Marriage Ain’t Easy

Relationships

by Lamar Tyler | on August 23rd, 2009 | 14 comments

blackcouple

One of my single friends told me that she’s hesitant to get married because through my marriage she can see first hand how much work it is.

“Things aren’t even,” she says. “I’d rather be by myself than have to take care of me AND another adult.”

I stopped and tried to compose myself. Did she think marriage would be 50-50 all the time? Did she think marriage was as simple as saying, “I do” and waiting for the rest of your life to commence? Did she not know that marriage is hard?

This is not simple. We do not magically wake up and know all of our spouse’s wishes and desires. I wish.

Being married (staying married) is one of the hardest jobs I’ve had to do. Having to achieve one goal (a happy, well lived life) by coordinating two minds takes work, patience, understanding, sympathy and passion. You have to have initiative, the drive to make this work day after day.

We don’t do it because it’s easy. We do it because for us, there is no better way to go through life than that as our lover’s partner.

Speak your piece. Do you think marriage is hard?

Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer living in Ohio with her husband and two children. Visit her blog, www.theyoungmommylife.com, to read more of her observations about life, motherhood and love.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

chivalry35244

yeah it’s hard, but what’s easy? if anything is easily acquired it probably isn’t worth much or doesn’t consist of anything substantial. think about it fast food vs a home cooked meal. yeah it didnt take much time to go down the street and grab a burger or cost much but not more than fifteen mins later you hungry again. now think bout your moms or grandma’s home cooking she took the time to prepare the meal went and picked the vegetables from the garden, shucked the peas, hulled the corn, even ringed the chicken and plucked it then afterwards spent hours over the stove and in the kitchen to make sure everything was painstakingly cooked to perfection. Afterwards all the fam would gather round the table and eat dinner and we all know when you’re done all you could do is loosen the belt maybe unbutton your pants and just lay back in the chair get a case of the itis and you’d be full for the rest of the night.
Natural_Oasis

…And this is where she would have been told that good old saying “marriage ain’t for everybody!” Yes it truly is hardwork but it is worth it in the end. In my opinion I think being single is hardwork, especially today. I couldn’t image having all of my ducks in a row just to constantly run into guys who are more interested in running with loose women instead of growing up and taking responsibility for his actions.
I would prefer the sacrifices that I have made thus far and the beautiful ups & downs of marriage anyday over the heartache and heartbreak that some of these single ladies (and men) are currently going through.
DAVESGIRL

No I don’t think that being married is hard. I think that some of the challenges we face as a married couple is and will be hard. I just had this same conversation with some cyber friends in regards to marriage. In my experience, watching my parents, grandparents and aunts and uncles live their lives as well as my own marriage – it was never 50-50 not all the time and not with everything. That would be ideal but it usually never happens that way especially when kids come into the situation. I think that when you get married you have to grow a thick skin. It’s work but it doesn’t have to be hard work. There will be ups & downs as someone mentioned but that’s what makes you grow stronger as a couple. Keep prayer in your marriage, people out of your business, the lines of commnication open at all times and remember that you LOVE this person you are with so respect them and the marriage and whatever challenges you may face should be OK for the most part.
Kemi

Marriage hard? Boy, a long term relationship is hard! My partner and I are talking about marriage now, so we’ve decided to take an 8 week Couples Basic Training class in our area to discuss and possibly resolve some of our issues. I love this man and I know he loves me so he was more than willing to seek out counseling. I was pleasantly surprised because now I know he wants this partnership to work. In past ‘lationships’ with other people, we both ran when things didn’t work out but now we’re older, mature and willing to compromise and sacrifice for the sake of sharing our lives together. He makes me a better a person and I do the same for him. For once in my life I’m accepting the man (and all the stuff that comes with him) because I can’t imagine being on this journey with anyone but him. We’ve come this far, I wouldn’t want to start all over again with someone else
busybodyk

My mom always said that nothing will be easy until you get to Heaven. That being said, marriage is not without its disagreements and issues but I prefer them to those of my single friends. I think that my marriage is the easiest and least complicated relationship I have in my life.
michele

Marriage has it’s moments, its good days and bad days. Somehow it balances itself out. As my husband often says, “anything worth having is worth fighting for.”
Jonesi

@Davesgirl – “Keep prayer in you’re marriage and people out of your business”.

I will truly keep these words in my heart forever

@Tara- I know how your friend feels. To be honest, when my fiance proposed, I went in to shock. I started thinking of all the worst case scenarios and wasn’t sure if I could do this. Though those thoughts aren’t as extreme, I think my lack of understanding initally of such a special union inhibited me from realizing the blessing of acquiring a life partner. Pre-marital counseling really helped me understand him more and some of my fears. I guess I’m scared of things falling apart one day. But I have to be steadfast in making sure God is at the forefront of our union.

