Dear BMWK, Is Hurt Natural In a Relationship?

Dear BMWK

by Lamar Tyler | on August 31st, 2009 | 10 comments

dearbmwk

Dear BMWK,

I had a conversation recently where the topic centered around being hurt in a relationship. My friend thinks that love should never hurt and thinks being dissappointment and pain are signs that one should walk away. I completely disagreed. I think hurt is an unfortunate part of every relationship. People will disappoint, mistakes will happen, things will be forgotten. What do you think?

BMWK family we’ll let you weigh in on this one. Let your fellow reader know what you think about the situation.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

http://harriet-canshesaythat.blogspot.com Harriet

Hmm. I think that marriage is a constant practice in forgiveness, whether for leaving drawers on the floor or burning the bacon. LOL Love presses beyond those small frustrations to see a bigger picture.

HOWEVER, I don’t think love should hurt to the point where a person is making him/herself smaller in order to lift another person up. It’s a constant give and take, and it’s important to set up boundaries so a person will know what they’re willing to let slide and unwilling to tolerate.

For example, I wish a brother WOULD lift his hand to hit me! Love or no love, I’m packing up and getting out of dodge, because that’s the kind of “love” I can do without.

BUT on the other hand, it hurt to know that financially my husband wasn’t everything I thought he was, and that caused us to go through a few rough patches. It was worth it to endure those challenges, even though it was painful, and we’ve both come out on the other side of it better individuals, better parents, and a better couple.
Sasha

It’s not clear to me from the question what type of hurt you are speaking of:

I think that if you look to another human being to fulfill your every want/need/desire, you will ALWAYS be disappointed because humans beings will ALWAYS fail you, even if they love you more than life…thus the nature of being human. This disappointment will probably hurt sometimes, and will vary in range from betrayal to deep soul hurt, depending on what your previous wounds are.

So if you enter a relationship thinking that you are only going to stay until you “get hurt” or disappointed, you may only last in a relationship for a couple of days, maybe only a couple of hours.

If you choose the right partner, you will still have disappointment and hurts, but if you hang out long enough to heal them together, you will forge a much stronger bond, and you will heal many of your past hurts, also.

A strong couple is one that has weathered storms and turmoil, and has gotten through it together.

I agree that you should never have to make yourself small, or allow yourself to be physically abused.
LA Momma of 2

No relationship is without pain, hurt, or disappointment. We’re ALL imperfect, so how could you truly expect to have a PERFECT relationship/partner. It’s not possible. If you go into a relationship with those type of expectations, you’re boumd to be disappointed time and time again!!
michele

@ Sasha: So if you enter a relationship thinking that you’re only going to stay until you “get hurt” or disappointed, you may only last in a relationship for a couple of days, maybe only a couple of hours.

If you bail out of a relationship at the first sign of “trouble” how are you ever going to know your own tolerance as far as relationships go? How will you know what you can withstand? What will you put up with and what won’t you put up with? That is the problem with couples today, they’re not willing to “weather the storm.” There’s no relationship handbook we can purchase off the shelf, and even if there is, not every topic is covered. Some situations you just have to work through. You will never be able to commit to a relationship if you keep your running shoes laced up, and ready to go the moment something offsets the balance between you and your mate.

You should pick and choose the battles you want to fight (not everything is worth the time or the energy), but everything shouldn’t be an argument either.

As the old adage goes, “that which does not kill you only makes you stronger.”
Sasha

@michele: yes, that is exactly what I was alluding to. I was speaking in jest when I said that if you think you are only going to stay in a relationship until you are hurt, then you won’t be there very long at all.

I am not sure if you misunderstood me…maybe I wasn’t clear in my writing.
busybodyk

Ditto LA Momma. It is hard to define hurt because everyone feels it differently but I believe that if someone says they’ve never been disappointed by their mate then they are probably living in a fantasy world.
E-Lee

Hurt pushes me toward God and reminds me that as terrific as my wife is, only God can complete me. Out of our times of hurt we have recommitted to prayer and relationship with God.
michele

@ Sasha…no misunderstanding at all…your writing was perfectly clear. Just long-winded on my part.
http://www.blackwivesclub.wordpress.com Tiya’

There shouldn’t be constant hurt and constant disappointment in a relationship. If it’s too often, that’s a definite red flag. But yes, in a healthy relationship, there will be some pain, some disappointment, but there should also be some resolutions, so that the couple can grow and not make the same mistakes.
Lady Di

Is Hurt “Natural”? I don’t think so. “Natural” (emphasis with quotes is mine) implies that it happens so often that it’s not an event anymore. I would hate to think that my relationship hurt me so often that it was no longer an event and therefore no cause for concern.

I would rather believe (and practice) that hurt may come, it may be inadvertent or inevitable because my husband of 19 years and I are different people, but that it’s not “Natural” in that I don’t accept it blindly.

If I am hurt (or hurt my hubby) in the relationship, it’s time to do some looking and see why the hurt happened. If it’s a momentary or accidental thing, no big deal. That doesn’t require any long psycho-analysis or anything like that. Now if the hurt was deliberate – doing something you KNOW or have a reasonable expectation WILL hurt your partner / husband / wife / significant other, then that’s another matter all together. That would require more analysis and possibly discussion. If it continues to happen, you’ve got to call a halt and see what’s really going on before the hurt happens so often that all you can think about is escaping.