Dear BMWK: He Left Without a Goodbye

Dear BMWK

by Lamar Tyler | on August 12th, 2009 | 90 comments

dearbmwk

Dear BMWK,

I need to reach out, I am so depressed and driving myself to pure insanity. I met my soul mate, a man that is true to me and what he gives is pure in heart. He is emotionally attentive. When he speaks to me I stand still because he is so intelligent. We have great passion for one another and the chemistry is off the chain. I was not looking for this man when he found me. He wasn’t even my type. It took some time for me to even figure out if I liked him. Being around him watching and listening to him made me fall for him. He is good to his mother and his 4 sisters, he helps all of his family and others, he puts himself last and I mean that literally. At the end of the day I am rubbing him down because he’s always so beat up from doing things for others. I admire that of him. He is a great uncle and great with my children.

We have had a great relationship up until recently, and this is why I am so devastated. Three weeks ago he told me that he had an emergency in NY with his older daughter who is 13. (He’s originally from NY) and he had to leave and see to her and he wasn’t sure when he would be back. This is a daughter that he talked to almost everyday but hadn’t seen in a long time. When he told me he only had a week before he left, those last few days was rough for both of us, he was stressed and I didn’t want him to go but I didn’t want to be selfish either. The last 2 days we talked and talked, it seemed like he wanted to break it off because he said he didn’t know when he would be back and he didn’t want ME to step off the boat and get “wet”. In the end we both agreed we could be faithful and would remain in a monogamous relationship.

The morning he was due to leave he said I would see him later to see him off. That afternoon I kept calling and got no answer so I left work early to make sure I saw him before he left. When I got there he was gone (we didn’t live together). I was crushed. Confused. He assured me I would see him before he left. He left without even saying Goodbye. It’s now been 2 weeks and still NO WORD from him. His phone goes straight to voice mail and his family says they have no idea where he is, he is grown and can do what he wants. That didn’t help me. I don’t know his ppl in NY. Since he left I have been so depressed, I can’t sleep, eat, I am so unmotivated. I am 34 years old and the last time I felt like this was in my early 20′s. It took allot for me to open up to this man and give him my heart, I had been hurt so much and we talked about all this, so he knew me opening myself was a HUGE step for me. I let my guard down and let him in. My females friends say MOVE ON! your beautiful and have allot going for yourself. However, I have met many guys who have it all but don’t offer me the mental, emotional and physical needs that I require a man to offer me. For me it’s not about money or looks. Been there done that. I never expected to fall hard like this and now that I did he has sort of vanished from my life. I try to give the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he lost his phone and all the numbers are in there. But I think he could remember his moms number to get a hold of me. I think maybe the situation with his daughter is such that he can only deal with that right now and don’t want to hear my mouth. The way he made it seem to me was that it was very serious situation to deal with. Please help me, I don’t know what to do or how to get hold of myself. I’ve waited so long for such a man as him it saddens me that it’s gone and I can’t seem to move from this depression. I have 4 kids at home (4-15y) and I am slacking off cause I am so depressed : (

I want to hear from everyone, but if you ladies have a man, ask them to give me some real man advice, I need to hear from the men and what they think is going on and what I should do. Do I wait as promised or being that he left the way he did and hasn’t called what that says for our so-called “relationship”

-Sad girl

HER VIEW:

If he does not have amnesia or has not been kidnapped, then he really does not have an excuse for such behavior. And it is good that you can see that he is capable of being so inconsiderate now rather than later. I am not going to focus on him or what he is thinking or what he is doing, because the focus really should be on you. It’s time to move on. With four kids, you need to focus on your emotional well being and the kids. You need to put all of your time and energy into your kids, into your relationship with God, into your finances, and into your emotional and physical health. With all of that going on, you will not have time for such foolishness from a man. Once you have yourself together, you will attract the type of man that you deserve. And God forbid that this should happen again. But if it does, you might be a little hurt at first. But then you are going to brush your shoulders off and keep it moving!!

HIS VIEW:

As many of you may have figured out normally I say how I feel but don’t go as far as to say whether or not you should stay or go because in marriages this is a very tough decision that could affect the rest of your life but in the case of a boyfriend……. You Need To Leave This Dude!

