How Often Should Married Couples Have Sex?

Relationships

by Lamar Tyler | on August 6th, 2009 | 79 comments

bmwkcouplebed

In being a true believer in what Lamar and Ronnie have created here, I wanted to challenge the BMWK family to a relationship test: Have sex with your partner every day for 30 days. Then at the end of the challenge, see what you learned. Were you more chipper in the morning? Did you argue less at night because you knew you were going to be intimate later?

Then I thought, “That might be a bit much.” I love my husband to pieces and our “quality time” is always on point, but every day? For 30 days? Whew.

My friends always joke that as part of a married couple, there is someone there every night available to have sex if you want to. But I don’t want to every night. Most nights, sure. But every night? I don’t know about that.

BMWK family, help me out. What do you think is a good average for a married (highly committed) couple? Once a week? Twice a week? Four times? I know it depends on the couple – but let’s generalize (LOL). If you know your best friend and her husband are only having sex twice a year, would you assume there’s something wrong? Or, if they both agree that twice a year is cool with them, then is that okay? Give your input!

Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer living in Ohio with her husband and two children. Visit her blog, www.theyoungmommylife.com, to read more of her observations about life, motherhood and love.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

Dedra Clark-McGee

I just had my husband read the article and he said “thirty days of sex”? “I’m working on thirty days without”! As couples we let our lives get in the way. As women we work at job outside the home, then we come home and start the second job. Most times we don’t have help and by the time bedtime comes we are not in the mood for anything, but sleep. So now it becomes a matter of how do you reconnect with your spouse in a way that leads to sex. Men and women are programed different. Most of us need intellectual stimulation and affection given to us outside of the bedroom before we are ready to give it up. Men are the opposite they’re usually ready whenever. So there has to be balance and expectations need to put out there and re-evaluated over time. Good luck to anyone who decides to take this challenge!
http://www.mrkingjames.blogspot.com King James

Dedra, so what’s a good average in your mind? Was he joking when he said 30 days without?
http://harriet-canshesaythat.blogspot.com Harriet

30 days without sex…Lord, have mercy. *fanning furiously* the only time that ever happened was that six weeks we had to wait after i had our son. LOL

yes, every couple is different, but to generalize, i think 3-4 times per week is healthy. you know how they say you need 30 minutes of cardiovascular exercise three times weekly to maintain a healthy lifestyle? i would say the same is true of sex with married couples, and then some extra for the gusto. LOL

i gave my husband some coupons for Father’s Day, though. that increased our activity for a few weeks. he used them all up within a month, though. LOL!!!!
http://singlikesassy.blogspot.com SingLikeSassy

TMI but…we did this last fall after hearing the story about the couple who did it for a year! It was fun and not at all as I imagined. We laughed and explored each other and our relationship and I think we learned new ways of being intimate together.
http://www.blackwivesclub.wordpress.com Tiya

I was startled at first of the idea of 30 days, but then I thought maybe we should try this challenge. I bet it would be fun, lol. I think on average a good 3-4 times a week works for me. I would definitely think something is wrong with a couple who has sex only twice a year, or even twice a month, that’s just not healthy.
Cheryl

This is interesting. My hubby and I tried to do it for 7 days just last week. It was fun, but exhausting. I will admit that I did not get irritated at little things around the house as much as usual, but then again, maybe I was too tired to notice! Normal for us is more like 2 times a week, sometimes 3. With 2 stressful jobs and 2 small children (under 3 – one special needs), it is almost impossible to grab a moment to ourselves.
TheAverageBlackman

How often should a married couple have sex? As often as the want. I know we are generalizing but every couple is different. No matter what number you put on it I bet it’s not enough for on partner and too much for the other. I have been married to a beautiful sister for 12 years and we have one child, 4 years old, but over the year we have had our times were it seemed like we were having sex everyday and we have been on the other side where it seemed like months had gone by with any sex. I think if we have to put a number on it and look at this thing like everyone is equal then I would say at least once a week is good.
Exhausted mom

