You Can’t Change A Man

Comments (14)

1. 

   Harriet Thursday - 30 / 07 / 2009 Reply

   as we speak, my husband is bringing my son back from a late night visit to the emergency room. that's something that was always consistent with his character. he loves his wife and children and will do anything to ensure their well being. when i got married, there were some staples that a man had to have in order to even get my attention, and the potential to be an involved, concerned, protective and example setting father was one of them. if the staple isn't there, i'm not going to be able to change it one way or another. it's going to be that man's choice to change, and my choice to stay or go. many women (myself included) have stayed in dead end relationships with the foolish viewpoint that they could get a man to change. if he tells you who he is, believe him (and the same vice versa). i've given up on trying to make him neat and organized. that's going to take an act of the Lord. LOL but the areas that are most important to me he never had to make a change in. he's trustworth, strong, supportive, a great father, and full of integrity. that's more than i can say for a lot of the guys i was trying to change in my younger and dumber years.
2. 

   King James Thursday - 30 / 07 / 2009 Reply

   Harriet.. that was sweet. This is a good passage. I think any real long lasting change is challenging... and it only comes through relationship.. meaning YOU can help me change ONLY if you mean something to me. The other MOST important part of change is me wanting to.. which involves me seeing the need in general.. and many times seeing it AS YOU SEE IT. <-- the big issue Be more neat? For what? My clothes are fine right there until I decide to get them. See? I don't see the need as YOU see it, so it's gonna be hard for me to change. As soon as I realize that I can get away with it for a while before you notice again, I will. Being neat may mean nothing to me. Although that's an example, I think the principle reigns true in many instances of my life.
3. 

   Harriet Thursday - 30 / 07 / 2009 Reply

   KJ, man, that brings a WHOLE LOT into perspective for me! Thanks!
4. 

   CartersMom Thursday - 30 / 07 / 2009 Reply

   As longas you both have the same values in life and want the same things at the end of the day, don't sweat the small stuff. I have learned to choose my battles, my husband loves my son and I dearly and that's very important to me, he is ambitious, caring, humble and a well grounded individual, those are the things that are mostly important to me. Him picking up his dishes after he eats, pick his clothes off the ground, this would be a bonus. I've learned to choose my battles, because at the end of the day, I would rather be with someone with his character than to be with someone who is considered perfect but ius really a jerk.
5. 

   LA Momma of 2 Thursday - 30 / 07 / 2009 Reply

   **@ CartersMom Him picking up his dishes after he eats, pick his clothes off the ground, this would be a bonus. I’ve learned to choose my battles, because at the end of the day, I would rather be with someone with his character than to be with someone who is considered perfect but ius really a jerk.** I agree completely. There are certain things that in the grnad scheme of things, just don't warrant fighting for. The man as a man, provider, protector, father, husband and friend is bigger than the clothes on the floor!
6. 

   michele Thursday - 30 / 07 / 2009 Reply

   My husband told me from the inception of our relationship that he liked to go out (not necessarily to clubs or places that he shouldn't have been). His previous girlfriends always had a problem with it, which ultimately led to their relationships demise. He told me, "This is how I am, this is what I like to do. I'm not going to change, so don't try to change me. You can either find a way to deal with it, or we just can't be together." So, I learned to deal with it. No use in beating a dead horse while it's down. I appreciated his honesty and I was glad that he put that out on the table. I didn't have to hear about it, or find out about it from anyone else. I never thought that I could convince him otherwise, so I didn't even try. I love my husband dearly, he is a wonderful man, but I don't want him underneath me every time I turn around, and vice versa. I understand that sometimes he needs to hang out with the fellas, and I'm alright with that. What he does with them is his business, and I don't question him about the details of their outings. If he wants to share those details with me, he'll do so, if he doesn't, he knows that I'm not going to ask. I trust him, he's never given me a reason not to. When I feel that we need to spend some quality time together I let him know, and he devotes that time to me.....to us.....no interruptions!
7. 

