How Often Should Married Couples Have Sex?

Relationships

by Lamar Tyler | on August 6th, 2009 | 79 comments

bmwkcouplebed

In being a true believer in what Lamar and Ronnie have created here, I wanted to challenge the BMWK family to a relationship test: Have sex with your partner every day for 30 days. Then at the end of the challenge, see what you learned. Were you more chipper in the morning? Did you argue less at night because you knew you were going to be intimate later?

Then I thought, “That might be a bit much.” I love my husband to pieces and our “quality time” is always on point, but every day? For 30 days? Whew.

My friends always joke that as part of a married couple, there is someone there every night available to have sex if you want to. But I don’t want to every night. Most nights, sure. But every night? I don’t know about that.

BMWK family, help me out. What do you think is a good average for a married (highly committed) couple? Once a week? Twice a week? Four times? I know it depends on the couple – but let’s generalize (LOL). If you know your best friend and her husband are only having sex twice a year, would you assume there’s something wrong? Or, if they both agree that twice a year is cool with them, then is that okay? Give your input!

Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer living in Ohio with her husband and two children. Visit her blog, www.theyoungmommylife.com, to read more of her observations about life, motherhood and love.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

http://www.blackwivesclub.wordpress.com Tiya

Jill,

I am saddened to hear that your husband is staying at his mother’s instead of home with you. Do you know exactly what it was that made you disinterested in sex? Is something your husband could have be doing better or something he needed to stop doing? Is it something physical with you that made you lose interest? That might be a good place to start trying to figure out what it is that you don’t like and having a conversation with your husband. Maybe both of you need to express what you need in that department, be honest about what turns you on and off and have him do the same. Hopefully you two can come to a happy medium and be able to fill each other’s needs. I do remember losing interest in sex with my first pregnancy, so my husband and I did have a long dry spell. I know it was all me and I took responsibility for that. I was able to get my mojo back because sex is just, in my opinion, such a great way for us to connect, it’s important and necessary. Couples need to be able to have that intimacy.
Exhausted mom

@hismistress……you stated, “While you are busy complainin’..just think, I have a career and I also have to do all of the things that you do for your household for my household AND I find give YOUR husband some action–why can’t you?” Soooooo, by your statement are you implying that you also have children and a husband in YOUR household (….”and I also have to do all of the things that you do for your household….”, PLUS you’re dipping with someone else’s husband (or several husband’s)? Wow….that must be exhausting….
Sage

As a divorced lady I would like to share my life experience. I too thought at one time that taking care of my children and cleaning my home were very important as well as my professional career. To which I devoted much time as my children and ex-husband could bear witness. Similarly as “Gina” and “Exhausted mom” have expressed to “HisMistress”, I blamed the other woman for breaking up my home. But in the years since my divorce I have had an opportunity to reflect that it wasn’t her it was my fault because I made the choice to neglect my husband. In saying that my husband was wrong for stepping outside of our marriage bed to find satisfaction with another woman but my fault was withholding myself from him for too long. Because in withholding myself I opened the door for the other woman to come in! The scripture tells us: In 1 Corinthians 7:2-5 Paul advises, “Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.” Essentially this says that neither partner in a marriage has a right to deny sex with the other, except if they both make a mutual agreement to abstain for a specified period of time for prayer and fasting. This means a short time, because it is not likely one would or could reasonably continue a real fast for long periods. If he is eating meals then Paul says he should not deny you. One would be tempted to say “deny any reasonable request for sex,” but Paul doesn’t even put that limitation. And this is the reason I say that it was my fault because part of that love is not denying him those things which are a right as part of the marriage…Sex is a right of marriage. So ladies if you want to keep your husbands don’t deny them sex.
http://harriet-canshesaythat.blogspot.com Harriet

amen @ sage! i’m sorry you had to learn that lesson through divorce, though. i’ve learned that the only person’s actions i can control are my own. as such, the house may not be as clean and organized as it could be, for the sake of not wearing myself out so i can have some energy left to make love to my husband.