As a new mom of a 1yr old, I realize that I used to say (before I was married and before having a baby) that I couldn’t see why a married couple could go for days, weeks, or months without having sex if they really loved each other. I’ve certainly had to re-evaluate my thinking on that. I was always interested in having sex with my husband after we got married, and even right up to around my 7 month of pregnancy (our son was 6 weeks early), but after having our son, caring for him (still nursing, and it sometimes takes a lot out of me), taking care of the household (my husband is FAR from neat!), and working, having sex is just one more thing that I really don’t have the energy nor interest in doing. I know it sounds harsh, but I’M JUST NOT FEELING IT right now. I’ve expressed to him that maybe if he assisted me around the house a bit more, that would free up some of my energy, but he is not consistent with that at all. I know men are wired a bit differently and I know he wishes it were back to the way it was when we first married, but mentally and emotionally, I’m not there. And for me, if that isn’t there, the physical isn’t going to be there either. I sometimes think I should just let him “get his fix” and get it over with, but I’m not good at acting, and I know he’ll be able to tell that I’m not feeling it……
gina

I’m apparently in the minority here, but 3-4 times a week sounds simply exhausting and *awful* to me. Who honestly wants it that much, that isn’t living in a romance novel? Who has that kind of time?!

We just ended a 25 day drought, and that was just because he kept reminding me of how long it had been. I just let him get his and had it over with. Feeling a little sullied this morning is the price for two weeks’ peace, at least.
Exhausted mom

@Gina….TRUST….I fully understand.
TheAverageBlackman

Gina and Exhausted mom, I agree everyday is maybe to much the key is to find a happy balance not matter what you situation. And I guess the biggest key is communication, letting you partner know how you feel and what your needs are.
Anna

I don’t think we should concentrate on the quanity but the quality. I don’t have little ones and hubby helps around the house so we don’t have to sync our calendars. Spontanous is more fun. I’d rather have quality once a week than less than medicore every day.
Da Minister

I was tickle reading these responses because we have the “lovers” and “sexers” responding so differently that it’s amazing. The “lovers” are the ones who are pleasing their spouse by accepting whatever they would love to do. Lovers are givers the don’t think of what they want but do what pleases the person that they are in love with. On the other hand the sexers are the ones who decide when it’s applicable to have sex with their spouse, they will either hold back or take from their spouse which neither is good. No matter how we look at it we can agree the excuse are like mosquitoes there is always to many and they hurt! Thank God to the spouses that pleases their spouse regardless of how they fill. Men talk to your wives and let her know how beautiful she is and you would can only see you having sexual intimacy with her. Ladies understand your husband sees many women daily that act like its ok to walk around in public with lingerie. If we stop “having sex” and start making love again the “love making” will never start or never end!!!!!!
alan

I found this site several weeks ago, deciding to post, admittedly I had a rough start. I apologized to Harriet and became more of a reader. After reading this and all of the posts, I had to make a statement. I do not wish to know how many times married couples are having sex, nor do I care. What I do care about, is how often are African American families attending PTA meetings, having family dinners, becoming home owners, amassing 25,000/ 50,000 accounts with ariel funds (largest black mutual fund) or any investment vehicle. Many kids, far too many can tell you about hearing their parents’ grunts and groans-which has resulted in African American teens leading the Nation in teen pregnancy, STD’s, & the virus that causes aids. i would like to challenge black parents to being their consistently for 30 days for their kids. My fiancee and I attended 3 open PTA meetings prior to school starting this week and on all 3 ocassions, not 1 black family attended. I wonder after reading this blog if they were home trying to answer this sex challenge….

Bjdaniel

Healthy sexual relationships between man and wife, lead to healthy marriages, and healthy home lives for their children. This all equals fewer cases of divorce and cheating wifes and/or husbands. Sex is a healthy bond between married adults, and discussing it , in no way means that we are focusing less on our children.