   VEe! Thursday - 30 / 07 / 2009 Reply

   . . . what King James said. I have to see it, but I'm probably not going to see it the exact same way you see it. Maybe we have a different opinion on HOW organized my office area is? I wonder if you can or can not change a woman? Let's be honest, we're both trying to mold each other's behaviors and/or actions. Just make sure you're comfortable with your partner's core being.
8. 

   T. Rogers Thursday - 30 / 07 / 2009 Reply

   Let's be honest, ladies. Would you truly respect a man who changed too much to accommodate you? Of course not. That is part of the rub. Most men see the woman's quest to change him as a quest to control him. And the funny thing is the women are usually the ones trying to do the changing. I can't remember the last time one of my buddies spoke of trying to change a woman. Typcially, men look for the kind of women they want to be with. Women often hook up with a man an then want to change him into the man she wants to be with. Of course all women don't do that. But it seems pretty common.
9. 

   King James Thursday - 30 / 07 / 2009 Reply

   @ CartersMom .. Why is it always a this or that situation. Of COURSE we would all rather have someone who is caring than a jerk. Can I have both? Can she have both? Can I be both to her?
10. 

    LA Momma of 2 Thursday - 30 / 07 / 2009 Reply

    @ KJ LOL!! If everyone had BOTH we wouldn't have any issues!!! We also wouldn't be able to laugh when we reflect on the journey we've taken. Perspective is everything! ;-)
11. 

    Anna Thursday - 30 / 07 / 2009 Reply

    This especially happens after the "I do's". Some ppl think they can turn a tramp into a housewife/husband or think after marriage they can motivate a man/women to get a job, if he/she didn't have a job when you married don't expect things to change. You can't make a unorganized person organized or vice versa. If someon is a "germ of phobe and washes their hands more than your liking, you just have to get over it, you can't change that if you tried. There are many things that we can change about our mates, but most happen on accident by our "examples". We can also speak up and say "hey just because you have to get up a 4am there is no need to wake up the whole house. LOL.
12. 

    Tara Thursday - 30 / 07 / 2009 Reply

    Man, I think every single comment had some wisdom in there. Put it all together and you've got a super-de-duper post! LOL. I do think men view a woman's desire to change him as a way to control him. That's probably why so many men freeze up if you mention changing anything about them. One thing I probably should have put in the post is that women don't really see it as "changing," but rather, "tweaking." I don't think women hook up with men (I could be very wrong here) who are 20% of what they want and then try to build that 80%. I think women hook up with a 75-80% dude, and try to nudge and tweak and mold him to that 100% when in reality, you're only probably going to get to 95% tops. My hubby's been holding steady at about 93% for a while now. LOL.
13. 

    Tjoy Monday - 03 / 08 / 2009 Reply

    Interesting article and comments. I'm not trying to change anyone because I've been in too many situations where men have tried to change me and it's not a good feeling (i.e - weight, tempermant, independence, etc). I feel that you should date who you want to be with instead of settling and then trying to change that person into your "ideal" partner. AND yes, it is a form of control. I feel that I shouldn't have to go through hoops to be with anyone and vice versa. Accept me at face value or keep it moving. Just like one of the ladies mentioned in her post, you got to choose your battles. Her hubby told her that he likes to hang with the fellas- can't change that. But when she needed quality time from her husband, he didn't miss a beat. That's a fair trade off and it's something that alot people don't like to do --- compromise!
14. 

    Jeff Wednesday - 02 / 09 / 2009 Reply

    Men can change. Women can't change them A woman may help a man change, but she can't do it for him. Not as bad as it sounds. A man can change for a woman when he gets to the point he wants to change because loves her. But he honestly in his heart wants to or it just won't take. And men don't often see their own faults easily. I have learned this lesson. It may be to late for me, but women don't give up on your men. Love them, don't push to hard. They get defensive. Men are very easily hurt when a loved one points out their faults, wehter it's the truth or not. Try asking them to do whatever it is, and make a big deal if/when they do it. Humor us ladies. If he changes, it will be more than worth it. Treating us like a 2 year old really works. We really aren't to bright. Take it from me, men can change. I have.