I’d like for the men to really chime in on this one, especially the married men. I’ll make this short and sweet, no guy that cares about being in a relationship with you is

A. Going to have a week’s notice that he has to leave and not tell you why.

B. Leave without saying goodbye.

C. Cut off all lines of communication.

The writing is on the wall that something isn’t quite right here, especially after the two of you agreed to maintain a relationship. In addition to this you say that this is having an effect on your own children. You need to get it together for them and for yourself and keep it moving.

BMWK family what do you think? Help Sad Girl out with your thoughts and opinions. Fellas, does this sound fishy to you? Let us know.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

K.I.M. Keep It Movin’

Sad Girl,

You failed to mention how long you had been together before this “emergency” came up with his daughter.
(Was it months? years?)
To me, it sounds like he may have had some unfinished business left in NY with another woman (not his daughter).
I’m pretty sure by the reaction of his family…that, he’s fine, they know exactly where he is and he just doesn’t want to be with you anymore.
Swallow it like a big girl!
Watch Waiting to Exhale, have a good cry, get over it and move on for yourself, and your children….quick, fast, and in a HURRY!
This guys behavior doesn’t deserve your energy and your children do not deserve to temporarily lose their mother physically, mentally or emotionally while she deals with some no-good dude and his behavior.
He was your “boy”friend, not even your fiance’, and definitely not your husband.
KEEP IT MOVIN’
Davesgirl

I agree with the other comments. K.I.M. this dude had something else going on aside from what he was saying. He cut his losses and took off when you couldn’t get to him. He’s selfish for that but you have to keep your focus. His family knows exactly where he is and what he’s doing but they have no loyalty to you nor do the owe you an explanation. They are staying out of it. You have children to worry about and support. If a man truly loves someone he’d do all he could to keep that love alive. Move on from this, learn the lesson from the experience and keep the faith that you will love again in a smarter, healthier, loving and committed relationship.
http://www.mrkingjames.blogspot.com King James

Be happy for now.

But hear him out when it’s times.
http://www.blackwivesclub.wordpress.com Tiya

Sad Girl,

It sounds like he made choices and he didn’t consider you in them so now it is time for you to make choices that are good for you and your children, like moving on. I agree with the other comments about his possibly having unfinished business in NY. I know it’s hard to say goodbye, when you don’t know any of the details or anything, but that was the selfish way he wanted to end things. I am sure you were handling your business and taking care of your children just fine before you met him, so I would suggest you try and find your way back to that place of independence. Your children need you to be whole. Plus they are also learning how to handle relationships (the good and the bad) by watching you, so you may want to consider how you would want them to overcome in a situation like this.
http://harriet-canshesaythat.blogspot.com Harriet

I have to co-sign with every point Lamar said in “His View.” The only thing I can add is that it would behoove you to separate yourself emotionally from this situation, meaning go outside of yourself and think about how YOU would respond if you read this same letter from someone else. My first inclination was to say, “Girl, get it together!” But I’m not in your shoes. Take yourself out of your shoes and look at your letter as if someone else wrote it, and you’re not depressed or feeling blue about the situation. What would you tell your best friend if they were walking in your shoes right now?
C.E.R

Just like someone said just K.I.M. In my opinion and experience he has some unfinished business in NY that he had to address. And it’s not his daughter. How long has he been out of NY? It’s sad how men can come into your life and just leave like that. Please get yourself together for the children. Please concentrate on getting your house back on track. He sounds like someone I once knew.
http://harriet-canshesaythat.blogspot.com Harriet

I love how succinct King James is. You asked for a man’s opinion, and it doesn’t get anymore simple (yet profound) than that.
CartersMom

I want to give him the benefit of a doubt that maybe something really went wrong with his daughter, it can honestly be a health crisis with her. I wantto think positive about the situation and not dog him, you said in yourletter that he is a good person and it would be out of character for him to behave in such a manner. If I were you I would just pray for him and hope for the best.
Spenser Avery

Does the phrase “2 good 2 be true” ring a bell to anyone. Not knowing how much time you obviously had vested into this relationship, cut your losses. I am very concerned that when this “Gentle-Man” contacts you with his sad tale of woe and he will. That you will make him jump through a couple of hoops and hitch your wagon right back up. Kids and all.

