Strong Shoulder or Misery’s Company?

Relationships

by Lamar Tyler | on September 9th, 2009 | 17 comments

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by Aja Jackson

I like my husband’s friends. Some of them may have taken some getting used to, but for the most part they are a group of stand-up guys, always ready to lend a helping hand (or two when you’ve had to move heavy furniture as much as we have). Until recently, I’ve never objected to them coming around, or my husband going out with any one of them.

Then two of my husband’s closest married friends started having trouble at home. One day as my husband was filling me in on the many details of their home drama which seem to be the topic of conversation whenever the crew hangs out these days, I had to let him know how I feel. The idea of him hanging out with a group of unhappily married men bothers me.

Now by no means am I suggesting that he completely abandon his buddies, nor do I want to be the woman trying to ruin friendships that existed long before my husband even knew my name. I just know that unhappiness can be even more contagious than happiness and when sitting around hearing people complain about their spouses and the pitfalls of married life it’s a lot easier to chime in than be the one to say “Hey, my marriage is great!”

My husband assures me that his friends’ current pessimistic outlook on marriage won’t have any effect on him, but I’m not totally convinced. Negativity tends to breed negativity and when you are constantly watching someone look through the magnifying glass at their own problems, it can be hard to resist the temptation to turn the microscope on your own. A true friend will always be there with a supportive ear, but there is a fine line between being there for support and just being misery’s company. I can only encourage him as he walks that line to tread lightly.

BMWK, what would you think if your spouse’s close friends were having marriage troubles. Do you think it would eventually somehow affect your marriage?

Aja Dorsey Jackson
Ajadorsey@hotmail.com

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

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Comments (17)

SingLikeSassy Wednesday - 09 / 09 / 2009 Reply

I agree with this. I have a friend who is unhappily married and I scaled back on her when I got married cause I decided I didn't want her voice to be the main one I heard in the early days of building the foundation for my marriage.
reef Wednesday - 09 / 09 / 2009 Reply

As the writer states, these are close friends that the husband has known for a while. If the husband respects the marriage, he's not going to let a friend's opinion sway his actions in regards to the marriage. There are plenty of negative things that close friends talk to about each other - that's what makes them close friends. He needs to be there for his friends when they need him the most.
Christina Wednesday - 09 / 09 / 2009 Reply

I think you just have to be strong enough to guard your heart. I've had friends who were having marital troubles, yet said they were inspired by my husband and me. In a world when many are quick to tell someone who is unhappy at home to just get a divorce, people sometimes need the happily married friend who will pray for and with them while encouraging them to hold on/work out their problems.
Spenseravery Wednesday - 09 / 09 / 2009 Reply

Scaling back is the best move. (@SingLikeSassy) Trying to keep up with your newly on the prowl best-friend is not in anyway good for the healthiest of Marriages. Let alone hearing everything that 'she' did wrong. I went through a similar situation and trying to be there while he worked on his NEW life consisted of bars, night clubs and compromising situations. That in hindsight I should have not put MYself in. He should still be a friend. Be a confidant to a point. But it is the rare Married couple that keeps a lot of single friends around there Marriage.
Staycee2 Wednesday - 09 / 09 / 2009 Reply

Aja, what a good topic to touch on. I must admit you are right! 90% of my husband's friends are single and one time my hubby came home and told me that he is getting the short end of the stick as it relates to our marriage (picking up the kids from daycare, cooking & etc.) I told my husband guess what your friends kids aren't on the honor roll in school, they're kids aren't active like our kids AND they're wives/girlfriends don't love them, b/c they come home all hours of the night/morning! Lastly, I told him stop doing for our kids like your doing now and you will be faced with divorce papers! Long story short, my husband apologized to me and also apologized for bringing those negative thoughts into our home! I agree that men are close and lean on each other the way women do, but in any relationship you get what you put in!
nayonowen Wednesday - 09 / 09 / 2009 Reply

I disagree. this is the time your husband needs encouragement, support and someone he can try to model from. You have to remember everyone deals with marriage differently. Also, I have learned stay out of other people's relationship as soon as you comment they will not forget and may resent you later. just let him be there for his friend and YOU do what you need to do to keep your home secure.
Shayla Wednesday - 09 / 09 / 2009 Reply

Wonderful article as always Aja. I personally believe that you want to be their for your friend no matter what, but there is a fine line. Certain things are between a husband and wife and should remain there. Its one thing to tell vent to a friend and mention something that really annoyed you about your spouse or a stupid argument that you might have had, but then when it comes to a point where there are serious issues, they need to be left at the door. The saying of Misery loves company is definitely true. Be a good friend but know where to draw the line.
Terrific Wednesday - 09 / 09 / 2009 Reply

I understand and agree with what everyone has said. And the thing is, when a husband is trying to give advice to his troubled married friend, he may feel the need to say negative things about his own marriage, so it's like he relates to the troubled friend. On the more positive side, it could be, "I relate to your troubles, but my wife and I work it out by doing this this and this". Like Christina said, the troubled friend could be inspired by a great marriage. I agree with Shayla, serious marriage issues should stay within the marriage or extended to a marriage counselor.
Mom of 3 Wednesday - 09 / 09 / 2009 Reply