MissJay

@alan’s response

There are other topics that relate to what you are talking about. If this topic is not in your interest then why not just bypass and post on one that is? Just a thought…
MissJay

But to comment on this particular post I don’t see myself having sex for 30 days straight. It sounds like too much. I don’t think I’d have that kind of energy.
Anna

alan said:
I found this site several weeks ago, deciding to post, admittedly I had a rough start. I apologized to Harriet and became more of a reader. After reading this and all of the posts, I had to make a statement. I do not wish to know how many times married couples are having sex, nor do I care. What I do care about, is how often are African American families attending PTA meetings, having family dinners, becoming home owners, amassing 25,000/ 50,000 accounts with ariel funds (largest black mutual fund) or any investment vehicle. Many kids, far too many can tell you about hearing their parents’ grunts and groans-which has resulted in African American teens leading the Nation in teen pregnancy, STD’s, & the virus that causes aids. i would like to challenge black parents to being their consistently for 30 days for their kids. My fiancee and I attended 3 open PTA meetings prior to school starting this week and on all 3 ocassions, not 1 black family attended. I wonder after reading this blog if they were home trying to answer this sex challenge….
~~~~~~~
Welcome. How far back did you go to read the comments? We don’t talk enough about “grown folks, doing what grown folks do”. The posts are about get aways and kids and a journey of Jonies wedding that is coming up real soon. Did you read any archived posts? This blog is about family, friends and allows us to vent and share and love and feel love. This blog has many awards with a DVD being sold that the owners of this blog felt necessary to still share their experience and journey with others. This blog blew up real fast. I remember not that long ago this blog had many hits but few comments, but now everyone wants to be apart of what I already felt apart of from day one since I made my first comment. Once again Alan welcome. If you read the archives you will know what this site is about. It’s not black, blue or about sex. It’s about being married with kids and trying to “balance” it all. It’s about infoming us and what’s happening around us and them in their city. I always talk about me, me and me and my kids. I have 3 kids and my youngest turned 20 yesterday. I am not a grandma yet but will be one by my son’s gf in January. I have said this in many posts. This site is not for gossip/entertainment but for family fun and just plain old sharing and I will add “realism”. Is It A Full Moon? LOL.
Jonesi

((Reading Alan’s rant)) *moving on*

->Note to Alan: purchase the dvd and I’m sure you’ll find answers to your pressing iquiries

@Tara – did you find any statistics in regard to possible correlations between lack of consistent sex, misguided anger, and cyber-bullying? Just wondering….
alan

Thanks for all of the spirited responses. It was never my intention to have my dialogue misconstrued as a “rant”. Jamaica Kinkaid stated that the biggest problem with African Americans is that they need to learn to agree to dissagree. There was a blogger on ballerwives.com of whom stated “black people are far more interested in inspecting each others’ underware after sex than reading a book.” After reading many of the post, I could readily see the correlation. Annas’ response really confused me, everyone alluding to this marital dvd-and she almost “gushingly” boast of her son having a baby in january from his girlfriend (not wife). It speaks volumes about black people and moral turpitude, as well as adult responsibilities. “Who can have sex for 30 straight days.” Inquiring minds would like (need) to know.
http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com Lamar

@Alan – I don’t see a problem with this post or promoting intimacy in married couples. A lack of intimacy is one of the leading causes of divorce so I think this topic is just as important as if you attend a PTA meeting or not. I’m sure after attending that meeting little Johnny would like for mom and dad to go home together and not back to their separate homes right?

Most of the topics you’ve mentioned we’ve already covered to some degree and I’m sure we’ll cover again in the future. Just do a search if you feel so inclined. If you don’t wish to know how many times married couples are having sex then move on to the next post or hit that red X in the upper right hand corner because there are lots of married folks that do want to know.

What I keep stressing is that the Internet is a wonderful place where if you don’t like what you see you can move to something else or create your own and that is basically what we’ve done here.

Thanks for reading.
http://theyoungmommylife.com Tara

@Lamar – What is up with my posts lately? LOL. Someone’s always starting a ruckus!