You mentioned something that has encouraged me to write. You said that “I haven’t felt this way since I was twenty”. Being a twenty year old ALL over again isn’t a luxury that you or your children can afford at this point in your life.

You have made four beautiful decisions. Let your response to this unfortunate situation be an example to them on how to handle romantic adversity. Keep us posted.

with love.
http://www.mrkingjames.blogspot.com King James

You said “It took allot for me to open up to this man and give him my heart”

It should take a lot… but hearts are for marriage.

But what to do now… follow the advice the others gave. Enbrace that hurting… it’s good to be inside of our emotions and not fighting them. They’ll last longer with a fight anyway..
Ms. Andi

Dear Sad Girl:
I have been where you are, but you must know that the pain and disappointment will eventually evaporate. Secondly, the only person you are ever to give your heart to is God because, as you have learned, man will disappoint you every time. You have 4 people looking to you for guidance, security, and unconditional love as well as stability. Next to God, your children are to be your first priority. How you handle this break-up is an example they are likely to follow as adults. Don’t let your scars become their scars – especially if you have daughters. Pray unceasingly to the Father for restoration of your emotional balance, focus on your children, and let God heal your heart. I know it hurts like hell right now, but I promise you this too shall pass. Learn from this mistake and do your best not to repeat it. Your children need their mother to be healed, healthy, whole, and strong. You will never achieve that pining behind a man.
Political Pete

I’m late on this one.

Take it from a brother… you were engaged in what people call the honeymoon phase. I know this may be hard to swallow, but the guy you were dating is not the person he portrayed to be.

I tell my sisters this. One of the most common signs of a loser is the something that women sometime don’t expect: Quick Attachments or Expressions of Love. Dr. Carver describes this to the bone.

“The Loser has very shallow emotions and connections with others. One of the things that might attract you to “The Loser” is how quickly he or she says “I Love You” or wants to marry or commit to you. Typically, in less than a few weeks of dating you’ll hear that you’re the love of their life, they want to be with you forever, and they want to marry you. You’ll receive gifts, a variety of promises, and be showered with their attention and nice gestures. This is the “honeymoon phase” – where they catch you and convince you that they are the best thing that ever happened to you. Remember the business saying “If it’s too good to be true it probably is (too good to be true)!” You may be so overwhelmed by this display of instant attraction, instant commitment, and instant planning for the future that you’ll miss the major point – it doesn’t make sense!! Normal, healthy individuals require a long process to develop a relationship because there is so much at stake. Healthy individuals will wait for a lot of information before offering a commitment – not three weeks. It’s true that we can become infatuated with others quickly – but not make such unrealistic promises and have the future planned after three dates. The rapid warm-up is always a sign of shallow emotions which later cause “The Loser” to detach from you as quickly as they committed. “The Loser” typically wants to move in with you or marry you in less than four weeks or very early in the relationship.
alan

Sad Girl:
The only person of whom has given you solid advice is Ms. Andi. GOD is your only refuge, he knows your heart better than any of us and can see your thoughts before they are verbally coveyed. No one on this site is a professional counselor, and if they are-they are poor at best. Simply because they’re attempting to advise you after only hearing “one” side of the story. The two highest paid professions are Judges & Lawyers, if solid, sound, competent decisions could be made from only hearing one side of a story, a lot of good people would be incarcirated. You have the ear of a higher Judge, your Father GOD-HE WILL NEVER ABANDON YOU OR LEAD YOU ASTRAY. Take advice from a man’s perspective, a man of whom took an oath of celibacy until marriage. GOD took me out of four bad relationships (friendships more aptly) until I found the right relationship. I’ll give you a hint , she’s the only one that didn’t question and respects the oath that I made with GOD.
http:.//blackandmarriedwithkids.com Lamar w/ blackandmarriedwthkids.com

There is a professional counselor in the comments above and she is actually pretty good, just FYI…
http://www.brothatech.wordpress.com Brotha Tech

Homeboy has another chicka OR has another baby on the way and wasn’t man enough to let you know the real deal.