We just took our engagement pics and I was looking at them in awe because it was then that I realized how real everything is. I’m looking forward to working through the challenges that I know will inevitably create a bond I’ve yet to experience. Sorry to be so long winded but everyone is correct, anything worth having is worth working hard at and fighting for…guess it’s time to invest in some pink boxing gloves
REDD

I have been married for almost five years and I have to actually say that marriage is what you make it. There is always going to be up’s and down’s throughout life that’s just the way that it is. I have always been taught that something that is worth something is always a task to get. Marriage is a partnership a union that two people enter and of course it’s not easy, because now you have to not just think about yourself but your spouse now. Life does change in many ways and if your not up for the task of thinking about more than just yourself, I would tell you not to get married. It can be a very beautiful thing if you allow it to or it could be the worse thing you have ever done. The decision is up to you, communication is key and it’s very important in society. As long as you work as a team and are on the same page then it can work out for the good. Pick and choose your battles and don’t argue over little, petty unnecessary things because they can turn into big things.
http://harriet-canshesaythat.blogspot.com Harriet

I agree with the common thread that everyone has stated: marriage is what you make of it.

On the documentary, Nisa (I think that was her name) said something profound that made me pause, and I saw a little bit of that in the statement your friend made, Tara. She was saying how a lot of single folks don’t want to get married based on the picture the married couples they’ve surrounded themselves with paint of their relationship.

As married couples, the onus is upon us to make it work so we can pass that joy and love down from one generation to the next. Obviously negativity towards marriages have been passed down in the past 20-30 years, and it’s up to each individual marriage to make a determination to reverse that obliterate that trend.
http://www.djednice.com DJ Ed Nice

I have to agree with Harriet & REDD 101% on what they said… Marriage can be very hard or very easy, it all just depends on what you do with it when you have it… I love the idea and concept of marriage – its a beautiful thing… Or it could be an evil 2headed, 4 armed beast…
REDD

I appreciate knowing that there are still married couples of the world trying to really make it happen. I know when I first got married I didn’t know what was going to happen. Being an african american woman growing up my parents weren’t married and I lived with my grandparents who were married but couldn’t stand each other they slept in two seperate rooms for my entire life and I’m 29yrs old now. So having some type of picture as to what marriage is that was hard. Which is why if someone ask me i always say it’s what you make it because everyone’s marriage is totally different. We do have to set the bar and set an example for our children that are growing up that marriage is not dead and it can be a beautiful thing if you want it to be.
Tamara

Hubby and I just celebrated 5 years of marriage yesterday. When i think on our marriage, i can say its the easiest HARD work ive ever had to do, lol. Being in a marriage is like doing this intricate dance to which the music is CONSTANTLY changing, lol. Its fun, i mean you’re DANCING, but its friggin HARD to stay on beat when the music keeps changing up, lol. Hope that makes sense, lol.

But yea, i feel for my single friends who look at the marriages around them and get scared and say “OHHHH no, marriage isnt for me, its too much work!” I suppose thas the same thing we childless folks say when we look at parents, lol. It is indeed hard and a lot of work, but its a joyous work. Sometimes it can be downright scary, but it is MOST definitely what you make of it.

Hubby and I have understood that marriage ebbs and flows…there are mostly good times, but ooooh, those bad times hurt and are scary, but as long as we hold hands through it (or at least try to lol), we’ll make it through to the other side.

And so, we just keep on dancing along…
redd

What a nice way of putting it Tamara. I love your post. Happy Anniversary and I wish you many more blessed years to come.
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1040640259 Rasaan Jay

I’ve only been married for a few months but from what I see I can say this, Marriage in and of itself is not hard. Like our parents use to say, “A hard head makes a soft a@@” Alot of times, just like in Life, we get in our own way. We refuse to make the adjustments. We refuse to drop the ego. We refuse to become someone else. That’s right people you have to Change. That sccary word change. A marriage is the place you come face to face with guess who… Yourself. So marriage is easy. To drop our self-centeredness is hard. To drop our expectations, that’s hard. People who enter into marriage thinking, “I’m just going to be me and they should accept what they get.” Well they’ll probably have a hard time. Marriage is like the Championship Basketball game, you’re down by 1 with 5 seconds left in the game. What do you do, do you shoot, pass or drive and get fouled? Maybe you’re not the best shooter, maybe the foul isn’t the best idea. It’s the same game it was in the 1st quarter now it’s just more pressure. And in order to win you gotta make good decisions and sometimes you have to know when it’s time to change your style of play. But whatever you do just always remember it’s supposed to be fun!

Marriage Ain’t Easy

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