for real…i don’t mind not being able to have people over. we can go out for all i care. my relationship with my husband, after all the dust settles and the children are gone, is what is most important. more important than trippin’ over a little clutter. )
Robert M

I suspect that everyone whom is having problems w/ this is that the definition of sex is intercourse. Next is how adventerous you want to become w/ intercourse; in the closet, counter top, outodors, elevators.
Try and set some rules I suspect the frequency and number of successful events will rise
classywoman

Hi! My husband and I just celebrated our third anniversary and did not have sex. Our sex life has fizzled really since we got married. We bought a home together first and then we married a year later. Things were fine and now we only have sex once a month and on vacations. I feel that I am to blame because I lost interest in sex with him two years before we got married. I rejected him and now he doesn’t want to have sex at all. We’ve talked about it and I even told him that I hope we don’t stray away to people like “His Mistress.” I want to save my marriage and do things the godly way, but how can I enhance our sex life if my husband isn’t interested in me anymore? I feel like we are roommates.
sad and lonely

i’m 49 years old and been married to the same
woman for 30 years. sex has always been a problem
she came from an abusive family her dad
beat her mom you same old story. I guess it
had a lasting affect on her. sometimes we don’t
have sex for months, it’s been this way for as long as
I can remember. I know what your thinking
why did I stay, well, I love her first of all
and I was raised that she stay married and
god does not want you to get divorced
I still love her much I guess I always thought
if I was good to her it would get better
but it never did. now my problem is this
the older I seem to get the harder it is to
to deal with it she won’t seek counseling
I know she loves me . she says she’s sorry
but she can’t talk to a stranger about it. I don’t
know what to do . I’ve done this for 30 years
but for some reason I can’t now I feel like I’m losing
my mind. I came across this site and said what the he’ll
I’ve never done this before. man would I like to have sex
with my wife everyday for 30 days. I’m sorry if this is the wrong
place for my story. I just don’t know what to do. on those rare
times we have sex it’s only because I’ve bugged her about it
and all she wants is for it to be over and done with. I can’t believe
I’m writing this. I bet you can’t believe it and to top it
off I’m a alright looking guy and boy is she still fine.
well that’s it maybe i’ll get lucky in my next life!!!!

deal with this. I can deal with this no longer
she won’t seek counseling I know she loves
me she says she’s sorry.but she can’t talk
to some stranger. I
this no longer
Bigmann

@ Classy woman: i feel you. what I can suggest is this; sit down with him again and talk over this.Be honest with him about why you went off sex sometime back and how sorry you are if its affected him this much (if you have’nt already done so).
Ask him what he thinks the way foward should be and how and what he wants you to do to make up.
Then after this you may go away on a short holiday (doesn’t need to be expensive) maybe a weekend away for a revitalised honeymoon.
Try and make the idea his. i.e sell the idea to him to own it, so that it wouldn’t be another you organising things for him. I know what I’m talking about cos when men own the idea, we do all things to sustain it.
maybe that will be the beginning of your 2nd honeymoon and fresh start. if y’all christians, then back this idea up with constant prayers and the good Lord will see you thru.
All the best
Bigmann

@ Sad and Lonely: I don’t even know where to begin. since you said she loves you, I can safely presume that divorce is not on her mind. if thats the case, then you can safely let her know that there’s a problem in the marriage which both of you need to work it out.
You are not entirely happy about your sexual life (still complimenting her on other areas of the family life, maybe being a good mother, getting the house done etc).
Maybe before this you can prepare her mind by both of you sitting by websites like this to read people’s problems and what other couples are going through. It lessens the severity of your own problems once you know you are not the only couple facing difficulties.
That could be a good start to discuss your own problems. you may have to start all these when both of you are in good mood so that it doesn’t flare up.
All the best and God bless your marriage
classywoman

