When Someone Cheats, Who’s To Blame?

Relationships

by Lamar Tyler | on October 14th, 2009 | 24 comments

omagedwards

I was flipping through an old issue of O magazine the other day and came across Oprah’s interview with Elizabeth Edwards, wife of former Presidential candidate John Edwards. Elizabeth spoke candidly about dealing with her husband’s very public affair with a campaign videographer, but it was her answer to Oprah’s question of whether she blamed the other woman that struck me the most:

“I blame John. But I think that women have to have more respect for other women. I’ve created this life. It takes a lot of work to put together a marriage, to put together a family and a home. You can’t just knock on the door and say , “You’re out, I’m in.” You have to have enough respect for other human beings to leave their lives alone. If you admire that life, build it for yourself.”

I know that many people, myself included at times, place the blame when it comes to an affair completely on the spouse involved. After all, the husband or wife is the one who took the marriage vows so shouldn’t he or she be the one to blame when those vows are violated? But does that mean that the people outside of the marriage don’t have to observe and respect those vows as much as those that are within? Because the other man or women hasn’t taken a vow, does it then give them a pass to help knock down what someone else has worked so hard to build? Or does it make him or her an accessory to a crime and therefore just as guilty? Has our lack of respect for marriage as a society, and for one another as human beings, made it more acceptable to operate as the other woman or man in a relationship?

Aja Dorsey Jackson is a freelance writer and marketing consultant in Baltimore, Maryland. She is author of the blog babybumping@blogspot.com and can be reached at ajadorsey@hotmail.com.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

Christina

I absolutely agree with her!! I’ve had this conversation with friends before. I don’t blame the other woman for extramarital affairs, however as women, we have to have more respect for other women than to do that. We have to respect them enough to tell a man to go home to his wife and not participate in adultery.
http://theyoungmommylife.com Tara

I think both parties are to blame. Even if you, as the other woman (or man) don’t think you have any responsibility in the situation, you are still an accessory and karma is a…well, you know…
busybodyk

They are an accessory and just as guilty. This reminds me of the recent drama between Alicia Keys and Mashonda and like Nene of RHOA says to Kim of RHOA, “close your legs to married men” LOL
http://www.thenewblackrevolution.com Tony

I think the “victim” of the cheating can, in some cases, also bear some
responsibility. If you aren’t providing the physical and mental intimacy your partner craves, there are others who will be glad to do it for you. You can’t just treat someone any way you like and then get angry when they’re attracted to someone who treats them right and makes them feel like a King or Queen. To paraphrase and old song…”the same thing it took to get your lover is the same thing it’s gonna take to keep them.”
http://www.babybumping.blogspot.com Aja

I’m going to have to disagree with that one Tony. While I do agree with the last quote, I don’t think that feeling like you are being treated wrong by your spouse should ever be used as an excuse to cheat. If you feel like things are going wrong, do what needs to be done to make it better. There is nowhere in the wedding vows that says its ok to cheat if you feel your needs aren’t being met. You need to work on your marriage from inside, not look elsewhere.
MrsT

Actually Aja, I do agree with Tony, any cheated on spouse who isn’t willing to take a good hard look at themselves and evaluate what they could have contributed to their spouse cheating is in serious denial. Elizabeth Edwards included. I also agree that women (and men) do need to respect the marriage vows of others, but I know it is a very rare case when a completely happy and satisfied married person cheats (of course a person can be a selfish a$$hole just because, but it is rare). And if your spouse is not completely happy and satisfied in your marriage, don’t you have some responsibly for that? It is not an excuse the cheating spouse is still dead wrong for choosing to remedy their unhappiness and dissatisfaction with someone other than their spouse, but windows can be broken from inside the house as well as outside.
Harriet

I don’t think there are any “innocent victims” when it comes to adultery. There are levels of wrong-ness (if that’s a word), but I can guarantee you that EVERYONE–the spouse being cheated on, the spouse cheating, the other person(s), etc.–had a role to play in allowing that kind of betrayal to wreak havoc on a marriage.
LaPreghiera

