Identity Honesty

Lifestyle

by Lamar Tyler | on August 11th, 2009 | 11 comments

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by Harriet Hairston

“We tell lies when we are afraid…afraid of what we don’t know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. But every time we tell a lie, the thing that we fear grows stronger.” ~ Tad Williams

There are 360 degrees within every individual. As I orbit in, out and around the lives of other individuals, I try my best to do a complete revolution before them. What you see is what you get, whether in public or private. The only part of me that cannot be regularly seen is my candor with my husband or sons. Those areas are reserved specifically for my main men.

I’ve always been extremely transparent in all my dealings, but I’ve found throughout the years that many cannot handle the truth of who I am. I actually realized this daunting fact around the age of 7. During that time, instead of running the risk of a person not liking me, I would lie about my identity in order to gain their favor or friendship. I lied because I didn’t know if they would still like me if they knew everything about me, good, bad and ugly.

Fast forward to adolescence, and my orbit had totally stalled. I was so afraid of what others might think of me that I put myself on pause. Outwardly, I was popular, athletic, talented and gifted. Everybody loved them some Harriet…except Harriet.

Somewhere along the way, I realized that there’s nothing that could be found out about me that would endanger, insult or enrage another person. Yet even if that’s the case, rather than lie about who I am through my actions, I’d rather not allow my orbit to roll over to another person’s life. If you love or like me, cool. If you can’t stand me, cool. If you’d rather not be around me because part of my 360 degrees makes you uncomfortable, cool. If you want to kill me–don’t start none, won’t be none–but even that’s cool.

Recently, I was rejected and written off by someone who had seen just about every part of my 360 degrees (except the aforementioned areas). For some reason, I took it as the highest compliment a person could give me.

A few weeks ago, I wrote an article outlining how I felt about the unfortunate demise of Steve McNair. Boy, oh boy, who would have thought my identity would have come under so much scrutiny and misunderstanding? Now granted, there are times when I have to provide clarity about where I’m coming from, but jeesh! I didn’t think such a simple concept would garner such a controversial response.

As a wife and mother, I’ve realized that who I am can be misunderstood even by those closest to me! My husband and I speak two different languages, and there are times when I get lost in translation. Although they both accept me unconditionally, there are some areas I have to learn how to speak their language so we can move forward with our plans effectively. That’s not always easy to do.

Through it all, I’ve realized in life that honesty in my identity–even at the risk of being viewed as peculiar (read: weird), even when telling a lie is easier and will reduce conflict, even when there is an inherent risk that I will be rejected and written off–is ALWAYS the best policy.

I don’t care what anyone says or thinks. I’m no longer afraid of…

…ME.

So, BMWK…what kinds of misunderstandings and conflicts have you encountered by just being YOU? How did you overcome them? If you’re married with kids, how do you prevent identity conflicts from affecting your marriage or parenthood? Let us hear from you!

God bless!

~ Harriet

Harriet Hairston, a freelance writer, human resources administrator at an HBCU and creator of the motivational blog, “Can She SAY That?!?” has a unique style that brings readers into her life through her transparent demeanor. She lives in Louisiana with her husband and two sons. You can reach her at harriet_hairston@yahoo.com.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

http://itssonicetobenice.wordpress.com Danielle

I love this statement,”There are 360 degrees to every individual.”

I think I’m going to use that Harriett.

The truth is that nobody’s perfect, so pretending that they are, highlighting their attributes, but avoiding their faults causes us to only see one side of the person, causing an imbalance in perspective.

Picture girlfriends who run and tell that they’ve met ‘Mr. Right.’ He’s tall, handsome, educated, compassionate, a community volunteer, a consistent church attendee, with a six-figure income. He’s just perfect and they want you to think so, too.

So they leave out his controlling behavior, filthy home, and poor hygiene.

The truth is that everyone has strengths and weaknesses. Pros and cons. Good and bad. And I believe I work more efficiently when I’m aware of both.

Not just in others but myself as well.

Unfortunately, everyone doesn’t think this way, they only see and acknowledge their strengths so when you criticize them (even in love) or show a side of yourself that’s not as appealing, it’s often hard to take….which may result in an inappropriate comment or them walking away altogether.

And it’s ok….

An acquaintance recently told me that I was combative…and I laughed because I had never heard that adjective used to describe me before.I explained that maybe he meant to use the word ‘challenging’ or ‘confrontational’….I do believe in confrontation, but it doesn’t have to be combative. Later I said,”Why is it a problem because you have to think before you speak to me? Are you upset that I don’t believe your exaggerations and generalizations?”

To make a long story short….I’ve haven’t heard from him in a few days

I’m not sure what it is about being in my thirties….I just entered by the way, but I just don’t care anymore about being perfect or fitting into the boxes other people have designed for me.

I’m just going to be Danielle and that’s what I really hear you saying in this post.

I just don’t care…..that’s one of the reasons why I love Chrisette Michelle’s Blame it On Me. In the song, she’s talking her breakup, but basically she’s telling him to tell people whatever, give any reason for the breakup, just understand that I must walk, I’m leaving, and “you can say whatever you like.”
http://www.blackwivesclub.wordpress.com Tiya

Harriet,

I just adore the way you express yourself. I believe that what we see is what we get. I have always respected individuals who weren’t afraid to be who they are and also were comfortable acknowledging their shortcomings. I also use to try and fit in and be who others thought I should be.It actually took me a long time to get to a place where I was completely comfortable being me and where I was able to admit my character flaws. Now that I’m here, there’s no turning back. One day I came to the realization that our amount of time here isn’t guaranteed so why would I waste any time not being who GOD made me. I also accept the fact that not everyone is going to like who I am and that is ok.
http://harriet-canshesaythat.blogspot.com Harriet

The title of this post was supposed to be “Identity Honesty.” Both of your comments reflect just that.

