Spoiled Rotten

Parenting

by Lamar Tyler | on September 20th, 2009 | 19 comments

babycry

I was at a wedding this past weekend with my husband and two kids. Since this was a very low-key affair, there wasn’t much seating, so we put the kids on our laps to make room for other people.

As we’re eating, I’m trying to feed my 1-year-old son, who’s wiggling to let me know just how slow I am at getting this food into his mouth. I stop feeding him for a moment so I can bend down and grab a bib out of the diaper bag.

In the 3.5 seconds it takes to get the bib, he fusses. He does not like having his meal interrupted. A cousin at the next table remarked, “Oooh, your kids are spoiled.”

I was taken aback for a moment, because 1) how did you come that conclusion from one interaction? And 2) he’s not spoiled, he’s hungry.

And then I thought, “He’s one. Can a one-year-old even be spoiled?”

I don’t think my kids are spoiled, but I know I sure was growing up. I never wanted for much of anything – whether it was a new coat, new shoes, a trip to my favorite restaurant, etc. I asked for something and it was in my hands before I could even close my mouth.

But the special treatment for me and my sisters came with conditions. If we were good kids, then we’d get what we asked for if my parents could afford it. If our grades slipped, we got in a fight with our sisters, or talked back to adults, then it stopped.

I don’t really see anything wrong with the way I was raised. If anything, it taught me that my actions have consequences. If I didn’t study for that test, then there’s no way I was going to be rolling up to school with a new cell phone.

My parents treated us like we were special. And in their eyes, we were.

I think my kids are special. If they want something that’s within reason and their attitude is on point, then they can have it. Right now, they’re just at the age where a glass of orange juice will suffice, but as they get older, the same premise should endure. If my kids show me that they are good kids, then they will be treated as such.

BMWK family, tell me – what do you consider to be “spoiled”? Is there a difference between “spoiled” and “spoiled rotten”? Has anyone ever told you your kids were spoiled?

Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer living in Ohio with her husband and two children. Visit her blog, www.theyoungmommylife.com, to read more of her observations about life, motherhood and love.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

http://www.mrkingjames.blogspot.com King James

Although I’m not sure that I’ve ever had to think about the differnce in the two…. I’ve always figured that ‘spoiled’ was sometimes to mean ‘to get whatever you want.’ I assume spoiled rotten was to NOT appreciate things obtained. hm..

Most of us do want to take care of ourselves and loved ones… and it is very possible to live ‘well,’ and ‘have stuff’ without taking things for granted.

I hardly ever see those in good position to bless their loved ones say that someone else is spoiled. It’s mainly what folks who don’t have say… (from my limited experience).
Lynn

He is a impulsive, he is fussy, He knows when he needs something he can cry or fuss because he cannot communicate that well.

He is a BABY.
busybodyk

This is funny because I was thinking about this on my way to work today. On Saturday I went to a friend’s bday party for her 1 year old and there were a few older kids there (3,4 &5). I often think that kids that I don’t see being disciplined at all (after doing something blatantly wrong like grabbing a toy from a younger child) are spoiled and bad. I don’t have any kids so I don’t know what I would do so I don’t comment about how I feel…
dede

1. does that cousin have kids because if she did she would understand
2. if she does where were they
3. did she leave them with someone unlike you who chose to bring your baby
4. girl don’t even worry about that you do what you know best
5. hello!! your baby is one
6.i think mothers who are not attentive to their children don’t know what it is like sacifice,and to make sure baby is ok, well feed, clothes properly,happy.
7.i got a 3 and a 1 year old.
last comment mind your own business cousin!!
http://www.blackwivesclub.wordpress.com Tiya’

I agree with the other posts, he’s a baby, I would not consider that spoiled. My kids have been called spoiled before and I’ve always disagreed with that. Tara, I guess I’m like your parents, when I see that they’ve worked hard (gotten all A’s, or kept their rooms cleaned) then yes they can get rewarded, new outfit or a new toy. I believe in positive reinforcement, when you do good you deserve good things. I consider spoiled to be more about a kid throwing tantrums, and acting a fool when they can’t get what they want (emphasis on the word want, not need), my kids don’t do that. And I don’t believe that a 1 year old who wanted food, would fall under this category. lol.
http://www.wisdomswork.com DonielleMichele

I can totally relate. I have a 1 and 2 year old and if the wind is hitting them the wrong way they can potentially get cranky….lol!! They also don’t play when it comes to their food. I thought I was the only one that had children cry if you don’t get their food fast enough! I have been told my children are spoiled and I myself have been told I am spoiled. It’s funny that King James said that it seems to come from those that “have not” because thinking back, he is right. My aunt used to say that my siblings and I were spoiled and she was a struggling single parent (and my mother practically raised and fed her kids too)
BusybodyK….. I know you said you don’t have children but I never allow people to call my children bad. That’s a label not suited for children. I def agree with you on children that are not disciplined when they do something wrong….they tend to turn out ungrateful and “spoiled.”
Being spoiled doesn’t mean getting what you want all the time. It means treating your children like “their crap doesn’t stink” and being blind to their wrong behavior. I say if me feeding my children, keeping them looking fresh and groomed, and busting my tail to buy them things makes them spoiled then so be it. I would rather have the label of “spoiling” my children rather than neglecting and enabling wrong behavior. If spoiling my babies is wrong, I don’t want to be right…..lol!
Harriet

Truthfully, I never really thought about it. When people whom I have not given the right nor the privilege of giving me advice about how to raise my children come to me with foolishness like that, I have no problem putting them in their place.