@ Bigmann- thank you very very much for the wonderful and Godly advice. I am so thankful to the lord that I found this site because it has opened my eyes to things that I have done wrong in my marriage. Sage stated that she read 1 Corinthians 7:2-5. I picked up my bible and read this scripture as well and it was wonderful and so eye-opening! I have made the mistake of rejecting my husband sexually in the past because I had sexual abuse from my father as a child (which I just realized affected my sexual desire) and now I am paying for it. However, I cannot allow the enemy to come in and destroy my marriage. I am a christian and my husband is of a different faith, but we both believe in God and we are looking for a church home to worship together. I believe we have found the perfect church, but of course I would love to stay at the church that my family attends, but I must do what God is calling me to do and fix my marriage. I will sincerely apologize to my husband and to God as well for my rejection. It probably won’t hurt to get some counseling for my child abuse as well. I hope this will strengthen our relationship because I really want a family and to have a forever lasting happy marriage in the eyes of the lord. Thank you again for your wonderful advice. God bless!!
Jonesi

I am not married yet (we’ve been together for about 5 years), but one issue I have noticed in my own relationship is the inability to separate sex from affection. IMO they are two different experiences, yet for my fiance, they pretty much go hand in hand at times. We just recently completed pre-marital counseling, and our last session centered on sex in your marriage. I found it interesting this particular topic was saved for last. But anyway, Though sex isn’t ALL a relationship is about, from what I learned from a religious standpoint is that it is indeed just as important as any other aspect of marriage.

What bothers me about {some} male opinions is how clueless they are when it comes to fulfilling their spouses outside of the actual act. Not having sex can be an easily identified infraction, yet what about those men who show no consistent affectionate behaviors (modified to suit the needs of your mate) yet expect to be satisfied according to their own personal needs. It just doesn’t sit right with me, and I pray I never have to experience this in my own marriage. But both people have to be equally fulfilled. Nither partner is an simple object of satisfaction. Our counselor told us sex starts from the time you wake up to the time you pursue the act….and I agreed. It is a process and not to put this all on men, but for those who are so unhappy, I challenge you to ask your wives are they satisfied as well? Does she feel valued, protected, desired, appreciated; heck, do you help her with the household responsibilities? Kids? ARE YOU BEING A SOURCE OF SUPPORT?!!?!…you get the point.

And for the women who use being busy, tired, etc. as an excuse (and yes I understand responsibilities CAN AND DO get overwhelming, but people make time for what they deem important – it can be worked out!), I see it as more of a cry for help of some sort…seriously, who doesn’t want to enjoy loving on their spouse? IMO women just don’t stop having sex for a no reason, (sometimes) regardless of previous issues. I’ve been sexually violated in the past, but was able to work past that with the love, support, and understanding of my fiance – but it takes time, genuine concern and support.

I will never operate according to my fiance’s needs alone, and by expressing that he is starting to get the point. But somewhere along the way in these relationships, the ball was dropped and it really doesn’t matter by whom, because when one person is unhappy both are unhappy.

Personal Experience: For example – You can’t just walk in the door from work, say hi in passing, sit on the counch and do homework or watch tv for a couple of hours, eat the dinner, go back to watching tv again, then expect me to follow you in to the bedroom once you’re ready to go to bed…um, NO! (LOL) I laugh now because I can’t believe how he thought that was ok for so long, but then again, I fault myself more for not being upfront earlier about it. So I would lash out in unproductive ways, and it never solved the problem. Now, he kisses me when he walks in the door, hugs me often, texts or calls atleast once during the day, watches what I want to watch on tv more often, says I love you WAY more often and I find myself falling back in love again. But it didn’t happen over night and this is something he will have to work on for the rest of our lives….and I have areas I need to work on as well. To be honest, it just feels so good to FEEL loved, to see it and hear it in some form on a daily basis.

Work hard to reconnect and when both parties are mindful of what they are lacking and focused on giving rather than receiving at the forefront, you will be amazed at what difference it can make. Good luck to everyone!
http://theyoungmommylife.com Tara

@Jonesi – After that comment, can we be best friends? Please?