We are all growing and learning, and it’s important to see people not only for who they really are, but who they have the potential to become WITHOUT deluding ourselves into thinking that serious character flaws are simply “issues that can be resolved if I just change to make him/her like me more.”

I think it’s so important to be who you were created to be, and if others cannot handle it, then cool. I’ll just mosey my orbit along to another place, thankyouverymuch. LOL

That’s what I love about BMWK…I’m free to be me, without having to fit into any “little boxes.” I appreciate Lamar and Ronnie for the freedom to be Harriet. She can be cuckoo at times, but overall, she’s a pretty cool chick. LOL

Errumm…whether you agree or disagree with that last statement doesn’t really matter. ROFL!!!!!
Jonesi

Harriet I will share my story later when I get off…but this was just what I needed. God is so amazing (I dedicated my status to you! lol)
http://harriet-canshesaythat.blogspot.com Harriet

can’t wait to hear it, jonesi. i know it’s going to be an eye-opener.
michele

I used to have self-esteem issues as a teenager (as I’m sure most of us did at one time or another). It wasn’t until I got into adulthood that I actually began to love me for who I was. I knew I wouldn’t find a mate to love me if I didn’t love me first. Before I met my husband, I ventured out on a personal journey to find out who I really was on the inside, to see if one day I could measure up as someone’s wife/mother. Could I rise to the challenge?! I know God ultimately created each of us in HIS own image, but I wanted to know what made me view certain situations the way I viewed them. Why do I feel the way I do about love, relationships, friendships with other women, friendships with other men…what makes me tick?! Do I really care if anyone else agrees with me or not, likes me or dislikes me? No, not really. I know who I am on the inside. I know what I will and will not do, what I will and will not say. I know what I will fight for, and what I’ll let just fall by the wayside.

I used to be quiet, timid and shy. I was easily pushed over, looked over, not thought about. When I began to stick up for myself and own up to my individuality, that tiny little voice inside me came alive! It was boisterous, it was powerful, it was a force to be reckoned with. I haven’t backed down since! (Although my husband probably wishes that I would sometimes…LOL)!!!!!!! I AM a beautiful black woman on the inside, and out!

I agree with the comments above, I may not be everyone’s cup of tea, and they might not be mine. I will do what I have to do to co-exist in this world. I won’t intentionally step on anyone’s toes, or put them “in their place” unless it’s ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY for me to do so. In that instance though, it has to be something that I’m passionate about. I’m not going to disrespect anyone or anything just for the sake of getting my point across. I know when to compromise, and when to leave something alone. When to be that b#%&*, and when to stay in my place. Life is an open book, get to know me, and you’ll get the whole story. Some parts you might not like, but by the end, you’ll find that it was a pretty good read.

I’m not designed to be like anyone else but……..ME.
http://harriet-canshesaythat.blogspot.com Harriet

@ michele,

“i’m not designed to be like anyone else but….ME.”

LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!
http://blackandmarriedwithkids.com Lamar

I changed the title Harriet. Please don’t quit LOL
http://harriet-canshesaythat.blogspot.com Harriet

@ Lamar

Here’s my two weeks’ notice, man. And I’ll be back in two weeks BEGGING you to take me back. LOL ) It’s all good!
Mrs. D

Good afternoon BlackandMarriedwithkids. I haven’t written in a long, long time but I had to say Harriet, I absolutely love your candor. I absolutely love people who are not afraid to say what is on their mind. We all must keep in mind that God has created individuals and no one else can do what you were designed and created to do. We each have a purpose and a plan for our lives and are works in progress, constantly evolving into what God created us to be. So, please, do you. No one else can do you like you can.

Like apples and oranges are both fruit, they are still different. The same with people we are all different- some rub us like silk and some rub us like sandpaper. Sandpaper people help you grow if you will allow it too but you don’t have to agree with anyone if it is not your core belief, but sometimes it causes you to pause and check yourself. (Because we could be wrong) You just have to pick your battles and use wisdom to know when to engage or when to let it go.
I am free of being a people pleaser. I am just me, striving to be a God pleaser. My main concern is if how I have handled another individual is pleasing to God. Sometimes you have to embrace people, sometimes you must walk away and you pray for the God to give you the wisdom of which to do. Sometimes people are just misunderstood, sometimes folks are just being folks (Ya’ll know how that is) and sometimes folks just plain speak before thinking. So, when I know a situation is going to be combative or controversial, I table it until I can control my words because what I speak has to be my personal truth and something I will stand by unless Jesus tells me otherwise.

Honesty is the best policy. Everyone ought to be free to be who they are. Grown folks ought to be able to agree to disagree when they differ in opinions: if you can’t do that, you might want to re-evaluate the relationship.

@Harriet, you do what you know has been put into you to do. People will praise you one day and crucify you the next. So, you can’t always worry about what the people say.

This is subject that so many people are battling with. We have got to know that we are okay just as we are. We have to stop measuring ourselves against someone else’s standards that may be an illusion anyway.

Peace and Blessings to Everyone

Cynthia Dismuke
http://harriet-canshesaythat.blogspot.com Harriet

thank you so much, cynthia! it’s an honor to have penned the piece that brought you out of hiding. lol

i also receive and appreciate your advice. it’s easy to get drunk off the praises of other people, but that hangover is NO JOKE!!! those same people who begged for fish and loaves will be the very ones setting you up to be murdered.

but through it all, i’ve found comfort, balance and amazement in the consistency of Jesus. His character is unassailable, and when He shows me others’ true colors (and my own), He pours upon me the grace to love them (and myself) for who they are. He also gives me the insight to celebrate them (and myself) for every ounce of our potential for greatness.

simply amazing.

Identity Honesty

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