My thing is with Tony’s response is, if the innocent spouse is not doing what it takes to “keep” their spouse, why do the cheaters remain in the relationship? It is sooo easy to get a divorce these days, why cheat and deceive the other spouse (if only for a while) into believing everything is on the up and up? That is the cruellest part, and I’d take all the responsibility off of the spouse who may have been slacking in their duties, when the cheater holds on to the marriage to maintain appearances, because of a prenup or money, which is all basically selfishness. Some are like, well they have kids, well the kids don’t want to live a lie either.
I wrote on another blog about Mashonda & Alicia, Alicia is just doing what a whore does, she has no responsibility to Mashonda per se aside for giving account to God for exacerbating the break up of their marriage. My thing is, why Alicia let this relationship bruise her image and integrity to a degree? If he is hot for you while he is married, he will/should still be after it when he is free and the dust settles!!
Anna

Harriet said:
I don’t think there are any “innocent victims” when it comes to adultery. There are levels of wrong-ness (if that’s a word), but I can guarantee you that EVERYONE–the spouse being cheated on, the spouse cheating, the other person(s), etc.–had a role to play in allowing that kind of betrayal to wreak havoc on a marriage
~~~~~
Your comment came the closest to what I am thinking so I will feed off of yours. My hubby and I had a convo last night about a man who knowingly cheats with a married woman. Hubby said “if you know the woman is married, she is off limits because she is another mans wife. Harriet, you are right there are no innocent victims, just selfish people. Now if I have a problem with my hubby I let hubby know. I don’t get advice from a woman unless it’s my mother-in-law. Sorry that this happens, but I have seen too many women go to their girlfriends about their man and the girlfriend thinks that’s her cue to sleep with your man because you have told her how unhappy your are or what he does in the bedroom. There is never an excuse to cheat. One who cheats is a person who wants validaiton that what they did was ok because the other person did not do this that or the other. Let your spouse know what you want and expect. If someone is married male or female they are off limits. David Letterman finally married the woman he has been dating for 23 yrs. He said he only got married so his son can have his last name. Whatever Dave. His new wife since March was also a staff member. He was in a 23 yr. realationship but was having extrasexual realtions with staff members after he hooked up with his wife. Dave’s female staff members knew he was with this woman. Marriage needs to be respected and not just with the two ppl married.
http://www.babybumping.blogspot.com Aja

LaPregheria I agree with you. If you are so unhappy with your relationship that you are comitted to sabatoging it by cheating on your spouse, then why stay in the marriage? For me that is where the completely selfish part comes in. To me, you are just trying to enjoy whatever benefits the marriage offers you while also enjoying the benefit of whatever you are getting outside.
No one that is married has been at their best 100 percent of the time. There are times that we make each other mad, that I don’t do what I need to do for him and vice versa. Every marriage will have some problems, but because we aren’t always perfect, should we be living with the constant threat that our spouse will stray? I don’t know exactly what happened in the Edwards’ household but I do know that Elizabeth Edwards was and is still battling cancer at the time of her husband’s affair. I’m sure that probably took away from what she was able to devote to him. But shouldn’t our spouses be more loyal than to use any excuse to cheat?
http://www.thenewblackrevolution.com Tony

I’m not condoning cheating. I agree that you should leave the marriage first if things aren’t going well and your spouse isn’t willing to change, rather than cheat. But I also believe that in many cases the spouse who is being mistreated doesn’t just go out and cheat right off the bat. They don’t say to themselves, I fix her…I’ll cheat.

It can begin with heart to heart talks with someone they can talk to, someone who, at last, seems to understand them and what they’re going through. And then gradually the closeness and the reliance on the “other” increases until one day “it just happens”.
Question: when did the cheating begin? Is cheating only sexual? If you find yourself falling in love with “the other” is that cheating too?
shay

I do agree with some of the women here. I have been cheated on by my spouse, he shows no remorse of his action and tries to put the blame on me for his infidelity. Question how is my fault if you are giving this man everything he wants sexually, mentally, physically.
MrsT

Tony, an emotional affair is just as bad as (and sometime worse) than a physical one. And Shay, I’m sorry about your cheating husband, sounds like he is that rare a$$hole just for being an a$$hole’s sake.
Anna

shay said:
I do agree with some of the women here. I have been cheated on by my spouse, he shows no remorse of his action and tries to put the blame on me for his infidelity. Question how is my fault if you are giving this man everything he wants sexually, mentally, physically.
~~~~~~~~~
Cheating is not about what the other person did or didn’t do. Its up to a person to not want to follow through with temptation. If the one who cheats blames the spouse it’s because he is guilty and is still doing it or because he/she knows you are not going to leave and have accepted their cheating ways because you took them back. Infidelity does not have to be the end of a marriage, but it does take time and commitment to get back on track with the marriage/relationship. You have to both want it though. For some who cheat it is just in their DNA for others it’s simply because they can. Cheating really is not about the sex, it’s about the attention. If we learn to communicate with our spouse and learn to say what we want and need and quit thinking they can read our mind, many marriges would not have the “divorce” word ever mentioned in their home or simply end up with a spouse who will never cheat. I have never believed that all men cheat nor do all women. Some might cheat just to see if they can get away with it or to see if they still have “it”, whatever “it” is. LOL.
Jessica