I actually had to look the word up in the dictionary just to answer this comment! I know what culture states about being spoiled, but the real nitty gritty lies within character: “to impair the disposition or character of by overindulgence or excessive praise.”

He’s too young to have developed his overall character, and his disposition is something that can be adjusted. There’s no impairment there…he’s just a BABY. That’s what babies do because they haven’t gotten used to communicating their needs with words quite yet.
http://theyoungmommylife.com Tara

I think everyone is here is right. People call my kids spoiled all the time for things that I don’t even think twice about.

For example, we bought a house with four bedrooms and people told me my kids were spoiled because they had their own rooms. I replied that 1) I didn’t want the toddler to wake up the baby 2) we plan on being in the house for a long time, and 3) we didn’t want the boy and the girl to share a room once they were older (teenage). How does that make a kid spoiled? It just means we bought the house at the right time at a good price! LOL.

I agree with King James that a lot of times people who may not be able to give their kids material things are quick to sling that label around. I work hard to give my kids’ nice things and if they aren’t behaving like they deserve it, then they don’t get it. Doesn’t make my kids spoiled.
http://www.mrkingjames.blogspot.com King James

Who says that ‘spoil’ is a bad thing? I think it’s dual.

What husband doesn’t want to spoil his wife… or wife not wanting to be spoiled?

Also means to take great care of…

spoils = goods
Iknowu

I think a child is spoiled when they are given thing (materialism) without working for it. A child being fed, dressed or loved does not mean they are spoiled. People use to say I was spoiled when I was growing up however, that was from the outside looking in. I never was nurtured as much as I would have liked to have been and anything I asked for was invalidated. But I had my own bedroom with a television (that was picked up off the street) in it and somehow I was spoiled. I have called my friends child spoiled because she is often not disciplined.
http://lilthisandthat.blogspot.com/ Latonya

My children have been called “spoiled”. Initially, I took it personally because I look as spoiled as being undisciplined and not being appreciative. I wonder why do people insist on calling children under 3 spoiled. They are still learning the rules of life, and building their vocabulary. I have a friend that makes it a point to express her opinion about my children when she doesn’t have any, and then flips the script when I speak up for myself and my children. Basically, I think that as a parent commenting on others’ kids in a negative light is unnecessary for the simple fact it is easier to see the flaws in another’s child than in your own. If a person happens to notice a not so good characteristic pointing it out to the parent in a polite way is better than labeling that person’s child.
Staycee2

Well, from the looks of all the responses I can only say one word that I gather from all of your experiences “jealousy”. The people that have made them comments from the responses above are just plain old jealous of all of you all!! No a 1 year old is not spoiled from wanting his food in a timely fashion. I reward my kids as well. Althoug sometimes I wonder if I’m spoiling my 11 year daughter for straight “A’s” since kindergarten, whom is now in the 6th grade. I also reward her for doing the extra credit on projects when I already know she going to get an “A” and end up with 120 points opposed to 100 points. I don’t think I’m spoiling her because when I reward her, it just builds momentum for her to continue to do well! No I didn’t have much coming up, but my mom made sure we had what we deserved and it was the finer things in life. I love my kids unconditionally and I would give them the world if I could!
Anonymom

I think its spoiled when you reward someone for doing what they are supposed to do. Cleaning your room, getting good grades, getting along well with siblings.

Responding immediately to every whine is going to create an adult that feels as though their whims should be indulged and that they should get a pat on the back for meeting expectations.

Feeding the baby is one thing, he has to eat. But don’t we sometimes indulge our kids because we want them to simmer down. A spoonful that is 5 seconds late is not going to starve anyone.

Sometimes, you can do way more than you are supposed to do and still not get rewarded, that’s life. How do we teach that?
Aja

1) I think that it’s pretty hard to spoil a one-year-old, especially when hes crying just because he’s hungry. For the most part, babies are all pretty spoiled. They cry to express themselves and we have to respond to their needs.