^^^Whether you believe that or not, the fact of the matter is homeboy is gone. So you will just have to suck it up, and keep it movin’…aint no sense in worrying about stuff you can’t control.
Anonymous

k
Anonymous

@Alan – don’t try to hide a nasty attitude behind God. From your responses on this site, there is nothing Godly about you which is why your other relationships probably did not work.

There is a way to provide your opinion without insulting people and you obviously don’t have a clue about that. People are giving their views and their opinions about what she wrote. I don’t see anywhere on here where someone is charging her for professional services.

I think she received a variety of good opinions.
Penny

I think Political Pete has a good point. I recently just got out of something similar myself-only we were engaged. Thank God I got dumped. Yes, it still hurts (although not as much as it did in the beginning) but when I think of what I could have ended up married to this person-well God was certainly looking out for me, as I am sure he is looking out for you, Sad Girl. Someone who does not respect you enough (and back to Political Pete’s point about shallow emotions and connections-can you say emotional unavailability?) to make a 5 minute phone call to inform you of his whereabouts is certainly not someone in whom you should be making an emotional investment. Also, you have 4 children-this is not behavior you want your children to see or model. I feel for you, and hope you will come to realize that somehow God was protecting you from even bigger pain in the future.

It will get better.
http://deleted alan

@ Lamar, no disrespect, a counselor can only counsel two or more individuals. @ Anonymous, your name speaks volumns, I won’t dignify your baseless allegations with an answer. Anyone of whom challenges the the word of GOD or anyone reccommending to not trust in GOD over man is evil. This world is full of evil, especially coming from someone hiding behind the title “annonymous”. Everyone is eagerly and readily reccomending to this distraught young lady to leave this guy-as though they’re going to pay her bills. Black people give less than any race of people in America. The King Memorial has been put on hold for 12 years because our people simply won’t donate-waiting for the Federal Government to foot the bill. How many of you purchased a copy of the marriage video, I purchased 6 copies to give as gifts (friends & family of whom commit random acts of kindness). I stand by my previous comments and not ashamed to profess my faith and trust in GOD.
Anonymous

@Alan..there you go again name calling again.
Political Pete

. . . .
http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com Lamar

@Alan- I don’t think the counselor or anyone else was counseling. The reason that people write in is to get opinions from their peers about situations they are going through. If they wanted counseling they’d be laying on someone’s couch.

I didn’t see anyone say don’t trust in the word of God nor did I see her say she was financially dependent on this guy or how black people giving money ties into the story.

Lastly FYI… I don’t remember processing an order of 6 DVDs. I just want to make sure you got them from me and not Jamal at the barbershop lol. Remember folks NO BOOTLEGS!!!!!
Patrick Hairston

@ALLEN

You know I tried to ignore your comments and past on but you wouldn’t stop. Unlike anonymous you can see my name PATRICK HAIRSTON….

SIDENOTE: MY COMMENTS DOES NOT REFLECT THE THOUGHTS OF MY WIFE THESE ARE MY OWN, AND I WISH FOR YOU TO NOT HOLD MY WORDS AGAINST HER. Now back to the scheduled comment at hand……

Allen you are a pompous jacka$$ hiding behind a form of god,which is your ego. You are very contraditive in one line you say trust God over man then in the very next sentence you suggest that sad girl trust in the coward that left her. Lets face it this was a little boy in a mans body. He got caught up and tried to play off his daughter, so he could leave this woman. When it didn’t work he played the roll of “I am thinking of your feelings, so lets part now so you want fall off the boat and get wet. Then when that didn’t work, instead of being a man and saying its over he fronted and acted like he wanted a long distance relationship just to get her off his case so he could leave.
Now you pompous jaka$$ show me in the bible where it says she should stay. Man get out the clouds and use your common sence, or do you need a professional counselor to tell you that. Well I do have a phd,(Pimping, Hustling, and Dealing), but I traded it in for Jesus, and He gave me the Holy Ghost the best counselor in the world. So do yourself a favor stop commenting if you can’t help. You wasn’t born with moses and had tea with Jesus, so stop acting holier than thou. She does need to move on and raise those kids and trust God to supply her needs, and teach her her worth. She must draw closer to God and let God teach her how she is to be love, and how valuable she really is. The fact He loved her enough that He let Jesus die for her so that she could be closer to Him. When she does that, she never ever has to worry about falling for a bozo again. Allan, open rebuke is better than hidden love, its in the bible. I believe in tuff love.