Two things:

1. While it takes two people to maintain a happy marriage, you cannot blame the cheated-on spouse for their partner’s infidelity. It is not practical to expect the excitement of dating to compare to the day-to-day life of a married couple. Not to say that married couples do not need to maintain passion and excitement… but dating a single woman, with whom you share no responsibilities, who makes absolutely no demands on you cannot compare to a wife who you have to build a life with. It is the classic, “maybe the grass is greener… ” debate. It always appears that life with the other woman may be easier less complicated… but that is only until she becomes your second wife. So it is BS to blame the spouse when they get cheated on. When you take vows, you must accept that you are giving up certain experiences for a life with your partner.

2. The “other” woman absolutely shares the blame in this situation. I do not like to judge people, but this really gets under my skin. To say that because you didn’t take the vows you don’t have responsibility is a cop-out. That is just like the drug dealer saying, “well I only sold the drugs, I didn’t force them to use them.” My grandmother, aunt, and some of my friends have dated married men on more than one occasion and I think it is digusting. If you knew the pain you were bringing into that person’s household, you’re conscience wouldn’t be so clean. It is not just affecting the wife or husband, but the children and extended family too. And it is disrespectful to yourself to get involved with a married person because you deserve to date a person who is fully “available”, with whom you could have a future with. Why waste time on a person who has proven to be untrustworthy and deceitful? Don’t you deserve more than that?!?!

Simmonz

Jessica I really like your maturity and wisdom on this subject. Infidelity opens up a wide disparity of thoughts, feelings, emotions and knowledge but absolutely must have some groundings in spiritual values. Without that we are all just pontificating our own cognitive dissonance. In other words we are just “tripping out” on our own rationalizations.
When we marry in a church and/or religious ceremony we forget there are vows based in front of the people involved with that event that we need to refer back to for answers and guidance. Otherwise why get married in church except for the putting on an event? Don’t say those vows if you cannot live up to them and when there is a breakdown go to the nearest source ( ministers and/or counselors) for the right help one needs. Many of us cannot be running around here guessing who is to blame and where to find fault. As selfish entities we aren’t supposed to rely upon our own weak impulses for answers but should higher sources for what has become to commonplace these days.

Harriet

They had a great Dateline episode that covered infidelity in marriage and why men do it. There was also a woman they interviewed who had spent just about all her life sleeping with married men. Her perspective was despicable…but realistic.