Man, you get it. I really think your marriage will be SOLID AS A ROCK. LOL.

Your comments about men who are unhappy need to see if their wives are satisfied is right on. Instead of looking inward all the time, figure out what you can do to help your partner.

A few weeks ago I was irritated that my husband rarely helped out around the house when he got home. Instead of sulking that I’m doing so much work by myself, I looked outward. When he came home, I made sure that dinner was ready, made him a plate and gave him a massage. I asked was everything okay at work and how was his day. Lo and behold that next day I came home to a sparkling clean kitchen. If I had just sat there and nagged him, do you think he would have helped out? Maybe, but probably not.

In a good marriage, when one person isn’t giving 50 percent, you have to give more to compensate. Be there for each other. Jonesi said it best – it is important to FEEL loved, to hear it, see it, touch it. Amen, girl!
Jonesi

@Sad and Lonely

“she came from an abusive family her dad
beat her mom you same old story”

When I read this, I have to admit, I was caught off guard by the tone and kind of offended. I, for one, can testify to how traumatic an environment as such can be, and I’m just guessing but I’m sure you treat the situation the exact way you feel about it – like it’s nothing. I don’t normally get so personal, but I’ve been keeping up with this post for days now and one thing I know is that not having a father, having an abusive father, or being violated in the past has lasting affects whether it’s talked about or not. You have no idea how hard it may be for your wife to deal with her issues and she may be reluctant to attend counseling because it seems like you just want to drag her there to “fix” her so yall can start having sex again. You aren’t pursuing counseling because you are genuinely concerned about the issues that are causing her to refrain from the act. With that said, I wouldn’t go either.

I get to a point where I shut down when I feel like I am alone in my struggles and pleasing others is off my radar when I don’t feel cared for or concerned about. I think everybody gets to a point where you can only give so much, and it starts to wear you out when you feel abandoned emotionally and physically. So go to her and ask her what can you do to help HER….not what needs to be done to make it simply go away so you can get her in bed. Who knows….you might discover some things about her you never knew….
http://earlyfamilyyears.blogspot.com Relationship Education

Well, the latest research shows an average couple has sex 61 times a year – that’s about 1 time a week and some. How often depends on the couple’s preference. Speaking on a personal note – having a hubby, a preschooler, an infant, business/work etc brings a world of exhaustion! I like what Michele Weiner-Davis (marriage guru) says, have sex based on the Nike ad “Just Do It”! In other words – get to to doing it and you’ll get in the mood! We should also explore scheduling it – we do schedule everything else in our lives! As for the exhaustion that most ladies can attest to – there are some things we can drop off our calendars and slot in some love making. Sex is a great stress reducer. Guys could help their wives by being extra romantic, doing a few more chores around home. There’s nothing sexier than a hubby vacuuming or doing dishes! Seriously I did write an article about a study that found husbands who did housework had more sex on average than couch potato hubbies. So sex frequency depends on our prioritizing, re-scheduling, and helping our partners reduce their stress load. So how often? As often as you both make it!
Jonesi

@Tara – sure! I already told you that you were my young, married, mommy idol/mentor!
Jonesi

And I have one more thing…and I would LOVE feedback:

Someone (boyfriend, fiance, or husband) wanting to simply have sex with me is not a compliment – in and of itself. Is it just me?

I think I read or heard one day a guy saying his significant other should be happy he wants to have sex with her so much! And I busted out laughing but I was so amazed by his comment I didn’t even bother giving my two cents. But his comment always stuck with me because he was so serious. (I will save my opinion later for anyone who so kindly gives their take on this).
http://www.wisdomswork.com DonielleMichele

Doing my dance: saying “Go Jonesi, go Jonesi!!” LOL….I’m silly but girl u have said it all!
Jonesi

.
classywoman

Jonesi I really like the advice you gave earlier and I also agree on your comments about men who are unhappy need to see if their wives are satisfied also. But, sometimes it is also up to the woman to tell her man what her needs are. How is he supposed to know if his woman is not satisfied if she isn’t telling him that she’s not satisfied? That could also be my problem as well.