@ Lamar

You and Ronnie are doing a great job, thank you.

P.S.

Allen God said “Stop lying on Him.”
http://singlikesassy.blogspot.com SingLikeSassy

Not having closure can be hard, as it leaves you asking yourself what happened, what did I do, why didn’t I see it etc., but this really sounds like a situation where you dated a guy who was less than honorable in how he broke up with you and who was possibly shady while dealing with you. And that’s all you need to know, really.

So lick your wounds, take a deep breath then continue loving and raising your children. The *right* man won’t treat you in this way.
http://politicalmusic.wordpress.com Political Pete

Every so often we get one of these exciting comment threads… .

Eats popcorn.
http://blackandmarriedwithkids.com Lamar

@Pete – you a fool LOL
Mom of 3

I can sympathize with Sad Girl. Unfortunately, I married my now EX-husband who was “too good to be true” in the beginning and turned out to be exactly that–not real. I agree with most of the other posters, cut your losses now and get back to YOU. Your focus now needs to be on you and your children. I was in a state of extreme depression earlier this year after dealing with the situation. One thing that helped me was seeking out a therapist to help me cope with the situation and assist with the depression issues. That may be something you may want to consider—in addition to continuing to pray to God for guidance. You cannot be the best parent that you can be if you continue to wallow in the pain and agony of the situation. Understand that this guy was not tied to your destiny and as everyone else said…K.I.M.!
http://harriet-canshesaythat.blogspot.com Harriet Hairston

see…Lord…wow

comments like what pat left make me want to try that 30 day thingie tara was talking about earlier this week. lol

rofl @ pete
http://deleted alan

@Lamar, Patrick, ROFL!!!!, this site reads like a ghetto housing project. Everyone talking loud and saying nothing. I won’t quote Jamaica Kinkaid of whom came to the Country as a nanny and like myself is a tenured professor. Many of you like Patrick with his bad grammer, poor writing and spelling skills, are touting your PHD’s. The fact of the matter is thsi story is one sided and for all all anyone knows the boyfriend is FICTION or at the least FROM THE ANNUALS OF LAMAR’S SMALL MIND. I now know first hand from this site how Tyler parlayed shucking and jiving and making fun of black people into a mult-million dollar business for Lions Gate Productions. With black men like you all, it’s no wonder black women lead all National statistics in being most single parent head of households, single parent mothers, most infected with STD’S, ENCLUDING THE VIRUS THAT CAUSES AID’S. Patrick, as a reknown counselor, I can only guess that your PIMPING skills did’nt have anything to do with the above listed stats.. LOL LOL LOL LOL
Political Pete

“Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.”
Jonesi

*smiling @ Pete”

I just simply thank Alan for a shining example of what not to be in this life…especially as a future professor
(I’m curious how your {closet} hatred for your people resonates in the classroom and affects your students? I’m sure you have interesting student evals)

Wow, I’ve never come across such a well-educated, elderly e-thug before but, you see and learn something new everyday

Geez, I’m sure Ann Coulter has a blog that will better suit your needs of fulfillment and plenty of co-signers that share the same misplaced ideologies.

Sidenote: For those that watched BIA2, I’m wondering if those people among the “elite secret society” exhibit this same type of mentality and oblivious, insecure types of behavior? That lady who was the founder of the ball seemed to give off the same vibe. *shrugging shoulders* – looks like I may have my spring prospectus topic for intercultural communication!

Thanks Alan! Your hateful ways may have just inspired my final graduate thesis or applied capstone awareness siminar…I shall keep you posted and I will be sure to dedicate it to you in my acknowlegments
http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com Lamar

@Alan – did you mean Annals or Annuals like you said??? And I have a small mind huh? Dude you’ve fully exposed yourself on this post, totally and I think everyone knows what I mean. Every comment you post you’re throwing up some alleged expertise or accreditation that you have…oh really. Well what University is it that you teach at? I think you’re lying just like you lied about buying the 6 DVDs before I put you on front street over that. What was the reason behind that??? Man, you’re lying about buying DVDs, something so simple. They are only 20 dollars, keep it real.

