hubby too, at the end of the day when the kids are settled. CartersMom, Staycee and Jonesi, I'm with you all, my Pastor in church has even preached about the husband before the kids and I am just not there yet.
  11. Ronnie Wednesday - 22 / 07 / 2009 Reply
    I watched the screening of Black in America 2 (which comes on tonight) and there is this couple on there that grew apart because they put the needs of their kids first and forgot about their relationship and as a result their marriage is in trouble. It's not a choice for me. I know my kids need me..but so does my husband. After work, we focus on them. But after bedtime...then it' time for mommy and daddy to play (wink wink) But seriously we make sure we have dates and short vacation get-aways...we try to spend time with each other each night. I don't think my husband would allow me to save him over the kids. That is a hard decision to make...I pray I never have to.
  12. Dadaille Wednesday - 22 / 07 / 2009 Reply
    I like this post
  13. Tiya' Wednesday - 22 / 07 / 2009 Reply
    Good point Ronnie, we can't forget to nuture our relationships with our husbands while we are seeing to the needs of the children. Thanks Dadaille.