@Alan – If you read the responses, no one is really disagreeing with you. I know for a fact that the moms and dads that frequent this site are very involved in their kids’ lives. But really, it can’t be PTA meetings and reading books all the time. Sex is an important part of any marriage. It keeps your marriage strong and healthy by being able to connect on that level.

“Many kids, far too many can tell you about hearing their parents’ grunts and groans-which has resulted in African American teens leading the Nation in teen pregnancy, STD’s, & the virus that causes aids. i would like to challenge black parents to being their consistently for 30 days for their kids. My fiancee and I attended 3 open PTA meetings prior to school starting this week and on all 3 ocassions, not 1 black family attended. I wonder after reading this blog if they were home trying to answer this sex challenge….”

I do not believe a parent’s sex life has anything to do with African American teens sex life. Teens try to have sex because….teens try to have sex. If anything, showing teens that sex is best in a loving, committed marriage is the better route. Am I wrong?

You do not need to challenge black parents to be parents for 30 days. That’s an insult to me and the rest of the parents I know on this site. I do not appreciate that.
Laura

I think at least 3-4 times a weeks should definitely be what is aimed for. Making love to your partner is such an integral part of marriage. No one is saying that every single time has to be long and mind-blowing. There’s nothing wrong with a quickie here and there. Men and women are wired differently, with men wanting sex just about everyday. The sad reality is that if he’s not getting it on a regular basis from the one he should be getting it from, the door is sometimes opened to pornography, or worst yet, adultery.
http://www.wisdomswork.com DonielleMichele

Wow….I will keep mine short….lol! Sex has definitely taken a back seat in my marriage after the kids came along. It sounds crazy but I can go months without it and I’m good. Now, my husband may not be….lol! We are working on it but it is a process and the little ones don’t make it easy either with their night time demands! Most nights we spend fighting to keep the 2 year old in HIS own bed and the 17 month old still sleeps in our room. So, eventually we will get there. I do make sure all of his other needs are met. I take care of house and he’ll just have to patiently wait for the times when we can “do it” more….lol! I love how I said “do it!” LMBO!!!
Christina

@alan,

How did those dedicated parents who attend the PTA meeting get the children that they parent in the first place? Some are by adoption and other means, but most were the good, old fashion way. And as someone who heard my parents “grunts and groans”, as you put it, I can tell you that my husband is the only person I’ve slept with and we didn’t have our first child until we’d been married for 3 years. Imagine that!

My husband and I are very dedicated to our children and very active in their lives (as are EVERY married black couple I know and I surrounded by quite a few). But our sex life is also very important to us. I’m a firm believer (and research supports) that children feel the most loved when they know their parents love EACH OTHER. Sex is a way this love is expressed.
Exhausted mom

@Christina….yes sex is “a” way this love is expressed, but I’m sure we can agree that it certainly not the “only” way it can be expressed. Taking care of the household, (which can include doing ALL of the cooking, cleaning, etc.),taking care of a child or children, working, and just LIFE can really take a toll. Shoot, cleaning up can be a form of intimacy someone doesn’t usually do it! That would probably get someone more sex than just being not so subtle about how long it’s been, etc.
TheAverageBlackman

I guess it’s time for me to weigh in again and another two cents. Hear is my situation my wife and I both work two jobs 7 days a week. We have a soon to be 4 year old son, who is very active. Now I know brotha’s/men think and want sex all the time and I’m know different. but our schedule are very crazy I work weekends and she works nights, that’s our second jobs we both have 9 to 5 as well. So we are like two ships passing in the night most of the time. I know some are asking why? We are trying to do just what Alan said good parent should be doing, working to save up money to buy a house and continue to save and invest. So between work and caring for the kids and meeting other family and friend obligation doesn’t leave a lot of time for the extra activates. It’s our fault but we are trying to get our son out of our bed and into sleeping all night in his. I know sometimes when I really want to but she is tired and I respect that. I also know that I can and should do more around the house, and I’m trying. So instead of complaining about what I’m not getting I’m happy for what I have, a loving family. we where married for like sever years before we had our son and we dated for like sever years before we married, so we have had so much sex that we should not want for it and if we happened to go an extended time with out being intimate it’s not the end of the world for us because I know the next time we do it will be worth the wait.