Now I hate to expose a reader like this and normally I never would but you spoke directly to me so I’m speaking directly back.

FYI… I’m close to banning you from the site, the only thing holding me back is that you’re boosting my page views so on that end, I do appreciate you my brother LOL
http://theyoungmommylife.com Tara

@ Alan – Really. This is not necessary. Never before have I seen someone so disruptive on this site. This is simply not the forum for you. You don’t even like it here. Embrace that fact.

*waving goodbye*

It’s okay. This site is not meant to be everything for everybody and I don’t usually participate in cyber thugging but you need to move on, instead of writing in every post about how much better you are than everyone else and their “grammer” is not up to par. It’s insulting at best, and condescending at worst.
Penny

Wow-what a thread!

@SingLikeSassy-I agree with you. I think very often we are women look for closure from a man when sometimes, you just have to get your own closure. Clearly, this man thought he provided closure-he moved on without a word. Tacky, but hey-we can’t be responsible for the actions of other people. Sad Girl will get nothing else from this guy-which in the long run is more beneficial to her than she knows at the present. I hope it is not too long before Sad Girl realizes that.
Anonymous

@Alan..
You’s a trip!
You hang out and comment regularly over @ “ballerwives”…and, “*THIS* site reads like a ghetto housing project?” WTH?!?! LOL

Dude, you spew rubbish rhetoric!!
What do you mean? “The two highest paid professions are Judges & Lawyers”
SO, NOT TRUE!!
I won’t take the time to even discuss all of your obvious “so, not true’s”.

Do you sit up and read conspiracy theory books and then try to test out your newfound knowledge on various blogs?

With all of your education, intellect, and expertise how about you just start your own blog, eh?
That way you’ll have somewhere viable for you to release all of your pinned-up energy.

@Lamar…
If he want’s to stay…Keep him around!
He’s good for the numbers and trust, he keeps the crowd rollin’…LMAO

One day, maybe *ONE* day he’ll say something of substance:-)
http://blackandmarriedwithkids.com Lamar

Man, I love the BMWK family. I just do.
Spenser Avery

@Lamar ~right back @ YOU & for the REST of the gang.
Ms. Andi

I think the conversation has gotten totally off track, here. The young lady has a wounded heart and she is asking for our help. How are we helping her when we argue amongst ourselves? It’s not even about anyone but her and advising her how to deal with her pain. Come on now, let’s stay focused. @Allen, I thank you for agreeing w/me, but I’m only speaking from my own experience. I have felt the pain that Sad Girl now feels, but when I realized that God was the only true Physician who could heal me, I let go of all the anger, hurt, disappointment, etc that kept me in a constant state of depression. Listen, Sad Girl, keep your head to the sky. God knows what’s best for you better than anyone on this earth. He has given you the responsibility of caring for and nurturing four lives – don’t shirk that responsibility because of pain and depression. Baby, you don’t know what pain is until you are nailed on the cross like Jesus was. (I suggest that you watch The Passion of the Christ by Mel Gibson if you really want to know what pain is – it will clear things up for you right away) Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not to your own understanding; but in all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will direct your path. I am praying for you, Sad Girl. God loves you and if you let Him, He can remove that pain, depression, sadness, emptiness and anything else that you may be feeling, but He can’t if you won’t let Him into your heart. Pray for more of Him and less of you – it will make a tremendous difference in your life, your outlook, and in your children’s lives. You are their example, honey, be a good one so that they will want to emulate you when they become adults. In matchless, healing name of Jesus’, I pray, Amen.
Ms. Andi