I am kind of on the fence on this one. I recently got a divorce and prior to being divorced, my ex-husband and I had been having problems for a few years. My very best friend is happily married and I respect and admire she and her husband's marriage. With that said, my best friend has been the shoulder that I lean on and cry on. I don't try to taint her image of marriage as I think that would be wrong to do and I would not be acting like a real best friend. I understand Aja's concern about her husband hanging out with his friends who are unhappily married, however, I feel that if his friends are truly his friends, they will respect the marriage and not let their personal problems affect their friend's marriage.
Ronnie Wednesday - 09 / 09 / 2009 Reply

Great post Aja!! I can relate to having friends or family members that have a negative view on marriage because of their own troubled relationships. I try to stay positive and I hope that my marriage will be a positive example for them. However, sometimes the negativity can be too much and that is when I have to step back for a while.
Anna Wednesday - 09 / 09 / 2009 Reply

Mom of 3 said: I am kind of on the fence on this one. I recently got a divorce and prior to being divorced, my ex-husband and I had been having problems for a few years. My very best friend is happily married and I respect and admire she and her husband’s marriage. With that said, my best friend has been the shoulder that I lean on and cry on. I don’t try to taint her image of marriage as I think that would be wrong to do and I would not be acting like a real best friend. I understand Aja’s concern about her husband hanging out with his friends who are unhappily married, however, I feel that if his friends are truly his friends, they will respect the marriage and not let their personal problems affect their friend’s marriage. ~~~~~~ I am with you on this one. Everyone needs a shoulder to lean/cry on. My hubby has friends who are either single with kids, shacking up or those divored once, twice or three times. I don't think any of them disrespect our marriage though. If anything they say appreciate what you have and don't be out there like you are a single. Married ppl who have problems would never wish unhappiness (just because things did not work out in their relatiionshp/marriage) on their friend. Not everyone in a bad marriage is trying to sabatage those around them. Maybe it's because we are older and the game days are done or maybe because we have good friends who really do respect our marriage, even though they may not be so blessed at the current time. In the beginning some ppl don't want you to be together and they get over it and learn examples by the ppl in a good or bad marriage/relationship.
Daisy Friday - 11 / 09 / 2009 Reply

Hey anna *waving*
Anna Sunday - 13 / 09 / 2009 Reply

Daisy said: Hey anna *waving* ~ Hey Daisy. Waving righ back. I am on staycation. But you know my addicted butt will be in the other crazy site. This site keeps me sane and the othe site keeps me occupied while working.
Tiffany Thursday - 24 / 09 / 2009 Reply

Negativity does breed negativity....I will have been married for 4 years come November and we have been separated twice. The first time was for just a few days, this time 7 mths and counting. I have been speaking with a friend of mine that was married a few months before we were and she has helped to put me back on track of what marriage is all about and why I married my husband in the first place. During the last three months, I have been doing a lot of soul seaching and trying to figure out why we separated in the first place. I don't even remember. All that I remember is one day I woke up and told my husband that I want him gone. He did not agree at first but then I became this mean evil monster and he then ran away from me. During my soul search, I realized that my family gave me a way out. Always telling me that I can do so much better and that my husband is pulling me back. They told me that I didn't seem happy, etc..etc..etc..whispering in my ear on how to be selfish toward my husband and how they would help me with certain things as long and I don't tell and share with my husband. If I was to get a bonus or just anything extra, they would tell me not to tell my husband and do things for myself. At first, I did not listen, then I started to believe it and started walking around with this attitude like I have so much more than my husband and I have so much better than him and how I deserve so much better. I have come to realize that it is not about me, its about us. the stronger I am, the stronger we are. We are a team and I need to let the outside be just where they are, on the outside - my husband and I are in this together and alone. You see, no one in my family is married....atleast as far as the women go. the males are, the women aren't. Misery loves company. My mother always tell me how everything that she has is hers and how if she ever meet a man he would have to buy her a new house, etc....etc...because she worked hard for what she has and he can not come and live in it. I understand her being strong, but that is also her pitfall - showing selfishness...Today, we will be going to our first counseling session. We need to get back on track. I love my husband and what forever and a day. He deserves the best of me and more.
Isaiah54 17istheone Monday - 08 / 08 / 2011 Reply

Misery loves company. I know not think its important to always guard your heart your relationship &home. You will find yourself feeling sorry then apologize for your relationship. I think it may also start someone comparing the wrongs &rights of their relationship. It's ok to be his or her friend a true will but there are limits bc 1 of the things is sometimes it can consume all the conversation of your relationship and that's not good bc your spouse will get tired of hearing about someone.problems not 2 mention everyone has problems. Now if they become single then I would really guard myself. and relationship then bc when.someone is miserable and single that's a dangerous combination.
Thomas Nicky Sunday - 25 / 09 / 2011 Reply

I have to disagree in some aspects of this argument. I have been in that exact position for 4 years now. My husband had his group of friends before I met him. Almost all of them were married. We got together and got married. Even now, whenever any of his friends are going through something, my husband is the first one they call. So I have been through, seen, and heard it all over the years. Every single one of his friends that were married when we met are now divorced (one is now remarried.) He has a few new set of friends and 2 of them are having marital issues. But my husband and I have never allowed their view or feelings towards their marriage affect us.
Sunnylove Sunday - 25 / 09 / 2011 Reply

Hey Aja, I think Reef and Cristina made some great points. I too feel that, your strong marriage will shed some light on the problems that your husbands friends are having even if it's about the way they communicate should there be divorce. Yes, misery does love company but your husband may get to a point where he doesn't want to keep that company and will step back on his own. I have definitely done this after sharing my perspective with a friend or just listening to them. I say be supportive and just keep nurturing the marriage that you have.