2) I don’t think that behavior should continue far beyond the baby stage, and I also am going to have to take the unpopular opinion that I don’t agree with priding ourselves on being spoiled or spoiling our children. I have the means to do a lot of things for my kids as did my own parents, but I didn’t get everything I wanted just because I wanted it when I was only doing what was expected of me. If I wanted extras, I did extra, and I teach my own children the same. I’m going to have to agree with anonymom that teaching our kids that they should be rewarded just for doing what they are supposed to do creates a sense of entitlement that can make it hard once you get into the real world and don’t have everything handed to you.
Kimberly

I do not think your kids are spoiled. People have this preconceived notion that if kids cry they are spoiled, if you hold them too long at 2 months then you are spoiling them, if you give your kids something that they dont give their kids then they are spoiled. I believe it all boils down to how you want to raise your kids. As you stated, if the kids are on point and it is within means, I dont see why they cannot have it. Do not let others decide what goes on in your house.
http://theyoungmommylife.com Tara

“Sometimes, you can do way more than you are supposed to do and still not get rewarded, that’s life. How do we teach that?”

As I stated in the article, I was beyond spoiled. Honestly.

But I still managed to understand that rewards don’t come with everything. How is that possible?

I truly believe there is a difference between kids who are “spoiled” versus “spoiled rotten.” Like King James said, why does being “spoiled” have to be a bad thing?

To me, “spoiled” means they are treated like little princes/princesses, within reason. When my dad would go on his business trips, he would always bring me and my sisters back little gifts. On Valentine’s Day, he would get us chocolates and teddy bears. Every Friday my parents gave me and my sisters $10 each to get a book at the bookstore. My mom would go out of her way to make her world-famous salmon cakes if we asked. Those were just little things that they would do to let us know they cared, above the standard clothes, food, shelter parents are supposed to provide. I refuse to see anything wrong with that.

“Spoiled rotten” is what other commenters alluded to, when parents indulge every whine and demand. I think it is when kids are “spoiled” rotten that they don’t understand how the rest of the world works, that everyone won’t treat them like Mommy and Daddy.

Yes, not being rewarded for hard work sucks, whether you learn that lesson at home or in the “real world.” I want my kids to feel special in my house. Period.

Perhaps I’ll feel differently when I’ve got a bunch of ungrateful teenagers running around (lol) but I do want my kids to feel like home is their shelter from the harsh realities of the world. That may be naive, but that’s my view and I’m sticking to it! LOL.
http://www.wisdomswork.com DonielleMichele

Amen to that Tara! With that being said….case closed….lol!! I do agree with you though. My children will face all kinds of harsh realities in life so why wouldn’t I make them feel like they are the cat’s meow in my home. They will be busting their tail with chores, school and eventually a job but I am mommy and I will “spoil” my kids if I want to. My mother also gave us the world but still instilled great morals and behaviors in all of her children. She worked 3 jobs to keep us in the best schools and made sure we had money at all times. We would go out to eat at a restaurant every Friday or Saturday and order our Shirley Temples thinking we were grown…lol! My mother gave my sister and I gifts on EVERY holiday to make us feel special and let us know mommy loves you and you don’t need any man to validate you with gifts. I grew up with family constantly telling us we were spoiled but I have and displayed more respect for my mother than their kids did to them!! Bottom line, teach your children what it is to be great in this world (morals, respect, love, kindness, faith, PRIDE)and then tell them they need to be better and EVERYTHING else will fall into place.
http://Funkidivagirl.com Funkidivagirl

Interesting comments. My kids do not want for anything and get pretty much everything that they ask for, but mostly for birthdays and Christmas. Sometimes I will buy something just because they ask for it, but if I say no to that request then they just take it in stride. Therefore I do not think that my kids are spoiled…they get everything, but they don’t beg and can handle when I say no. My kids are well-mannered and I can take them anywhere and know that they will behave and be welcomed back. I know spoiled kids and I call them that because they are whiny and demanding–and their parents cater to their demands. These are kids who need to be told “no” sometimes and punished when they pout and cry because they didn’t get their way (I’m talking about kids over age 6). I do not like to have these kids over to my house.
ProudAuntieof2

Okay, seeing how these two are my niece and nephew we’re talking about LOL…

My niece is a LITTLE spoiled. Just a little. The better word for it is diva, even though she’s only three. Her personality is vibrant, even for a toddler.

Nephew just wants his needs met. Feed him, change him, play with him, put him to sleep. That’s about all he asks for. Not hardly being spoiled.

I personally agree with a lot of what Tara said. Our parents wanted the best for us. They didn’t believe in denying a child just for the sake of denying a child. There had to be a reason.

They also stressed the importance of priorities. Sure, we could go to that party on Friday, if homework got done before. Chores had to be done before we were going to get to go to that favorite restaurant.

Spoiled Rotten

About the author

Facebook Fan Page

You Saved Me – DVD

Happily Ever After – DVD

Men Ain’t Boys – DVD

BMWK Classic Posts

Recent Comments

Recent Posts

BMWK Partners