So what did you and your fiance do to bring back the love and affection in your relationship? Tara I love your comments as well. My husband actually does more housework now then before we were married– but the problem is now we are too busy to have sex! He says he has responsibilities, etc, etc. But, we need time for us and I miss holding hands, kissing, and just being in love. I want to rekindle that magic but don’t know how to do it w/o getting rejected.
Jonesi

@classywoman – Honestly, we are very much still a work in progress. But, what I do know is the power of honest communication; respectful, conducive communication. I can be very abrasive in my language OR I can come across very whiny. But lately, I have taken a more direct, serious approach. I am very serious about my pesonal happiness and being happy with our union, and without getting off topic too much, I have a fear of allowing anyone, especially men, stiffle my peace of mind. Typically (and unfortunately), when I feel I can’t get through to someone, or I feel I have been wronged or that someone just doesn’t care enough about me to change, I would just walk away and move on. But in this instance I don’t want to do that. I really want to be together and I am willing to attempt to be patient enough and work things out – but I had to say it so he could understand why I felt a certain way.

One thing I learned is that some men need examples. Telling him how I felt wasn’t enough. He didn’t even recognize his own behavior. So I point it out when it’s happening. Now I have to admit it may turn in to an argument, but still he is aware at that very moment, and for the most part, it might not happen again. So be direct and timely. If I take time to point something out to him, then he knows I am serious. But there is a fine line between doing so and nagging lol….man this marriage stuff is going to be funny! *But so worth it* Right now we are in a battle zone because I think we are both kind of nervous…well I know I am….but I made a promise to myself to never give up on us and because he knows where my heart is, eventually he opens up enough to genuinely try to change, not for me, but for us!
sad and lonely

jonesi
please don’t misunderstand me
I would never dismis abuse
I’m may not get my point across
that well. u seem to think I’m only interested
in fixing my wife for my own pleasure
let me give u a little more info
the counseling i’m speaking of is for
the both of us. we have been together
since high school 32 years i have been
faithful and supportive. my family life
was so different than hers my father
was not a bastard like hers. I must say
I haven’t known how to help her all these
years except love and caring and being faithful
I convinced myself that sex did not matter

because I love her that much it’s only the last
years that I’ve had these feelings like I’ve missed
out or something the last thing I want is to recent her
like I said I’ve been with her since I was17. I am
now 49 I really hate feeling this way
perhaps it’s already to late. I just wanted u to know
how much I love this woman I would slight the bad she
was forced to see. she is the love of my life
Lora

I feel it shouldn’t come down to qauntity as much as qaulity. Qaulity overrides any amount, don’t be caught up in the numbers it doesn’t matter. A good qaulity sex life is the best any couple could ask for.
Leon

Just a perspective from another angle. I am in my early 40′s and have been married to my wife for 20+ years. Currently we are coming up on week 9 without being intimate, and we’ve made love once in the last 15 weeks, and probably about 4-6 times in the last 6 months. It’s been a very lonely summer! Over the course of our relationship, spanning 25+ years, I’d have to say our average is 2-3 times a month with dry spells as long as 8 months.

I’m looking for any insight or advice you have to see if I’ve missed something and I’m too close to the situation to see it.

I’m happy to say that our sex life is the single worst aspect of our marriage. Everything else is really very good and, looking around at friends who deal with infidelity, power struggles, financial issues and parenting crisis, I have to say I count my blessings that our major conflict is something that we can work out between us. My wife is an incredible friend and an amazing mother. She is confident in her abilities both in the home and in her career and we share our thoughts and feelings about everything in our lives regularly. We are OK financially. We have never had to deal with major loss of trust.

Having said that, the lack of sex drives me screaming up walls.

I’ve gotten to the point where I bear the lack of intimacy in silence because, as Gina implied, I don’t want her giving pity or annoyance sex just to keep me quiet for a couple of week. I just keep my eyes open for any signs that she might be interested, and keep the communication and support going.

