Make It Last Forever

Relationships

by Lamar Tyler | on October 8th, 2009 | 39 comments

marriage

by Tara Pringle Jefferson

When it comes to topic of marriage, everyone wants to put their two cents in on what keeps a marriage strong. For all those with upcoming nuptials (Jonesi, I’m looking at you!), let’s weigh in to help them out.

What’s the best piece of marriage advice that you’ve heard, or that you could give? In other words, what do you wish someone had told you before you walked down the aisle (that would have saved you a lot of headache)?

Mine is quite simple: Love your spouse as he or she is today. Love them as if they will never get more romantic, more thoughtful, more ambitious, more perfect. Love them as they are.

What’s your piece of advice to the soon-to-be newlyweds?

Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer living in Ohio with her husband and two kids. Visit her blog, theyoungmommylife.com to read her musings on life, love and motherhood.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

MissJay

My husband’s (now mine too) aunt and uncle pulled us to the side a few hours after our wedding (almost 2 weeks in-yay! Lol) they gave us wonderful advice and a composite of words from the Bible to read every morning. They told us to never take eachother for granted and to pray with ans for eachother. Always make time for eachother. It’s advice that we plan to follow and I’m glad to pass at least some of it on. Good luck Jonesi! I haven’t seen you around in a while but I definitly know and understand why! Planning a wedding is tiring and hard work!
Yolanda (The Queen)

Seek spiritual counsel before and during your marriage to stay aligned with God’s plan for your marriage…be blessed!
Harriet

- Your spouse is not the enemy. LOL

- Love your spouse the way THEY define love. For example, if i’m all about long conversations, but he’s all about hugs and cuddling, he’s not going to respond to my expression of love if I come up to him trying to talk. He’d prefer a hug. Learn to speak his love language.

- Be your spouse’s biggest fan!

- And most importantly, what Yolanda said!
Christina

You can’t change your spouse. You can only change yourself and how you react to them.
http://blackandmarriedwithkids.com Lamar

Congratulations MissJay can’t remember if I told you that yet?
Staycee2

MissJay welcome to the marriage club & CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!! COMMUNICATION is EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!! The other advice given is on POINT!!!
http://www.mrkingjames.blogspot.com King James

Women.. just do what he says.
http://www.babybumping.blogspot.com Aja

Lol @ King James. I don’t know how well that one works. My pastor told us to figure out what things make the other person happy and do them.
http://theyoungmommylife.com Tara

I love this advice! Keep it coming! And congrats to MissJay!

@Aja – Do you see how I said your post yesterday totally made me want to re-write this one? LOL.
http://misseloquence.wordpress.com Allygyrl702

I am single and I have heard 2 great pieces of advice for when I do get married.
1) Whenever you and your spouse are going through financial hardships have lots of sex! Troubles in finances can strain the relationship so the extra sex will help keep you two connected during the hardship.

2) If you are home before your husband or if you are a housewife, look extra nice when your husband gets home. He’s been at work all day looking at ugly old men, or sexy young women and one sight of you needs to be his reminder why he’s going to work everyday and why he’s the luckiest man to have you.
http://www.scritchandscratch.com/blog VEe!

OK, some cool advice I got before I got married and some lessons I learned from obversations.

1. Communication. Make sure you can talk to him or her. PERIOD. If she or he is not your friend, if you can not agree to disagree, unable to compromise, use self control, self restraint or communicate with respect then all I can say is good luck.

2. Make sure you’re reason for getting married is beyond love. I may love you but are you ambitious, educated, funny, responsible, practical, amiable, religious and can you get freaky? Love is love but trying to make a union with some one who is not financially responsible can cause serious problems.

2.a. Remove romance, love and happiness from the picture. Think about marriage like a business venture because legally it is. You will be working with this person towards building a family, managing a mortgage, possibly educating a child, going on vacations, getting investments, healthcare, etc. and do not forget you will be paying business taxes together. In the end there is a lot of work, sharing duties, and picking up the slack in a marriage.

@King James, yeah!! Ha.
@Aja, whatever keeps her smiling, motivated, inspired and feeling alive works for me!
http://whyte23.blogspot.com/ Whyte23

@ allygrl702 two goods one….thanks for sharing…I love them.
@ Harriet spouse’s biggest fan…tell the truth! Lov it
@ staycee2 COMMUNICATION is EVERYTHING….amen.
@ Yolanda (The Queen)…you sound like a season Veteran w/whom has had long service.

