To Spank or Not To Spank…That is the Question

Parenting

by Lamar Tyler | on September 22nd, 2009 | 5 comments

by Harriet Hairston

BMWK, about a year ago I wrote an article about my disciplinary practices with my son. Since then, I have taken the time to assess and evaluate the way I discipline him. I think he’s getting to an age where spankings from me are no longer having a corrective effect on him, and I want to get some feedback about what other parents do in order to instill discipline and ensure set boundaries are adhered to with their children.

What works for one child may not work for another, but I’m open to any ideas. What say you, BMWK?

God bless!

~ Harriet

Harriet Hairston, a freelance writer, human resources administrator at an HBCU and creator of the motivational blog, “Can She SAY That?!?” has a unique style that brings readers into her life through her transparent demeanor. She lives in Louisiana with her husband and two sons. You can reach her at harriet_hairston@yahoo.com.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

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Comments (5)

Smooth Tuesday - 22 / 09 / 2009 Reply

Discpline starts when the child know the difference between Yes and No. It seems that the children today knows the difference at age 1. Remember the old saying, "What you start, is what you finish". Let the child know that when you say "NO, you mean "NO". There is no room for discussion, chldren will play you and before you know it, you will be embarassed when you are outside of your home and some friends may not want you and your child around their child because children learn fast from each other. You can't wait until the child starts school to discipline them, by that time they should know that Mommie and Daddy means what they say. As the child gets older then you can punish with them with things; no TV, no playing outside, etc., And most of ALL...always be the PARENT...not the FRIEND....you will have plenty of time to be their friend...when they can support themselves, that is when the friendship starts...not before. Be Strong, it's no written manual, each child is different but Mommie and Daddy's rules should never change. Yes mean Yes and No should always mean NO. Get them ready for the real world with strong principles, this will teach them that they cannot always have what they want.
Lady4Christ Tuesday - 22 / 09 / 2009 Reply

Discpline means many things but it doesn't always mean spanking. I've learned this the hard way, four months ago I had my youngest son removed from my home for child abuse accusations, because my husband gave him a spanking on the behind with a belt and I am fighting like the dickens now to get him back. In my journey in trying to get him back I have been able to learn diffrent and effective ways of disciplining my children without hitting them. The number one thing is effective communication; talk to your child. The next thing is to lead by example; show them what you expect of them. Reward good behavior; PRAISE, PRAISE, PRAISE!!Everyone loves a pat on the back, especially little ones, so tell them when you are proud of them and when they have met your expectations. Don't shame them when they have done wrong, just let them know that they let you down and that you know they can do better and they you can't wait to see them do better the next time. At the end of the day, love them into doing right and you won't go wrong.
Harriet Tuesday - 22 / 09 / 2009 Reply

@ Lady4Christ Wow...that's really serious. Was your husband beating him, or was it just a spanking? I've been thinking hard about different ways beyond just praising, being the example and being clear about what the expectations/rules are. I've always done that with my son, and he definitely understands the difference between "YES" and "NO." At times he is just hard headed, and when I think his disobedience is willful, that's when I graduate my disciplinary practices. Spanking has never been (nor will it ever be) my first line of discipline. I just don't think for me, it is going to be effective any longer. My son's personality is more hungry for praise rather than discipline. He gets plenty of discipline, especially verbally. But as a parent, I think I've fallen short in terms of praising him, so I'm definitely making a concerted effort to stoke that in him more. I'm sure he'll end up being just like his mama...I stopped getting spankings from my parents around age 6. First, they were no longer effective, and second, I not only learned what was acceptable and unacceptable, but I was willing to ensure I did not even attempt to bend those rules...not because I was scared of my parents, but because I didn't want to disappoint them.
Dedra Tuesday - 22 / 09 / 2009 Reply

I think mixing it up is best for me. I only spank as a last result. I use time outs with my twins and with my teen I'll usually take something away from him. I always talk to them and I always allow them to give their side of the situation. I think listening to my children before reacting has had a positive effect in regards to displining my children. My husband on the other hand has a way to go. He yells a lot, but he's working on it. Also, all children are different(i.e. personalities, age, gender, ect.)so the discipline must be too.
Anna Tuesday - 22 / 09 / 2009 Reply

Great comments and my best wishes to Lady4Christ. Ppl don't realize how easy it is to have a child until they have to fight to get them back. I have seen many ppl in your situation and once the State steps in it's a uphill battle.(all in your situation that I know did get their kid(s) back). I have seen so many parents spank their child(ren) over what I think is stupid and petty on the parents part. kids get spanked so much that it does become ineffective and the child really does get immune to it. I was not one who resorted to spanking.(I did it a few times per child, I didn't like it). My kids wanted it because it was quicker but I liked to ground them, it was more effective for us. Communication really is key. To sit and talk and listen to your child vs reacting and spanking quickly, makes a big difference. when we sit and talk with our kids we are showing them that they are important. I have said it before and belive it to this day that most parents who spank their kids for every little thing don't realize that they are creating a bully. Unfortunately some parents take their own fustration out on a kid that the kid probably doesn't even know why he is being spanked. A child should never be spanked over spilling milk, as parents we just have them help us clean it up, not spank them because we are mad it costs 3 bucks a galllon. LOL. Great Post. Now don't get me wrong, there are some neighbor kids I would love to beat the h%%l out of, but I don't I just talk to them as I do my own. But I do let them know when I am disappointed in them as though they are my own kids. It is much easier to be the nice white lady next door vs the mean lady in the white house. LOL.