I do as much around the house as I can – she usually doesn’t clear a dish, fill or empty the dishwasher or wipe a countertop. I’m a lousy cook so unfortunately any “help” I offer in that regard runs the risk of giving food poisoning rather than nourishment. I clean some laundry, fold and put cloths away, and take care of our 4 children (ages 17, 13, 10 and 7) from the time I get home until they go to bed.

Part of the issue is a long-running health challenge. My wife is usually “done” by 7pm (sometimes she can make it until 10, but that is rare). Originally thought to be thyroid, we now believe it is hormonal in some way, but nobody has any answers or solutions. In the last year, the exhaustion has been coupled with vertigo and migrains which leaves her feeling drained for a day after an attack.

Another part of the issue is, I think, her attitude toward sex. (this is where I could really use your help to see if I’m off base) My perception is that she finds sex a messy chore that doesn’t have enough benefits to make it worth the effort. In 25+ years of our relationship, our lovemaking has consisted of about an hour of foreplay until she orgasms a few times, then missionary-style intercourse. She has no interest in oral sex (given or received) or other positions, locations, etc. She is responsively aroused but not proactively aroused. As far as I can tell there’s nothing I can do to get her in the mood short of her deciding in her head that she’s going to have sex. No event (birthday, holiday, anniversary) or experience (flowers, dinner, movie) triggers a response that I would call “aroused”.

Yet another part, I believe, is my own hangup. I refuse to demand or even negotiate sex – both when and how sex happens. I believe it should happen because both people feel moved. If she isn’t interested, I can’t handle the thought of her just doing it for my benefit. That seems too close to being a call girl.

So we muddle along. I’m open to any advice about other ways to muddle if you have it.

Committing to 30 days of intimacy is NOT an option, if for no other reason than that (I think) it would be like taking a 400-lb couch potato and telling them to jog (or even walk) a mile every day for 30 days. Nice idea, but it would kill the patient. I’m willing to be proven wrong though.
Sue

Interesting topic and responses. This is in response to Leon. It sounds like your wife is dealing with some serious physical issues and that is sapping her sex drive-has she been evaluated for lupus, multiple sclerosis, chronic fatique syndrome. Is she depressed. Is she menopausal or perimenopausal.
Please hang in there-you need each other. Find a new doctor for her.
Flip the script-if it were you who couldn’t have sex because of illness or erectile dysfunction or lacked desire because of a hormonal issue-you would want someone you really trusted to stand by your side.
After I was diagnosed with lupus I had no desire. Even a light touch made my skin feel bad. I finally discussed this with my doctor and my gynecologist and was able to get back in the groove again but it took about six months.
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Sexyday18

My wife and I have been together for 11 years and we are both 28 years old. We would have sex
about 3-4 times a week. About 1 year ago it cut back to 2-3 times a month. I want sex more but she is never in the mood now. If we do have sex it is like pity sex for me. Keep in mind she will still take out her vib toy and use that instead of having sex with me. I try to put her in the mood and I though I did some times, but now I think she never got in the mood, she just had sex with me because she felt like she has to as my wife. comments?????
Cvett84

Been married 43 years and 30 without any sex or intimacy. For me its been the best 30 years, I have no desire for any kind of intimacy. My wife is totally the opposite, she said she needs the intimacy. Thats her opnion! I don’t want to be touched by her or any one else. I have never been that excited about sex, to me it was just something married people do. At first I only had sex cause my wife wanted it. I just faked it that I enjoyed it. Then I couldn’t perform any more I found out I had E/D I could of hugged my doctor. Also about the same time frame I had high blood pressure, cholesterol, ulcers, depression and taking meds for all this. This further destroyed my libedo. I’m happy the way I’am !!!! Told my wife to get a girl or boy friend and this really p/o her.
But thats life in my world.
MARTIN

after reading some of these post I CANT WAIT 2B SINGLE AGAIN