After 22 years and counting of a health marriage not all been roses but, we grew together….our piece of advice are:
I” or “Me” thinking is what we as individuals bring to our relationship. It is our independent selfish way of thinking. We are not stating that it is a bad way of thinking, it works ok for single life but can bring ‘issues’ to a two person relationship.

We transition from “I” to “We” by putting the needs of the relationship a head of our individual needs. Remember when the relationship wins you as an individual win.
To understand that “Our marriage” is bigger than our own individual thoughts, wishes and desires.

Because together “We” can achieve More of….
Our hopes
Our dreams
Our desires

WE can GROW twice as big “together” than we can grow alone.

Thank you for reading ….One Love!
Whyte23
http://loridjohnson.blogspot.com Lori

One funny piece of advice one of my busy-body, older church members gave me years ago had to do with “commuter” relationships.

At the time, my spouse had gotten a new job in Ohio and was coming home to TN every couple of weeks to see me and our son. Well, my church member warned me to be careful about letting my husband be in another state by himself for too long. She said, “If you wait too long to relocate, once you do get there, you may just discovered he’s gone ahead and established a whole ‘nother family!” LOL
Harriet

Lord, have mercy @ Lori. ROFL!

I wanted to add my congrats to the table for MRS. Jay! Keep that honey in the moon, girl! May you enjoy and be blessed!
Harriet

see…that’s why KJ ain’t married. ROFL!
http://www.babybumping.blogspot.com Aja

@ Tara I don’t think this is opposite to my post. I think good advice is always worth taking. It’s just important to know that everyone’s advice isn’t good and that even if it is good you actually have to take the advice for it to work!
T. Rogers

I like a lot of what has already been written. If I could add anything I would just say this: Laugh. That’s right, laugh. Joke with your spouse. Poke fun at people with your spouse if you have to (of course not in a malicious way). The point is laughter is truly fruit for the soul. Sharing a laugh together can go a long way at relieving tension. It also helps open up the lines of communication.

Being able to laugh with your spouse shows a willingness to be open with them. Laughter opens the door to intimacy in other areas. Many people that know me casually think I am a really serious guy. My wife thinks I am a goofball. And that’s a good thing.
acoustic bohemian

Good advice from everyone ( :

One thing I’ve learned is that as you get up into the ‘married years’ there will be some things that, if you’ve made a choice to stay in the marriage, you will have to forgive and forget.

This is easier said that done, you will have to truly forgive him or her in your heart and in your actions.

In my marriage we have deal breakers, where if we break one of those the marriage is probably (never positively)over. What this is depends on the person and should be talked about early on. As long as we haven’t crossed that line everything else can be worked on and worked out.

For example, my hubby is a neat freak…I am not. He lines things up neatly and I am more organic. If my kids want to play a game I leave the dishes. He did not like this so I changed. At first I was mad, I thought he was insulting me but I had to take all of those feelings out of it, He needs to be happy in his home just like I am. So when people say compromise think about small things.

Last, we are best friends. I watch the TV show with the family with 18 kids, at the beginning of the show as she’s introducing her family she says : ‘My wonderful husband __” I hear in her voice that she really means it and feels so strongly about him. She has alot of respect for him. I see how this feels now, the past few months I’ve been thinking of my husband that way. He’s wonderful – flaws not withstanding, he’s a good man. and visa versa men.

Respect each other, it’s not just saying nice things but feeling them.
Tiffany

I am a newlywed (3 months) and so far I think it’s very important to:

1. COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE!

2. Do something special for your spouse every once in a while. It can be something as simple as cooking their favorite meal after they’ve had a stressful day, or something more elaborate like buying tickets to their favorite sporting event.

3. Have quiet time together. My husband and I take at least two evenings each week to eat dinner at the table and talk to each other. No TV. No phone calls. Just us. Maybe some soft music in the background. We don’t have kids, but we’ll definetely continue this tradition when we begin our family )
Kimberly

The advice given to me was to stay prayerful daily, never go to bed mad, and to have sex often. I was told that it helps to keep you connected to your spouse. I must say that it works!
Robin

Accept each other for who each of you are. Be ok with your differences and realize that it is not the end of the world if you don’t see eye to eye. Be willing to compromise! And at the end of the day, love each other! Remember that love when times seem to be a little rough!
Mrs. Dickey

@ Tiffany, your situation sounds like mine (married 3 months, no kids) and my name is Tiffany too! LOL