Anyway, you can read the transcript or watch the show online at http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30645239/ns/dateline_nbc-health_stories/
Anna

Thanks for the link Harriet. If anyone knows me from this site, I have always been honest , real and raw. I was the wife who cheated. I am far from proud of what I did. My hubby did not know I cheated until I told him. I felt like a woman with the “A”/gulity word written on my forehead. And I needed to tell him. Why did I tell him when I know that he would have never found out? I could not live with the guilt and at the time our marriage (to me) was over before it started. (I know I was selfish and had nothing to lose). I wanted attention from an ex. I got that attention which led to sex. To me cheating was never about the sex but a familiar man. I did not have a goal to have sex with a ex, but I got married fast. I know I hurt my husband and I do not want to ever see the hurt and pain that I caused him by my stupidy/selfishnesss. My husband told his mother what I did. She told him: Go back home and work it out”. My husband did just that. He came back home and we worked it out. Hubby was not gone for days but the same day. We did work it out. If my hubby ever cheated on me do I have the right to bitc* and complain? I just know that I never want to put that hurt on him again. My hubby and I have been married for over 12 yrs. now. What I did happened in our first 6 months of marriage. My husband is one of the good men. When we debate he does not bring up what I did and never hits below the belt. I am so blessed and I am ashamed of what I did. I let out my feelings and shameness but I hope anyone reading my comment will think differently. I beat myself up for what I did. I hope anyone reading my comment gets something out of my comment. : The grass is not always greener on the other side and a ex is a ex for a reason.
Used and Abused

Hi, all. I’m new to this site and I’ve read some of the comments posted and to Anna. I am married and have children. I’ve been married for more than five years and I can say that with repentance in my heart and shame engraved in it as well, that I cheated on my wife once a year and a half later, even though I did and am not at all proud of my actions, it was in a state of un-belief and total neglect that I did so stray away. I had been lied to, treated like nothing I had to say or anything that I did for our family was truly appreciated, even in spite of always trying to do what was right, I was always with my kids. I had my brief fling thrown in my face often,and was destroyed when she cheated on me more than once and yet I still try to stand for me and my kids, because they are what keeps me smileing. In a relationship you must be able to communicate, be truthful, and you should never overlook the needs or wants of your significant other or they will feel neglected or in my case, be treated as they weren’t important enough and thrown away.
Used and Abused

Sorry, this also goes with my previous comment, I cheated a year and a half after I was married and my first kid was born.
Simmonz

Tony I think you are going to get a lot of disagreement on this one. There is a big difference between bearing some responsibility for not meeting your loved one needs and bearing the fault of being a “victim” of your other’s cheating. A big gap in the middle Tony! Within the bible one does not have license even to go out and cheat after being cheated upon. I think the issue was more along the lines of who’s to blame between the cheater and the one they are cheating with. In some states there has been legal precedents established to find liability with the party participating along with the cheating spouse as “party to lost of affections for the injured spouse”. Let’s stay on track here and focus on people taking responsibility for their own guilt.
Simmonz

Anna, I also really admire you for your courage and your determination to make your marriage work in spite of the initial transgression. I myself have been in your husband’s position as a “victim” and I detects he really loves you in more ways you know. Please stop beating up on yourself and concentrate on the future for your family because you have weathered a great storm behind you now and you have such an excellent partner to share a glorious future with. My ex didn’t have your courage and ironically I am glad she came out and displayed her selfishness and shallowness even after 20 yrs.of I thought was a good marriage. GOD showed me who she was and I am the better man in spite of it and I have real happiness without her. I could still be in tht marriage now assuming all is OK! You are one of the lucky ones.
Brittney

If your spouse is not fulfilling your needs and you would rather seek else where to get your fix tan I feel out of respect for your spouse and your lover leave your spouse. It’s not right for them to suffer and go through all that hurt because you decided to step out on them. If you want to cheat but you care to much about your spouse go seek marriage counseling maybe that will improve your marriage and cure your nasty little cheating habits.