One last comment and I’m going to leave this alone. I had a pastor once who told the congregation something that I have lived by ever since I heard it. If it doesn’t add to, correct, or protect your life, then you don’t need it. Meditate on that, Sad Girl. It will make sense to you eventually. He didn’t mean just one aspect, he meant all three. You’ll be fine, honey, with time. Read your Bible, keep your mind on Jesus, and all this other stuff will pass away. I know wherefore I speak, Little One. So many times, when we are hurt by someone, we want to exact the same pain on them that they have given to us, but that’s not how it should be handled. I’m here to tell you that there is nothing Jesus can’t handle for us – no circumstance, no situation, no relationship. I don’t mean to preach, but I know that I know that I know Who is able to deal with all our hurts, our anxieties, our depression, etc. Give it all to Him, and leave it there. The Word says to cast all our cares on Him, because He cares for us (in this case, you) – and that’s what you must do. As a suggestion, try reading Proverbs 2 – it will give you peace in your heart and hopefully understanding. Hang in there, it’s gonna be alright.
Political Pete

@Ms. Andi Good post. No one is arguing. There is just an occasional e-thug that pops up through the “Annals” of the site LOL

@ Tara. It’s happened once before… ironically it was a similar scenario. There is always some abrasive e-personality that seems to lack the characteristic of empathy.

@ Lamar You have me in TEARS over here “@Alan – did you mean Annals or Annuals like you said”

Sadgirl there seems to be a consensus through all the opinions. Plenty of good advice in the comments.
http://harriet-canshesaythat.blogspot.com Harriet

*offering the benediction and saying amen* LOL
Jonesi

LOL
http://www.blackwivesclub.wordpress.com Tiya

Wow, I leave this post for a few days and just look at how you behave, j/k.

Alan, the GOD I serve, teaches me to love my neighbor as I would myself. Can you say that your statements come from a place of love? I see you judging, pointing fingers and being downright disrespectful. Were those your intentions? I pray that they weren’t. I’m hoping that we just really have you all wrong. It is my hope that you will allow us to see the side of you that claims to be so passionate about knowledge and helping your people. Oh and by the way I am one of the counselors (well actually Relationship Coach) on this network (thanks Lamar). And from my experience you can counsel and coach one person when you are dealing with just their individual issues.
http://singlikesassy.blogspot.com SingLikeSassy

“with his bad grammer, poor writing and spelling skills”

pot meet kettle.
http://deleted Carla&Tim

@Alan, I enjoyed reading your posts. Not only are you informative and intelligent, but also spiritual. My impression is everyone’s ganging up on him because he’s telling the truth, otherwise everybody would just ignore him. I hope he didn’t leave, he brought some excitement.
@MsAndi, you are also spiritual, I really enjoy reading your post as well.
@PitifulPete, you seem to be the trouble maker, always coming in late with silly comments. You need to get a life
My comment is that she needs to get on with her life. *K.I.M* You have 4 kids to think about. There is way to many fish in the ocean.
Political Pete

That would be “too” many fish in the ocean. … Not “to.”

Sounds like Alan got another address. Switch up the IP Address if you want to pose as another user mmmkay?
sadgirl

TO – Mrs. Andi. This is sadgirl Thank you for saying exactly what I wanted to. I wrote to BMWK for some strong advice and I am disappointed that the stream of comments went off track to arguing. I got SOME great advice but I really needed more and it got lost somewhere. This is deep for me. I even contacted a physic, in which she told me he left because I scared him away. I showed him a love that he was afraid of because he never had anyone accept HIM for HIM. He’s a Libra, so that’s what I will call him. Libra has led a “thug” life, born and raised in NY but left years ago. Hasn’t been there in a very long time. Hes very secretive with his family, and others till he builds that trust. They may not know much. IDK. Two of his siblings did confirm he is in NY handling business with his daughter. IDK. What I do know is that he hasn’t called in 3 weeks. I feel like a fool. I am the kind of woman to give the benefit of a doubt. The physic said he would be back around or call by the end of the month and to hear him out. IDK. I told him I would wait. He said he would be back. He could have very well just cut ties before he left, but to let this span out like this hurts worse cause I am waiting. He never had a problem saying to anyone I don’t want to deal with you and cut them off. I have seen it. He’s very outspoken man and don’t bite his tongue. What’s strange is that he did tell me he loved me within 4wks, and professed his feelings to me just at the right times. I didn’t feel that it wasn’t sincere. I felt his love. But I know when I questioned more about his leaving/daughter, he said he couldn’t talk about it. So I assumed it was something very serious, like sexual molestation. I know that would be hard for a man to discuss with a woman. His BM had a crazy BF that the daughter was always calling Libra about. All Libra kept saying is that his daughter needed him and he needed to see to her. He hadn’t been there for her in years and he wanted to see what he could do and he asked me to support that. At first I couldn’t understand and was being selfish and that made him upset. So he talked to me until he was blue in the face and I finally was like ok, how do we do this. He said if we both agreed to be monongus. We said we could. We spent the last days together as normal, the morning of he said he would see me later. But he was gone. I am assuming his ride which was his brother had some reason to take him sooner than he planned and he knew if he called me and said he was leaving I would have brung on the tears, and why’s, he was already dealing with allot, he said he didn’t want all that cause he’d be back. He could very well could be having a baby somewhere, the timing is about right. IDK what to think. I’m trying to stay postive and believe. Each day is getting better. Everyone says I will find a man I deserve but in all my years I never had that, I was with my children’s father for 11y and after him I dealt with guys that just didn’t do it for me or my kids. Now Libra comes along and is everything I/kids NEEDemotionally, mentally and physically. I am moving on but what happens if he does return, I am so mad but he may have a legit reason for not be able to contact me. His phone goes to VM on the first ring so that means what? Its off, he lost it? To be honest I don’t know his number by heart either. I feel I am being naive. – Sadgirl
sadgirl