Top 2 pieces of advice: 1) Keep God 1st in your marriage 2) Keep other people out of your marriage! Meaning, yeah you may want to vent, but don’t go telling the world what problems you and your spouse may have.. Only you two can fix the problem therefore only you two should discuss it.
KH_12yrs

The wedding is an exciting burst of energy… all eyes are on you. How you two dance together says alot about your relationship…believe it or not.
After all is done and the guests go home, remember to communicate with each other. If you don’t communicate — plain old talk to each other — you will never know: what’s right / what’s wrong / what’s next. Just as important is keeping God first and working together on small and big goals. You can only grow together if you do this. Hold hands through it all and remember: after the rings are exchanged, it’s about “US” and not U. So much more to say, but marriage is a foundation you build upon.. God bless.
KH_12yrs

@VEe – I disagree and would strongly recommend ROMANCE from time to time. You are building a life together, but just because you “have” each other, doesn’t mean you get jaded. Anniversaries aren’t the only time you remember you love each other. You do, in fact, have to LOVE HONOR and CHERISH — continue to value your spouse and let them know the desire of your heart is in them. It is one of the important reasons why you marry — in ADDITION to assets, mortgages, children… We always come together and remember that we chose each other and had as much love before the kids came; so that we have more after they are grown and gone. BTW – the “12″ is that we’ve been married 12 yrs., holding hands, through all kinds of crap.
Dee

Sounds like some awesome advice has already been given..I will have been married 18 years in 20 days. The one piece of advice I can give you is develop your own language. Take your shared experiences (Things that you have seen together, movies, dumb things your friends have done or said) and use them to develop a language that only you and your spouse understand. Me and my wife can have words, quotes and looks, that no one else in the world could understand, but make us laugh everytime. We can literally hold entire conversations with movie quotes. We use this to break up tense moments, and believe me there will be tense moments. We even developed our own unique goodbye kiss sequence, that has evolved over the years. Little things like this, personal, flavorful, funny, endearing and secret only to you and your spouse help to keep you close together in good times and bad. Be blessed, and much peace.
sheryl32

you have to believe and respect in each other. You have to keep in mind you are each other responsibility. So what you do to each other reflect yourself. Keep a positive mind and faith (your higher power). Enjoy each other like its your last.
Lamont

For those of us who put the cart before the horse, and had kids before saying I do and plan to marry the child’s parent. You must take the children out ot the equation and ask yourself would I marry this person if the kids were not a factor. The fact is that the marriage itself is the foundation of the family unit, and if the foundational piece is not strong, good parenting does not automatically give way into stable family unit. The idea is that one day the children will grow up and have their own lives leaving the two of you looking each other square in the face. Deal with that.
MrsT

This is all great advice, for newlyweds and not so newlyweds. I actually printed this entire posts, its 15 pages long. Sometimes you need to refer to something other than “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” when you need some relationship direction. Thanks everybody.
llc

The best advice I can give is make sure you’re in love with eachother not just the idea of being “married”. I’m thirty five and I’ve seen my share of marraiges break up becuase on of the parties were not truly “in love” with their spouse (at least 3).

Also, pray for God’s blessing and direction before you say I do and listen to that “internal spiritual voice”. If you’re feeling any negative feelings, or if that internal voice is saying “No, something isn’t right”, don’t move forward.

See, when you’re in love, it makes the tough times bearable.

be blessed
http://www.amazon.com/How-Did-I-Get-Here/dp/0982556403 The Writing Reverend

Something we do is date, date, date! I am always courting my wife and include her with any decision that is made in our household. And yes fellas that does include the bank account down to the last penny. Before spending our money we tell the money where it is going first, then we enjoy it together. So, if we are in a bind, we have already expected it coming and the stress levels are way down. We even started our own book club together so that we can have some good discussions when we see each other back at home and discuss our different perspectives of hot topics. It really does keep the friendship fresh.
Anna