Tamara

I think its up to the couple to decide. It ebbs and flows. My marriage’s ideal sex frequency may not be right for the next married couple, naamean?

Uh, but Im down for the 30 day sex challenge! *ahem* lol
Dwane

Great blog/post. Glad I found this, my search was for average # of sex per week for hapily married couple.

Issue is that I would like to think 3 to 4 times per week would be great. My spouse want me to belive that 1 maybe 2 times per week is what is normal.

Marieed 19 years with 4 kids ages 5 to 15.

I have the normal 8 to 5 job with take home work 2 times per week and some weekends. She work 3 days per week and yes do the normal house chores and mostly involved with taking care of the family.

We do the normal kids activity, helping kids with home work, PTA meetings, runninbg kids to soccer, football, etc.

Involved with the weekend family parties (most during summer).

So yes, I want to knbow what is average for happily married couple.
alan

@Lamar, Tara, Christina-your responses are all well taken. My take is that I find this particuliar blog unnecessary on such a great site. Why must we (black people) always be soo concerned about sex? Liberia, South Africa, Haiti, and all over America, black little girls are being raped every 15 seconds, by black males. This week was such a blockbuster with the confirmation of Judge Sonia Sotomayor, the stock market reaching a milestone high! I made in excess of $23,000, but many African Americans should have grossed a minimum of $1,000 in these hard economic times. In speaking with more than 2 dozen fellow African Americans over the weekend, not “one” made a single shiny penny-not just this week but over this year (Obama Rally). But they all have kids, that theyr’e wondering how theyr’e going to take care of. Maybe I take life too seriously, I was listening to Jay rib Tom Joyner one morning last week about Tom losing his hair over issues he feels African Americans should be taking seriously. Maybe I should take a lesson from Jay and read these blogs and laugh at people.
http://theyoungmommylife.com Tara

@Alan – I get it. You’re concerned with the plight of black folks. I get it. Totally understandable. I commend you for working to inform people about serious topics that we need to focus on in order to make our communities stronger.

However.

This is just one post. One post. This is not a sex blog, nor do we spend the majority of our time talking about how we can get it and what positions and all that. We talk about marriage and relationships and anyone who denies that sex is an important part of marriage is a fool. Since sex is an important part of marriage, we talk about it.
alan

@Tara

Point well taken, sex is important, I grant you. But it constitutes 10% of a relationship, not 90% as many African Americans would have you believe. I will just end my comments with a quote from Pres. Obama. “We can do better as a people.” I’m more than positive that he wasn’t talking about sex relations.
Jonesi

Maybe you should laugh at people? Wow, I was starting to take you seriously until you revealed your elitist mentality. *smh*
Anyway…..

Tara, thanks for writing the post. It gave me A LOT to think about and beware of once I become a wife. I hope to discuss this with my fiance to see how he feels about this and maybe we can devise a plan to prevent disatisfaction down the line…a simple way to stop bad habits from forming
http://harriet-canshesaythat.blogspot.com Harriet

ok, ok, ok…

this website is designed to approach marriage and parenthood from a holistic viewpoint. every topic will not be serious and intellectual. there are three things that cause about 98% of the divorce rates nation wide: sex, communication and money. we have a myriad of topics we discuss that cover at least one of those three areas just about every day.

there may be a dearth of topics covering fiscal and fiduciary responsibility here, alan. i, for one, am in no position whatsoever to write about anything beyond the consequences of unwise finanial decisions. it would seem that you would be a perfect go-to person to discuss such topics, but instead of building bridges to engage in that kind of dialog, you appear to be burning them instead(and please forgive me if i’ve got you wrong).

truthfully, i don’t know the first thing about multiplying money as you have described…but i’d like to learn. i’ve worked for enough difficult people to be an expert in chewing the meat and spitting the bones out. however, your tone could be a huge turnoff to others who want to learn, but don’t take too well to being insulted during the teaching process. couple that with the fact that the topic of THIS particular forum is sexual in nature, and your discourse about money and the PTA is about as irrelevant as bringing such topics up in the middle of lovemaking…please don’t feign surprise that you were met with a barrage of negativity.

i think instead of burning bridges, alan (and everybody else), it would behoove us to take a deeper look and open up further dialog. there’s a way that can happen without being belittled and looked down upon. let’s find a way. please?
