How Hard Should You Fight For a Friendship?

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by Lamar Tyler | on August 26th, 2009 | 11 comments

lonelywoman

by Tara Pringle Jefferson

For the past few weeks, a friend and I have been going through some issues. Mainly on her part, as she’s going through a difficult time right now and has basically been keeping her distance, saying she needs space to process some personal drama.

For now she feels its easier for her to deal with her issues on her own and told me that my attempts to help, to see what’s wrong, are irritating to her because she feels like I can’t relate to what she’s going through.

To me, friendships are worth fighting for, but how much should you endure? I don’t think this is the end of a friendship, not by a long shot, but this episode just feels all-too familiar, reminding me of the last few weeks of other friendships I’ve had.

This isn’t a marriage, where you take vows for better or worse. But friendships give you something that marriage doesn’t or why would we even bother with friends at all? Either you have a history with that person, things in common, or similar views on important issues. Friendships give a certain flavor to your life, so it’s definitely a plus when you can find a few friends to ride with you.

So tell me, BMWK family – how hard should you fight for a friendship? Does it depend on how long you’ve been friends? Does it depend on the argument?

Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer living in Ohio with her husband and two children. Visit her blog, www.theyoungmommylife.com, to read more of her observations about life, motherhood and love.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

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Comments (11)

Mommy Fabulous Wednesday - 26 / 08 / 2009 Reply

I certainly believe that friendships are worth fighting for. I believe that like a good marriage, sometimes friends go through changes. I think that there are times when two people may not agree on issues and there are times when they just need to take a break. A good friend understands this need and understands that being friends doesn't mean that you are going to be a part of every aspect of that person's life. There are things that you can share and things that you can't. My best friend is always and forever going to be my best friend, but there are some things that I don't talk to her about because we are on two separate paths in our lives. There may be another friend who might understand that particular situation better. Good friendships can withstand breaks.
dede Thursday - 27 / 08 / 2009 Reply

if she needs space give it to her, and just let her know that you are there whenever she needs you. sounds like you are adding more pressure on her when she doesn't need it from (her friend).
Khristal Thursday - 27 / 08 / 2009 Reply

WOW! This amazes me.... I cant imagine not talking to my BFF about my problems, she has been my friend for 13 years and she is the greatest friend. We have been through many different situations in life, things that we cannot relate too because every not so great situation is different, but we are always there to listen to each other and give an opinion about it and always say in the end "Im here for you, no matter what happens or what decision you make." That is a true Friend!!!!
Tara Thursday - 27 / 08 / 2009 Reply

I just felt like friends check up on each other. If you say you need space, that's fine, but I am still going to make sure you know I am here if you want to talk. What kind of friend would I be if I didn't say anything, made no attempt to let her know that I cared? Not a very good friend, I don't think... But I like everyone's opinions here. For the record, we've resolved our issues (this was written a week ago!).
busybodyk Thursday - 27 / 08 / 2009 Reply

I recently had a single friend tell me that I can't relate to what she's going through because I'm married and have been with my husband for a long time. I didn't take offense to it. I told her that she was right but that I'm here to listen and give input if she wants it. My friendships are important to me so I work at communicating with my friends so we can be better friends to each other - the same way I do with my husband so I can be a better wife.
Tara Thursday - 27 / 08 / 2009 Reply

@busybodyk - Hmmm, I think that might even be a future post of its own. Can married women and single women be friends...? Of course, the answer is yes, but is it harder to maintain...?
Dee Thursday - 27 / 08 / 2009 Reply

My friend ( we've known each other since 1969), I kid you not, separated from her husband for about one year. She used to brag about that man and their life and when they split she was devastated. That sucker cheated. Anyway she told me about it real early and I listened supported telephoned (she lives in another country) and was generally there for her. Now almost a year later she has withdrawn. It seems odd to me but after four emails and no response I get the message. I felt a bit hurt but I will respect her wishes. I know she is hurting but she has to do whatever makes her feel like she can cope. When she reaches out I will be there for her.
Robert M Thursday - 27 / 08 / 2009 Reply

Being a man the parameters are different. The things you don't know about you tend to leave alone. It becomes, "don't look back you don't know what might be following"
SingLikeSassy Friday - 28 / 08 / 2009 Reply

I'm a person who likes to work through things on my own and once I said give me some space, I would expect you to understand and respect that. Pushing me once I've said I need to breathe would likely end up in my breaking you off in a not nice way. If you let her know that you are there for her when she needs you, then leave her alone and let her seek you out when she's ready.
busybodyk Friday - 28 / 08 / 2009 Reply

I have been thinking about this a lot since my first post because I was in a similar situation. A friend was going through some things and cut me off. It hurt A LOT but I knew it wasn't about me. She just needed time. When she was ready (about a year later), she reached out to me, apologized, and we moved on. We continue to be good friends a few years after it happened.
andrea Tuesday - 15 / 09 / 2009 Reply

I recently was honest with a girlfriend and how her actions had hurt me. She wrote back and said she was sorry that she didn't intend to hurt me. As I kept reading, I was shocked that she ended our friendship and told me that she hoped that I find happiness and have a fulfilled life. I wrote her an apology and told her that I didn't mean my words to hurt her, etc. I asked for her forgiveness for any pain that I caused her and that I really was sorry that I obviously hurt her. I told her that I am her friend and I will always will be here for her. She seems to want some space and I am giving it to her. I pray that our friendship will grow from this and she heals from whatever pain she is feeling whether caused by me or others. She is a great person and I valued her friendship these past few years. I never thought sharing a hurt with her would cause this. It is out of character for our friendship.