The Writing Reverend said:
Something we do is date, date, date! I am always courting my wife and include her with any decision that is made in our household. And yes fellas that does include the bank account down to the last penny. Before spending our money we tell the money where it is going first, then we enjoy it together. So, if we are in a bind, we have already expected it coming and the stress levels are way down. We even started our own book club together so that we can have some good discussions when we see each other back at home and discuss our different perspectives of hot topics. It really does keep the friendship fresh.
~~~~~~~~~~
I agree with the date, date and date.(I have one tonight) I like my own seperate account though. I do agree with and love the book club together. Men and women are not going to see the same idea of the book written and it is so fun to talk and get a spouses persepctive.
http://www.mortifiedbooks.blogspot.com The Writing Reverend

I don’t have a problem with the separate account, because I do believe that if you have the communication thing down and the extra income to divide your income into separate accounts I am all for it. As long as the bills are getting paid the way they need to be I don’t see a problem with it. As someone who has worked with a lot of young couples that are literally pinching pennies I believe that a joint account is necessary to have it worked out to the penny so there is communication, which is one of the leading factors for divorce in low-income families. After divorce, then comes thew added statistics of living below the federal poverty level and angry children walking our streets.
Robert M

The object is not to win every battle but to win the war.
Works for raising children too.
http://www.mortifiedbooks.blogspot.com The Writing Reverend

I agree with winning the war, because even though sometimes I know that I’m right I still win the war by just apologizing. It is very profound and in turn I get some apologies back unexpectedly. So pride often has to go out of the window for me and I just wish that I could bring myself to it a lot sooner sometimes. Please check out my novel as it deals with this very subject.
http://www.amazon.com/How-Did-I-Get-Here/dp/0982556403
aprylh98

As a young, African-American woman who has been married to my mate for 16 years (I’m 36, he’s 37 and we have (4) children together), the best advice I would give to those who have a desire to be married is that I encourage you to ask the Lord to FIRST prepare you for marriage. You must submit to God’s future plans for your life and purpose to please Him. Do not make decisions without knowing God’s will, at the expense of your own personal spiritual growth. My husband and I married young (20 & 21) and this day and time, each partner brings a lot of emotional baggage into the marriage relationship. As you prepare for marriage, always remember the anointing that was upon Jesus is within you (Luke 4:18,19. This anointing will destroy every yoke of bondage as God exposes emotional wounds and heals your brokenness. Trust me, I know this very well.

Knowing the reality of your completeness in Christ Jesus will enable you to enter into a healthy relationship, one in which both you and your partner will grow together spiritually and in every other area of life. Ask God to teach you about boundaries, what they are and how to establish them instead of walls of defense against your spouse. Love your spouse unconditionally, delight in one another, forgive one another readily and freely as God in Christ has forgiven us; comfort, encourage and do each other only good as long as there is life within each of you and most of all, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE…… Hope this blesses someone!!!!!
http://www.mortifiedbooks.blogspot.com The Writing Reverend

I truly believe that and if it weren’t true my wife and I would have been done a long time ago. We even been through divorce court for several months and separated for a year and if it weren’t for the love and reflection of Christ Jesus there would be no way that we would have been able to celebrate another anniversary this past summer. As a man it is my initial intention to withdraw my vulnerabilities from my wife, but through the Word of Jesus my wife has been an outlet to weigh my headaches on and not leading me to find those securities in someone else.
Shendya Williams

Hello guys,
My fiance and I are getting married on 10/16/09 and I would love to get some advice from some married couples. We are young we are both 25 years of age and we have a son that is 1 years old. I really want us to last forever and i want to raise our family together. Im sure like everyone else we want the all american dream. But if you all can give me a little bit of advice that would be great.
MissJay

@Shendya Williams
Read all of the above! It’s all really great advice.

@everyone – Thanks for the congratz! It doesn’t feel too different but it does.

re: bank accounts – My husband and I (it’s still cool to type/say LOL)have seperate accounts and we also have a joint account. All 3 are connected to eachother so that we can transfer money if we need to.

@newlyweds – Congratulations!!!!!

@KJ – The clerk at Heaven and Earth told my husband that I’m always right, even when I’m not. And to always apologize and that takes the fight out of someone. Not only that after a while we (women) will have no problem apologizing to you (men). The pastor told him the same LOL.

Love all the advise I saw above! Definitely agree to stay in prayer. Honestly if you’re still looking and even if you’ve found the person you want to marry, stay in prayer! I can not stress that enough as that is exactly what I did. I prayed to help me chose the person God had for me, to help me in my decision to stay in the relationship, to help get through the madness of planning the wedding LOL, and to help us sustain it.
MissJay

@Shendya Williams
And congratz and good luck to you! It’s only 2 days away!!!! Remember to breathe! And some advice for the wedding day my friend gave me, don’t blink! It’s true, it flies by so fast!

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