alan

I’m a firm believer in being a person of whom knows his/her identy and walks confidently in it, irregardless of the backlashes or consequences it may present. Having said that, I wish to extend my utmost apologies to all on this message board. I love you all as family and it was never my desire or intention to offend or malign anyone. @ Jonesi & Harriet-I’m neither an elitist or arrogant, nor my intent to come off as such. Please again accept my apologies. I remain.
THE NEW MRS

I am very glad I found this blog/website. I am recently married (few weeks) and was just curious about other african american couples and their sex lives. I belive it is very important. i’d like to have sex more often but I am often so tired from working, kids, housekeeping and life in general. My husband is the best. He doesn’t complain at all.

I would like to do the 30 day challenge. I was under thre impression that the more you make love the more you want to make love…. That’s the plan.

Thanks so much for all the great conversation about this. Peace and Love….
http://www.tantrachair.com/homepage.html married couples sex

Posted 26 January 2007 09:34 PM Hide Post
After having 4 kids, most of our disagreements were over having sex. I think most married guys would agree that no matter how many times you have sex per week, guys would always like it more often and the wife would usually settle for less often. I decided a couple of years ago to keep track how many times we have sex and started keeping an excel spreadsheet just to keep perspective of exactly how often we did have sex. My wife does not know about it or I would probably be in trouble. I am 38 and my wife is 37.

The past 2 years we have had sex 155 times and 159 times (average of 3 times per week). I am happy with that average since that includes the weeks that are off limits. It seems a little bit of overkill to keep track but it has reduced any disagreements over sex because now that I keep track it helps me realize that I am getting sex more often than I think.

I don’t know if it has anything to do with my wife getting older or more exhausted but I have noticed that I have gotten a lot more oral sex the past couple of years. I have not kept track of them separately because they are all included in the sex count, however I have probably averaged about one a week. That is relatively new that my wife would rather give me a BJ sometimes instead of having sex. If your wife ask if it is all right if she just gives you a BJ, I don’t know many guys who would complain.

I think the key is to realize that you are probably normal. If the number of times you have sex is truly low, then it should be a wake up call to concentrate on changing that because the first sign of most of my divorced friends was that their sex life became pretty non-existent. I have found that just getting a babysitter and spending a night at a local hotel can really spice things up and by the way can be a very good way to get the average up. Once you have kids, you really have to plan some opportunities to spend some alone time with your wife.
HisMistess

Oh well!!!
After reading this, I can see why us single women have so many married men to choose from to get our action.
It sounds like these “tired” wives are the homewreckers. . .not us
gina

Surely you jest, HisMistress. WIVES are tired because we are keeping a home and family TOGETHER, as opposed to trying to tear it apart — which is what you and your ilk do.

Enjoy your ‘action’; as long as men are unwilling to discuss these issues with their wives, you’ll have plenty of it. But also enjoy the lonely holidays, the justifiably bad reputation, the unwillingness of any woman (with any sense) to ever truly befriend you, and the unsure status you will ever have should you happen to become a wife — after all, karma is not known for her mercy, and there will always be someone younger, prettier, and with fewer morals than even you.
HisMistess

Gina,

I reeally LOVE your kind. LOL

You have time to keep updated on BMWK blog but will put your husband through a 25 day drought?!?!

Then after 25 WHOLE days of him having to “REMIND” you..the LAZY, TIRED, WHOA IS ME wife in you, just lays there and let him “get his”?!
Seems like you and a whole lot of other women have more things to worry about than how I spend my holidays, my karma and/or my morals.

While you are busy complainin’..just think, I have a career and I also have to do all of the things that you do for your household for my household AND I find give YOUR husband some action–why can’t you?

*Before I say, Good Night*

This is my PSA to all the BMWK married folk that want to live with their rose-colored glasses on…

Just because you ain’t givin’it, don’t mean he/she ain’t gettin’ it!
Jonesi

*speechless*
bigmann

Hi folks, here is the deal. we are both in love with each other crazily (if there’s a word like that), we got a 13 month old baby who is now in her own crib. which means more space and manuvre in the room.
we have sex about 3 times a week, in fact i could do the 30 day challenge but she is not really into it. she says she can’t and will be tired but i’m sure if i make the move at night (every night for 30 days) she won’t say no.