I do pray for him as well as myself. To be bought back to me. He gave me something I never felt before in my life, for a man to support me in every aspect of my being and put me and my children first and himself last. A man that believes in God and was willing to help me gain a better relationship with God. A man that picked my off the ground when I was ailing. Something has got to be wrong and he needs this time. Why would he endure all these things for it not to be real or feel anything? Can a man really just pick up and go. He is 41y and been through hell, why would he sacrifice having someone that truly loved him and accepted him for him?

I’ll never understand this and it makes it hard for the next man. The wall is back up. Sadgirl
http://theyoungmommylife.com Tara

@sadgirl – I understand that you might be disheartened by the way the comments got off track, and I apologize for any part I played.

You also said you wanted more advice. But from reading your comments in which you really opened your heart, I don’t think you wanted more advice, I think you wanted advice that would help you not hurt anymore.

I think you wanted to hear, “Yes, girl, his story is totally logical and he’s going through some things but just stay strong, he’ll back and you’ll live happily ever after.” I can tell you ache for that.

But the majority of the people here are telling you to focus on yourself and your four wonderful children. We only know what you wrote in the original post. You know this situation and there’s a reason why you feel this might not be right. This situation is hard all the way around whether you wait or you move on. You may feel like he is the only one who can give you the happiness you desire, but that’s not true.

He may very well be going through some rough times and would rather face them alone, but is that fair to you to be kept in the dark if the love you say you two have is so strong? Is it too much to give you a text message every couple of days? You have to draw the line at what’s acceptable.

I really feel for you and I really hope everything works out. You seem like a wonderful woman who deserves someone equally wonderful.
sadgirl

Tara, Your right. I do want that and I need that. As for now I am focused. I never loose focus on my kids ever. I do what gotta be done with them and then I go to my room and handle me there. I moved to a new state almost 4 years ago and don’t have many friends. I don’t get out much because my kids schedule. They are active in many sports which helps me not spend allot of time thinking about Libra but he is still there in my mind and then when I do get that me time, I get very sad and wonder what the h$% is going on. My only friend is HIS SISTER, and she is saying she don’t know nothing. His other sister did make a call and said he is in NEW York. She talked to the brother who took him to the Bus/Train station. Its not like I am ready to jump into something new, I can’t now cause I am hurting. I want to give it more time, how much IDK. I just really want the truth. I can accept whatever comes of it. That’s moving on. It’s not fair for me to eventually be with someone else and still be in love with another man. have you ever seen the “notebook” , it’s about long lost lives that find each other after years from a summer romance. She leaves her fiance to be with this man she never stopped loving. I don’t want to hurt no one. I’m a beautiful,intelligent and sexy momma (lol) and get approached everyday, but shut them down because I’m in love with Libra and until that love dissolves or I get closure. I feel I am stuck.
sadgirl

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