Now, what should a brother do. do i start my own 30 day (with her of course) or should i convince her to agree with me so that we can start together in unison knowing from the start that this is what we are doing.
we may do it though without first agreeing and i’m sure she’ll go for iit.
we did about a week like that sometime back. please advice, worried bigmann
http://theyoungmommylife.com Tara

@bigmann – I think 3 times a week is pretty good, but maybe you could explain to your wife WHY you’d like to do the 30 day challenge? Tell her how much you love her and making love is one of the ways to show her. But also, if you’re going to do the 30-day challenge and she’s reluctant, then maybe you should step it up in other areas of the relationship. Wash the dishes if you don’t already. Give her massages without expecting anything in return (if you don’t already). Make her feel good outside the bedroom and then I think she’ll be more apt to make it happen inside the bedroom if you get my drift.
Happy couple

Dear All,

We are a happy married couple since 10 years, we have two children’s, i was reading your comments, find it interesting, can i do my add; thanks.
We are 37/34 years, married couple since 10 years with two children’s ok, both working;
Our sexual life is great, and we are having sex “don’t get chocked!” every day, yes daily almost 6 to 7 times a week since 10 years, when she has period we don’t do intercorse, we are not obsessed as some off you will think, because it is not sex, it’s love making, and both enjoy it.

Be cool don’t organize it, do it when u can, this is something that both feel like, and believe me, i love my wife more than my life, she is every thing for me, and both are hard workers, after coming from work, yes i do help in house keeping, other wise yes she is not a Robot she will be tiered, and sure always i follow here multi-vitamins and food, so she stays in good shape.

Guys enjoy each other and love each other, u can do better.
Men please don’t ask your wife’s much if you’re not providing much, women are not robot after all, they need to relax, yes they will ask for daily if they feel relaxed and not abused ”sorry for the term ladies”
I think once a day is good.
Regards
Happy Couple
http://harriet-canshesaythat.blogspot.com Harriet

LOL…thanks for the advice and the warning, His Mistress. It’s much appreciated.

I’m going to slightly censor everything I want to write about your post, because I couldn’t help but agree with many of your points.

HOWEVER,

From a biblical standpoint, of course you know throwing yourself at married men isn’t the right way to go. But hey…do you.

But for the married women in the house, there is also a scripture that states some women build their houses up with one hand and tear it down with the other. Tearing a house down isn’t just about nagging a man to death or belittling him, or even taking your business and putting it out on the street. You can also tear a house down by not meeting the physical needs of one another.

Although I totally disagree with His Mistress’s lifestyle, her commentary is a warning and viewpoint worth taking note of. For real.
http://theyoungmommylife.com Tara

@Harriet – See, there’s only one thing I think is wrong with HisMistress’ comments, which is why I didn’t write anything earlier.

*deep breath*

I do think some women withhold sex as some type of punishment from their husbands. That’s wrong. But then there are other women who take care of the house, the kids, the husband, and at the end of the day has no energy left. She’s not maliciously withholding the goodies. No, she’s tired and her sex drive isn’t such that it stays at the top of priorities no matter her mood.

I admit I did cringe a little bit when Gina said she just let him get his to keep the peace. But I don’t think women should feel pressured to have sex with their husbands only because they fear he will get it elsewhere, from women like HisMistress.

I think women should do it because they love their spouse, they enjoy it, they are in the mood (or can get in the mood) for it. Worrying that if you don’t have sex X amount of times a month he will go looking elsewhere is a sign that your marriage is a little shaky to begin with.

A real man will work with you. A real man will be able to communicate these needs. (Yes, sex is a need. Maybe not for you, but maybe it is for your partner.) A real woman will be able to express her feelings and is open to what her husband suggests.

All that to say: WORK IT OUT! LOL.
http://www.wisdomswork.com DonielleMichele

Harriet I applaud u!! I have been reading the posts lately and I couldn’t have responded better myself! You are extremely open minded and can definitely take heed when and wherever needed. It would have been easy to take His Mistress’ comments and gone off on some angry rant but you chose another option. You didn’t vondone her behavior but you took something positive out of something sooo negative. You are right, we as women, have to learn to please our men and vice versa. I will also add that God has to be present in the marriage b/c if a man has no spiritual guidance, it doesn’t matter what you do at home. He needs a higher being to answer to…..Real Talk!
gina

hismistress:
You seem to be under the impression that I (or other wives) are “worried” about you. We aren’t.

My husband’s drought was no more a product of my being “lazy” (or of reading a blog) than your being a “mistress” is a product of your inability to find your own man. I did what I had to do, as obviously you do what you feel you have to do. And so will any man stupid enough to sacrifice the sacred vows he made and the family he has created for a few moments of pleasure. Last time I checked, I didn’t marry a stupid man.

I suppose I should be glad for women like you. Association with you makes the unworthy men that much easier to spot. Any man who values getting some sex over everything else? Isn’t worth keeping.

Harriet:
While I see your point about meeting needs, I find it curious that the woman tearing down her house can do so by not having relations with her husband, but there is no mention of a man doing so by guilting/nagging his wife into sex. The only “compromise” is the wife having sex that she doesn’t want!

By agreeing with HM’s post, you’re saying that a man is justified in cheating because we, the ones he took vows to, the ones he built a family with, are, for whatever reason, unwilling to have sex when and how he wants it every time?

I hope this isn’t what you meant.

Just because you want money doesn’t mean you should rob a bank. Just because a man wants sex doesn’t mean he should cheat on his wife.

Being led crotch-first out of a marriage by some female who can only offer him sex is not the hallmark of a real man, much less a husband. Any male who is so easily led is one that is better left where he eventually ends: alone, or with females like HM.
http://harriet-canshesaythat.blogspot.com Harriet

Tara, you said, “I don’t think women should feel pressured to have sex with their husbands only because they fear he will get it elsewhere, from women like HisMistress.”

I agree with you wholeheartedly on that one. I’m not threatened by Her Mistress, but I do take heed in knowing that if my husband EVER cheats, God forbid, I won’t be sitting around wondering what I could have done to keep him closer instead of pushing him away.

Thank God for men and women who will fight to maintain and keep their vows to one another in their marriage commitment.

@ Danielle…thanks, girl!
http://harriet-canshesaythat.blogspot.com Harriet

@ gina,

you said, “By agreeing with HM’s post, you’re saying that a man is justified in cheating because we, the ones he took vows to, the ones he built a family with, are, for whatever reason, unwilling to have sex when and how he wants it every time?

I hope this isn’t what you meant.”

No, that’s not what I meant. No one is JUSTIFIED in committing such an egregious act against their marriage in the form of adultery. However, as a grown woman, I’m not blind to the fact that it happens. I’ve seen it happen to the best of marriages. I’ve seen vulnerabilities creep in and I’ve seen both men and women on the outside looking into another’s marriage prey upon those vulnerabilities just to get a good climax and orgasm. It is what it is.

I can read your heart, girl. Just about every marriage has the potential to go through a season like this. The season will end, though, and hopefully you’ll be just as excited about making love to your husband as you used to be when it does.

What I am saying is that when it comes to commentary like HM’s, you have to learn to chew the meat and spit the bones out. As despicable as I think her lifestyle is, I’m neither the judge nor on the jury. However, for those marriages where vulnerabilities can be seen beyond the naked eye, it would behoove us as ADULTS to see beyond HM’s audacity and look at the point behind her claim.

No one is justified in committing adultery. Every excuse for why is null and void. But just because no one is justified doesn’t mean men and women the world over won’t betray their marriages by doing it anyway. Jew, Gentile, Christian, non-Christian, Black, White…it happens across the board. And we have to steel and solidify our marriages to ensure we’re doing all we can within our own purview to prevent it.
Jill

my husband and i (5 years) are having issues with sex. he has now left me (staying at his mother’s house) for this reason just recently but he says there isn’t another woman. our sex life was never the height of our relationship because before we got married, we felt too much guilt having premartial sex so we barely ever did it. in all honestly, he isn’t the greatest so the sex obviously isn’t why I married him. he’s a good man and father to our 3 year old and i love him so much but over the years i got disinterested in sex. other than sex, we were inseparable. we did everything together, trips, church, family and friends gatherings and had a good time. is there anyone out there that has experienced something like this or have any advice on how to get back on track to save my marriage?